Merry Merry Christmas!

My transcripts finally came, my residency applications are done, and I have put them into the mail!

Now...I wait...

But it's okay, because it is Christmas. And I am excited. Its weird, because I already got all of my presents (money from the Grandpa's and my mom got my hair done), but I almost prefer not to get them because it helps me focus more on the real meaning of Christmas-CHRIST.

I am so blessed to have a testimony of Christ. To understand his atonement and to understand what love and service and sacrifice are all about. I'm loving home and embracing all the challenges. Heavenly Father put me in this family for a reason and although most of the time I feel so very different from them, I love them with all my heart and I am grateful that they are mine.

So for this Christmas, I'll snuggle up close to the ones I love and remember all that CHRISTmas is really about.

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!

Lists of Wins and Fails

Win: Managed to make it to California without any flight delays

Fail: Not much sleep in California due to the stress of applications

Double or even Triple FAIL: Ordered transcripts, spent $200 dollars cause I ordered them the wrong way

Win: School refunded me $160 even though I made a mistake

Fail (again): Sent transcripts to wrong address, had to reorder transcripts (cost another $40)

Win: Letter of Intent (grandpa says it makes me sound like a winner)

Fail: I don't like it

Win: I have 8 schools to apply to, but I really only want to go to one of three

Double or Triple Win: I've been running for 3 weeks straight now! And I've shaved my mile down to 11:20 (hey, that's good for some people!)

thats all of my random win/fail thoughts today. Keep posted. I promise once applications are done, I will be posting about my new theme for next year! :o)

I went to the San Diego temple today to find peace and clarity. I wasn't even inside before I began to feel the stress melt away and felt consumed with peace. I love to see the temple; I love going inside even more. I'm very grateful for temples and for the opportunity to be a little closer to heaven and my Heavenly Father.

Currently posting from Anaheim California, where dreams come true...hopefully.

I start interviews Monday for residency. These are just preliminary, but man I'm stressed and scared.

Thanks to a dear friend, I'm holding on to my 'believe' theme.

Believe, Amber. Just Believe.

BELIEVE

I was cleaning up stuff from the living room and packing for my trip on Thursday and I found this book that my Grandma bought for me a while ago. Inside the cover she wrote, " To My Beloved Amber, BELIEVE." I found this today at this perfect moment. It was one of those beautiful tender mercies-where you instantly know that Heavenly Father is there, watching out for you, listening to your prayers, and knowing your heart with such perfect exactness.

So my theme, from now to the end of this year, is to just believe. To Believe in the Beauty of Christmas, the love, the miracles, the truth. To Believe in Myself, my capabilities, my joy, my faith, and my talents. To Believe in the future, in its possibilities, in its promise, in the unknown, and in growth. To Believe in blessings, in prayer, in the atonement, in my Savior and my God. To Believe in possibility, that people can change, that people can love, and that when they fall short-I can love them that much more.

In short:

BELIEVE

Gratitude

Today's lessons were about Gratitude at church and since we are fast approaching Thanksgiving, I wanted to make a small gratitude list for today:

-The Gospel (including the scriptures, living prophets and apostles, etc.)

-Prayer (it is my direct line to my Father in Heaven and often my saving grace)

-My Family (it was said in conference once that families bring our greatest joys and our greatest sorrows-I'm grateful for both.)

-My Friends (the family I created to keep me sane from the one that makes me insane) There are very specific people (you should know who you are) that make me a better person and love me despite the facts they know

-The Willis' (they fit the friend category, but they need their own mention because their Christlike love is unmatched in anyone I have ever known)

-Trials (despite how painful the refiner's fire may be, I know that someday-no matter how far away-I will be a beautiful, finished product)

So I'm not sure if I mentioned that I am living in a horror movie...No scratch that! I know I've told everyone and anyone who will listen because I'm terrified almost every night to go to sleep. (I wish I were exaggerating)

This weekend was amazing! Not only did I not have to sleep in this scary place for two nights, I also got to see Benjamin get sealed to my Uncle Mike and my Aunt Jeni. It was so beautiful and I am so glad that I got to go. I also got to see so many other family members who I haven't seen forever.

But, sadly, on Sunday I had to come back to the psych ward. That night-not so bad! It was so late by the time I got back that I really just laid down and passed out. But last night and tonight not so much. Last night I was sitting at my computer talking to Jessica and thinking about everything and nothing, when out of the corner of my eye I saw this GINORMOUS bug on my dresser. Right at eye level. Of course my heart was immediately in my throat and had it not been I would have probably screamed. I had mild panic attacks for several minutes and then decided the only way to get rid of it was to capture it in this water bottle I had and throw it in a garbage down the hall. (Which is exactly what I did)

Today it has been raining all day and because the buildings are so old, it has been freezing cold. So in a kind gesture they turned on the heat...This was not a kind gesture for me, however. Why you might ask? Why wouldn't I want to snuggle into my bed when its nice and cozy and fall asleep warm?! Because my bed is by the bathroom door and inside the bathroom is this awful smell radiating from the heater. Seriously, I think that there is some dead animal in there rotting away and now the warm air has heated the animal up and then blown the smell into my bathroom.

I keep telling myself I can do this...but I'm not so sure I want to anymore! Thank heavens that this weekend is the harvest ball and I get to sleep in MY OWN bed for two nights again (who knows, maybe I'll choose to do 3 and drive back ridiculously early Monday morning)!

On a completely different note: I ranked my schools today. Midyear is less then a month away so the ranking may change, but this is how I feel for now!

