Bittersweet

I've been contemplating on the word 'bittersweet' recently. Its become a new adjective in my vocabulary for leaving Richmond. I've been using it to describe how I feel-although I am not certain my point is getting across.

Its like a semi-sweet chocolate chip for me. You eat the chocolate chip directly from the bag and its bitter and waxy and does not taste delicious at all. But then you mix it with some sugar, eggs, and flour and all of a sudden you have got this warm little morsel that actually tastes delicious.

Leaving Richmond for me is like eating a semi-sweet chocolate chip directly from the bag. Its bitter. Its painful. And it does not seem like a 'delicious' idea at all. However, when you mix the leaving with the move to Texas, the open possibilities in front of me, and Heavenly Father's guidance it changes everything. The thought of moving forward warms my adventurous side and the 'delicious' possibilities that sit at my feet are exciting.

Bittersweet: being at once bitter and sweet; especially pleasant but including or marked by elements of suffering or regret.

On closer examination of the definition, though, I find that maybe bittersweet is not the correct terminology. While the move brings pleasant opportunities, I don't want this move to be defined by elements of suffering or regret. There is none of that here-it is not allowed. Because although I will be homesick for my best friend and very important people, there is not an ounce of regret for this move.

I counseled with my Father in Heaven concerning this move. I distinctly remember the feelings of peace and comfort I felt when I made the decision to go to Texas. And I am grateful for the answers I received. Today I have been pondering on 2 Nephi Chapter 4-the beauty of Nephi's testimony has struck my heart in a poignant way and I have found great comfort in knowing that God's hand has been ever present in my life, designing and creating something better then before. My message to you tonight: Take the time to look for His hand-I think you might be surprised at what you find-maybe the bittersweet isn't really bittersweet after all, instead maybe it is just sweet.

Sheeeee'ssssss FANTASTIC!

We studied this talk in institute last night about the lessons we can learn from Laman and Lemuel. A lot of the qualities they possessed are easy to recognize as awful and its pretty easy to say that we recognize them and don't want to be like either of them. However, its not as easy as just professing that we don't want to be like them-we actually have to work at it.

There were two points in the discussion that really struck me. The first being that Laman and Lemuel did not really understand God's love for them. This is not an area I consider myself to be weak in-however, on closer examination I realize that some of my actions show otherwise. I feel that if I truly understood the depths of God's love for me, the perfect love he has, then I wouldn't be so quick to label myself with derogative terminology and I would be kinder to myself; which in turn would help me to love everyone around me more completely and less conditionally.

The second point that struck me hard is that Laman and Lemuel did not take the advice of the Lord to heart and they never ACTIVELY sought out his counsel in their doings. I know that this is an area I need to perfect. Over the last year I have really attempted to include the Lord in my decisions and I have gotten much better at recognizing his role in the big things in my life (such as where to apply for a residency, picking a residency that was right for me, and preparing to move away from the home that I have loved for the last 8 years). However, sometimes I fail to notice how much his counsel is important in those smaller details, such as taking a personal inventory and seeing where I measure up to myself or counseling with him about missionary work or my ability to be a better disciple.

I share these things here because writing about them helps me to think it out-but it also sparks conversations that help me to change and grow. I have been so grateful for the closeness I have felt with one of my best friends over the last two weeks-even more so for the conversation that we just keep continuing. I feel like Heavenly Father truly gave us our eternal friendship so that we could continue to challenge each other to grow. I cannot believe how much 'inventory' I have taken of myself during this conversation and how much I have pulled out from deep within to inspect-I have had the opportunity to clean out a lot of cobwebs and skeletons recently and I feel so much lighter. This is not to say that I am not stressed about my upcoming exams or this huge move-because let me tell you I am-but I feel peace and a closeness to my Heavenly Father I have never known.

I am determined to learn from these traits that Laman and Lemuel possessed and to choose the better part. I am going to strive to follow the counsel of my two 'eternal' best friends and love myself a little more-to really believe that I am 'FANTASTIC'. I am going to seek out the Lord's counsel in all the details of my life and use that counsel to become a better disciple of Christ.

"Recognize that there is a power greater than ours, that no matter how good a man is, he is not good enough, that no matter how wise he is, he is not wise enough, that no matter how strong he is, he is not strong enough for all of the things which he will face in life, and that there is a source of power to which he can go with the assurance that he will be listened to and that there will be a response."

-President Gordon B. Hinckley

I'm a Rockstar-When it comes to studying...

Two days until my VA Pharmacy Law Exam

Eight days until my NAPLEX Exam

Three weeks until I move to San Antonio

I love when I find a place that helps me study better. I've been studying at the institute building and its perfect. Its so quiet and there are little distractions. Its also awesome cause its definitely got the Spirit there which helps calm my stressed nerves.

I finally found my routine this week and its going pretty great! Hopefully I can keep it up for the next 8 days!

Conversation that Inspires You to Grow

“A single conversation across the table with a wise person is worth a month's study of books”

These are the types of conversations that I just absolutely love. I am so very grateful for the people in my life that I can have these conversations with-especially the ones who make me a better person. Or better yet, the ones that help me to reach deep inside and pull out the root of a feeling. In these moments, I am able to analyze myself and really understand myself. Its such a blessing to be able to do that with someone who is safe.

I am very grateful for my relationships and for the varying degrees of conversations that they afford, particularly the ones that delve into the deeper meanings of life.

Amazing Grace

2.o miles-less then twenty minutes! Boom!

I am so stinking proud of myself right now. Its amazing to me how much better this week has gone. I've reached that spiritual plateau after a very difficult climb uphill.

