Books Books Everywhere!

"Books open your mind, broaden your mind, and strengthen you as nothing else can."

-William Feather

"You know you've read a good book when you turn the last page and feel a little as if you have lost a friend."

-Paul Sweeny

4.

Pride and Prejudice

Always a favorite. I've read it enough times to declare it as such. It has definitely made me a hopeless romantic, but not in the ways that most people are affected by it.

3.

Molokai

A beautiful story of overcoming trials and facing the internal demons that may arise from said trials. I read it after graduating from college (the first time) and it helped me to be brave enough to face some of my own demons. I'm ready to read it again.

2.

A Lesson Before Dying

This was a book I was required to read for a class. I have never looked at certain things the same way since finishing it.

1.

The Book of Mormon

It really has become my favorite book. Every time I read it, I learn so much more. It is a book that has definitely shaped my life.

Last Year in Review

I don't even know where to start or how to start. My life this past year has been a whirlwind of change and growth. So I guess I'll just do a synopsis of each month and then reflect upon my theme and goals for the past year and ultimately my successes and failures (or lack of completion for a better term).

January

Completed a rotation at UVA in Peds with Marcia Buck. Waited to hear back from residency programs and started scheduling interviews.

February

Trips all over for residency interviews: Seattle, Boise, California, Virginia, and Texas. Started my second to last rotation at Buford road. Lots of rock climbing with Jordan.

March

Final rotation in Shiprock, NM. Which included tons of trips to the four-corners region. Saw the grand canyon, mesa verde, santa fe, flagstaff, and so much more! Made the drive from NM to VA by myself in 2 days (and I am not sure if I was totally crazy or amazing). Oh yeah and I celebrated turning 26...if you can celebrate that...

April

Organized everything for my boards. Started studying. And spent time with the people I loved in VA. Lots of wonderful walks with Sandy and tons of conversations with Jessica.

May

Graduated from pharmacy school. Proudest moment of my life. So very grateful for my family and friends who made the moment spectacular.

June

Took my boards and passed! Had some crazy moments with Scott Backus in Newport News. Started to say goodbye to old friends.

July

Packed up my home in VA. Spent as much time as possible with my favorite people. Saw the final Harry Potter at midnight and then drove with Stephy and PapaBear to Texas. (After of course staying up all night talking to my Best Friend Jessica. And doing everything I could to hold onto the moments we had left.)

August

Suffered from heat exhaustion every day in Texas. Met my co-residents and office mates. Arianne came to visit me! Lots of adventures.

September

Research. Visit with Uncle Mike. More Texas heat. Lindsay and Bobby moved in for a bit.

October-November

Complete blur. Internal Medicine rotation for 2 months: 4am to 10pm. Texas is still hot. Crazy. Awesome Halloween party. Trip to PapaBear's for Thanksgiving (what a wonderful break and amazing time-I am so very grateful for my PapaBear)

December

New Orleans to present my research! Finished out my first six months as a resident! Spent Christmas in Texas-finally getting cooler.

The move to Texas was huge for me. I wish that I could write and talk about how wonderful it has been-but that would be a stretch. Its getting better-don't get me wrong. But it really is hard to uproot your life, to leave the ones you love, and start over again. Texas has brought a lot of growth in itself, a lot of depending on the Lord, and I am really excited for the new year to focus on my new theme and learn to love texas.

But before we get to all of that, last year's theme and goals:

My theme was based around the quote: "In order to become what we want to be, we have to consistently be what we want to become."

Make the Choice to simplify my life

This has been an ongoing process. With the move to Texas I have started to declutter my life and am continuing to work on that. Luckily I haven't had a lot of extra money, so I haven't been able to spend it on needless things. I've not been excellent on focusing on the key relationships in my life, but I have done a lot better then normally. I really focused on seeking out Christ in the Book of Mormon and through that process, came to understand him better-to understand the better parts of me. So overall, I give this a check!

Make the choice to act and not be acted upon

This theme was a major plus from January through August. And then I lost my footing a little. I became overwhelmed with the fear that I had made the wrong choice in moving to Texas, that I had misunderstood revelation. However, after a few weeks of floundering, I found my footholds again and really chose to not be acted upon. So I will give this a check!

Make the choice to be healthy

A perpetual struggle. However, I ran some races (thanks to Jessica Donbrosky!) and I finally got a gym membership! I was going to classes every day for a week, but then Christmas break came and I got lazy. So overall, no check! But there is always next year.

