Life keeps throwing some ridiculously hard curve balls. I'm clinging-but barely. Whats worse is after the last two days-I'm not really sure whether I am on the right path. I feel like I've trapped myself in this false sense of reality-that nothing is really happening the way I am living it. Its like a nightmare that you get stuck in, over and over again every night.
I was so ready to work towards the positive. Not ready to give up. But today, I'm not so sure where I stand. So for now, I'm just going to take a minute to breathe-to figure out what square I really am on and just how far I have to go at this point. And then I need a plan of attack.
But for today, I can't even decide how I feel. It changes every second. So for now, I'm just going to concentrate on breathing.
Friday, April 27, 2012
Monday, April 23, 2012
I can still be found taking the long way around
Whew. What a few weeks it has been. My life is sooooo good and yet I have felt so weary and tired and just emotionally undone. I am going to get a little honest and a little personal now-so just bear with me and please don't judge.
I loved conference. LOVED conference. Before conference, I made a small list of questions/instructions that I wanted answered during conference. So when Henry B. Eyring started his talk with a similar experience-which then led him to one of the greatest trials of his life, I knew I was in trouble! The answers/directions I received are definitely not 'the greatest trial of my life' but there was a lot of very personal (and quite painful) chastisements from my loving Heavenly Father. Of course this was done in the setting of great love and kindness. And it pierced my core with a desire to just be better-to be good. It also called me to let something go-to give up a desire and be okay with whatever is in store for me. And while, I fully recognize that the Lord is only trying to make me more then I can become on my own-the call to action and then acting, has not been easy (not that He ever said it would be).
My last post referenced my desire for 'courage'. Yesterday at church someone said, 'It only takes a few seconds of extreme courage to do great things'. I loved this-because I feel like its applicable in most areas of life. But sometimes, you don't need a few seconds of courage. Sometimes, you need a constant source of courage (like an IV) to help you to let go of the pieces of you that are keeping you from becoming the best version of yourself. I'd like to call that kind of courage FAITH.
So many people around me are struggling. And their struggles are very real and very personal. Most of them are enduring it as best as they can. And those that are pushing through are some of the most courageous (faithful) people I know. And all of them are being asked by the Lord to do something, something hard. The Lord requires us to do hard things so that he can make us into great things. I know this and so I'm holding tight and pushing on.
Life is good. I'm struggling, but I'm happy. I'm going to get over this hill/mountain. I'm going to give this piece of myself away-no matter how long it takes or how long I have to wrestle with myself. I'm going to do it alongside all the many people in my life who are walking the same (or similar) road. And I'm going to come out better on the other side (we all will).
I loved conference. LOVED conference. Before conference, I made a small list of questions/instructions that I wanted answered during conference. So when Henry B. Eyring started his talk with a similar experience-which then led him to one of the greatest trials of his life, I knew I was in trouble! The answers/directions I received are definitely not 'the greatest trial of my life' but there was a lot of very personal (and quite painful) chastisements from my loving Heavenly Father. Of course this was done in the setting of great love and kindness. And it pierced my core with a desire to just be better-to be good. It also called me to let something go-to give up a desire and be okay with whatever is in store for me. And while, I fully recognize that the Lord is only trying to make me more then I can become on my own-the call to action and then acting, has not been easy (not that He ever said it would be).
My last post referenced my desire for 'courage'. Yesterday at church someone said, 'It only takes a few seconds of extreme courage to do great things'. I loved this-because I feel like its applicable in most areas of life. But sometimes, you don't need a few seconds of courage. Sometimes, you need a constant source of courage (like an IV) to help you to let go of the pieces of you that are keeping you from becoming the best version of yourself. I'd like to call that kind of courage FAITH.
So many people around me are struggling. And their struggles are very real and very personal. Most of them are enduring it as best as they can. And those that are pushing through are some of the most courageous (faithful) people I know. And all of them are being asked by the Lord to do something, something hard. The Lord requires us to do hard things so that he can make us into great things. I know this and so I'm holding tight and pushing on.