1st: University of Texas

2nd: University of Southern California

3rd: University of California at Davis

4th: Banner Baywood Hospital in Arizona

5th: VA at San Diego

6th: University of Virginia

7th: University of Washington

I get to hug this little cutie in less then 12 hours. Its amazing how in a world of chaos, a hug from a child can change your perspective.

you see when you go through a traumatic experience, it kind of alters your perception.

I'm living in a horror movie set. No seriously. I wish I were kidding. But my current rotation is situated in a VA hospital that is set away from the town. The halls are long and narrow and the lights flicker. Plus, there is this whining noise that continues late into the night.

I wish I had never seen The Frighteners. It's made my overactive imagination run wild.

Integrity

Through my own actions, my integrity wavered. I will not go into the details, for they are personal. But I found this talk from Elder Russell M. Nelson and I had to share my thoughts/comments.

Russell M. Nelson begins his talk with an analogy of the mitral valve in the human heart (of course I'd find a talk about the heart...I love the heart...) The mitral valve has cords and as one becomes broken or torn, the others slowly weaken. Much like our spirits. We are tethered to the gospel, but as we break principles as we make mistakes we slowly weaken those tethers and slowly start to pull away from our Father in Heaven.

"We cannot commit a little sin without being subject to the consequences. If we tolerate a little sin today, we tolerate a little more tomorrow, and before long, a cord of integrity is broken."

But none of us is immune to temptation, and the adversary knows it. He would deceive, connive, or contrive any means to deprive us of potential joy and exaltation. He knows that if one little cord of control can be snapped, others likely will weaken later under increased strain. The result would be no integrity, no eternal life. Satan’s triumph would be assured. If this domino-like deterioration causes a run in our spiritual stocking, qualities of character are lost and our cherished integrity is gone.

If we are wise, we assess personal cords of integrity on a daily basis. We identify any weakness, and we repair it. Indeed, we have an obligation to do so. The words of Isaiah apply equally to all:

“Strengthen ye the weak hands, and confirm the feeble knees. “Say to them that are of a fearful heart, Be strong”

Sometimes in life, we have to stop and assess right in the moment. Sometimes our actions are too quick for us to assess and then we are left to make the decision to go back and try to repair the cord. If we fail to turn back, we make the choice to weaken ourselves spiritually. I've found in this latest struggle, that prayer is the only place to find the right answer within your heart. For myself, my heart was tortured, I was so disappointed in myself and I knew the only place I had to go for the help I needed to step up was through prayer.

Private personal prayer is a good time for introspection. Morning prayer might include a petition for honesty, chastity, virtue, or for simply being of service to others. In the evening, there may be another quick checkup on all those attributes. We pray for the preservation of our spiritual integrity, then we work for it. Should any flaw be found, we will want to begin the process of prompt repair that will protect further disintegration of a threatened spiritual quality.

This next part of his talk hit home. How often do we ask ourselves these questions? And if we ask the questions, do we like the answers? For myself, although the right thing was hard to do, even though I will suffer the consequences of my mistake, I found solace in reading this talk and seeing my answers to the question.

Self-assessment is done best in many little steps, asking ourselves questions such as:

• •

  What do we do when we make a mistake? Do we admit our error and apologize, or do we deny it and blame others?

• •

  What do we do when we are in a group where wrong ideas or activities are promoted? Do we endorse error by our silence, or do we take a stand?

• •

  Are we totally true to our employers, or are we less than loyal?

• •

  Do we keep the Sabbath day, obey the Word of Wisdom, honor our father and mother?

• •

  If we have made sacred covenants in the temple, how do we react when we hear evil-speaking against the Lord’s anointed? Do we honor all covenants made there? Or do we allow exceptions and rationalize our behavior to suit our preconceived preferences?

• •

  How do we honor our word? Can our promises be trusted?

And of course, with the atonement, there is always hope and comfort. I may not rise above temporally, but in the eternal scheme of things, I made the right choice.

We should not be discouraged or depressed by our shortcomings. No one is without weakness. As part of the divine plan, we are tested to see whether we master weakness or let weakness master us. Proper diagnosis is essential to proper treatment. The Lord gave us this remarkable assurance: “Because thou hast seen thy weakness thou shalt be made strong” (Ether 12:37). But wishing for strength won’t make us strong. It takes faith and work to shore up a weakened cord of integrity.

We know the process of self-repair called repentance. Mercifully, we do not have to begin that process alone. We can receive help through counsel with trusted family members and Church leaders. But their aid is more likely to help if we seek it not merely to satisfy a formality but with real intent to reform and come closer to Christ. He is the ultimate physician.

Real faith in Him will provide real relief—and glorious rewards. He said, “Because thou hast seen thy weakness thou shalt be made strong, even unto the sitting down in the place which I have prepared in the mansions of my Father” (Ether 12:37; see also Ether 12:27, 2 Cor. 12:9).

Mistakes may mar our worthiest intentions, and serious sin can stain with scarlet the slate of pristine white that was once ours. As none of us may escape sin, none of us may escape suffering. Repentance may not be easy, but it is worth it. Repentance not only bleaches, it heals!

I've slowly been preparing for residency applications, trying to pick a school/program that will best fit me and my goals in my career. At the beginning, I had every intention of heading FAR west-to California or Washington State. But then a professor told me about a program in Texas, an opportunity to study under one of the Nation's top professors. My interest was only slightly peaked, but I was sure that California was where I wanted to go.