Make the choice to be productive

This one is hard to write, especially after the last week where I have not done a great job. However, I think overall I have done a really good job at focusing on things and accomplishing them. There is still tons of improvement to be done, but I managed to complete residency applications, to study for my boards, to move to Texas, to complete my courses and research project, to teach students, and to complete internal medicine! Thus, CHECK!

3/4 checks! Not bad. Good year. Improvements to be made, but there will always be improvements. So here is to next year-and the theme that is to come.

Thanksgiving is fast approaching

So what better way to get in the mood, then listing my 5 favorite foods! (haha, that rhyming is just to awesome to change)

5.

Jessica Donbrosky's Oatmeal Cookies with Cinnamon Chips

4.

Summer squash casserole

3.

Grandma's Green Bean Casserole

2.

Jessica Donbrosky's Honey Bun Cake

(she makes the list twice cause her desserts did me in all the time!)

1.

Lemon Bars

(I do believe I have a problem-3/5 of my favorite foods are desserts. OY VEY.)

I've been things and I have seen places.

“The more that you read, the more things you will know. The more that you learn, the more places you'll go.”

6. Oceanside, CA

I love this place. There are so many memories, so much growth, and substantial peace that I find every time I find myself there. Nothing is better for me then a walk on the beach, the sand between my toes; a shake from Rudy's on the pier; a sunset over the water; and a trip to Chandler's for a glass bulb in memory of Grandma.

5. Island Park

I love my mountains. I love swimming at buttercream with my cousins. I love horseshoe tournaments and playing cards all day long. I love homemade donuts and sleeping on the hard ground. I love waking up and warming up by the campfire. I love fishing and hiking. I love Island Park.

4. Virginia

My home. I love fall and the changing of the leaves. I love the history and culture. I love my village-those who raised me.

3. Grandma's House

Who doesn't love grandma's house?! Hugs and kisses. Delicious food. And time with the best little woman in the world.

2. Italy/Spain/Greece

Best trip of my life.

1. The Temple

Doesn't matter where it is located, it will always be my favorite place on earth.

7 wants: Fantasy or Reality?!

“I've learned that everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurs while you're climbing it.”

7. This dumb class to be over.

No for reals. I strongly dislike my Tuesday afternoon class. I come and do nothing related to the class. Instead I play on my computer, work on other assignments, or read a book. (I finished the Hunger Games in this class...)

6. A second job.

Cause then maybe I can afford to go home for Christmas and not stress at the end of every month and pay people back and all that jazz. (I have a phone interview tomorrow...fingers crossed!)

5. To be debt free.

See number 6.

4. A horse farm.

Horses make me ridiculously happy. Why would I not want a horse farm?

3. To run a marathon, without actually running.

I said fantasy/reality. Its my want list. Stop judging me.

2. To be better at bearing my testimony outside of church.

Its a good want.

1. To get married (SOMEDAY).

Well...I do....

200?!! Really?!! 200!!!

So I'm feeling a lot of pressure to make this post spectacular because it is my 200th post on this blog! This blog has been an outlet for my frustrations, for my sadness, my testimony, and ultimately my journeys over the last few years.

So for this post I just want to say that I am very grateful for so very much today. I had a very rough Sunday-the dam of emotions that I have been shoving down inside for over 3 months finally blew and I'm pretty sure I spent more time crying then I did anything else. But it was so good for me-I needed it more then I knew.

Then today, I set out with the intention to just have a decent day. And of course, I got so much more-another tender mercy of the Lord.

I am so, so very grateful for the love my Father in Heaven has for me. I am grateful that it gives me purpose and strength. I am grateful that it heals my wounds and builds me up. I am so very grateful for Him and all He does.

The only thing we have to fear, is fear itself...

That being said, I'm pretty sure I have more then 8 fears...but I'll list my biggest ones!

#8:

Heights. Oh yea. I know I'm a rock-climber. But have you seen me climb with just anyone?! No. You can chalk that one up to Jessica Voqui (I still love you) since she dropped me when we were climbing once! Yeah-talk about making your fear worse.

#7:

Going blind. It runs in my family and I'd rather die before I lost my sight. (I'm sure if it happens, I'll survive-but I'd rather not find out)

#6, #5, #4:

Failure. Disappointing people. Not being good enough. (They all go together-and they circle my brain constantly)

#3:

Losing my two remaining Grandparents. I know it's inevitable-but I'm hoping they can stick around til I get married and have a few kids and maybe even a few grandkids. I'm ridiculously close to my Papabear and my Gamma is my best friend. It was hard enough losing my Grandpa Ron and my Grandma June. I can't imagine going through that all over again.

#2:

Scary movies. I know its ironic. But I hate them and I'm afraid of them-to the point that I refuse to even read what they are about.

