"Please do not be cynical. I hate cynicism, its my least favorite quality and it doesn't lead anywhere. Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get, but if you work really hard and you're kind, amazing things will happen" -Conan

This weekend finally provided some opportunity to "Be Still". For me, at least this weekend, it meant to finally peel back the layers of my heartache which is always there under the surface. I guess you could say the bandaid that I had over my bleeding heart was torn off during Christmas break. A simple mistake, a reach out, brought me face to face with the man who finally decided that he just couldn't commit to me (only to commit to someone else a month later).

He showed up at my Grandma's house and tried to act as though we were ok- as though nothing had to change. He held my hand, placed his hand on my knee while playing games, pulled me close on the couch, and hugged me as though he would never let go. All those things that make me senseless-all the things that make me fall back in love with him all over again.

But I can't be in love with him. He isn't my person and sadly, he never will be. (Someday I know that I won't say sadly anymore-someday my heart will accept that this is how it is) I watched an episode of Bones last night and it brought me to tears. (odd isn't it? that a silly show I love will finally allow me to cry some of the emotions out) Anyways, this is what was said:

Hodgins runs to Sweets to vent "You’re right, Sweets, everything is NOT fine,” Hodgins yells. “I don’t know if I want to climb into a hole and die or run over Wendell and Angela with a truck.” (In regards to his ex) Sweets: “I don’t think you’re jealous. I think you’re grieving what you lost...You know, grief heals with time."

Logically I know that...I've been dealing with the grief of my Grandma's death for almost two years now. But somehow I just haven't accepted this yet, somehow I refuse to accept this as the end of "us", how can I when he floats back in and acts the same way? It's time to cut him out-and that is okay-but it just means changing myself. There is a lot to change already, my life is about to take a sharp turn, a 180 from the place I have been for almost seven years, and I am just not ready. And if I put it honestly, I'm terrified to take this turn alone. Sure I have my friends (who are angels sent from Heaven) but its just not the same as having that person who walks beside you and holds your hand through it all.

I am okay. I am. I accept my position and I know I will survive-its what I do best. I just need to let it out in small pieces, like my motto says, I need to be still and I will know the right thing to do and Heavenly Father will be there with arms open to comfort me through all this pain.

So if you look at the title of my blog it has changed! That's because I finally picked my theme for the year. My theme last year was "Come What May and Love It" and it was perfect. I was so blessed by the commitment to accept things as they are, especially with my family and friends. I also learned a lot about the atonement through this theme.

So after a long wrestle with myself, I finally decided that "Peace Be Still" was the theme I need this year. First because the outside world is chaotic, and if I don't take the time to be still I will miss out on Heavenly Father's promptings and the time to know God.

The second is similar to last year's theme, with a new spin of course. When trials come, when things get tough, I have the tendency to have a little freak out. So hopefully, this year's theme will help me to take a moment to pause before things get rough.

Wish me luck!

AH!!! Guess who is almost back in Richmond! Man I love my family and I am so glad I got to visit for so long...but I am so ready to sleep in my own bed (for the last time until April). I have so much to pack to prepare for my move tomorrow afternoon...but before I do anything this girl is taking a nap in her bed with her baby who probably thinks she was abandoned since I have been gone for over a month!

Hello Richmond! Goodbye family and friends and the West! (tear)

I'm discombobulated. I'm so confused. I can't separate my head from my heart. Why is it so easy to let him in and so painful to relive all these feelings?

I just wish I could let him go for good. Or let go of the feelings if I can't let go of him.