But after further research into the program and after many prayers and visits to the temple, I started to feel pulled to Texas. So I emailed the director of the program, just to get a feeling for the school and the people who will become my instructors. Slowly, but surely, Texas became my number one choice.

I can't explain how this happens, but it is similar to how I gained my testimony. These experiences are never earth shattering, there are no voices or visions; instead, it is the quiet calm that occurs within my heart. It is this peace and assurance that this is where I am supposed to go. I followed this prompting when moving to Virginia and I know without a doubt that this was where I was supposed to grow and strengthen my foundation.

If you were to ask, "Are you nervous? Do you have doubts?" I would respond with a resounding 'YES!' I am terrified about packing up and moving to a new state. I am terrified about making all new friends and starting over in a new city. I have doubts that I will get accepted. But I do not have doubts in my Father in Heaven. I do not feel he will lead me astray. I know that I must do all I can do to prepare and then I have to let the pieces fall as they may.

Anyways, the reason I felt inspired to write this post today was because of what my reading found this morning. I was sitting at the kitchen table, reading in the Special Temple Edition of the Ensign, and as I turned the page, the most beautiful picture of a celestial room caught my eye. I stopped and marveled at how stunning the room looked. And then I read the caption. The celestial room pictured was from the temple in San Antonio, Texas.

Tears flooded my eyes and I sat in awe of the beauty of small, subtle promptings in my life. Do I know for sure that I will end up in Texas? No. Of course I don't. Only the Lord can truly know that answer. But I do find greater peace in my decision to apply to this residency. And more importantly, my love for my Father in Heaven was increased-because he knows who I am and everything about me. Its such a wonderful knowledge-to have a testimony of this gospel and to have faith in the Savior.

Epic...

Most people won't find this epic...but I do....


NEXT FRIDAY I WILL BE 5/9 OF THE WAY DONE WITH PHARMACY SCHOOL ROTATIONS!!!!!!!


That means only 4 more rotations between me and graduation. Pretty Epic if you ask me.

Seems I was walking in the wrong direction I barely recognized my own reflection

I feel like Me again. I feel comfortable in my skin. And I am proud of who I am and the accomplishments I have.

It may seem like this is coming out of left field, but I assure you it is not. I had an amazing night out with a friend. We literally sat there and just talked for hours. I can't tell you how much I actually needed that. (No offense to my roommate/best friend who listens to me all the time-she is one of the best listeners ever) I just needed to sit down with someone else and just converse like an adult.

I've felt like screaming for quite some time now, because I knew that I just needed to talk-to someone, to anyone. And tonight, FINALLY, I did. We talked about the past year; the steps and the trials, the mistakes and the triumphs, the sadness and the joy. It was therapeutic, it was cleansing, it was exactly what I needed. For almost 4 hours we sat and just talked about nothing, about everything, and all the silly things in between.

A lot has transpired since I took out my endowments. I had some steps backwards, but I really don't think I should call them that-because they sprung me forward and helped me grow. I'm content with myself, I recognize myself, and as far as I can tell I'm walking in the right direction.

After almost 3 years of pokes and prods from the Spirit, I have finally listened.

Tonight, I printed the necessary paper to take to the temple so I can finally do my Beautiful Grandma's work.

I miss her so much it hurts. I can't explain to anyone the kind of woman she was, because in order to understand her-you just had to know her. There was a light that beamed from her. I swear when the doctors opened her chest, they were blinded by the light that shined from her heart. So sometime next month, I will stand in as proxy to be baptized and confirmed and then to receive her initiatory and endowment. I can't breathe when I think about it, I clam up and am overwhelmed with emotions. But I know this is what she wants and I know she has been patiently waiting for me to do her work.

So tonight is for my beautiful Grandma June-the world lost one of its brightest and heaven gained one of the best when you left this world.

Love me when I least deserve it, because that is when I really need it.

President Monson spoke of gratitude this past conference. I love listening to a Prophet's voice. So tonight, when I should be sleeping, I have decided to speak of the gratitude I have for my best/closest friends.

For My Grandmother: who is always a shining star in my life, who has taught me the true meaning of unconditional love, who has never failed me and who never will. If I could be more like anyone in this world, I would take all her best qualities, keep my sas, and be a remarkably witty and beautiful woman (inside and out)
“The greatest treasures are those invisible to the eye but found by the heart.”

For my high school best friend (and my soul mate-even though you are now married): who has always had faith in me, who taught me about the Gospel and what it truly means to live it, who's life matches my own-through trials, through joy, and through time. Who was the first person to call me out and stick around, who loves my family like her own (even if they drive her crazy). I know we were hand crafted as friends, because 'I am you, and you are me'
“Friends are God's way of apologizing to us for our families.”


For my adult best friend: Nobody fights better then us, but it works because I am constantly challenged to be a better person, no one has had more of an impact then you on my spiritual growth, no one has pushed me as hard, but helped me up along the way. There is something very special about finding a friend through the spirit-sometimes it seems as though my spirit knows you best. Your strength and testimony are beautiful. And yes, you are amazing. What I love most is that you teach me I'm amazing too.
“Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, 'What! You too? I thought I was the only one”


For my closest friends (and you better know who you are because saturday morning yoga and brunch would never be the same without you): Thank you for love, laughter, and life. I couldn't imagine closer sisters then you.
“I have met a lot of hardboiled eggs in my time, but you're twenty minutes.”

What Can I Say?

Today was a day. I have lots of thoughts, from Sunday through today, but as I try to convey them out of my brain and into my blog-I have a block. Guess that means it will have to wait.