#1:

Hobo spiders. Not all spiders. Just those nasty Hobo spiders that sneak into your basement, climb up your bathroom walls, and chase you when you find one. (Uncle Mike-you are still on the crap list for letting one jump on me when you were trying to feed Petey. *SHIVER*)

9?! 9?! I hate multiples of 3!!!

Better get this one over quick!!!

"A heart full of love, A heart full of song."

#9:

Orin and Bryant told me that I have way to many of them. But I don't care! I can't get enough of books. And I don't want a kindle, because I love to touch my books, I like to smell them, and I write all over them. In short, I love books.

#8:

I love the temple. When I was younger, I thought that I loved only the Idaho Falls temple, but then I feel in love with the Washington DC temple, and now I love the San Antonio temple. So I've learned its not the location, but the actual temple.

#7:

I think its important to know that along with temples, I absolutely love the Gospel and being a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (in sense, a mormon). With all the recent challenges and political comments recently, I just want it to be known that I am Christian, that I believe in Jesus Christ and that I know Joseph Smith was a prophet of God. My testimony is surrounded by love for the gospel and love surrounds me. =)

#6:

Oh yea. Me and sleep-BFF's for life. Seriously. Give me a soft blanket, some pillows, and a bed and I'll snuggle down. I nap like a champ. And when I say nap, I really mean I sleep for 2-3 hours at a time. I love sleep. And I don't get enough of it!

#5

I love my 3 best friends. I have been so lucky to find 3 very different people, who each make my life so much better. My life-time best friend, Heather Anne. My college best friend, Stephanie K. And my adult best friend, Jessica TB. There are many other important people in my life, great friends who have impacted me and I love them all-but these three girls I love more then words can describe. Their friendships have changed my life for the better and despite how things may change, they will always be a part of my life.

#4:

My family is also another love of mine. Although they drive me crazy, they also support me and their encouragement makes me work harder (especially when I feel like throwing in the towel). I'm grateful for such a large family-who will drive 28+ hours to come see me, who will spend an entire day cooking for me, or who will let me call and rant at all hours of the day. My family is far from perfect, but I would not trade them for the world. I love them fiercely and completely.

#3:

There is a special place in my heart for this particular family member. My PapaBear is my hero. I always struggled with feeling so different and then I realized, I'm not different. I take after my grandfather-a person who defeated all odds and became something amazing. Our relationship is something that is very important to me and something I love.

#2:

I love musicals. My favorites are Les Miserables, Wicked, and Rent. At times, I wish my life were an actual musical.

#1:

My number one love is my scriptures. My Gamma got me my scriptures for Christmas when I was 15. They were the first set I had ever had and they had my name on them. Now, they are old and full of my markings. They show the growth of my testimony and my knowledge of God. They also show the struggles I faced and how I overcame them and stayed close to my Father in Heaven. They are the most precious thing I own and I love them so very much.

Challenges

I've been up and down, riding a roller coaster of emotions for the past month. I've always been a pretty emotional person-I think this is what happens when you wear your heart on your sleeve. The interesting thing is that I actually hate being emotional-I hate crying and if I cry I get extremely frustrated which only makes me more emotional. But this is not fair to myself and after President Uchtdorf's talk, I have realized that I need to be kinder to myself and let myself feel the emotions because they are essential for my growth and they make me the person that I know I want to be-because lets be honest, I don't want to have no emotion. I'd rather feel EVERYTHING-this way I get to feel those 'lows' and in return feel those 'highs'.

So I am challenging myself to be who I am and to let myself feel these emotions and learn from them. I'm also taking Jessica's challenge to change up my blog posting.

Charles Sanford said, 'Secrets are made to be found out with time.'

I guess now is the time for 10 of my secrets (just 10! Its all you get so don't be greedy)

#10:

I know that I cannot sing, but when I am all alone, I will sing songs over and over again at the top of my lungs-actually believing that I sound amazing.

#9:

I tell people that I don't think I am pretty cause mostly I don't-but I love my eyes and my nose. My eyes give everything away, they show every ounce of my love for people. And my nose is perfect for my face (plus it can hold a spoon and swing it back and forth and that's pretty awesome)

#8:

Sometimes, when people are interested in a subject that I know nothing about I will go and research the topic just so that I can talk to them and not feel dumb.

#7:

I fall quickly for people-even quicker then my closest friends know. And that scares me because I worry I'm more in love with the idea of falling in love then with the actual person.

