BELIEVE

I was cleaning up stuff from the living room and packing for my trip on Thursday and I found this book that my Grandma bought for me a while ago. Inside the cover she wrote, " To My Beloved Amber, BELIEVE." I found this today at this perfect moment. It was one of those beautiful tender mercies-where you instantly know that Heavenly Father is there, watching out for you, listening to your prayers, and knowing your heart with such perfect exactness.

So my theme, from now to the end of this year, is to just believe. To Believe in the Beauty of Christmas, the love, the miracles, the truth. To Believe in Myself, my capabilities, my joy, my faith, and my talents. To Believe in the future, in its possibilities, in its promise, in the unknown, and in growth. To Believe in blessings, in prayer, in the atonement, in my Savior and my God. To Believe in possibility, that people can change, that people can love, and that when they fall short-I can love them that much more.

In short:

BELIEVE

Gratitude

Today's lessons were about Gratitude at church and since we are fast approaching Thanksgiving, I wanted to make a small gratitude list for today:

-The Gospel (including the scriptures, living prophets and apostles, etc.)

-Prayer (it is my direct line to my Father in Heaven and often my saving grace)

-My Family (it was said in conference once that families bring our greatest joys and our greatest sorrows-I'm grateful for both.)

-My Friends (the family I created to keep me sane from the one that makes me insane) There are very specific people (you should know who you are) that make me a better person and love me despite the facts they know

-The Willis' (they fit the friend category, but they need their own mention because their Christlike love is unmatched in anyone I have ever known)

-Trials (despite how painful the refiner's fire may be, I know that someday-no matter how far away-I will be a beautiful, finished product)

So I'm not sure if I mentioned that I am living in a horror movie...No scratch that! I know I've told everyone and anyone who will listen because I'm terrified almost every night to go to sleep. (I wish I were exaggerating)

This weekend was amazing! Not only did I not have to sleep in this scary place for two nights, I also got to see Benjamin get sealed to my Uncle Mike and my Aunt Jeni. It was so beautiful and I am so glad that I got to go. I also got to see so many other family members who I haven't seen forever.

But, sadly, on Sunday I had to come back to the psych ward. That night-not so bad! It was so late by the time I got back that I really just laid down and passed out. But last night and tonight not so much. Last night I was sitting at my computer talking to Jessica and thinking about everything and nothing, when out of the corner of my eye I saw this GINORMOUS bug on my dresser. Right at eye level. Of course my heart was immediately in my throat and had it not been I would have probably screamed. I had mild panic attacks for several minutes and then decided the only way to get rid of it was to capture it in this water bottle I had and throw it in a garbage down the hall. (Which is exactly what I did)

Today it has been raining all day and because the buildings are so old, it has been freezing cold. So in a kind gesture they turned on the heat...This was not a kind gesture for me, however. Why you might ask? Why wouldn't I want to snuggle into my bed when its nice and cozy and fall asleep warm?! Because my bed is by the bathroom door and inside the bathroom is this awful smell radiating from the heater. Seriously, I think that there is some dead animal in there rotting away and now the warm air has heated the animal up and then blown the smell into my bathroom.

I keep telling myself I can do this...but I'm not so sure I want to anymore! Thank heavens that this weekend is the harvest ball and I get to sleep in MY OWN bed for two nights again (who knows, maybe I'll choose to do 3 and drive back ridiculously early Monday morning)!

On a completely different note: I ranked my schools today. Midyear is less then a month away so the ranking may change, but this is how I feel for now!

1st: University of Texas

2nd: University of Southern California

3rd: University of California at Davis

4th: Banner Baywood Hospital in Arizona

5th: VA at San Diego

6th: University of Virginia

7th: University of Washington

I get to hug this little cutie in less then 12 hours. Its amazing how in a world of chaos, a hug from a child can change your perspective.

you see when you go through a traumatic experience, it kind of alters your perception.

I'm living in a horror movie set. No seriously. I wish I were kidding. But my current rotation is situated in a VA hospital that is set away from the town. The halls are long and narrow and the lights flicker. Plus, there is this whining noise that continues late into the night.

I wish I had never seen The Frighteners. It's made my overactive imagination run wild.

Integrity

Through my own actions, my integrity wavered. I will not go into the details, for they are personal. But I found this talk from Elder Russell M. Nelson and I had to share my thoughts/comments.

Russell M. Nelson begins his talk with an analogy of the mitral valve in the human heart (of course I'd find a talk about the heart...I love the heart...) The mitral valve has cords and as one becomes broken or torn, the others slowly weaken. Much like our spirits. We are tethered to the gospel, but as we break principles as we make mistakes we slowly weaken those tethers and slowly start to pull away from our Father in Heaven.

"We cannot commit a little sin without being subject to the consequences. If we tolerate a little sin today, we tolerate a little more tomorrow, and before long, a cord of integrity is broken."

But none of us is immune to temptation, and the adversary knows it. He would deceive, connive, or contrive any means to deprive us of potential joy and exaltation. He knows that if one little cord of control can be snapped, others likely will weaken later under increased strain. The result would be no integrity, no eternal life. Satan’s triumph would be assured. If this domino-like deterioration causes a run in our spiritual stocking, qualities of character are lost and our cherished integrity is gone.