The truth is I can't put the words down, until I sort it out. And I don't see that happening anytime soon. All I know is that I tried and now I'm stuck. Probably should be better at conquering my pride and just convey thoughts.

In other news: I'm trying to be better about updating, my new goal is to post at least once a week...we will see how long that lasts.

I went out with the missionaries last night to help them teach a member who has been inactive for 11 years. The lesson they gave was about Prayer. (Not a coincidence if you refer to the previous post in which I posted my favorite quote from Abraham Lincoln) The lesson was about the right way to pray and they compared the prayer of the Zoramites to that of Alma. Of course some of my favorite scriptures are in this section. I love how Alma describes how he is feeling to the lord (See Alma 31:31) and I love how he asks the Lord for comfort, for strength, and for patience. I love how he prays for those around him, specifically by name. I love how he shows sincere gratitude and humility for his Savior and his Father in Heaven.

Prayer for me is something very profound and critical. I have a quote from Brigham Young that states, "Getting down on my knees will one day save my life, whether it be in marriage, in work, or in my spirit." I find this quote to be very profound. And I know for a fact that prayers have saved my life more then once. (and not necessarily my own prayers, but the prayers of others too) I don't mean to sound dramatic and I hope my thoughts are conveyed with the reverence they deserve. I love prayer, almost more then anything else in this gospel. Because prayer is my direct line to my Father in Heaven. In my prayers, I can convey exactly how I feel without worrying how it sounds or how it may be conveyed because when I pray, I pray with my heart. And I know that our Heavenly Father hears our heart very clearly, to me it is the one sound he probably cannot block out, nor would he. But what is even more beautiful to me is the fact that when I pray, my Father in Heaven has promised that he will answer in some way or another. The answers I get may not be ones I want to hear, but I know they are the answers that I need in my life.

I have said a lot more prayers in the past three weeks then I have said over the last year. It amazes me how often I have been 'brought to my knees with the overwhelming conviction that I had no where else to go.' But what amazes me even more is the firm, yet sweet answers I have received from Him, through others. (To those of you who act on promptings or serve without knowing the full reason why, I thank you-because in more ways then one you become someone's answer to a prayer.)

I am far from perfect. FAR from perfect. OH SO VERY FAR. But I am learning each day how to draw closer to my Father in Heaven. And I am learning how to let his will be my will. And though it is a very painful and difficult process at times, I am slowly being healed through the refiner's fire. And to those people who stand in as my relief through the most difficult times, thank you for being an instrument in God's hands. My gratitude could never be shown adequately, nor could my love ever be conveyed properly.

"Many times in my life, I have been driven to my knees with the overwhelming conviction that I had no where else to turn."


This is how I have felt as of recently. And for the most part its a wonderful feeling, because who better to talk to then your Father in Heaven. However, I think part of it is a way to pull away from all the things that are recently hurting me or that I'm just not sure how to handle.

Heather called tonight. Have to love those tender mercies, even though I told her nothing and just listened to her ramble, it was nice to have the comfort of knowing that she will always be my best friend-marriage didn't change anything, other then less frequent calls (and by less frequent I mean 2-3x a week versus 7 days!)

And yes, I could have told her all the things that are building up inside-but I want to work them out with the Lord. Because in the end, he knows my future destination. And through Him, I will find peace.

Learn of me, and listen to my words; walk in the meekness of my Spirit, and you shall have peace in me.

What Am I to Change?

Yesterday, Jessica and I sat in the car having a heart to heart about where we stand right now in our lives. Let me first start by saying that I am so grateful for a friend like her. Jessica is a rare person and an amazing friend. Although she yelled at me a few times yesterday, her frustration was out of a deep love for me. Its a tender mercy from the Lord to have a friend who can see all your faults, see that you are on a path to destruction, and still love you enough to fight for your safety-loves you enough to threaten harm on others, just to keep you safe. I can't begin to tell you how important that type of friend is right now (and always)

I spent the drive back to Harrisonburg in deep contemplation of the things we had discussed in that car. I spoke with my Father in Heaven and asked him to help me to tear down this broken foundation and start fresh. I really admire Jessica (and the strength she had to act upon the promptings she had, despite how hard it was for her). I am drawing complete strength from her actions and the spirit today as I prepare myself to do the same thing tonight.

The spirit has been speaking loudly and very clearly for a while now-and true to the natural man, I have ignored it and acted like I've been left in the dark. But that is anything but true; the truth is, I knew what the right thing was and I openly rebelled against it because I wanted more instantaneous happiness, instead of the appropriate joy that comes from a righteous life. But it is not something I can ignore anymore-because my ultimate happiness is on the line. It may seem dramatic to those of you who read this because I am being very vague; but I can assure you, a life spent searching after the acceptance and approval of man is not a life of happiness. The silken thread that entices us to sin, when given the chance, will become the anchor that drags us down to hell.

I am choosing not to be bound anymore. I am choosing to forsake my current choices and desires, to protect me. In Elder James B. Martino's conference talk, he states "A small amount of pain now will protect them from possible pain and suffering in the future. Our Father in Heaven knows the end from the beginning. We need to follow the example of the Savior and trust in Him." Later in the talk, he gives us advice to get through trials-he asks us to consider "What Am I to Change" when a trial arises.