#6:

My mom calls me Yammy and I tell everyone I hate it-but I actually really love that my mom has a pet name for me. I love it even more then the way she says 'San Francisco'

#5:

I love the way some boys smell. Clean or dirty. And when I was younger, I used to spray my pillow with cologne so that I would dream about cute boys.

#4:

I'm totally boy crazy (see comment above) and I have hoped my entire life that I would grow out of it-but I don't think I ever will.

#3:

I really do hate the number 3, but I don't hate all odd numbers like I tell everyone. I prefer even numbers, but there really isn't anything wrong with 5 or 7 or 11. Its just those darn multiples of 3 and the 'why' is a secret I won't share!

#2:

I secretly wish I could write as well as my best friend. The stories she comes up with fascinate me and I wish that I could be that creative. I actually tried writing a story while I was in high school and I'm sure if I read it today, I would laugh at how ridiculous it was.

#1:

When I was younger, I wanted to be the first female president of the United States. But the older I get, I realize I'm really not as 'Type A' as I thought-so there is no way I'd ever be able to get the job done!

Scriptures

Recently, I decided to follow the charge of Elder Bednar to get a new copy of the Book of Mormon and seek out Christ. Because of this challenge I have not used my personal set of scriptures since July. Last night, however, I pulled them out to use them for my institute class. When I opened them I was overwhelmed by my love for the scriptures.

My personal scriptures are wrecked. They have pages ripped out of them, they are stained in places, and they have different colored markings and writings all throughout them. But they are mine and I have used them since I was 15 to 'seek out the truth' and to 'come unto Christ'.

I am very grateful for the scriptures we have on the earth today-for the lessons they teach and for their ability to bring us into the fold of God. My heart really does rejoice in scripture.

And I Just Want My Heart to Fall Apart

Life has been so wonderful-really-but there are things missing. Holes that can't just be filled by anyone and conversations that just aren't occurring. I miss my best friend, in fact I ache for her. I miss talking for hours upon hours about everything with such clarity and perspective.

I've loved my new institute class-its like the top of my head is opened and revelation just flows in. I've felt so blessed by my relationship with my Father in Heaven. Its never been better-I wish that I could put it into words, but its impossible. I've never understood Christ better and I've never wanted to improve my life more.

My Uncle Mike surprised me this weekend and stayed for a few days. I'm so grateful for him and his love for me. It was a quick trip, but I enjoyed every minute of it.

I'm going to my first college football game Saturday and I cannot wait! I also cannot decide who to root for!

Drenched in Destiny

I have been reflecting recently on how intwined my life is with the gospel. Every day it seems as though what I am learning 'in the world' ties back to my faith and teaches me more about Heavenly Father's plan for us. With this reflection and pondering, I have felt a stirring within my heart and deep in my gut (to a place I can only describe as the very essence of me-my soul). I've attributed this feeling recently to gratitude, something I feel is very different from being thankful. I told a friend this past weekend, that to me gratitude has components of love, of respect, and of reverence. To quote myself:

"I am so grateful for Heavenly Father creating me exactly as I am. I am so far from perfect and there are a lot of things I struggle with liking about myself-but I really do love how perfectly Heavenly Father created my spiritual being. I love how in tune with the Spirit I can get-how simplistic and beautiful the gospel is to me. How much peace I gain from the knowledge that I am his daughter and that he loves me individually and unconditionally. I love how at times I can feel his love and feel how proud of me he is-and that when I feel that way, I gain a desire to work harder...There are lots of things that I am thankful for-my health, my home, a job, etc. But gratitude is something I can feel within myself...My gratitude for how perfectly Heavenly Father has planned our lives, individually and specific, brings me to the point of tears and my soul longs for the day I can kneel at his feet and literally 'bathe his feet with my tears' for all that he has done for me."

I've continued to let these thoughts mix with my feelings of moving to Texas and with all the changes in my life recently. And then today, I randomly decided to look for a talk that someone had once told me to read-and as I read it, those feelings of reverence and love (ultimately of gratitude) stirred within my heart and soul. I'm so grateful for my Heavenly Father and for His specific presence in my own life. I feel at peace and I feel like I am walking the right path in life. As I read these words by Neal A. Maxwell, I recognized these thoughts within myself:

"This mortal experience through which we are passing is one in which beauties abound; subtleties and delicacies are all about us, waiting to be noticed. Wonders are everywhere to be seen...There are real costs associated with meekness. A significant down payment must be made. But it can come from our sufficient supply of pride. We must also be willing to endure the subsequent erosion of unbecoming ego. Furthermore, our hearts will be broken in order that they might be rebuilt. As Ezekiel said, one's task is to 'make you a new heart and a new spirit'. There is no way that such dismantling, such erosion, such rebuilding can occur without real cost in pain, pride, adjustments, and even some dismay. Yet since we cannot be 'acceptable before God save we are meek and lowly in heart', the reality of that awesome requirement must be heeded."

