I'll Make You Fall in Love with Me!

I'm really struggling with this rotation-it shouldn't matter. Technically I am done with pharmacy school, I completed the required 8 rotations and I passed them-so I'm done. But the over-achiever in me decided 9 rotations would be smart and would teach me a lot. Not this one. My preceptor makes me feel dumb and there is an obvious difference in the way he treats me compared to the other students. I feel like I can't get it right and I feel stupid-neither of which make me feel good. So today, after working 3 12-hour shifts, I finally lost it. I started crying in the pharmacy when I heard my preceptor praise one of the other students. Nobody noticed my crying, which was great cause I hate crying in front of people: HATE IT.

So I told Holly, my roommate, that I wanted to go out for a nice dinner tonight and just let the day/feelings fall away. Instead of walking home with the others, I walked alone and called my Grandma so that I could have a moment. I love talking to my Grandma-she just lets me cry it out and say ridiculous things that I don't really mean just so I can get them out. Tonight, she told me she was going to bake pies for me to throw in people's faces! (Best Grandma EVER-and no I will not share!)

I am ridiculously homesick. I'm tired of feeling so stupid every day, tired of feeling like my preceptor hates me. And I want certain people to call...to say they miss me...because I am a girl and those things are important to me. So once I got home I had a nice cry about all the things that are bothering me and then I washed my face and headed out for what I thought was going to be a mundane night; boy was I wrong!

So halfway into Farmington (our closest town) I get pulled over. My brain is absolutely screaming because my points are high for the first time ever and I'm afraid I am going to lose my license. Come to find out my headlight was burnt out. So we made a detour to an auto store to avoid further police encounters. This is where I met my new best friend/boyfriend Taylor. I walk into this store, march up to the counter and state, "Look-I'm a not so car smart girl who needs a light for my car. Can you help?" From here I entered into an Amber who I really like and would like to come out more often. I made jokes, I made people laugh really hard, and I made a boy totally fall all over himself for me. Seriously, Taylor fixed my light, my windshield wipers, and pretty much asked for my number. Best part about Taylor, he was from Ireland-had a wicked little accent and GORGEOUS blue-green eyes. Worst part-he was 19.

The whole experience just got me thinking. Why doesn't that Amber come out more often? Why can't I be carefree and silly like that more often? I'm not asking to get rid of my responsible side-I just want to balance the two and not be so serious. I constantly have my rational, responsible side on hyperdrive and in the back of my mind I hear my mom say to me, "Relax, you are to darn serious." I know what made me this way, but I wonder if its possible to create a Me that is more lighthearted, more fun, more loveable-less stressed, less obsessive, less controlling. I need to be a Me that makes boys fall over themselves more often-and Taylor, you can have my number anytime you want! ;)

Ramblings on Our Adventures

So we are currently down to 3 weeks until I get to go home! Three weeks from tomorrow I will load up my car and make the 31+ hour drive back to Richmond alone. Yes I am counting down, no I am not excited about the drive alone, but I cannot wait to be back at home.

I'm ridiculously homesick. I miss my roommate. I miss my cat. I miss my bed. I miss all my friends. Sunday was pretty awesome, I had phone dates with my Family, Jesse, and Jordan. All of which were so wonderful, but left me wanting to be with people who know me and love me. I'm so grateful for the wonderful people in my life (and the thought of moving to Texas is BITTERSWEET).

I've had fun here in NM-but the adventuring isn't the same without my people. Friday we drove to Santa Fe and explored the town. We saw a beautiful catholic church and dipped in and out of cute little shops. Then we stopped and watched the VCU/Florida state game (GO RAMS!). Saturday morning we got up and went on this amazing hike of Tent Rocks. Apparently the rocks are known for their suggestive looks-I didn't get it. But let me tell you, the view at the top was absolutely gorgeous. I felt like I could reach out and touch Heaven. (photos will come once I get back to Richmond) Saturday night we drove to the town of Taos and did some more shopping/exploring. I played with a real wolf-he was gorgeous; all black with golden eyes. He jumped up on me and was the same height as me! IT WAS CRAZY AWESOME. There was an older wolf that was all white with blue eyes. He was so pretty too.

Sunday morning we got up and drove out to the Rio Grande Gorge. Wow. More breath-taking sights. We tried to see an ancient pueblo but it was closed for the winter season so we decided to hit the road and find a pub along the way for the game (GO VCU!!) We started ascending up this mountain and outside was a gorgeous day. Then out of nowhere (ABSOLUTELY NOWHERE) the weather changed on the mountain and we entered into snow territory-it was blowing, there was 3-4 feet of snow everywhere. It was nuts!