After hours of heartfelt prayer, after weeks and months of anguish, I now know what I need to change. And although it will be difficult, I know that it is the only way that I will ever truly move forward and progress to a stronger testimony. In a sense, it is the only way that I will ever be able to learn, "Peace Be Still". In a talk by Sister Nelson, she relates a story of how sometimes in life we have to cut away more, even after we have started to piece things back together. So it is with many of us when we look at our current states. Despite that I have made every effort to move forward, I can't move forward without going back and cutting out some very large parts. I don't know much, but I know enough to know that I want peace and joy in my life-and I know where to start to find them.

Like Jessica said, "Life is hard, no matter where you stand. There are going to be the ups and downs, the big disappointments and the little pricks of pain versus the big joys and the tiny happy moments scattered throughout. But I know that everything we experience is ultimately for our good."

Amazing Grace

I've had this song in my head the last few days, well the first line anyways. And I just keep thinking about the last few months and the personal struggles that I have had in my life. The last few months have been an all out war within myself. I forgot what it felt like to hear the Spirit. I forgot what it felt like to burn with faith. Maybe I didn't forget, but I blocked them out. And for a few moments, I even wondered if I had lost my hope.

But just when I thought the moment had come where I would surrender to it all, I was overwhelmed with the strength of my testimony. And the tender mercies of the Lord overcame my wearied heart and lifted me back on my feet.

I don't pretend to understand how the Spirit talks to others. But I know how the Spirit talks to me. And over the last few days, the messages have been subtle, but so true that I cannot let them escape my brain. My hope is renewed and my faith the same as it always was-I know the truth and that is all I need.

Life is hard for me. I'm sure its hard for all of us. Because it is supposed to be hard. Its about learning, its about growth. And honestly-as hard as it can be-I hope I never stop growing.

**A message for any of my friends or family who might be lost or who may have forgotten: Hold on. Just keep holding on. Because I promise you, whatever the reasons, it will be worth it.

All I Can Do Is Keep Breathing

Today, my best friend of 4 years died. Its the worst possible feeling ever. The vet says that she had a weak heart and when they gave her the anesthesia she had an idiosyncratic reaction. I spent three hours holding her and saying goodbye. But it wasn't enough. The house is so empty; there's no pitter-pattering across the carpet. I lost my friend. And its awful.

"Children in pure faith proclaim, “We believe in God, the Eternal Father, and in His Son, Jesus Christ, and in the Holy Ghost.” But sometimes youth and adults do not feel the power of this simple declaration.

Satan is the “enemy to all righteousness”, thus he plants doubts about the nature of the Godhead and our relationship with Them. Jesus Christ prophesied that in the last days even the very elect would be deceived.
Consider three examples of how Lucifer is “laying traps and snares to catch the holy ones of God."

The snare of false inadequacy. A faithful young person feels unable to meet the expectations of others. At home and school, she is rarely praised and often criticized. The popular media tells her she is not beautiful enough or smart enough. Every day this righteous sister questions whether she is an individual worthy of Heavenly Father’s love, the Savior’s atoning sacrifice, or the Spirit’s constant guidance.

The snare of exaggerated imperfection. An outstanding missionary feels incapable of meeting the expectations of God. In his mind, this worthy elder imagines a stern Heavenly Father bound to irrevocable justice, a Savior capable of cleansing others’ transgressions but not this elder’s own, and a Holy Ghost unwilling to accompany an imperfect person.

The snare of needless guilt. A middle-aged woman is a devoted mother, a loving friend, a faithful Church servant, and a frequent temple patron. But in her heart, this sister cannot forgive herself of sins committed years ago that she has repented of and fully resolved with priesthood leaders. She doubts that her life will ever be acceptable to the Lord and has lost hope of eternal life in Heavenly Father’s presence.

If you have any thoughts and feelings similar to these good Saints, I invite you to become as a little child and feel again “the great and wonderful love made manifest by the Father and the Son in the coming of the Redeemer into the world.

First, see yourself as a precious child of a loving Father in Heaven.

Second, place your burdens on Jesus Christ

Third, forgive yourself of sins and imperfections

Fourth, sustain hope of eternal life

Fifth, find joy each day"

-Taken from a talk by Elder Anthony D. Perkins of the Seventy

I just really loved this talk and thought I would share.

I Am A Fourth Year Pharmacy Student.

That's all.

Just A Small Countdown...Or Up?

2 more days of classes (a total of 3 classes left in my pharmacy education at MCV)

4 finals remain (with 5 projects left to complete)

6 days until Jessica comes home (Yes..I really am counting these days)

8 days until my 'summer break' starts (yes it's only a week long, but hey that is something)

10 days until my 5k Mud Run (break out the old running shoes)

12 days...(well there isnt really anything significant for days 12 or 14)

16 days until I start my 1st rotation (and the beginning of my final year as a pharmacy student!!!)

CAN you tell I am excited?!

How your Friday might start if you were a pharmacy student....

Alarm clock blares at 5:45 am and you roll over screaming at yourself internally for not going to bed at an earlier hour. You stumble out of bed and somehow manage to make it to the bathroom. The next thing you know you are wide awake because you are blasted with freezing cold water, you never turned on the hot water. Once dressed (which in itself was an epic battle), you make your way to the kitchen to throw some awful concoction into the blender for breakfast because you would never have time for a real breakfast. With your plastic cup of nastiness, you grab your bags and run out the door so that you can make it to class in time.

The drive to school is a blur, it only took you 15 minutes and you wonder to yourself out loud if you actually ran a few stoplights as you walk to class. In class you make the professional niceties to your Teacher and the TA's, then you sit in your seat trying to make nice with all the other people at your table while also trying to re-cram all the information you studied the night before back into your brain so that you can answer a few questions right.