I don't know if that will have the same effect on you as it did me-but 'wow' is all I can say. We are meant to see the beauty and delicacies in our lives-the wondrous ways in which God alters us. And even in those moments of pain or dismay, His hand can still be seen creating and rebuilding a new heart and a new spirit. My thoughts and reflections have helped me to recognize that this week and because of the knowledge I have found, my soul continues to yearn to return home. How grateful I am for the gift of this knowledge-to know exactly where I want to return. How grateful I am for the way the threads of my life wind together, in such perfect patterns, to create within me a new heart-to make me more like Him. If that doesn't make you yearn for these experiences, heart wrenching and all, I don't know what will.

I am secretly (okay not so secret anymore) in love with Anderson Cooper. He just makes me laugh so hard. If you have not seen his giggle melt down on national television, you are missing out. Seriously it still brings me to the point of tears when I laugh.

I break up the monotony of my day by watching him. And sometimes I probably laugh way to hard-but laughter is good for the soul.

I'm happy. And when I am happy I laugh. And I'd rather have laugh lines then frown lines!

I am the total package...

The title to this blog post references a comment I made in class during a discussion about our individual strengths. When we entered the program, Dr. Burgess had us take this Strength Finders test to determine what we excel in and then we had to discuss the strengths. Each strength falls into one of 4 categories: Relationship building, strategic thinking, execution, and influence. Typically, people's strengths will fall into 1-2 of the categories; mine, however, spread across the board-hence I am the total package :)

I really enjoyed this strength finders project. Actually, that's a lie...At first I hated it. I was really frustrated with my strengths and felt like compared to everyone else in the group, I was seen as the weak, wimpy kid. But therein lied my problem-I was comparing myself to other people. So once I stepped back from the situation and reflected on my strengths, I was grateful for my strengths. (Once again I related this experience to the gospel-this must be the cause of seeking out Christ in the Book of Mormon, because lately everything centers back down on the gospel. But this experience made me think of the talents God gives us and how we are supposed to expand upon those talents. These strengths of mine, they come from Heavenly Father and they make me the person that I want to be-so for that I am grateful.)

So here are my strengths, in detail:

1st: Individualization

Driven by your talents, you enhance your own quality of life each time you reach out to someone in need. Intrigued by the unique qualities of each person, you are impatient with generalizations or 'types' because you don't want to obscure what is special and distinct about each person. This theme explains why you pick your friends just the right birthday gift, why you know one person prefers praise in public and another detests it, and why you tailor your teaching style to accommodate one person's need to be shown and another's desire to figure it out as I go. Chances are good that you naturally enjoy watching people. Because you are such a keen observer of other people's strengths, you can draw out the best in each person.

To those of you who know me well, you know I hate it when people 'put me in a box'. I am not someone who belongs in a box and I will surprise you every time. This is because I want you to see the distinct differences in me and I don't want you to obscure what is special about me. This is why when a friend puts together a gift that reminds me of my grandma, it becomes one of the most important things I have ever received. Because it shows me that you know what is special about me. This strength defines me completely-all of my friends are different and this is why I can love each of them so specifically. It also helps me to incorporate everyone's talents into a project or group. (In a sense, this is a form of my leadership.)

2nd: Input

You are inquisitive. You collect things-information, words, facts, books, quotations, or tangible objects. Yours is the kind of mind that finds so many things interesting. You really don't feel comfortable throwing anything away. So you keep acquiring and compiling and filing stuff away. Its interesting. It keeps your mind fresh and perhaps one day some of it will prove valuable. You sometimes feel you could accomplish bigger things in the future if only you know more.

Your mind is open and absorbent. You naturally soak up information the same way a sponge soaks up water. But just as the primary purpose of the sponge is not to permanently contain what it absorbs, neither should your mind simply store information. Input without output can lead to stagnation. As you gather and absorb information, be aware of the individuals and groups that can benefit from your knowledge, and be intentional about sharing with them.

This explains why as a child I always asked, "Why? Why? Why?" I need to know everything and I want to include everyone in on what I've learned. (even if they could care less about the world of pharmacy!)

3rd: Learner

You love to learn. You will always be drawn to the process of learning. The process, more then the content or the result, is especially exciting for you. You are energized by the steady and deliberate journey from ignorance to competence. Your excitement leads you to engage in adult learning experiences-yoga or piano lessons or graduate classes. It enables you to thrive in dynamic work environments where you are asked to take on short project assignments and are expected to learn a lot about a new subject matter in a short period of time and then move on to the next one.

