Learn of me, and listen to my words; walk in the meekness of my Spirit, and you shall have peace in me.

What Am I to Change?

Yesterday, Jessica and I sat in the car having a heart to heart about where we stand right now in our lives. Let me first start by saying that I am so grateful for a friend like her. Jessica is a rare person and an amazing friend. Although she yelled at me a few times yesterday, her frustration was out of a deep love for me. Its a tender mercy from the Lord to have a friend who can see all your faults, see that you are on a path to destruction, and still love you enough to fight for your safety-loves you enough to threaten harm on others, just to keep you safe. I can't begin to tell you how important that type of friend is right now (and always)

I spent the drive back to Harrisonburg in deep contemplation of the things we had discussed in that car. I spoke with my Father in Heaven and asked him to help me to tear down this broken foundation and start fresh. I really admire Jessica (and the strength she had to act upon the promptings she had, despite how hard it was for her). I am drawing complete strength from her actions and the spirit today as I prepare myself to do the same thing tonight.

The spirit has been speaking loudly and very clearly for a while now-and true to the natural man, I have ignored it and acted like I've been left in the dark. But that is anything but true; the truth is, I knew what the right thing was and I openly rebelled against it because I wanted more instantaneous happiness, instead of the appropriate joy that comes from a righteous life. But it is not something I can ignore anymore-because my ultimate happiness is on the line. It may seem dramatic to those of you who read this because I am being very vague; but I can assure you, a life spent searching after the acceptance and approval of man is not a life of happiness. The silken thread that entices us to sin, when given the chance, will become the anchor that drags us down to hell.

I am choosing not to be bound anymore. I am choosing to forsake my current choices and desires, to protect me. In Elder James B. Martino's conference talk, he states "A small amount of pain now will protect them from possible pain and suffering in the future. Our Father in Heaven knows the end from the beginning. We need to follow the example of the Savior and trust in Him." Later in the talk, he gives us advice to get through trials-he asks us to consider "What Am I to Change" when a trial arises.

After hours of heartfelt prayer, after weeks and months of anguish, I now know what I need to change. And although it will be difficult, I know that it is the only way that I will ever truly move forward and progress to a stronger testimony. In a sense, it is the only way that I will ever be able to learn, "Peace Be Still". In a talk by Sister Nelson, she relates a story of how sometimes in life we have to cut away more, even after we have started to piece things back together. So it is with many of us when we look at our current states. Despite that I have made every effort to move forward, I can't move forward without going back and cutting out some very large parts. I don't know much, but I know enough to know that I want peace and joy in my life-and I know where to start to find them.

Like Jessica said, "Life is hard, no matter where you stand. There are going to be the ups and downs, the big disappointments and the little pricks of pain versus the big joys and the tiny happy moments scattered throughout. But I know that everything we experience is ultimately for our good."

Amazing Grace

I've had this song in my head the last few days, well the first line anyways. And I just keep thinking about the last few months and the personal struggles that I have had in my life. The last few months have been an all out war within myself. I forgot what it felt like to hear the Spirit. I forgot what it felt like to burn with faith. Maybe I didn't forget, but I blocked them out. And for a few moments, I even wondered if I had lost my hope.

But just when I thought the moment had come where I would surrender to it all, I was overwhelmed with the strength of my testimony. And the tender mercies of the Lord overcame my wearied heart and lifted me back on my feet.

I don't pretend to understand how the Spirit talks to others. But I know how the Spirit talks to me. And over the last few days, the messages have been subtle, but so true that I cannot let them escape my brain. My hope is renewed and my faith the same as it always was-I know the truth and that is all I need.

Life is hard for me. I'm sure its hard for all of us. Because it is supposed to be hard. Its about learning, its about growth. And honestly-as hard as it can be-I hope I never stop growing.

**A message for any of my friends or family who might be lost or who may have forgotten: Hold on. Just keep holding on. Because I promise you, whatever the reasons, it will be worth it.

All I Can Do Is Keep Breathing

Today, my best friend of 4 years died. Its the worst possible feeling ever. The vet says that she had a weak heart and when they gave her the anesthesia she had an idiosyncratic reaction. I spent three hours holding her and saying goodbye. But it wasn't enough. The house is so empty; there's no pitter-pattering across the carpet. I lost my friend. And its awful.

"Children in pure faith proclaim, “We believe in God, the Eternal Father, and in His Son, Jesus Christ, and in the Holy Ghost.” But sometimes youth and adults do not feel the power of this simple declaration.

Satan is the “enemy to all righteousness”, thus he plants doubts about the nature of the Godhead and our relationship with Them. Jesus Christ prophesied that in the last days even the very elect would be deceived.
Consider three examples of how Lucifer is “laying traps and snares to catch the holy ones of God."

The snare of false inadequacy. A faithful young person feels unable to meet the expectations of others. At home and school, she is rarely praised and often criticized. The popular media tells her she is not beautiful enough or smart enough. Every day this righteous sister questions whether she is an individual worthy of Heavenly Father’s love, the Savior’s atoning sacrifice, or the Spirit’s constant guidance.

The snare of exaggerated imperfection. An outstanding missionary feels incapable of meeting the expectations of God. In his mind, this worthy elder imagines a stern Heavenly Father bound to irrevocable justice, a Savior capable of cleansing others’ transgressions but not this elder’s own, and a Holy Ghost unwilling to accompany an imperfect person.

The snare of needless guilt. A middle-aged woman is a devoted mother, a loving friend, a faithful Church servant, and a frequent temple patron. But in her heart, this sister cannot forgive herself of sins committed years ago that she has repented of and fully resolved with priesthood leaders. She doubts that her life will ever be acceptable to the Lord and has lost hope of eternal life in Heavenly Father’s presence.

If you have any thoughts and feelings similar to these good Saints, I invite you to become as a little child and feel again “the great and wonderful love made manifest by the Father and the Son in the coming of the Redeemer into the world.

First, see yourself as a precious child of a loving Father in Heaven.

Second, place your burdens on Jesus Christ

Third, forgive yourself of sins and imperfections

Fourth, sustain hope of eternal life

Fifth, find joy each day"

-Taken from a talk by Elder Anthony D. Perkins of the Seventy

I just really loved this talk and thought I would share.

I Am A Fourth Year Pharmacy Student.

That's all.

Just A Small Countdown...Or Up?

2 more days of classes (a total of 3 classes left in my pharmacy education at MCV)

4 finals remain (with 5 projects left to complete)

6 days until Jessica comes home (Yes..I really am counting these days)

8 days until my 'summer break' starts (yes it's only a week long, but hey that is something)

10 days until my 5k Mud Run (break out the old running shoes)

12 days...(well there isnt really anything significant for days 12 or 14)

16 days until I start my 1st rotation (and the beginning of my final year as a pharmacy student!!!)

CAN you tell I am excited?!