Your table competes in some loud activity, you aren't quite sure what just happened. Then you and your partner try to finish an exercise that has no bearing on your future. Time stops when the professor announces that it is your turn to practice injecting yourself with insulin (of course the bottle is saline), but you know your irrational fear of needles and the thought of sticking yourself is to much to bear in your sleep deprived state. (What is even more unbearable is the thought of lifting up your shirt for the TA, so that they can watch you) You stumble back to the little room and fumble through the counseling and preparation points for a patient; then you unwrap the needle and take a deep breath as you prepare to stick yourself. "If I just jab it really quick it will be over," you think to yourself and then attempt to accomplish this task.....

Pain surges through you, but the pain is confusing because its not your abdomen that hurts; instead it is your thumb. Your face turns a thousand shades of red and you think to yourself this can't get any worse. And then you stop, because you realize you still have to show that you can stick yourself in the abdomen. You unwrap a new syringe and complete the task with your head hung low. The TA tries to assure you that you did a great job, but you yourself know that you are the retard who stuck their thumb...

***This story may not be interpreted as fact. If any of you readers try to pass it off as facts, I will deny it till the day I die (maybe...)

In stories, as in life, adversity teaches us things we cannot learn otherwise. Adversity helps to develop a depth of character that comes in no other way. Our loving Heavenly Father has set us in a world filled with challenges and trials so that we, through opposition, can learn wisdom, become stronger, and experience joy.

President Uchtdorf

In Every Cloud, There's A Silver Lining

I'm ready to start rotations. I'm ready to get away. I think Jesse was right, I'm either going to knock my rotations out of the park or I'm going to fall flat on my face. But with the motivation I feel within me to do well so I can move on, I'm bankin on the first. All I know is that I need to change this up; my mind and spirit are starting to itch-its time for a change. It is time to start somewhere new.

But down the road the sun is shining
In every cloud there's a silver lining
Just keep holding on (just keep holding on)
And every heartache makes you stronger
But it won't be much longer
You'll find love, you'll find peace
And the you you're meant to be
I know right now that's not the way you feel
But one day you will

You wake up every morning and ask yourself
What am I doing here anyway
With the weight of all those disappointments
Whispering in your ear
You're just barely hanging by a thread
You wanna scream but you're down to your last breath
And you don't know it yet

"...and I ask you right here please to agree with me that a scar is never ugly. That is what the scar makers want us to think. But you and I, we must make an agreement to defy them. We must see all scars as beauty. Okay? This will be our secret. Because take it from me, a scar does not form on the dying. A scar means, I survived.

In a few breaths' I will speak some sad words to you. But you must hear them the same way we have agreed to see scars now. Sad words are just another beauty. A sad story means, this story teller is alive. The next thing you know, something fine will happen to her, something marvelous, and then she will turn around and smile."

Introducing Benjamin Michael

This is my new cousin...I'm so in love.

Well I Never Seem to do it like Anybody Else

Have you ever had one of those moments in life where you are driving down the road and you think to yourself, "How is it that this song fits me so perfectly?" I'm a big fan of music. I always have been; especially since I do not see myself to be very eloquent with words. I've always believed that music could tell my story for me and today, "The Long Way Around" fit perfectly.

I wanted to bear my testimony yesterday, because I received a beautiful witness of Heavenly Father's love for me personally on Saturday. I never got out of my seat, but my heart was screaming my testimony right out of my chest. I've been struggling for quite some time now and the struggles only keep getting harder. The Brow informed me that this struggle, this mountain is probably one that will take a while to climb (a year or longer if you want the exact words). And I know that this is one of the most honest statements that she has ever given me.

I've let the adversary into my thoughts and I've let him weigh me down with fear and with insecurities and with so much more. And on Saturday, I considered not going to the temple because I wasn't sure that I could enter those sacred walls with my heart so heavy. However, the Brow convinced me otherwise and I am so glad she did, because it was one of the most significant moments in my life.

I've learned about the Lord's love for me individually over my life, I've never struggled with the fact that He has always been there supporting me. My struggle has always been with myself. With the fact that I am imperfect, that I am stubborn, that I insist upon "taking the long way around." I struggle with the fact that I think I am smarter or stronger then I really am, I struggle with me. But sitting there inside those hallowed walls, for a small moment, I felt the love in part that my Heavenly Father has for me. That warmth and comfort of his love was a testament to me. It was a heavenly reminder that Heavenly Father already knew that I would "take my time and take the long way around."

I'll never be perfect. And the Brow is right, this latest struggle is going to take longer then I want it to because I'm going to have to look hard at myself and cut out more then I might like-but in the end, it's the only way to bring peace and joy into my life.

"I've been long time gone now, but I've always found my way somehow, by taking the long way around. I'm getting it back on the road, but I'm taking the long way, taking the long way around. I guess I could have made it easier on myself, but I could not follow. I never seem to do it like anyone else...I can still be found taking the long way around."

I don't have much to write, but I wanted to say one very important thing:

There is something to be said about tender mercies of the Lord. I wish that the world could comprehend God's love, even just in part, because it is the only way to heal any and all types of wounds.

Some of the most painful wounds are those that are self-inflicted. But even then, even when we choose to ignore council and stick out our stubborn chins and forge forward, Heavenly Father just sits-waiting patiently-for us to turn back into his arms and say, "Forgive Me."