Life is good. I'm struggling, but I'm happy. I'm going to get over this hill/mountain. I'm going to give this piece of myself away-no matter how long it takes or how long I have to wrestle with myself. I'm going to do it alongside all the many people in my life who are walking the same (or similar) road. And I'm going to come out better on the other side (we all will).
“You are doing the best you can, and that best results in good to yourself and to others. Do not nag yourself with a sense of failure. Get on your knees and ask for the blessings of the Lord; then stand on your feet and do what you are asked to do.”
― Gordon B. Hinckley
― Gordon B. Hinckley
Monday, April 16, 2012
Silently we pray, for courage to accept thy will
We sang 'As Now We Take the Sacrament' yesterday in church and this line just hit me hard. I've been struggling with the Lord's timing recently and understanding His ultimate plan for me. My life is so ridiculously good and I am not trying to sound ungrateful-I'm just being honest. My faith is rock solid and I know there is a reason behind all this, but that doesn't cause my emotions to stop reeling and it doesn't help me sleep at night (although, I know it should).
As I sang this line, I sang it with all the force of my heart that I could muster. I know there is a plan and a reason behind all this. I just need a little more courage to accept that it all. So here is dedicating my week to courage and reaching within to pull it out.
As I sang this line, I sang it with all the force of my heart that I could muster. I know there is a plan and a reason behind all this. I just need a little more courage to accept that it all. So here is dedicating my week to courage and reaching within to pull it out.
Thursday, April 12, 2012
We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope
“Many of the great achievements of the world were accomplished by tired and discouraged men who kept on working.”
“Hope is the most exciting thing in life and if you honestly believe that love is out there, it will come. And even if it doesn't come straight away there is still that chance all through your life that it will.”
I'm holding out, best friend. Holding out and pushing through. Thanks for the encouragement.
“Hope is the most exciting thing in life and if you honestly believe that love is out there, it will come. And even if it doesn't come straight away there is still that chance all through your life that it will.”
I'm holding out, best friend. Holding out and pushing through. Thanks for the encouragement.
Friday, April 6, 2012
The journey just keeps getting better...
I'm in complete awe of the spiritual growth that has occurred over the last few weeks. I've been challenging myself more, demanding more of my study, and really striving to just be all around better. And while I am still so very far from perfect, I love the things that I have already learned and the changes I already find myself making.
I've been on a journey to come closer to Christ for almost a year-through reading the Book of Mormon and seeking Christ out, then reading the New Testament and learning exactly what Christ taught, and finally through climbing my own personal mountains. I just started reading a new book-21 Days Closer to Christ-and the 3rd day challenge is to reflect and remember the events that developed your testimony. I've had so very many that I don't think I could remember them all. But there is one event that keeps sticking out in my mind and I felt the need to write it down, so here goes.
Rewind to my 4th and final year of undergrad. Its in late February, early March. I woke up late for classes and on the way remembered that I was supposed to proctor an exam for the class I was a TA for. When I get to the building, there is no one there and no way for me to get access to the office with the exams. I remember running up and down the hall, freaking out-yelling internally at myself for my stupidity, and eventually crying. In the midst of my tears, I gulped out a 3 word sentence to Heavenly Father. It went something like this: 'Heavenly Father, its been a really bad day. Can you please help me get these tests? And if you can find it in your heart to also let me know whether I got into Pharmacy School, that would be great.' Just a few short seconds later, someone came around the corner, opened the door and I proctored an exam. I went throughout the rest of my classes and work with not much more reflection on the second part of my plea. On my walk home I was thinking of random things. Along the way, my roommate Stephanie picked me up and tried to ease my bad day. We get home and I check the mail. There in the box is an envelope-a letter from the VCU School of Pharmacy. You can imagine my instant shock and anxiety and elation in finally getting something. The rest, as they say, is history. I got accepted and did 4 grueling years of pharmacy school, graduated, and am now living in Texas completing my 2 year residency.