Be a catalyst for change. Others might be intimidated by new rules, new skills, or new circumstances. Your willingness to soak up this newness can calm their fears and spur them into action. Take this responsibility seriously.

I love this concept! This is so me! I love to learn everything and anything-its why I have so many books, ORIN! I also love that it tells me that I should be a catalyst for change-what an awesome call to do something great.

4th: Restorative

You love to solve problems. Whereas some are dismayed when they encounter yet another breakdown, you can be energized by it. You enjoy the challenge of analyzing the symptoms, identifying what is wrong, and finding the solution. You enjoy bringing things back to life. You fixed it, resuscitated it, rekindled its vitality. Phrasing it the way you might, you saved it.

Give yourself a break. Your restorative talents might lead you to be overly self-critical. Let other people solve their own problems. You might want to rush in and solve things for them, but by doing that you might hinder their learning. Seek opportunities to enhance your abilities through a demanding field, activity, or endeavor that requires exceptional skill and/or knowledge.

I love to fix problems?! I don't believe it! Just kidding. Obviously this is me. I try and fix things-even when there is no solution. And I pound my head against the brick wall constantly. I also do need to give myself a break-cause I am ridiculously hard on myself when I can't fix something or when I feel stagnant.

5th: Woo. (yeah, thats right, I'm a woo-er. GET OVER IT.)

Some people shy away from starting up conversations because they worry about running out of things to say. You don't. Not only are you rarely at a loss for words; you actually enjoy initiating with strangers because you derive satisfaction from breaking the ice and making a connection. By nature, you may feel the absence of your friends more deeply then some people do. Perhaps you long for the emotional support these individuals provide when miles separate you or circumstances make communication impossible.

Recognize the power of your presence and how you open doors for an exchange of ideas. By simply starting conversations that engage others and bring talented people together, you will take performance up a notch-or several.

I fought and I kicked and I complained about this strength; but it is me almost completely. I do engage others and I NEVER run out of things to talk about. I actually found out that less then 5% of the total population is a 'woo'-so this is actually a rare quality and something to be embraced. I see the value in making new friends, but I also understand the importance of my close friends. In fact, I am able to find safe people to lean on for emotional support. (Comeon! That is totally me!)

~*~*~*~*~*~

So there you have it folks-my strengths. I'm the total package and absolutely unique and amazing. I'm constantly seeking out learning and fighting fiercely for my friends. I'll try to solve your problems and love you throughout them all-even if I see where you are failing. And when it comes to those of you who are close to me, just know that I will always cherish you for who you are and that the distance (whether figurative or literal) breaks my heart. Often in my friendships and relationships, I want to know why and as long as you are open and honest with me, I'll remain loyal and love you intensely-but if you try to keep something from me or shut me out, I'll bang my head against that proverbial wall while locking my 'true' self away. And as for the gospel, well this is why my testimony is deep and true. I sought it out and I know because I know.

Quick Update

I have this huge post that I haven't finished yet-there just hasn't been time! But I will get to it soon! I also have pictures to post from when Arianne was here (I love that girl!!!)

We had so much fun adventuring throughout San Antonio and catching up. It was wonderful having her here. We stayed up late just talking every night. It was so nice to have a friend here who knows me well and not have to explain things. She definitely agreed I am more reserved here then I was in VA-its something to work on for sure.

I cried when she left. But was so grateful to have the time with her. I'm also grateful for my co-residents, especially Grace. I absolutely adore her and our friendship is growing more every day. I am certain she will be a close friend over the next two years. Ivan will be too-its always different with boys, but he is a gem as well.

I'm really grateful for the letters from close friends as well and even more for the random phone calls I sometimes get. They keep me pushing forward and remind me that I can find people similar here.

All in all, I have no complaints about life. I'm at peace and its a pretty great feeling.

Sunday Love

I am so grateful for those tender mercies that whisper right to the heart-the ones that remind me of my testimony and my faith in God.

Verily, verily, I say unto thee, blessed art thou for what thou hast done; for thou hast inquired of me, and behold, as often as thou hast inquired thou hast received instruction of my Spirit. If it had not been so, thou wouldst not have come to the place where thou art at this time. Behold, thou knowest that thou hast inquired of me and I did enlighten thy mind; and now I tell thee these things that thou mayest know that thou hast been enlightened by the Spirit of truth; Yea, I tell thee, that thou mayest know that there is none else save God that knowest thy thoughts and the intents of thy heart.

