I expected a backlash to come...I prepared myself mentally...I set up safe reminders to know that I did the right thing. And when the backlash didnt come, I started to release the breath I'd been holding for so long.

That was a mistake.

I should have kept holding my breath. I should have kept myself prepared. Because over the last three days the backlash keeps coming. And its not one simple hit and then its over. No instead it feels like I am tied to two posts and I am being hit from every side. Everytime I start to breath a little lighter...I get slapped back down.

This is what I do know: 8 days ago I made a choice. A choice that had to be made by someone who was willing to face facts. There was something seriously wrong with my roommate. She did not just get a taste of the Holy Spirit...she was not touched by God...she had a manic break down. She went crazy. Despite what anyone tells you, she was mentally ill. So I took the hardest road. I made this decision to take care of her because I loved her. Because I've considered her extended family for these past six years. I've already wrote about how hard this decision was. I've already exhausted those emotions. But now I get a whole new set. Now instead of trying to be concerned with her well being, I've had to make the choice to put me and my future first.

And that choice has now earned me names such as: an overbearing wench, a selfish brat, a person who doesn't have anyone's best interests at heart, an evil whore, and who knows what else.

I'm trying to take this all in stride. I realize that she still isn't in her best frame of mind. I realize that her life is going to be difficult now. I realize that she has a lot to face; a lot of battles to fight. But I cannot be the person to fight them with her at the expense of my schooling and my own life.

And if that makes me selfish, then so be it.


*****
I just read my scriptures and then opened this book I've been slowly reading (its entitled: Better Than You Think You Are-by Ardeth G. Kapp)

There was this quote and it just moved me:
"If we are to be tried in all things, should we not expect some feelings of anxiety when we feel pushed and rushed, with not enough time to do it all?....We must never succumb to the enticings of the adversary to question our worth, our capability, our capacity, and the resources available to us to pass all the tests that really matter. In fact, We can even pass with honors if we will call upon the Lord for help and follow his directions."

People keep saying I am a good friend. And I know that they mean well...but if one more person tells me that I did the right thing or that I am a good friend...I swear I will scream.

This isn't about being a good friend. Because I didn't do it to be a good friend. I did it because it was the only thing I could do.

I've never been so exhausted in my life. This is more then just working hard or studying for days-this is I've got nothing left to give exhaustion. I feel my body moving, but my head is nowhere to be found.

And I'm not a good friend. Because I'm playing all these what-if scenarios in my head. I'm honestly scared for when she comes home. Even if she's better, there will always be what if...
I love her so much...but I cant carry this load for ever. I know I sound selfish and unkind. That's not where I am coming from. I just cannot do this forever. I don't even think I can get through the next few days doing this...I'm barely holding it together as it is.

I don't even know where to begin. I don't even have the words to describe the madness that occurred in my life this past week. But writing it out is my therapy and despite the fact that there are so many concerned people, I don't really want to talk to any of them because I feel like they don't really understand the awful choice I had to make.

I dont really want to go into specifics, but maybe I should? I'm not really sure.

Here is what I do know: Since Monday, my roommate of 6 years (and one of my closest girlfriends) has had erratic behavior. She stopped sleeping, started spewing out words that she considered God's commandments, and became all around a different person. I started growing concerned on Thursday night when I realized she was still not sleeping (and also after she came home and informed me and my other roommate that we are evil and that our 'church' has God's power, but needs to come closer to God). By Friday night, people were texting me at work and it was obvious everyone was concerned.

So I stepped up. I called a crisis hotline. I acted and I got information. I came home prepared and ready to get her to go to a hospital. Because that is what I do...in a crisis I act. I pick up pieces and I put things back together. And when I got home, I knew that I was going to face opposition from her. What I didnt expect was another close friend of hers to tell me that I was wrong...that I was actually doing harm to my roommate...that it would be okay if she did die because at least she'd be with God. (I wish I was making this up-no actually I dont because the truth is this is much more ugly then I can begin to describe) I felt myself on a slipery slope and I knew that I was not going to get her to agree to go to the hospital. So I left.

At 4 in the morning I get a phone call from the close friend mentioned above. "Amber, I was wrong. She needs help. She really is going through something."---uh...DUH. Isnt that what I said all along. So I again jumped into action. I went looking for her. I find her...on our balcony in a sleeping bag. By this time it was obvious she was in a full blown Manic state. So yet again I swing into action and convince her its time to go. I get her to the emergency room and I continue to act. I do what it takes to keep her safe, because despite the fact that there are other people in the room that care about her-I know her. I know her fear, I know what needs to be done but cannot be said aloud. So I sign the papers. I signed the papers that had her committed to the psych ward. I made her worst fear come true....I took action to protect her from becoming like her mother.