Reasons Why My Birthday Is Awesome

*Aims organized not 1, not 2, not 3...but 4 boys to bring me flowers in class!! (BEAUTIFUL PINK ROSES THAT SMELL HEAVENLY)

*Lauren can't stop saying "Happy Birthday" every five minutes

*Someone bought me Daffodils :)

*I got two of my birthday wishes fulfilled at midnight!

*I bought 3 new birthday dresses and a new skirt

*My friends are taking me to dinner tonight to celebrate at PF Changs

*I get to see Wicked on Thursday

*Chantal made me 86 sandwiches, then brought the girls to give me sticky kisses on my birthday

*I'm beyond blessed by these wonderful people in my life: My Grandma, Heather, Jessica, Elaina, Aaron, Mom and Dad, Aunt Stacie, PapaBear, Jeni, Aims, Lauren, Lindsay, Stephanie, Amish, Jesse, Chantal, and SO MANY MORE!!

"Nevertheless Alma labored much in the spirit, wrestling with God in mighty prayer, that he would pour out his Spirit upon the people...And it came to pass that while he was journeying thither, being weighed down with sorrow, wading through much tribulation and anguish of soul...it came to pass while Alma was thus weighed down with sorrow, behold an angel of the Lord appeared unto him..."

Alma 10: 12, 14

I leave for Mexico in the morning! I had the missionaries over tonight to share a message and the scripture above is part of what they shared. I love how inspired missionaries are; I love the spirit they bring with them.

This scripture strikes a deep cord within my soul. Especially after the past few months, where I feel as though I have been floundering. There have been a lot of changes in my life recently, most of them beautiful surprises, but some have been very painful and have left me struggling to determine if and where I went wrong.

I have found myself wrestling with my spiritual side and natural man in front of God, in mighty prayer. I have been asking if I have been doing the right thing, asking my Heavenly Father to pour his spirit out upon others around me, and that he will soften their hearts or ease their burdens. And while 'journeying' in sorrow these last few months, wading with much tribulation, I have found that through my prayers for others, Heavenly Father has poured out his Spirit upon me. He has provided tender mercies all along the way.

I am blessed to have such a close relationship with my Father in Heaven. I am so grateful that I can recognize how these scriptures (and so many others) can relate to my heart and guide me through this life. I am grateful for inspired people in my life-who provide insight at the exact moment I need it.

I'm thankful for this opportunity to go to Mexico and serve for a week. My soul needs it. I've anguished enough about the loss of friends, the loss of loved ones, the changes that were necessary. It's time to put my heart and soul into serving others. It's time to live up to my motto this year. It's time for peace, even in the busiest of moments.

My birthday is in eleven days and I am going to make 25 one of the best years of my life. This is my year for finishing up school, for moving out of Richmond, for taking new chances, for letting go of control, and above all for finding peace within myself.

**Thanks for letting me ramble!

Spring break starts in 12 hours!!!

I leave for Mexico in 36 hours!!!

I love my new house! I love my new roommates. Despite all the stress, I am happier then I've felt in a while. Its wonderful!

My stress level for the last week and into next week keeps fluctuating between 7.5-12.5

I just want midterms to be over. Even better, I want to be done with my last semester of classes in Pharmacy school. (With that though, can I please do extremely well so that I might be able to obtain a residency)

Is that too much to ask for?

The Me I'm Meant to Be

You feel like you’re falling backwards

Like you’re slippin’ through the cracks
Like no one would even notice
If you left this town and never came back
You walk outside and all you see is rain
You look inside and all you feel is pain
And you can’t see it now

But down the road the sun is shining
In every cloud there’s a silver lining
Just keep holding on (just keep holding on)
And every heartache makes you stronger
But it won’t be much longer
You’ll find love, you’ll find peace
And the you you’re meant to be
I know right now that’s not the way you feel
But one day you will

You wake up every morning and ask yourself
What am I doing here anyway
With the weight of all those disappointments
Whispering in your ear
You’re just barely hanging by a thread
You wanna scream but you’re down to your last breath
And you don’t know it yet

Find the strength to rise above
You will
Find just what you’re made of, you’re made of

I woke up this morning with the desire to be close to God. My roommate informed me that she was going for a 4 hour drive, so that she could talk with God. And I decided I needed to do something to be close to Him, to listen, to Be Still.

I love my relationship with my Father in Heaven. People may never understand it, but it doesn't matter. I know He knows me. I know he loves me. I know that he is constantly leading me where I need to go. I know that the Plan of Salvation is real and that I can apply the Atonement to return to God someday. I want to be more bold in declaring my knowledge, with sharing my joy, so for now I will declare it on my blog (its a work in progress people!).

Anyways, I spent my day conversing with God. I spent my day being still and I felt peace about a lot of things. I'm letting go of more then just the heartache of a failed love, I'm letting go of people that don't better me, I'm letting go of insecurities, and I'm letting go of control. And through all that letting go, I am gaining so much more.

Heavenly Father is real. He is tangible and he is waiting for all of us to turn to him. I wish the world could see that.

My mom, in an attempt to help, spoke with him. What she fails to realize is that this did not help, it only made matters worse. Especially when whatever she said compelled him to contact me. I recognize her efforts and I appreciate the fact that I have a mom who wants to protect me. That being said, I am an adult now and with that comes certain battles (heartache especially) that you have to fight alone.

He is engaged and I am truly happy for him. He finally found someone that he wants to be with and commit to forever. That is the best thing in the world to find. (I say this with an honest heart)

And I am so proud of my family for trying to comfort me. For making sure that I know they love me and support me in this situation (and all situations). But now I need them to butt out. So that I can let go. So I can stop being reminded from them.

