Merciful Heavenly Father

Sometimes I wonder if I will ever get it right. I told my Bishop today (whom I love) that I feel like I'll never get it right-his response made me cry (and he cried to). 'Amber, you are good. You are trying to give your will to God. And you don't have to run faster then you are meant to-you are meant to make mistakes, we all are. So be kind to yourself.'

Be Kind. Be Forgiving. Become Like God.

That was the pattern we learned last week in institute from Jeffery R. Holland's talk (April 2012). And as I've reflected on the state of my heart the past few weeks, I've been ever so grateful that Heavenly Father is merciful. That He is kind and forgiving-especially to me.

I've felt this free falling sensation for almost 2 months now and I don't like it one bit. Every time I think I have a situation, or a person, figured out-I find out that I was completely wrong. That my perceptions were off. And most importantly, that I'm just going to keep free falling without any control. But maybe that is the point. Maybe what I am to learn at this stage in the game is that Heavenly Father holds all the tricks, not me. But I'm stubborn and I'm ridiculously impatient (with myself, with others, and sometimes with Heavenly Father-especially recently). And this weakness of mine leads to trouble when I stop believing the promises God has made to me and start believing the enticings of the adversary. Because of all this and more, this 'free falling' stage just seems to be prolonged. And at times, I find myself fearing that I just won't figure it out or that blessings will be withheld because I didn't get it right the first time.

More wisdom from my beloved bishop: 'Amber, sometimes in life there are really two branches to a path. We may take one or the other. One may be longer, the other shorter. But no matter what branch we take, God will NEVER withhold blessings. At some point on either path, the exact same blessings would be given. If you are meant to have something and you do the best you possibly can (and even when you don't) God still intends to bless you. Because He is merciful. And because he loves you. All children falter, all children willfully disobey-and all parents want to give them everything they can and more.'

So as I sat here tonight, processing my thoughts and feelings about so many matters (my career, my next few months, my family, my perceived missed chance with someone, etc.) I decided to share the one thing that I've found true in all of these jumbled thoughts (and thanks to a Christmas gift from my person). That one thing is this:

God is merciful. That is an eternal truth. And because of that eternal truth we can have HOPE. Hope that we will make it through this trial and the next. Hope that all those blessings will be fulfilled in their proper time and season. Hope that brings peace.

Hope is the anchor of our souls. I know of no one who is not in need of hope—young or old, strong or weak, rich or poor. As the prophet Ether exhorted, “Wherefore, whoso believeth in God might with surety hope for a better world, yea, even a place at the right hand of God, which hope cometh of faith, maketh an anchor to the souls of men, which would make them sure and steadfast, always abounding in good works, being led to glorify God...Everybody in this life has their challenges and difficulties. That is part of our mortal test. The reason for some of these trials cannot be readily understood except on the basis of faith and hope because there is often a larger purpose which we do not always understand. Peace comes through hope.”-James E. Faust