I expected a backlash to come...I prepared myself mentally...I set up safe reminders to know that I did the right thing. And when the backlash didnt come, I started to release the breath I'd been holding for so long.

That was a mistake.

I should have kept holding my breath. I should have kept myself prepared. Because over the last three days the backlash keeps coming. And its not one simple hit and then its over. No instead it feels like I am tied to two posts and I am being hit from every side. Everytime I start to breath a little lighter...I get slapped back down.

This is what I do know: 8 days ago I made a choice. A choice that had to be made by someone who was willing to face facts. There was something seriously wrong with my roommate. She did not just get a taste of the Holy Spirit...she was not touched by God...she had a manic break down. She went crazy. Despite what anyone tells you, she was mentally ill. So I took the hardest road. I made this decision to take care of her because I loved her. Because I've considered her extended family for these past six years. I've already wrote about how hard this decision was. I've already exhausted those emotions. But now I get a whole new set. Now instead of trying to be concerned with her well being, I've had to make the choice to put me and my future first.

And that choice has now earned me names such as: an overbearing wench, a selfish brat, a person who doesn't have anyone's best interests at heart, an evil whore, and who knows what else.

I'm trying to take this all in stride. I realize that she still isn't in her best frame of mind. I realize that her life is going to be difficult now. I realize that she has a lot to face; a lot of battles to fight. But I cannot be the person to fight them with her at the expense of my schooling and my own life.

And if that makes me selfish, then so be it.


*****
I just read my scriptures and then opened this book I've been slowly reading (its entitled: Better Than You Think You Are-by Ardeth G. Kapp)

There was this quote and it just moved me:
"If we are to be tried in all things, should we not expect some feelings of anxiety when we feel pushed and rushed, with not enough time to do it all?....We must never succumb to the enticings of the adversary to question our worth, our capability, our capacity, and the resources available to us to pass all the tests that really matter. In fact, We can even pass with honors if we will call upon the Lord for help and follow his directions."