A True Coach

We had our first set of training for 'How to Teach' this past weekend and then we started our coursework yesterday. Our instructor, who happens to be the head of the program, was talking yesterday and some of the things he said resonated in my heart.

Dr. Burgess was talking about how in life he doesn't believe that we need Mentors, but that instead he thinks we need coaches. Why? Because a coach will push you to the edge, they will push you till it hurts; sometimes you want to curse at your coach and sometimes you want to give up and throw in the towel; there are even other times that you might yell 'Why Me?!' But in the end, a coach knows just how far to push to get you to where you need to be. In fact, a coach really has your best intentions at heart and knows just how far they can push you to get you to grow.

There were two things that Dr. Burgess said that I wrote down. First, 'Its all about growth, which is painful' and second, 'If it is your priority to succeed, your coach will get you there.'

I liken this, of course, to our Father in Heaven-ultimately our life's greatest coach. Heavenly Father does all the same things the coach described above does-His ultimate goal for us is to return to Him someday. In thinking of this, I have just reflected on how much God really does love us. Everything in His plan is centered on this perfect love for us. And I just can help but be grateful for this 'coach' who pushes me till it hurts for my own good. And when my priorities align with His, when I want to return home someday, I come out on the other side, I grow a little bit stronger and get closer to Him.

Little Fish, Big (HUGE) Pond

***Disclaimer, this post may come off as self-pity. It is not meant to sound that way. I am just trying to write out my thoughts, because I am struggling with being able to actually talk to any of my 'safe' people about how I really feel and what is going on in my life. Writing is therapeutic for me and I need to let these emotions flow-I have held it together for weeks now, but I need to finally let myself 'feel'.

I've been in Texas for almost two weeks now and I can attest to a few things. First, the skies really are bigger here and they are so blue that it takes my breath away. And I learned quickly that we are really close to the sun, so you must always wear sunscreen (even if you are only going outside for an hour-if you don't you will become a lobster) Second, people here are all about food. Seriously! Its this restaurant and that restaurant and not that restaurant. It cracks me up. I've also learned that Texas is going to take some time to grow into-because as they say, 'Everything Really is Bigger in Texas'-except for me that is...

I've been reflecting a lot on my life and who I have become throughout the years. In high school I felt like I didn't fit in, like I was being held back from my potential, and what I could do. Basically, I was a big fish in a little pond. Then I moved to Virginia. I remember that first week with such clarity. It was an experience all in its own-everything seemed brighter and more possible. I was no longer a big fish, I had transformed to a smaller fish in a manageable pond. And over time I grew into who I wanted to become. I've been working so hard at being confident in myself and knowing what I believe and I know that I have come such a long way. But here in Texas it is different. I am no longer the right size for the pond. Here, I am so very tiny and small and the pond is huge.

Its very daunting and every day I feel like I am running to keep up with a group who is walking. And every day I feel myself being pushed closer to the line of 'I can't do this'. There are moments when all I want to do is throw in the towel, to go back home to Virginia where I fit in and ultimately was safe. The stress of my financial situation alone is suffocating (in all my years as a student, my bank account was never this empty and I feel as though I have exhausted all my options for help). I fall asleep only to dream of bills and the cost of living right now. I wake up absolutely exhausted and feeling more stressed then before I went to sleep.

I'm so ridiculously homesick for Jessica, for Stephanie, for Chantal, and for so many others. Every night I walk into my apartment hoping Jessica will be there to greet me with a side hug or even attitude (seriously, I miss the attitude). The tears came before I left-but the ache in my heart came just this week. I'm trying to make new friends but it hasn't been easy and I worry that I might be the cause (how do you find friends that can match what I have had? especially when they have been everything to me for so long).

And I write all this out with this small desire to really just give up and give in-to call the game and go home. But that desire doesn't touch my knowledge that Heavenly Father wants me here and that there is something to be learned from all these struggles. In all my stress and sorrow, I have leaned on the Lord (ultimately, I've been carried through). And every time I get to the point of quitting, I am blessed with a tender mercy that is so personal and so exact that I am renewed to keep going one more day. I know that joy will come and I know that things will be okay-I know it with such a force that it keeps me driving forward. I am so grateful that my gift in this life is unwavering faith and knowledge. I may not struggle or stress beautifully or gracefully like some people-but it can never be said that I ever quit. I can't. My testimony won't let me.

So I guess for now, I'll continue to be a little fish and I'll keep swimming, keep growing, and keep leaning on my Savior for strength.

Livin Large in San Antonio

Cause everything is bigger in Texas...duh!