If we are wise, we assess personal cords of integrity on a daily basis. We identify any weakness, and we repair it. Indeed, we have an obligation to do so. The words of Isaiah apply equally to all:

“Strengthen ye the weak hands, and confirm the feeble knees. “Say to them that are of a fearful heart, Be strong”

Sometimes in life, we have to stop and assess right in the moment. Sometimes our actions are too quick for us to assess and then we are left to make the decision to go back and try to repair the cord. If we fail to turn back, we make the choice to weaken ourselves spiritually. I've found in this latest struggle, that prayer is the only place to find the right answer within your heart. For myself, my heart was tortured, I was so disappointed in myself and I knew the only place I had to go for the help I needed to step up was through prayer.

Private personal prayer is a good time for introspection. Morning prayer might include a petition for honesty, chastity, virtue, or for simply being of service to others. In the evening, there may be another quick checkup on all those attributes. We pray for the preservation of our spiritual integrity, then we work for it. Should any flaw be found, we will want to begin the process of prompt repair that will protect further disintegration of a threatened spiritual quality.

This next part of his talk hit home. How often do we ask ourselves these questions? And if we ask the questions, do we like the answers? For myself, although the right thing was hard to do, even though I will suffer the consequences of my mistake, I found solace in reading this talk and seeing my answers to the question.

Self-assessment is done best in many little steps, asking ourselves questions such as:

• •

  What do we do when we make a mistake? Do we admit our error and apologize, or do we deny it and blame others?

• •

  What do we do when we are in a group where wrong ideas or activities are promoted? Do we endorse error by our silence, or do we take a stand?

• •

  Are we totally true to our employers, or are we less than loyal?

• •

  Do we keep the Sabbath day, obey the Word of Wisdom, honor our father and mother?

• •

  If we have made sacred covenants in the temple, how do we react when we hear evil-speaking against the Lord’s anointed? Do we honor all covenants made there? Or do we allow exceptions and rationalize our behavior to suit our preconceived preferences?

• •

  How do we honor our word? Can our promises be trusted?

And of course, with the atonement, there is always hope and comfort. I may not rise above temporally, but in the eternal scheme of things, I made the right choice.

We should not be discouraged or depressed by our shortcomings. No one is without weakness. As part of the divine plan, we are tested to see whether we master weakness or let weakness master us. Proper diagnosis is essential to proper treatment. The Lord gave us this remarkable assurance: “Because thou hast seen thy weakness thou shalt be made strong” (Ether 12:37). But wishing for strength won’t make us strong. It takes faith and work to shore up a weakened cord of integrity.

We know the process of self-repair called repentance. Mercifully, we do not have to begin that process alone. We can receive help through counsel with trusted family members and Church leaders. But their aid is more likely to help if we seek it not merely to satisfy a formality but with real intent to reform and come closer to Christ. He is the ultimate physician.

Real faith in Him will provide real relief—and glorious rewards. He said, “Because thou hast seen thy weakness thou shalt be made strong, even unto the sitting down in the place which I have prepared in the mansions of my Father” (Ether 12:37; see also Ether 12:27, 2 Cor. 12:9).

Mistakes may mar our worthiest intentions, and serious sin can stain with scarlet the slate of pristine white that was once ours. As none of us may escape sin, none of us may escape suffering. Repentance may not be easy, but it is worth it. Repentance not only bleaches, it heals!

I've slowly been preparing for residency applications, trying to pick a school/program that will best fit me and my goals in my career. At the beginning, I had every intention of heading FAR west-to California or Washington State. But then a professor told me about a program in Texas, an opportunity to study under one of the Nation's top professors. My interest was only slightly peaked, but I was sure that California was where I wanted to go.

But after further research into the program and after many prayers and visits to the temple, I started to feel pulled to Texas. So I emailed the director of the program, just to get a feeling for the school and the people who will become my instructors. Slowly, but surely, Texas became my number one choice.

I can't explain how this happens, but it is similar to how I gained my testimony. These experiences are never earth shattering, there are no voices or visions; instead, it is the quiet calm that occurs within my heart. It is this peace and assurance that this is where I am supposed to go. I followed this prompting when moving to Virginia and I know without a doubt that this was where I was supposed to grow and strengthen my foundation.

If you were to ask, "Are you nervous? Do you have doubts?" I would respond with a resounding 'YES!' I am terrified about packing up and moving to a new state. I am terrified about making all new friends and starting over in a new city. I have doubts that I will get accepted. But I do not have doubts in my Father in Heaven. I do not feel he will lead me astray. I know that I must do all I can do to prepare and then I have to let the pieces fall as they may.

Anyways, the reason I felt inspired to write this post today was because of what my reading found this morning. I was sitting at the kitchen table, reading in the Special Temple Edition of the Ensign, and as I turned the page, the most beautiful picture of a celestial room caught my eye. I stopped and marveled at how stunning the room looked. And then I read the caption. The celestial room pictured was from the temple in San Antonio, Texas.

Tears flooded my eyes and I sat in awe of the beauty of small, subtle promptings in my life. Do I know for sure that I will end up in Texas? No. Of course I don't. Only the Lord can truly know that answer. But I do find greater peace in my decision to apply to this residency. And more importantly, my love for my Father in Heaven was increased-because he knows who I am and everything about me. Its such a wonderful knowledge-to have a testimony of this gospel and to have faith in the Savior.