However Long and Hard the Road

It has been a whirlwind of a week and despite my best efforts I have found myself weary and wounded. Please do not misunderstand my words, I have been continually blessed by my loving Father in Heaven and working hard towards improving myself. However, following the words of Brigham Young, "We never begin to build any temple without the bells of hell beginning to ring."

The adversary is cunning, and although he does not know my internal thoughts, he knows how to wear me down with self doubt and the fear of the unknown. And this week, the weight of that self doubt and the stress of planning for a future I have no control over has beat upon my shoulders. It doesn't help that my self doubt is the loudest voice in the room. I trust in my Father in Heaven, but I have a hard time trusting myself-which just seems wrong.

But then comes Sunday-Sweet Sunday. That fills up my heart with peace and love. And the tender mercies of the Lord bear down all around me. And for one day I gain respite from my self. I read this today as I finished Jeffery Holland's book, However Hard and Long the Road:

"The best things are always worth finishing. 'Know ye not that ye are the temple of God?'(1 Cor 3:16.) Most assuredly we are. As long and laborious as the effort may seem, we must keep shaping and setting the stones that will make our accomplishments 'a grand and imposing spectacle.' We must take advantage of every opportunity to learn and grow, dream dreams and see visions, work towards their realization, wait patiently when we have no other choice, lean on our sword and rest a while, but get up and fight again...Our life must be a 'monument to Mormon perserverance,' however long and hard the road."

I'm still terrified of the next few weeks-of performing well on my interviews, of opening my heart wide, of growing and dreaming, of becoming me. But I know that I am not really alone, as much as the adversary tries to make me feel that way. And ultimately, I know myself enough to know that in the end I will make it, however long and hard the road.

The tender mercies of the Lord are ALWAYS there if you look close enough

My life is not perfect, but I have felt my Savior's love in triple-fold this week. I have been so blessed and cannot express enough gratitude for the gifts I have been given.

Yesterday I went to the temple with Jessica and the Willis' and it was amazing as always. In the celestial room I leaned over to Jessica as tears were streaming down my face and I said, "If this is what Heaven is like, I'm never going to stop crying." The temple does that to me, it just overwhelms my soul; my heart fills up and I can't stop the tears from flowing. It is in these most precious moments, that I know the truth in its most simplistic form. It is something pure and bright and my heart knows it's true place in this world.

My thoughts yesterday in the temple consisted of: making the right choice for my residency (which I now have 4 interviews out of 8!), searching for inspiration about my brothers and how I can help them make better choices in their lives, and seeking guidance about how to love someone who needs love and comfort but refuses to accept it from anyone. While pondering and praying on these matters, I had the overwhelming desire to just ask Heavenly Father to say hello to my Grandma June for me. (I have thought so much about her over the last few months) Very softly, but surely I felt my Grandma there and I was yet again grateful for the tender mercy of my Father in Heaven.

I know that God has his arms outstretched to all of us and that if we just TRY to turn to him and live his word he will bless us more then we have ever imagined. It is my testimony that he loves us and that although the road may be difficult at times, he never leaves us alone.

I am so blessed.

Heavenly Father amazes me constantly.

2/8 schools have contacted me and the ones that have are ones that I never thought in a million years would pick me! I am so grateful for this time in my life. It is stressful, not knowing exactly what will happen, but it is so exciting to think of all the possibilities ahead of me! And just think! I am done in 13 weeks!!

Tonight, I am making the choice to give the benefit of the doubt.

Tonight, I am making the choice to forgive and forget (heavy emphasis on the forgetting).

Tonight, I am choosing to be grateful for friends who would drop everything to come in my moment of need (Thank you Stephy...even though you didn't make it to my house, the fact that you were in your car was enough for me)

Tonight, I am grateful for a Heavenly Father who hears even the simplest of prayers and answers them; especially the prayers for finding lost kittens.

Unveiling of the new theme!!!

I have spent several weeks now preparing for my theme of the new year. It has taken a lot of introspection, prayer, and thought to narrow down my focus and ideas to something that was feasible and that would inspire growth.

