I'll Make You Fall in Love with Me!

I'm really struggling with this rotation-it shouldn't matter. Technically I am done with pharmacy school, I completed the required 8 rotations and I passed them-so I'm done. But the over-achiever in me decided 9 rotations would be smart and would teach me a lot. Not this one. My preceptor makes me feel dumb and there is an obvious difference in the way he treats me compared to the other students. I feel like I can't get it right and I feel stupid-neither of which make me feel good. So today, after working 3 12-hour shifts, I finally lost it. I started crying in the pharmacy when I heard my preceptor praise one of the other students. Nobody noticed my crying, which was great cause I hate crying in front of people: HATE IT.

So I told Holly, my roommate, that I wanted to go out for a nice dinner tonight and just let the day/feelings fall away. Instead of walking home with the others, I walked alone and called my Grandma so that I could have a moment. I love talking to my Grandma-she just lets me cry it out and say ridiculous things that I don't really mean just so I can get them out. Tonight, she told me she was going to bake pies for me to throw in people's faces! (Best Grandma EVER-and no I will not share!)

I am ridiculously homesick. I'm tired of feeling so stupid every day, tired of feeling like my preceptor hates me. And I want certain people to call...to say they miss me...because I am a girl and those things are important to me. So once I got home I had a nice cry about all the things that are bothering me and then I washed my face and headed out for what I thought was going to be a mundane night; boy was I wrong!

So halfway into Farmington (our closest town) I get pulled over. My brain is absolutely screaming because my points are high for the first time ever and I'm afraid I am going to lose my license. Come to find out my headlight was burnt out. So we made a detour to an auto store to avoid further police encounters. This is where I met my new best friend/boyfriend Taylor. I walk into this store, march up to the counter and state, "Look-I'm a not so car smart girl who needs a light for my car. Can you help?" From here I entered into an Amber who I really like and would like to come out more often. I made jokes, I made people laugh really hard, and I made a boy totally fall all over himself for me. Seriously, Taylor fixed my light, my windshield wipers, and pretty much asked for my number. Best part about Taylor, he was from Ireland-had a wicked little accent and GORGEOUS blue-green eyes. Worst part-he was 19.

The whole experience just got me thinking. Why doesn't that Amber come out more often? Why can't I be carefree and silly like that more often? I'm not asking to get rid of my responsible side-I just want to balance the two and not be so serious. I constantly have my rational, responsible side on hyperdrive and in the back of my mind I hear my mom say to me, "Relax, you are to darn serious." I know what made me this way, but I wonder if its possible to create a Me that is more lighthearted, more fun, more loveable-less stressed, less obsessive, less controlling. I need to be a Me that makes boys fall over themselves more often-and Taylor, you can have my number anytime you want! ;)