"Please do not be cynical. I hate cynicism, its my least favorite quality and it doesn't lead anywhere. Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get, but if you work really hard and you're kind, amazing things will happen" -Conan

This weekend finally provided some opportunity to "Be Still". For me, at least this weekend, it meant to finally peel back the layers of my heartache which is always there under the surface. I guess you could say the bandaid that I had over my bleeding heart was torn off during Christmas break. A simple mistake, a reach out, brought me face to face with the man who finally decided that he just couldn't commit to me (only to commit to someone else a month later).

He showed up at my Grandma's house and tried to act as though we were ok- as though nothing had to change. He held my hand, placed his hand on my knee while playing games, pulled me close on the couch, and hugged me as though he would never let go. All those things that make me senseless-all the things that make me fall back in love with him all over again.

But I can't be in love with him. He isn't my person and sadly, he never will be. (Someday I know that I won't say sadly anymore-someday my heart will accept that this is how it is) I watched an episode of Bones last night and it brought me to tears. (odd isn't it? that a silly show I love will finally allow me to cry some of the emotions out) Anyways, this is what was said:

Hodgins runs to Sweets to vent "You’re right, Sweets, everything is NOT fine,” Hodgins yells. “I don’t know if I want to climb into a hole and die or run over Wendell and Angela with a truck.” (In regards to his ex) Sweets: “I don’t think you’re jealous. I think you’re grieving what you lost...You know, grief heals with time."

Logically I know that...I've been dealing with the grief of my Grandma's death for almost two years now. But somehow I just haven't accepted this yet, somehow I refuse to accept this as the end of "us", how can I when he floats back in and acts the same way? It's time to cut him out-and that is okay-but it just means changing myself. There is a lot to change already, my life is about to take a sharp turn, a 180 from the place I have been for almost seven years, and I am just not ready. And if I put it honestly, I'm terrified to take this turn alone. Sure I have my friends (who are angels sent from Heaven) but its just not the same as having that person who walks beside you and holds your hand through it all.

I am okay. I am. I accept my position and I know I will survive-its what I do best. I just need to let it out in small pieces, like my motto says, I need to be still and I will know the right thing to do and Heavenly Father will be there with arms open to comfort me through all this pain.

So if you look at the title of my blog it has changed! That's because I finally picked my theme for the year. My theme last year was "Come What May and Love It" and it was perfect. I was so blessed by the commitment to accept things as they are, especially with my family and friends. I also learned a lot about the atonement through this theme.

So after a long wrestle with myself, I finally decided that "Peace Be Still" was the theme I need this year. First because the outside world is chaotic, and if I don't take the time to be still I will miss out on Heavenly Father's promptings and the time to know God.

The second is similar to last year's theme, with a new spin of course. When trials come, when things get tough, I have the tendency to have a little freak out. So hopefully, this year's theme will help me to take a moment to pause before things get rough.

Wish me luck!

AH!!! Guess who is almost back in Richmond! Man I love my family and I am so glad I got to visit for so long...but I am so ready to sleep in my own bed (for the last time until April). I have so much to pack to prepare for my move tomorrow afternoon...but before I do anything this girl is taking a nap in her bed with her baby who probably thinks she was abandoned since I have been gone for over a month!

Hello Richmond! Goodbye family and friends and the West! (tear)

I'm discombobulated. I'm so confused. I can't separate my head from my heart. Why is it so easy to let him in and so painful to relive all these feelings?

I just wish I could let him go for good. Or let go of the feelings if I can't let go of him.

The Brow wrote out her goals on her blog and inspired me to make a list of my own (I think this is the same way this happened last year...I'm telling you, we are gonna be friends for life!)

So I've been thinking a lot (I know...that's nothing new) about who I am and where I want to go and I've surprised myself with how different I actually am. Thanks to my Heavenly Father for chipping away at the pieces I didn't like about myself, thanks to my closest girlfriends (and Jesse) who chip away or build up areas, and thanks to myself for accepting the change and having a better attitude about rolling with the situations.

