What Am I to Change?

Yesterday, Jessica and I sat in the car having a heart to heart about where we stand right now in our lives. Let me first start by saying that I am so grateful for a friend like her. Jessica is a rare person and an amazing friend. Although she yelled at me a few times yesterday, her frustration was out of a deep love for me. Its a tender mercy from the Lord to have a friend who can see all your faults, see that you are on a path to destruction, and still love you enough to fight for your safety-loves you enough to threaten harm on others, just to keep you safe. I can't begin to tell you how important that type of friend is right now (and always)

I spent the drive back to Harrisonburg in deep contemplation of the things we had discussed in that car. I spoke with my Father in Heaven and asked him to help me to tear down this broken foundation and start fresh. I really admire Jessica (and the strength she had to act upon the promptings she had, despite how hard it was for her). I am drawing complete strength from her actions and the spirit today as I prepare myself to do the same thing tonight.

The spirit has been speaking loudly and very clearly for a while now-and true to the natural man, I have ignored it and acted like I've been left in the dark. But that is anything but true; the truth is, I knew what the right thing was and I openly rebelled against it because I wanted more instantaneous happiness, instead of the appropriate joy that comes from a righteous life. But it is not something I can ignore anymore-because my ultimate happiness is on the line. It may seem dramatic to those of you who read this because I am being very vague; but I can assure you, a life spent searching after the acceptance and approval of man is not a life of happiness. The silken thread that entices us to sin, when given the chance, will become the anchor that drags us down to hell.

I am choosing not to be bound anymore. I am choosing to forsake my current choices and desires, to protect me. In Elder James B. Martino's conference talk, he states "A small amount of pain now will protect them from possible pain and suffering in the future. Our Father in Heaven knows the end from the beginning. We need to follow the example of the Savior and trust in Him." Later in the talk, he gives us advice to get through trials-he asks us to consider "What Am I to Change" when a trial arises.

After hours of heartfelt prayer, after weeks and months of anguish, I now know what I need to change. And although it will be difficult, I know that it is the only way that I will ever truly move forward and progress to a stronger testimony. In a sense, it is the only way that I will ever be able to learn, "Peace Be Still". In a talk by Sister Nelson, she relates a story of how sometimes in life we have to cut away more, even after we have started to piece things back together. So it is with many of us when we look at our current states. Despite that I have made every effort to move forward, I can't move forward without going back and cutting out some very large parts. I don't know much, but I know enough to know that I want peace and joy in my life-and I know where to start to find them.

Like Jessica said, "Life is hard, no matter where you stand. There are going to be the ups and downs, the big disappointments and the little pricks of pain versus the big joys and the tiny happy moments scattered throughout. But I know that everything we experience is ultimately for our good."