My theme focuses on three talks from conference:

1st: "Of Things that Matter Most"-President Dieter F. Uchtdorf

2nd: "Agency: Essential to the Plan of Life"-Elder Robert D. Hales

3rd: "Faith-the Choice is Yours"-Bishop Richard C. Edgley

First, I loved how President Uchtdorf's talk counseled us to, "slow down a little, steady the course, and focus on the essentials..." With all the changes my life is about to undertake, I really believe that if I choose to focus on the basic things and 'resist the temptation to get caught up in the frantic rush of everyday life', my life will be enriched. "There is a beauty and clarity that comes from simplicity." I think returning to the basics and improving key relationships in my life is essential to my progression over the next year.

Second, I found such beauty in the promise from Elder Hales talk. "Making the same choice to follow the Savior now, while we are here on earth, we will obtain even greater blessing in the eternities...We must continue to choose to follow the Savior. Eternity is at stake, and our wise use of agency and our actions are essential that we might have eternal life." I already chose once, we all did, and while I am on this earth I want to show that I am choosing the Lord's plan in every opportunity. "Agency is the ability and privilege God gives us to choose and to act for ourselves and not be acted upon."

Finally, the choice is mine. "We can still choose how we react to the world. When our sacred doctrine and beliefs are challenged, this is our opportunity to become acquainted with God in a most private and intimate manner. This is our opportunity to choose."

So my theme for the year: The Choices I Make

1. Make the choice to simplify my life

I want to return back to the basics and focus on key relationships in my life. I want to understand the basics of the gospel, to focus on the simplistic things of prayer and scripture reading. I want to de-clutter the stuff in my life (both temporally and worldly). I want to improve my relationship with my Savior and with myself in order to better my relationships with my family and others. This also includes simplifying my budget (and amount of money spent on needless things.)

2. Make the choice to act and not be acted upon

I want to deepen my trust in the Lord. I don't want fear to control my actions and my faith. I want to chose happiness and light in my life instead of stress and sorrow. I want to make substantial choices to do what is right.

3. Make the choice to be healthy

This is always a struggle. But I am slowly getting better, so this year it is my goal to make smaller goals for each month and hopefully by the end of the year accomplish something positive.

4. Make the choice to be productive

I am making the goal to find more productive ways to use my time. Whether writing letters to loved ones, serving others, or taking time to accomplish important goals this year is about choosing to be better. Reading books, learning new things, climbing, whatever it takes to become a more well rounded person!

Elder Richard G. Scott said, "We become what we want to be by consistently being what we want to become each day." This is my ultimate goal with my theme this year, to become what I want to be by making the choice to be what I want to become.

The Last Year in Review

I have spent a lot of time reflecting and reviewing the past year and the things I have accomplished with my theme of 'Peace Be Still'. I honestly believe that my past themes have really cultivated a change within my heart and have helped me to search for better things in my life. Two years ago I chose the theme 'Come What May'. With that theme I was able to prepare to take out my endowments and deal with multiple changes along the way.

In picking my theme for this last year, I knew that I wanted to find peace in the drama and chaos of my life. I am an emotional person. More often then not I will react with emotions first, then re-evaluate the situation and act more rationally. (Just ask Jesse about my emotional break downs...thank heaven for such a good friend who can handle it when a girl cries). This past year has been topsy turvy and I have really tried to find peace in my response. But what I found was even better. I still struggle with acting emotionally, but in my quest I found that leaning upon my Heavenly Father may not reduce my emotions or the chaos in my life, but it does provide strength and a deep comfort. This past year tested my wits, my faith in myself, and my ability to rise above error and find peace in the Atonement of Christ. I tried and tested myself, let go of unnecessary grief, and I held onto friendships that uplift and strengthen me daily.

Throughout it all, my faith has been reinforced and I am so grateful for a Heavenly Father who knows me individually and provides such personal comfort in times of need. The tender mercies of the Lord reinforce the truth of the gospel to me daily and help me strive to reach deeper into myself to serve others. I am grateful for the gift I was given this year, to learn of my true heart and the things that I am required to give. I know this church is true, know it to the core of my body and my heart swells with the presence of the Spirit. My theme for next year (which will be my next post) will hopefully help me to be better at declaring the gospel and serving others over the next year!

My year in pictures: