Getting Back to Basics

I am a horrible journal keeper. Like, the worst. I have all these entries I tell myself I am going to write in my personal journal and then I never have time to write them down. Truth be told, I find I don't have enough time for the things that should matter more in my life and I spend way to much time not doing enough good.

For the past few weeks my heart has been pulling at some thoughts on what I needed to do-but I couldn't figure them out (which we all should know by now led me to frustrations-thats my key word.) Luckily for me, I find that the Lord loves me so perfectly he knows how to let me work it out on my own. There was a quote in the Gospel Essentials manual that just resonated in my heart at church yesterday:

“When a man has the manifestation from the Holy Ghost, it leaves an indelible impression on his soul, one that is not easily erased. It is Spirit speaking to spirit, and it comes with convincing force. A manifestation of an angel, or even of the Son of God himself, would impress the eye and mind, and eventually become dimmed, but the impressions of the Holy Ghost sink deeper into the soul and are more difficult to erase” -Joseph F. Smith

I just love this-because I know it to be true. Its like the concept of 'writing truth on your heart' or having it in the 'marrow of your bones'. My testimony has become this over the years-It is so much a part of who I am that daily I find all I want to do is be so much better. But unfortunately, I'm human and I have  a lot of inadequacies and flaws-the worst being my stubborn streak of independence. This has served me well in life-it pushed me away from home, through school, and to where I am now. However, I need so much to learn to bridle these stubborn acts of control and let others (most importantly God) have the opportunity to help me become better.

Its this desire that has been working up in my soul-because I am so busy that I don't make time to be led. My schedule is always packed-I 'go-go-go'. And that removes the opportunity for spontaneity, for increased study/reflection, and for service. Conference was so good for my soul-I felt like there were certain things that were said just for me (love it when the spirit does that). The thing is, I know that my personality and who I am will always be a little busy-but I'd rather be busy with the Lord's errand than my own.

So I decided to step back and re-evaluate where I am and where I can go. And as I did, my action plan started developing in my brain. I was inspired in part by Benjamin Franklin and George Albert Smith and in part by my friends Jessica and Andrea. I created a standard that I wanted for my life-words that I would want to be associated with me. Its like my own personal mission statement for my life. It was a great opportunity to really look inside myself and see what matters most to me. And since writing it out-everytime I hear one of the words, I just get this excitement running through me-I get to keep working on that and improving.

Somedays are better then others. Today was not as good. But luckily there is always an opportunity to keep doing better. And I love that I get those opportunities. (that we all get those opportunities)

Daisy Award

**Note, I am only doing this because I love my best friend and I don't want to let her down. (AHEM, even though she was supposed to make me something by the end of the year and never did...oh...unless you count all the honeybun cakes she made me...)

So this is the daisy award-which I received from Jessica. Apparently I am supposed to 7 strange/unknown/unusual things about myself. And then I pass it along to 3 other people. So here goes...


1. I secretly wish my life was a musical. There are days where I have my headphones in and I imagine that instead of walking, I'm actually dancing around with a group and singing about my mood.

2. I have an obsession with quotes. Especially ones related to the gospel. I can't get enough of them. Which is why I will always want hard copies of my favorite books-so that I can mark them up with my handwriting and underlining of the best quotes!

3. I'm deathly allergic to oranges. Its totally unusual and strange. Some of my closest friends have tried to kill me (after they already knew that I was allergic...ahem Jessica Donbrosky, Liz Brown, etc.)

4. I have a love/hate relationship with running. In my mind I love running-but then when I do it, I usually hate it. Unless I'm really stressed or emotional, then my body seems to break free and I LOVE running-fast, hard, until I want to puke. Then I don't want to run again for a very long time.

5. I am the only girl in my family-thus I am my mother's only daughter. I am also my grandmother's only grand-daughter and my great-grandmother's first great-granddaughter. On my Father's side, I am also my grandmother's only grand-daughter and my great-grandmother's first great-grandaughter.  Pretty neat to be the only girl on both sides.

6. My 'best-day' ever (thus far in life) was the day I took out my endowments in the temple. My second 'best-day' ever was the day I took my Grandma June's name through the temple. (As a side note, my 'adult-best-friend' Jessica was present for both of these days)

7. I have an obsession with YouTube videos, eyeshadow, and music. I'm working on self control-but I can't help myself sometimes. 'I like this one and this one and this one, NOT THIS ONE!'


So there you have it. They are random. Awkward. And very Amber.

Tags:

1. Alisha : She once picked up hitchhikers and drove them to Indianapolis-where she then stayed at their home and ate dinner with their Mom.

2. Brett : He loves toy-story (LOVES Toy Story) and has the most impressive dance moves I've ever seen-the boy can move his hips.

3. Lexi : The b-ball queen who once decided that she would get a little too 'physical' while blocking me. I loved her instantly.

Answered Prayers

My heart is so full as I sit down this morning to write this post-my tears of gratitude have not stopped much in the last 14+ hours. I don't even know how to express the depths of my gratitude-but I will surely try.

President Uchtdorf once said, 'Think of the purest, most all-consuming love you can imagine. Now multiply that love by an infinite amount-THAT is the measure of God's love for you.' That measure of God's love is what I have felt over and over again in my life. Its hard to admit, but there are moments where I feel I least deserve that love. Moments, where instead of turning to my Father and lying my hurts and frustrations at his feet, I instead turn away-partly out of feelings of inadequacy and partly because of fear. And in those moments, I find that the Lord wraps his arms around me and just reminds me of just how very much he loves me.

In the last 24 hours, I have felt those loving arms in full force. And the miracles that I have prayed for-for so very long-are starting to occur. I know God answers prayers. Its never on our time table-but His. I am so overwhelmed with emotions that I can't even get myself to type out a sentence. I know my Father lives. I know my Father loves me. And I know that he answers our prayers-every single one of them. I am so grateful for this.

Looking Outward

I was listening to President Holland's CES address this morning as I got ready for work and I had to stop the talk several times and write down thoughts. (My poor bathroom mirror is running out of room for these thoughts of mine) As the talk was finishing, I was overwhelmed with a desire to stay immersed in this moment of study and reflection. So, since I didn't have to be anywhere this morning, I decided to not rush out the door for work and instead picked up another talk by Elder Bednar that I've been wanting to read for a while. The talk, Developing Christlike Characteristics, was one Brother Facer quoted last week in our institute class.  (what follows are my thoughts about these two talks)

Character: the sum of the moral and mental qualities which distinguishes an individual. 

"Perhaps the greatest indicator of character is the capacity to recognize and appropriately respond to other people who are experiencing the very challenge or adversity that is most immediately and forcefully pressing upon us. Character is revealed, for example, in the power to discern the suffering of other people when we ourselves are suffering; in the ability to detect the hunger of others when we are hungry; and in the power to reach out and extend compassion for the spiritual agony of others when we are in the midst of our own spiritual distress. Thus, character is demonstrated by looking and reaching outward when the natural and instinctive response is to be self-absorbed and turn inward. If such a capacity is indeed the ultimate criterion of moral character, then the Savior of the world is the perfect example of such a consistent and charitable character."

• Thought #1: I can name countless people  whose character is manifested in their ability to turn outward. In fact if I think about my closest friends/family members or the people who inspire me most, they all have this trait/ability. Maybe not consistently-but enough to set an example. And I think it is their character that draws me to them-that challenges me to be the best version of myself. 
• Thought #2: I think I am drawn to people that emulate this paragraph because of that challenge to improve. I recognize completely that I have a long way to go and a lot to improve upon before I could ever measure up to the amazing people I surround myself with. 
• Thought #3: If the greatest indicator of character is my capacity to recognize and appropriately respond to other people who are experiencing the same challenges or adversity that I am...well then I've got a lot to improve upon cause my character in some of those situations is definitely weak. 
• Thought #4: My heart cannot contain the gratitude I feel for the atonement-for the ability to be able to repent and try again. I think of all the many ways in which I get it wrong before I finally get it right and I can't imagine how horrible it would be if I only had one chance. If all of us only had one chance-its humbling to be able to know and testify of the power of the atonement. To understand and recognize that it covers EVERYTHING. (And while I may never get it completely right, at least I have the opportunity to try)

'The Lord determines if and when we receive all spiritual gifts, but we must do all in our power to desire and yearn and invite and qualify for such gifts. As we increasingly act in a manner congruent with the character of Christ, then perhaps we are indicating to heaven in a most powerful manner our desire for the supernal spiritual gift of charity. And clearly we are being blessed with this marvelous gift as we increasingly reach outward when the natural man or woman in us would typically turn inward.' 

