Oh this journey of mine! And the lessons I have to learn-I make them so very difficult at times. I have really been focusing on the goodness of God recently-on his perfect nature and I wanted to share some thoughts I've had-hope you don't mind.
On Sunday, I bore my testimony about how perfect God is-how he is constantly reaching out to us and waiting for us to turn towards him. I talked about how our experiences in the world may taint our understanding of God, because the world doesn't often give you multiple chances to correct and repair. But God always gives us chances-over and over again. Even if it is the same thing-his mercy is endless if we but try to turn back.
So in my noon institute class yesterday, my friend said that the process of being converted (or spiritually born again) is separate from being perfect. We often make the mistake of expecting ourselves to be perfect and the adversary entices us to believe that we are not converted because we are not perfect. My brain only expounded further with this thought because of my own personal study and another institute class last night. Here is more of what I've come to learn/understand-my lack of being perfect does not strip away the blessings God has for me. (Again, there may be two roads, but the same blessings are available as long as I turn to God).
Using the Prophet Joseph Smith as an example, we can really see just how the Lord extends mercy and how he is perfect in His knowledge. Joseph fears Martin Harris more then God and repeatedly asks if Martin can show others the work they have already translated. The Lord, finally agrees and Martin loses the 116 pages. Joseph is distraught. And the Lord is upset-because Joseph tempted God and feared man more. The Lord takes away Joseph's ability to translate-but this isn't a punishment without blessing. Because in this punishment, the Lord is trying to teach Joseph. After being without the plates for a while, the Lord returns them and teaches Joseph that he should have feared God more. After this revelation, God takes away the plates again. Allowing Joseph time to understand the lesson-to soak it in and change his nature. (This change is not something that can be surface level, it must be deep). The Lord gives Joseph the plates again (once the soaking has completed) and explains (in a complete sense of mercy) that He knew what would happen, that those pages would be lost, and that all would be well-because he had accounted for it. Thus, Joseph learns another principle about God-that he has infinite wisdom and everything is done for the benefit of mankind.
These patterns continue throughout Joseph's ministry-because even though he was a prophet of God, he was also a fallen man and needed to be changed line upon line, precept upon precept.
These things I learned in this study, helped me in my own life. Because recently, I have felt myself telling God how it will be. Instead of asking, I have stated this is what's going to happen. It has been a huge source of unrecognized pride. And that pride has now spilled over into other areas of my life and I am feeling the confusion of it all building up now. Its obviously very personal to share these thoughts and experiences here and I feel raw and exposed. But sometimes shining light on our weaknesses, helps us to face them better. My recent battle with this unrecognized pride has influenced my perceptions of things and of people. I've made countless mistakes and I've taken to long to decide what/how I feel. And as this prideful state has come to recognition, I find myself wishing for those second or third chances but feeling as though I don't deserve, nor will I get a second or third chance. And that thinking will do no good-because it negatively influences my opinion that God will give me (or any of us) a second or third or a 1 millionth chance.
'God is willing to bless us. Regardless of what we may do today, tomorrow, or the next day. That is the nature of God-he doesn't withhold love or blessings because he knows we will be imperfect (and expects us to be imperfect as fallen men).'
And as I hope and pray that others will forgive me and treat me the way God does-I also recognize my own need to treat others with that same mercy and compassion. We are all fallen. We are all fighting a natural man. And so it is only right to understand that people will make mistakes, that people will let us down, that we will let ourselves down. But if we get back up, if we continually try to be better (with persistence and patience) we will find that we are truly converted and that we are slowly becoming perfected through the process of life.
So if you are reading this and I have let you down, or someone else has let you down, remember that we are all imperfect on the road to perfection. And know that I (and others to) want to correct these mistakes and would like a second chance if you can handle it-we want to be better and improve. But its a process. Just like becoming perfected. It requires time to soak and time to change. So be gentle with others. Be gentle with yourself. And know that God is always waiting to bless you completely. 'Surely the thing God enjoys most about being God, is the ability to be merciful.'
"Christ says give me it all. I don't want so much of your time or so much of your money of so much of your work- I want you. I have not come to torment your natural self, but to kill it. No half measures are any good. I don't want to cut off a branch here and there- I want the tree down. I don't want to drill the tooth or crown it or stop it- I want it out. Hand over your whole natural self, all your desires, the ones that you think are innocent as well as the ones you think are wicked. You give me the whole outfit and I will give you a new self. In fact, I will give you myself, and my will shall become your will...
He said that a thistle cannot produce figs. If I'm a field that contains grass seed I cannot produce wheat. Cutting the grass may keep it short, but it shall still produce grass and never wheat. If I want to produce wheat the change must go far deeper than the surface. It must be plowed up and re-sown. It is the difference between paint, which is simply on the surface, or a dye that soaks right through.
He never talked about it vaguely. He said "Be perfect", and he meant it. He meant that we must go in for the full treatment. See, I have chosen you, you have not chosen me. You come to this on my terms and I want you for the full treatment. Now that's hard. The sort of compromise that we are hankering after is harder still, in fact, it's impossible.
It may be hard for an egg to turn into a bird, but it's a jolly slight bit harder for an egg to learn to fly. We are like eggs at present, but you cannot go on indefinitely being just an ordinary decent egg. Someday you will either hatch or go bad.....it may be hard for an egg to become a bird, but it's impossible for an egg to fly."