I am very grateful for these moments in life-they make the storms worth it. I am also very grateful for friends of all categories and walks of life. I am especially grateful for the relationship I share with my best friends. To these three girls, they are everything I need to be a better person and to love life more fully. I am grateful to them for their individuality, their stubborn attitudes, their challenges, their crazy antics, and most of all for their testimonies.

"Touch, Touch"

Letting Go

Its been clear to me that this past week has not been easy for most of the people in my life. I have spent countless hours having conversations with people who have been overwhelmed or bombarded with heartbreaking situations and in the midst of it all, I lost sight of myself and became one hot mess.

I thought that going to the temple yesterday would resolve my inner turmoil and that I would find peace. But peace did not come in the temple and I struggled with understanding the emotions I felt. I knew I had felt the Spirit and I found some answers, but I did not feel peace. I left the temple with a racing mind and a desire to do nothing but curl up and cry. I didn't have the time-I had plans with Chantal and Jimmy, Chantal had planned this dinner to put me with another person and I felt like I couldn't let her down.

Finally, after putting on my best game face, I was able to come home and let go (sorry Jessica for becoming a hot mess on your floor). I cried and blubbered and finally vocalized my thoughts. It didn't matter if what I was saying was all true-if the thoughts were stronger because of the emotions. I just had to let it go and as I did, I was finally able to see through the storm clouds.

This morning I awoke and everything was clear. The Spirit was with me from the very second I opened my eyes. I had small tender mercies as I walked through the house doing various things. And then at church it finally clicked and the peace I had been searching for all week, finally came.

Heavenly Father doesn't ask us to give up very much of ourselves and it is true that what he does ask of us can get difficult. However, if we can just hold the way and push through the difficult paths, our Father in Heaven will pour out his blessings upon us with such grace we have never known. I knew that I felt the Spirit in the temple and even though I didn't feel the peace, I didn't throw in the towel. I kept pushing forward even as I was cracking at every seam and felt as though I was like humpty dumpty and couldn't put myself back together again. Yet, there was a reason for it all.

Heavenly Father doesn't just hand it over-he tests us, he wants to make sure we are going to do what he asks. And when we do, we are then worthy of His blessings. I love this gospel-I love my faith in this gospel. Without it I don't know where I would be.

Making the Choice

It should come as no surprise that I have been put to the test this past week. Satan can be very cunning and I believe his attacks are very specific and personal. I hate to admit that self-doubt and fear have consumed my thoughts this week. I have loathed myself for feeling certain ways and I have been unable to step outside of myself and serve others around me who need it most. In short, I stopped being a good friend, I stopped acting and instead allowed myself to be acted upon.

What I am most grateful for this week, is that Heavenly Father hears and answers our prayers. Be it through other people, the scriptures, or through the Holy Spirit-God NEVER leaves us hanging. I had the challenge to finish listening to the last session of conference by today and the second to last talk was by Elder Jeffery R. Holland. His talk struck me and the Spirit gave me a gentle reminder of a commitment that I had made a few months ago. In his talk, Elder Holland reminds us that we are to 'consecrate our lives to the callings that come to us and to the duty to preach God's word'. In short, we are all called to be disciples and 'as the path of discipleship ascends, the trail gets even more narrow until we come to the knee buckling sermon of 'be ye therefore perfect.' What was gentle in the lowlands of initial loyalty, becomes deeply strenuous and very demanding at the summit of true discipleship.'

This gentle, yet specific description reminded me of my challenge for this year and answered my prayers so specifically. This year, I want to make the choice to be a disciple of Christ; I want to lead my life as he would have me lead it and become who he would have me be. But in order to accomplish this, I have to seek Him out and learn of Him. When I went and listened to Elder David A. Bednar, of the quorum of the twelve, I received an apostolic admonition to 'get a brand new copy of the Book of Mormon and seek out Christ from the beginning to the end.'

In that moment I made a commitment to accomplish this task and somehow along the way, I got distracted. Today, I was reminded of my commitment and I reaffirmed my desire to know Christ. I know that I need Him in my life. Its not just this occasional thing-like when the moments get hard; I need Him every hour, it is the only way I can become his true disciple.

Life is hard, but that doesn't mean we cannot have joy. 'Living the gospel is not a chore, it is the path that brings enduring happiness and joy.' I am so grateful for a loving Heavenly Father who takes the time to answer my prayers and who knows me individually and loves me because of my imperfections and weaknesses.

This is my time (and all of our time) to make the choice to act and not be acted upon. Each of us can come to know Christ and through the process find true happiness.

I really love running!

I am not a great runner, in fact most times I disappoint myself with my times or even my ability on my distances. However, when I run consistently (and by consistently I mean 3-4 times a week) I absolutely love running.

Running is the one thing that allows me to focus my thoughts and to really figure out what I need to do or where I need to go. It also makes me feel better about my body and health. Plus, running outdoors lets me take different roads and see new things!

Today I almost made my mark of running a mile in under 10 minutes. (I know that this is not a huge feat for some of you, in fact it may seem rather pathetic, but for me it is exciting and I am very proud of myself.)

So when I get to Texas, I am going to sign up for a 5k or a 10k. And then, come November, I am finally going to attempt my first 1/2 marathon. :)

Countdown-cause I love them!

But before we get to that, lets give a shout out to my college best friend STEPHANIE!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY PRETTY GIRL!!! I am so very grateful to have shared my college years and so much more with you! And I am super excited for our LONG drive to San Antonio together!!

Now for the countdown:

? days until I take the NAPLEX

43 days until I move to San Antonio!!!