Little Fish, Big (HUGE) Pond

***Disclaimer, this post may come off as self-pity. It is not meant to sound that way. I am just trying to write out my thoughts, because I am struggling with being able to actually talk to any of my 'safe' people about how I really feel and what is going on in my life. Writing is therapeutic for me and I need to let these emotions flow-I have held it together for weeks now, but I need to finally let myself 'feel'.

I've been in Texas for almost two weeks now and I can attest to a few things. First, the skies really are bigger here and they are so blue that it takes my breath away. And I learned quickly that we are really close to the sun, so you must always wear sunscreen (even if you are only going outside for an hour-if you don't you will become a lobster) Second, people here are all about food. Seriously! Its this restaurant and that restaurant and not that restaurant. It cracks me up. I've also learned that Texas is going to take some time to grow into-because as they say, 'Everything Really is Bigger in Texas'-except for me that is...

I've been reflecting a lot on my life and who I have become throughout the years. In high school I felt like I didn't fit in, like I was being held back from my potential, and what I could do. Basically, I was a big fish in a little pond. Then I moved to Virginia. I remember that first week with such clarity. It was an experience all in its own-everything seemed brighter and more possible. I was no longer a big fish, I had transformed to a smaller fish in a manageable pond. And over time I grew into who I wanted to become. I've been working so hard at being confident in myself and knowing what I believe and I know that I have come such a long way. But here in Texas it is different. I am no longer the right size for the pond. Here, I am so very tiny and small and the pond is huge.

Its very daunting and every day I feel like I am running to keep up with a group who is walking. And every day I feel myself being pushed closer to the line of 'I can't do this'. There are moments when all I want to do is throw in the towel, to go back home to Virginia where I fit in and ultimately was safe. The stress of my financial situation alone is suffocating (in all my years as a student, my bank account was never this empty and I feel as though I have exhausted all my options for help). I fall asleep only to dream of bills and the cost of living right now. I wake up absolutely exhausted and feeling more stressed then before I went to sleep.

I'm so ridiculously homesick for Jessica, for Stephanie, for Chantal, and for so many others. Every night I walk into my apartment hoping Jessica will be there to greet me with a side hug or even attitude (seriously, I miss the attitude). The tears came before I left-but the ache in my heart came just this week. I'm trying to make new friends but it hasn't been easy and I worry that I might be the cause (how do you find friends that can match what I have had? especially when they have been everything to me for so long).

And I write all this out with this small desire to really just give up and give in-to call the game and go home. But that desire doesn't touch my knowledge that Heavenly Father wants me here and that there is something to be learned from all these struggles. In all my stress and sorrow, I have leaned on the Lord (ultimately, I've been carried through). And every time I get to the point of quitting, I am blessed with a tender mercy that is so personal and so exact that I am renewed to keep going one more day. I know that joy will come and I know that things will be okay-I know it with such a force that it keeps me driving forward. I am so grateful that my gift in this life is unwavering faith and knowledge. I may not struggle or stress beautifully or gracefully like some people-but it can never be said that I ever quit. I can't. My testimony won't let me.

So I guess for now, I'll continue to be a little fish and I'll keep swimming, keep growing, and keep leaning on my Savior for strength.