All in all, I'd say 2009 was a tumultuous year for me. Some highlights:

*One of my roommates had to be hospitalized, which showed me that I know how to handle a crisis and when the going gets tough, I stand and fight for the people I love

*I moved into a new house (only to be kicked out again due to a wedding proposal!)

*I had a summer full of small improvements to my faith

*I took out my endowments (a feeling I never want to forget)

*I made my own halloween costume! (I'm not crafty so this was exciting for me)

*I aced my finals

*I stuck to my goal of attending the temple once a month

*I made mistakes, but I can admit them and know how to improve them

*I accepted hurt from a close friend and instead of pushing away, I dug my heels in and forced myself to take the 'grown' up route

Now to some these may seem insignificant, maybe even to most. But to me, these were the defining moments of my year. These were the areas that I needed to fit myself a little more into the mold of Amber.

2010 is going to be another wonderful year...my fingers are tingling as I think about the changes my life is going to take. I am almost finished with school...Three more semesters and I will officially graduate with a Pharm D. I will be moving to Charlottesville in the spring and for the first time I will have an apartment by myself. (A fact that both terrifies me and excites me) I will be applying for Residencies and have the opportunity to go to another state. I guess you could state the ever cliche quote: The world is at my fingertips and I just need to grab it.

So for the goal part of this post:

1. Take time for the Spiritual Things. This involves reading scriptures, ensigns, and talks daily. It involves going to the temple once a month-more if possible. It involves paying attention all three hours of church and taking as much as I can on Sunday's to fill my spiritual cup for the week. This is always a goal...it's the most important goal, because without it I am not happy and without it life is a constant struggle.

2. Let things go. Life is meant to be happy and enjoyed, its difficult to do this if I hold onto the little things that are insignificant. People can only be who they are, not who I expect them to be-so I have to let it go.

3. Participate in more crafts. I enjoy doing things: scrapbooking, knitting, embroidery, quilting. Now I just need to do some things! My goal is to start grandma's scrapbook (just start...because its going to be an emotional one) and to complete at least 3 other crafts.

4. Be Prepared. No more lollygagging in my tasks. No more procrastination. (At least attempt it anyways!)

5. Budget. This is critical considering I am going to be living on my own and that it is almost time to start paying back student loans EEEEEEEK!

6. Be healthy. I hate the goal of losing weight...I always feel like a failure. So instead I just want to continue being healthy. That means exercising 2-4x a week, staying away from lots of processed foods, and not eating gobs of food (except for on girls night...cause that is what girls night is all about!)

7. Put myself out there. Now I don't mean this to be taken wrong. I just like my comfort zones and that keeps me from trying new things. I did better this year-I asked some guys out, I tried new activities, and I enjoyed them. So I guess that means I need to do the same again! There needs to be time to date and time to do things (so I guess I better keep on goal number 4!)

8. Love. For anyone who knows me, this is always a goal in life. I honestly believe love is the healing balm of everything. So it makes the list again.

Those are the big ones. There of course will always be small ones throughout the year...but for now: Happy New Year and good luck to all your goals!

Tonight is my last night with my Papabear, for this trip anyways. And my heart is so full. I can't believe how loved I am-its nights like these that I use to create my image of our Heavenly Father's love, Nights where I sit with my Papa and we converse about the hard stuff.

My Heavenly Father loves me-there is no doubt in my mind about that. If he didn't I wouldn't have such wonderful people in my life to show me what love is all about. Tonight as we had dinner my Grandfather told me how proud he was of me and more importantly how proud my Grandmother was of me.

This trip was hard. I don't know what it was about this Christmas, but I missed her more then last (that is not saying I didn't miss her last Christmas, because last Christmas was awful-but for some reason I missed her even more) I missed her presence, I missed her smile, I missed her.

Tonight, my Papa asked why and admitted that he lost his Faith when my Grandma died. I didn't know what to say-how could I tell him her death made my faith stronger? Especially since her death has made us so much closer. We talk now, openly; we share and we are involved. I like being with my Papa; I love being with him. But I still wish she were here. I want my cake and I want to eat it too.