I just want to say how very grateful I am for my friends. They have really supported me through this move and if it wasn't for some of them, I would have fallen flat on my face literally.

I'm still getting acclimated and I am trying to put myself out there-I'm struggling, but it will come.

It's not goodbye for us-for us its just see you later.

I'm overwhelmed by my thoughts tonight-my head has been racing so much today, that it is actually hurting to produce conscious thought-but yet I can't stop thinking.

The last three days have been full of fun, tons of love, and more goodbyes then I ever wanted in one event. I keep trying to convince myself its not goodbye, its only 'see you later.' But ultimately, there will only be a few people who really stay in my life for good. I know that people shift into and out of our lives for a reason and I am so very grateful for the many wonderful people the Lord has put into my life these past 8 years.

Tonight at institute Brother Janson was inspired to do a closing hymn-he chose 'God be with You til We Meet Again.' Before we sang, he gave a little statement about me leaving. Of course this brought me to tears and as I hugged each of my friends goodbye I cried even harder. I was very touched by this song-because I hope and I pray I will meet each of these friends again. It just really put things into perspective.

While I will miss all my friends here in VA, there are certain friends who's place will never be taken-I may make new friends in TX and I am very excited about these new people, but the relationships will be different. There are certain people who have been my constant support system, my friends, my lighthouses. And I am going to miss them fiercely.

I am not looking forward to saying 'See You Later' to Chantal, to Jessica, to Stephanie, and to so many others. And although I am so excited for this new path in life, I know that as I pull away from Richmond (my home for the last 8 years) I won't be able to stop the tears from falling.

I detest moving!

This does not mean that I am not excited for the move to Texas in 4 days!!!! More that I just hate packing up all my stuff (which somehow consists of more stuff then I ever need) only to turn around and unpack it a few days later.

I'm going to start throwing things out. Goodbye, good riddance to all this CRAP!

I've Decided I Like Being a Girl

Tonight at frisbee I told a boy, 'Don't worry about me, I can hold my own with the boys.' 30 seconds later, this same boy slammed into me causing me to fly into the air, then skid on my face and knee into the ground. In short this boy made me crumble on the ground and cry like a girl.

It took me a while to come around, to stop crying, and to manage the pain in my neck and ankle. Anyways, my whole point of this post is to say two things:

First, tonight was my first big hit since my football days...and it was AWESOME!!!

Second, I'm okay with being a girl and although I like playing with the boys, I'm glad that I am still soft like a girl should be!

What Lies Ahead is Better than What You are Asked to Leave Behind

Texas in 8 days. Wow. It is coming so quickly. My house is almost completely packed. I pick up my truck on Tuesday and pack it all up Tuesday and Wednesday. Then Harry Potter Thursday at midnight and hitting the road on Friday morning.

Jessica gave this amazing lesson at institute on Tuesday on a talk given by Jeffery R. Holland (Remember Lot's Wife). The talk had already sparked some re-evaluation in my life, but after Jessica's perspective I have really thought about my tendency to become like Lot's wife.

There are a few personal things I need to say, but don't really know how-so instead I will write them here:

*First, I need to really let people's mistakes go (especially if I want them to let mine go). I don't need to carry around 'buckets of sand and throw them in people's face'. The weight of those buckets really wear down my resolve and pull me away from being more Christlike.

"When honest effort is being made to progress, we are guilty of the greater sin if we keep remembering and recalling and rebashing someone with their earlier mistakes, and that "someone" might be ourselves. We can be so hard on ourselves, often much more so than with others! Like the Anti-Nephi-Lehies of the Book of Mormon, bury your weapons of war, and leave them buried."

*Second, I need to forgive and forget. There are a few key people who I need to forgive completely and then forget. I don't think this will make us close again or even put us on speaking terms, but it is something I have been working towards and something I finally feel ready to do (I am sorry it took me so long).

"When something is over and done with, when it has been repented of as fully as it can be repented of, when life has moved on as it should and a lot of other wonderfully good things have happened since then, it is not right to go back and open up some ancient wound which the Son of God Himself died trying to heal. Let people repent. Let people grow. Believe that people can change, and improve."

*Third (and probably most importantly), I need to remember that what the Lord requires us to give up, he replaces with so much more.

Faith is for the future. Faith builds on the past but never longs to stay there. Faith trusts that God has great things in store for each of us and that Christ is the "high priest of good things to come."

I cannot wait for this move to Texas. Its going to be wonderful, I know that there will be struggles and challenges. But I am ready! I am ready to let go of my comfort zone and let the Lord continue to mold me. I'm ready to leave the past behind me and I am looking to the future with Faith.