And while everyone around me broke down, I held it together to keep her together. I was with her when they took her to that awful place. I held her and helped her to focus when she realized that her worst fear had just come true. I carried the burden that she needed me to carry.

I dont write this to make people feel sorry for me. I dont write this to have people look to me and say what a good friend. I am writing to help myself process, to help myself understand. Because even though in the end I made the right decision, the fight to get everyone else to let me do what was neccessary and the signing of those dreaded papers has broken my heart.

My only comfort is gratitude for my Heavenly Father and knowledge of the atonement. The fact that I can cling tight to the atonement and that my load will be lightened. The fact that for some reason I was given broad shoulders to carry the heavier loads and although I may not understand it all the time and although it is almost never easy, in the end I am only being molded into what I am supposed to become.

I'm disconnected.
I'm frazzled.
I'm hurt.
I'm tired.
I'm trying to improve.
I'm falling flat on my face.
I'm trying to figure out who I am and I feel like I am failing miserably.
I love.
I love more then I know what to do with.
And for the past three months I have ached every time I think of what might have been.
I'm walking on this road of faith and it's not easy.

But in the end...I know it is worth it...So I've got to give faith a fighting chance.

Its my Birthday! *dance dance dance*

I have been so busy that I havent updated yet! But I will. I have lots of fun pictures from spring break and lots has been happening spiritually lately! I'm excited to post...but school is back in full swing and we have exams every week for the next three weeks...ACK!

I'll try to post conference weekend!


***This is what my grandfather sent to me today...How lucky am I?

"Miss Amber,

How lucky can I be to have you as my Grand Daughter? VERY LUCKY!

Love,

Papa Bear"

SPRING BREAK

I did it! I made it to spring break!! I am leaving on a jet plane tomorrow to spend 5 days with my bestest friend in the whole wide world! I cannot wait!

And I am going to read five books over the next nine days! WHEE!!!

I'm still reading my conference talks and they are so profound. I wish I would have started this sooner.
The past couple of weeks I have really been struggling. There has been a lot of things going on in my family that I haven't been able to deal with. First because I don't really want anyone to know, second because I haven't really had the time, and third because sometimes I just get tired of dealing with all the craziness that occurs in my family. (Don't get me wrong-I love them all, so much that sometimes it suffocates me) Add into the mix the stress of leaving the branch (which honestly was really hard for me to do) and the stress of school-I somehow became this faucet that could cry with a single turn....it was awful. So anyways, after a long week of school and work, I woke up Saturday to a rainy day.

I love rainy days...they are my mental health days. I allow myself rainy days to stay in bed and cuddle with a great book. This is of course exactly what I did Saturday-even though I knew I needed to study. I just couldn't bring myself to do anything...I've titled it my Mental Health day! :)

So then on Sunday, I had one of the most spiritual Sunday's I've had in a while. I went to the branch to bear my testimony for the last time in the foreseeable future and then I went to the single's ward. By the time I got home it was late and it was SNOWING! I took a long time with my personal prayer last night-I was reflecting on the talk by Quentin L. Cook, "Hope You Know, We Had a Hard Time." In my prayer, I asked Heavenly Father if he knew I was having a hard time, if he knew that things were starting to get a little overwhelming. (I love praying-because I am not afraid to communicate how I feel to my Father in Heaven)

I woke up this morning to continue studying and get ready for school...and this is what I woke up too: Now to you Westerners...I know it doesnt look like much-but here in the east this is enough to close school! And that is exactly what happened. I had an extra day to study for my two exams this week, an extra day to study for my quiz, and time to continue reflecting and resting.

I have no doubt in my mind that Heavenly Father knows when we are having a hard time. He gives us a lot to handle. He pushes us and prods us because he wants us to become the best that we can. But he also hears our prayers and listens to us when we say, "Hope you know I'm having a hard time." I am so grateful for my knowledge of this gospel. I am so grateful for the strength it gives me every day. I love the feeling the spirit brings when it testifies to me of this truth. Its not always easy, in fact for me-its usually really hard, but its always worth it.

The snow was a perfect answer to a prayer. It was beautiful and clean and white. And it reminded me of some very important things.