We made it safely off the mountain and stopped at a bar in Chama to watch the game (VCU #1!!) then continued back to Shiprock to sleep before our twelve hour shifts began.

Holly and I are trying to get tickets to the NCAA Final Four-if we get them that is where we are going this weekend, if not we are going to Arches National Park (don't wory, I will stop and watch the game-it is a priority!)

Can I get a HECKS YEA?!!

I'm so proud of my school. This is really big for those boys and I am really stocked to be a part of this my last year at VCU! GO RAMS!

Invest in My Future...Anyone?!

I made it to Shiprock! I slept 10+ hours last night and feel so much better-I had serious homesickness yesterday, but now that I have slept its a whole lot better.

This weekend we are planning a trip to the Grand Canyon, possibly Mt. Zion National Park, and who knows what else along the way. Next weekend we are going camping in Arches National Park! Then I will only have one weekend left til I get to come home :)

As for my funds, I'm keeping tight on them...but I am seriously in trouble if I don't find a temp job when I get back to Richmond. The Dean told us how much it costs to get licensed...ITS RIDICULOUS!

So if anyone is offering some jobs (or money), I'll gladly accept either!

;)

Laughter, Loving Friends, and Lost Voices

Can I start out by saying just how much I love my friends?! Seriously I have got the world's best friends-whether they are near and I see them all the time; far and I talk to them all the time; or even far away and only get to catch up once and a while-my friends are seriously the best.

I packed my weekend full of quality time with people I love because I am leaving Friday for New Mexico. It started Friday night at Marissa and Lori's house and I'm pretty sure the fun never stopped. Its official that Jessica and I have become long-distance house mates with these two ladies. I don't know if it is because we all magically developed P.O.S.H (which is Jessica's current disease claim) or if it is because we are all so good at 'folding things up and putting them away', but we are just CRAZY and I love it!

So Friday night, the four of us got together and prepared our basketball awards. We came up with clever things like 'White on Rice Award', the "Sock It To 'Em Award', the 'Marketeering Award', etc. It was just one big mess of silliness.

Saturday I got up early and picked up Stephy (of course I had Starbucks for her to get her moving!) The two of us went and got my hair done and then I had my pictures taken for graduation. (Copies will be up soon-www.photosbymaddy.blogspot.com-she is AMAZING!!!) After a quick nap on Stephy's couch, I went to the Basketball Awards Banquet and presented the awards with Jessica. Then it was off to Jim's to watch Gone with the Wind...and frankly my dear, I just didn't give a darn about it. Its Jim's favorite movie and the characters were interesting-but it was so long and I was so tired, maybe its a movie for another night. I mean I was so tired-I lost my voice.

Yesterday, I went to church and then hung out with Ben. This has become my favorite Sunday ritual and I think it is something I will miss most while I am adventuring in New Mexico.

Thursday, we celebrate my birthday early and then on Friday, I get to drive 31 hours to Shiprock, NM. More adventures to come later!

Tonight

I am just raw-I'm hurt, confused, and just worn out. I've given all I could to those around me this week and now I just need to lean on the Lord tonight.

Steadfast Faith

Today was perfect. But before we get to today, we have to start with yesterday (and maybe even a little bit earlier).

After our game on Thursday, we all went out for icecream at Friendly's. My new (awesome) friend, Marissa and I decided that we would carpool to this relief society retreat that was going on Friday night. So yesterday, I drove over to Marissa's house so we could carpool to the activity. We picked up Michelle and went on our way. The retreat was instructional and fun-it was really what I needed yesterday. At the activity we took these mini-classes on Preparing for the Temple, Seeking out the Lord, and Scripture Study. Each class really put some things in my life into perspective.

On the way home from the activity (around 11:30pm) Marissa informed me that Elder Bednar was going to be in DC for a fireside Saturday morning. I told her that was awesome, but that I had a lot of things I needed to get done this weekend-so I wouldn't be able to go. As soon as I said it, I felt regret. Immediately I start yelling at myself in my head, "UM! HELLO! An Apostle of the Lord is going to be an hour and a half away and you are 'too busy' to go hear him speak?! I don't think so!" So I told Marissa I was going, set my alarm clock, and SHOT out of bed at 5am this morning to drive to the stake center and hear an Apostle speak to me...in person.

This is huge for me people. I have NEVER seen an Apostle in real life, never seen them speak from a pulpit in front of me. In fact the first time I saw an area 70 was only a year ago.