There was a desire I had-a righteous one. And God answered my simple prayer. It was not something critical, it was not something earth shattering-but it was exactly what I needed to strengthen my faith in that moment. And looking back on it, it has really continued to bless my life.
In institute on Wednesday, Brother Facer read a quote about the righteous desires of our hearts. We were told that if we wrote down blessings we wanted pronounced upon our heads and then lived righteously, they would be fulfilled. I know this is true. Because our Heavenly Father really wants everything that is good and righteous in our lives. He granted my wish and desire to go to a good school, he granted my wish in going to a new place with a new purpose, and I have faith that all other righteous desires I have will sobe fulfilled. What a great knowledge that is.
I've been on a journey to come closer to Christ for almost a year-through reading the Book of Mormon and seeking Christ out, then reading the New Testament and learning exactly what Christ taught, and finally through climbing my own personal mountains. I just started reading a new book-21 Days Closer to Christ-and the 3rd day challenge is to reflect and remember the events that developed your testimony. I've had so very many that I don't think I could remember them all. But there is one event that keeps sticking out in my mind and I felt the need to write it down, so here goes.
Rewind to my 4th and final year of undergrad. Its in late February, early March. I woke up late for classes and on the way remembered that I was supposed to proctor an exam for the class I was a TA for. When I get to the building, there is no one there and no way for me to get access to the office with the exams. I remember running up and down the hall, freaking out-yelling internally at myself for my stupidity, and eventually crying. In the midst of my tears, I gulped out a 3 word sentence to Heavenly Father. It went something like this: 'Heavenly Father, its been a really bad day. Can you please help me get these tests? And if you can find it in your heart to also let me know whether I got into Pharmacy School, that would be great.' Just a few short seconds later, someone came around the corner, opened the door and I proctored an exam. I went throughout the rest of my classes and work with not much more reflection on the second part of my plea. On my walk home I was thinking of random things. Along the way, my roommate Stephanie picked me up and tried to ease my bad day. We get home and I check the mail. There in the box is an envelope-a letter from the VCU School of Pharmacy. You can imagine my instant shock and anxiety and elation in finally getting something. The rest, as they say, is history. I got accepted and did 4 grueling years of pharmacy school, graduated, and am now living in Texas completing my 2 year residency.
There was a desire I had-a righteous one. And God answered my simple prayer. It was not something critical, it was not something earth shattering-but it was exactly what I needed to strengthen my faith in that moment. And looking back on it, it has really continued to bless my life.
In institute on Wednesday, Brother Facer read a quote about the righteous desires of our hearts. We were told that if we wrote down blessings we wanted pronounced upon our heads and then lived righteously, they would be fulfilled. I know this is true. Because our Heavenly Father really wants everything that is good and righteous in our lives. He granted my wish and desire to go to a good school, he granted my wish in going to a new place with a new purpose, and I have faith that all other righteous desires I have will sobe fulfilled. What a great knowledge that is.
Sunday, March 25, 2012
I'm alive...sorta
I survived my 27th birthday-the world did not end and I am still alive and kicking. I have tons to post about-but since I am old, I must retire to bed. My stories (and pictures) will have to wait for another day.
LOVE!
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
T-minus 2 days to Friday
I have this fear that at 4pm on Friday, my world will stop. I've been focusing so hard on completing my res-rounds, that I'm not sure there is anything left in life. (I'm being over-dramatic here obviously)
It was very hard for me as a perfectionist, to be verbally critiqued for 2.5 hours with very little positive feedback. So I have worked night and day, writing and editing and rewriting my handout and slides. So much so, that I don't know if I am going to be able to function without this task.
All I know is that come Saturday, when I get off work, I am going to a spa. I'm treating myself to a massage, a facial, and a new hair-do. Saturday will be an 'Amber Day' and if anyone wants to participate, I'll celebrate you too!
COME ON SATURDAY!
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