This weekend finally provided some opportunity to "Be Still". For me, at least this weekend, it meant to finally peel back the layers of my heartache which is always there under the surface. I guess you could say the bandaid that I had over my bleeding heart was torn off during Christmas break. A simple mistake, a reach out, brought me face to face with the man who finally decided that he just couldn't commit to me (only to commit to someone else a month later).

He showed up at my Grandma's house and tried to act as though we were ok- as though nothing had to change. He held my hand, placed his hand on my knee while playing games, pulled me close on the couch, and hugged me as though he would never let go. All those things that make me senseless-all the things that make me fall back in love with him all over again.

But I can't be in love with him. He isn't my person and sadly, he never will be. (Someday I know that I won't say sadly anymore-someday my heart will accept that this is how it is) I watched an episode of Bones last night and it brought me to tears. (odd isn't it? that a silly show I love will finally allow me to cry some of the emotions out) Anyways, this is what was said:

Hodgins runs to Sweets to vent "You’re right, Sweets, everything is NOT fine,” Hodgins yells. “I don’t know if I want to climb into a hole and die or run over Wendell and Angela with a truck.” (In regards to his ex) Sweets: “I don’t think you’re jealous. I think you’re grieving what you lost...You know, grief heals with time."

Logically I know that...I've been dealing with the grief of my Grandma's death for almost two years now. But somehow I just haven't accepted this yet, somehow I refuse to accept this as the end of "us", how can I when he floats back in and acts the same way? It's time to cut him out-and that is okay-but it just means changing myself. There is a lot to change already, my life is about to take a sharp turn, a 180 from the place I have been for almost seven years, and I am just not ready. And if I put it honestly, I'm terrified to take this turn alone. Sure I have my friends (who are angels sent from Heaven) but its just not the same as having that person who walks beside you and holds your hand through it all.

I am okay. I am. I accept my position and I know I will survive-its what I do best. I just need to let it out in small pieces, like my motto says, I need to be still and I will know the right thing to do and Heavenly Father will be there with arms open to comfort me through all this pain.