I want to chop my hair off (AGAIN!). Because to me that symbolizes letting go and changing. (SOMEONE PLEASE KEEP ME AWAY FROM THE SCISSORS)

In other wonderful news, I am moving next weekend! I'm really trying to hold back on my excitement-but I am excited. Jessica is going to be an amazing roommate. (yes we will have differences, but I know we are close enough that we can work anything out).

AND THE FINAL EXCITING NEWS: Rotations start in 78 days!

Birthday Wish List

I'm not excited about my birthday this year. Not really sure I even want to celebrate it. But that doesn't mean that I don't want gifts! So here is the list! :)

*RECIPE BOOKS GALORE! I want baking ones, I want main course ones, I want ALL OF THEM!!

*6oz custard cups

*Stick blender

*Money!! (Dude...I'm going to be driving lots to get to my rotations-Gas money is absolutely amazing)

*Barnes and Nobel gift cards (cause who doesn't love to read)

*New DownEast Outfitters Basics (the t's-all colors)

*Some cute boy to bring me flowers (hey a girl can dream right)

*Visits with a Papabear or any family member (Mom, Grandma, brothers, Heather, etc.)

*Play dates with my princesses! Lots of them!

I am so grateful for my family. For the love that they have for me. For the battles they fight beside me and for the comfort they bring.

I'm grateful for tender mercies from the Lord. Reminding me that some of the most important members of my family are still there for me, rooting me on from the other side of the veil.

I'm so grateful for best friends and "it" girls-who let me cry and make a mess; who remind me to fake it till I make it.

It's time to get motivated. It's time to get moving. It's time to do.

“Don't wait until everything is just right. It will never be perfect. There will always be challenges, obstacles and less than perfect conditions. So what. Get started now. With each step you take, you will grow stronger and stronger, more and more skilled, more and more self-confident and more and more successful.”

“People often say that motivation doesn't last. Well, neither does bathing - that's why we recommend it daily.”

"Please do not be cynical. I hate cynicism, its my least favorite quality and it doesn't lead anywhere. Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get, but if you work really hard and you're kind, amazing things will happen" -Conan

This weekend finally provided some opportunity to "Be Still". For me, at least this weekend, it meant to finally peel back the layers of my heartache which is always there under the surface. I guess you could say the bandaid that I had over my bleeding heart was torn off during Christmas break. A simple mistake, a reach out, brought me face to face with the man who finally decided that he just couldn't commit to me (only to commit to someone else a month later).

He showed up at my Grandma's house and tried to act as though we were ok- as though nothing had to change. He held my hand, placed his hand on my knee while playing games, pulled me close on the couch, and hugged me as though he would never let go. All those things that make me senseless-all the things that make me fall back in love with him all over again.

But I can't be in love with him. He isn't my person and sadly, he never will be. (Someday I know that I won't say sadly anymore-someday my heart will accept that this is how it is) I watched an episode of Bones last night and it brought me to tears. (odd isn't it? that a silly show I love will finally allow me to cry some of the emotions out) Anyways, this is what was said:

Hodgins runs to Sweets to vent "You’re right, Sweets, everything is NOT fine,” Hodgins yells. “I don’t know if I want to climb into a hole and die or run over Wendell and Angela with a truck.” (In regards to his ex) Sweets: “I don’t think you’re jealous. I think you’re grieving what you lost...You know, grief heals with time."

Logically I know that...I've been dealing with the grief of my Grandma's death for almost two years now. But somehow I just haven't accepted this yet, somehow I refuse to accept this as the end of "us", how can I when he floats back in and acts the same way? It's time to cut him out-and that is okay-but it just means changing myself. There is a lot to change already, my life is about to take a sharp turn, a 180 from the place I have been for almost seven years, and I am just not ready. And if I put it honestly, I'm terrified to take this turn alone. Sure I have my friends (who are angels sent from Heaven) but its just not the same as having that person who walks beside you and holds your hand through it all.

I am okay. I am. I accept my position and I know I will survive-its what I do best. I just need to let it out in small pieces, like my motto says, I need to be still and I will know the right thing to do and Heavenly Father will be there with arms open to comfort me through all this pain.

So if you look at the title of my blog it has changed! That's because I finally picked my theme for the year. My theme last year was "Come What May and Love It" and it was perfect. I was so blessed by the commitment to accept things as they are, especially with my family and friends. I also learned a lot about the atonement through this theme.

So after a long wrestle with myself, I finally decided that "Peace Be Still" was the theme I need this year. First because the outside world is chaotic, and if I don't take the time to be still I will miss out on Heavenly Father's promptings and the time to know God.

The second is similar to last year's theme, with a new spin of course. When trials come, when things get tough, I have the tendency to have a little freak out. So hopefully, this year's theme will help me to take a moment to pause before things get rough.

Wish me luck!

AH!!! Guess who is almost back in Richmond! Man I love my family and I am so glad I got to visit for so long...but I am so ready to sleep in my own bed (for the last time until April). I have so much to pack to prepare for my move tomorrow afternoon...but before I do anything this girl is taking a nap in her bed with her baby who probably thinks she was abandoned since I have been gone for over a month!

Hello Richmond! Goodbye family and friends and the West! (tear)

I'm discombobulated. I'm so confused. I can't separate my head from my heart. Why is it so easy to let him in and so painful to relive all these feelings?

I just wish I could let him go for good. Or let go of the feelings if I can't let go of him.