I am so grateful that I listened to my personal revelation and that I went. I have never felt the spirit so strong in my life-it witnessed to me the power of one who holds the priesthood keys and the truthfulness of this gospel ten-times over. Elder Bednar was funny, he was real, and he was a true conduit of our Father in Heaven's love for us.

The fireside was set up like a question and answer session-and I had a question, but I was terrified to ask it because I didn't think I could speak in front of an Apostle, let alone TO an Apostle-so I wrote my question down; just plopped it into my notebook and then actually raised my hand. No! Elder Bednar did not call on me-but the very next answer he gave answered my personal question specifically and personally. The spirit testified to me and the revelations flowed through my mind.

I don't know a lot. And I make so many mistakes. But I will tell you that I KNOW this church is true. I witness that Elder Bednar is an Apostle of the Lord and that he serves with the Quorum of the Twelve and the First Presidency to instruct and lead us back to our Heavenly Father and our Savior. I witness to you that personal revelation is real and that all of us can obtain it-and that it is so very personal. I witness that Heavenly Father loves us. That He knows us personally and that the plan He has for each of us is hand crafted to make us the best we can possibly be, so that we may return to him someday. I am so grateful for my testimony-I am grateful for the blessings that come with my testimony. I pray that everyone can find a testimony for themselves and that all can return to our Father in Heaven someday.

Someone Told Me This Today....

And I want to remember it for the times that I forget:

you're a great person yourself. No need to be sorry. ***** would be lucky to be with you, not to make comparisons, but there really isn't a comparison between you and *******, she's a nice enough girl, but you have a lot more going on, you're genuinely a better person. I don't know if I've told you but I think very highly of you and value your friendship quite a bit. You're an incredible girl Amber, you deserve a really good guy.

Today, I have a lot to say....

About change and moving on:

Last month marked one year of living with Jessica-it has been a year of more then I have ever expected. Recently, my thoughts have been focusing on "not knowing the sweet, without tasting the bitter." This year brought about a lot of change and with that change came a lot of bitter, but I've found that the bitter moments have been outweighed completely by the sweet moments.

The day I moved in with Jessica, I cried-bawled actually. I had prayed about the decision and I knew it was right, but I couldn't shake the feeling that it was going to ruin our friendship. At that time, the loss of a friendship was not something I could bare to imagine-I was currently losing a friend, someone I thought was a best friend, and it was painful. Shortly after moving in the aforementioned friendship ended and then over the next few months, I made other mistakes, chose other paths that were not right for me, which made my life more difficult. But along the way, I noticed that something within me was starting to break lose-I was remembering that I know how to survive and to really CHANGE. So I started focusing less on the pain and started working towards healing myself and improving.

This year of living with Jessica has been the best of my roommate experiences. Jessica and I are still friends-best friends. And my life is so much better because of who she is-because of how she challenges me and because she is invested in me (as much as I am invested in her). I know that change is difficult and I know that moving on is hard (especially for me), but I am so glad that I listened to the answer to my prayer-because Heavenly Father knew what was best and he knew I needed to taste bitter, to recognize and love the sweet.

About faith, blessings, and gratitude:

I have noticed that over the years, my relationship with my Heavenly Father has become so much more then I ever imagined possible. This latest accomplishment of being offered a residency position at UT-SA has been a defining moment in my relationship with my Father in Heaven. Going into the process, I prepared myself the best I could-I did all that was required of me and then I took it to the Lord. I knelt in prayer and said, "I've done all I can, now please take control and whatever may come, I'll accept the decision." I spent time in the temple, conversing with Him and listening. I devoted myself to scripture study and more meaningful prayer. And just when I was starting to second guess myself and the choice ahead of me, sweet reminders of Heavenly Father's grace entered my mind. I was reminded of blessings I had received, reminded that people were praying for me and rooting for me, and reminded that Heavenly Father always provides what is best for us.

I am so grateful for this blessing in my life. It has strengthened my faith in the Lord and equipped me with more then I ever imagined. I'm proud of myself-because I put something to the test and it worked. I am grateful that I learned more about relying on our Father in Heaven. I am grateful for all my friends and family who prayed for me, who were rooting for me, and for those who reminded me I could do this along the way.

About basketball:

I love basketball. I do. I have never been very good at sports-but basketball is different for me. Basketball has become more about the team and about the friends I make. Last night, basketball hit a new high that I have never reached before. I am so proud of the way my team played last night: we played as a team, we communicated, we played hard and aggressive, and we had fun. That is what basketball is about for me. Its not about winning or losing. Its about teamwork and sportsmanship.

But just so you know...we totally won! And it was Awesome.

About this song:

One and Only

I love it. And this is how I feel right now.