• Thought #5: I love this quote-much like I love the one from my previous entry. Because I love it when I know what it is that I am supposed to do-when I know how I am to act. (In fact some of the hardest moments of my life are when I have to just wait patiently-because instead I would rather be doing something) And I find it very interesting that as I have fought with this concept of waiting patiently for things to be revealed and for the pathway to become illuminated, I haven't understood what I was to do and instead I became frustrated over my perceived inability to be able to do something. And yet as I studied this morning, the answer was right there in front of my face (its probably been there the entire time...). I have the desire and I'm definitely yearning and inviting the opportunities, but I am not quite so sure that I have qualified myself completely for such gifts. And perhaps my next step is to focus outward instead of inward. 
• Thought #6 (the final thought): Like Elder Holland, when the Savior comes, "I so want to be caught living the gospel. I want to be surprised right in the act of spreading the faith and doing something good, if I can. I want the Savior to say to me '(Amber) I recognize you not by your title, but by your life the way you're trying to live and the standards you are trying to defend. I see the integrity of your heart. I know you tried to make things better-first and foremost by being better yourself and then by declaring my word and defending my gospel to others in the most compassionate way you could. I know you weren't always successful,' he will most certainly say, 'with your own sins or the circumstances of others-but I believe you honestly tried. I believe in your heart you truly loved me.'"

Oh man-brain dump...

"Don't judge yourself by what you understand of your potential. Trust in the Lord and what He can do with your dedicated heart and willing mind (see D&C 64:34). Order your life more effectively and eliminate trivia, meaningless detail, and activity. They waste the perishable, fixed, and limited resource of time. Choose to emphasize those matters that have an eternal consequence."Permanent, worthwhile growth is attainable, but not without great effort and the honest application of truth. Worthy accomplishment is founded in integrity. Righteousness is fundamental to happiness and desirable attainment. Righteousness is rooted in a pure heart. And indeed it protects one from contamination and the filth of the world. Righteous love is the supreme motivation for constructive change. The examples of our Father in Heaven and the Savior and Their teachings are the perfect source of motivation and direction for life."

-Richard G. Scott

I find that every time I have to prepare a lesson-it ends up being something I desperately need to learn in my own life. And because I'm pretty open about my flaws and faults-why not admit them again...

In the last few weeks, I have struggled with the concept of progression. I've tried to explain it and I never get it quite right-but I've decided to try again. As a single, latter-day saint I have made all the covenants that I can possibly make alone. And I recognize that every day is a new day for improvement and progression. But since I started my new institute class (dating and courtship), I feel as though in the grand scheme of things my ability to progress is now not dependent on just me. Which is very hard to accept as the stubborn, independent side of me peaks its head up.

So this is where my 'wrestle before the Lord' has had me over the last few weeks. I'm at another critical phase-another crossroad of life. Its time for me to start looking for faculty positions-to decide where I want to go with my career and ultimately my life. And I'm trying to figure out where to go-and how to best emphasize the matters that have an eternal consequence-but there are certain things that I have NO control over that would make my decisions a little bit easier to make. So as I have 'beat my head against the wall' created by myself and my crossroads, my perspective has become narrow and I have lacked the faith necessary to see the bigger picture.

And then, as I prepared two very different lessons, I found myself studying about potential. In those moments of study and reflection, I realized that there's a requirement to reach maximum potential: FAITH (or trust in God's plan and a willing heart/mind).

"Thus it is that our faith and trust in our Heavenly Father, so far as this mortal experience is concerned, consists not simply of faith and gladness that He exists, but is also a faith and trust that, if we are humble, He will tutor us, aiding our acquisition of needed attributes and experiences while we are in mortality. We trust not only the Designer but also His design of life itself, including our portion thereof!"

-Neal A. Maxwell

Love the moments where we are humbled through our own seeking-where the Lord sits back and says, 'I'm going to let Amber figure this one out on her own.' Its definitely a huge leap of faith to trust in the Lord's plan and timing-but I know its worth it (it always has been and it always will be). Sometimes though, I get in my own way-I put my face right up to the mountain and don't step back to see the way up. In those moments I need to remember to step back, evaluate the entire picture, and then choose to 'pick up a shovel' or 'get out of the way'!

"If you have faith enough to move a mountain; grab a shovel. If you have faith enough that the Lord can move a mountain; get out of the way!"

Facing the Future

A friend posted on his blog that 'the future was as bright as his faith.' This was a statement that hit a little harder today as I've reflected on some of the things I've been praying for and not understanding. And as I read it, I realized its time to get to work on my faith-and brighten up my future.

I've been in this state of disarray-a dismantling of sorts-over the past few months. Its weird cause it has been some of the most difficult experiences of my life and yet I have felt more joy and peace then ever before. And it just keeps happening-every turn there is a new lesson, a new way to improve and strengthen my faith. Its not easy-but its so worth it. I feel as though I'm living this dream life. I need to take moments (almost daily) and really focus that this is where I am and this is what is happening. I never thought in a million years that I could come this far-and yet I haven't even scratched the surface. This thought brings me such excitement for my future and an attitude of 'its all going to be worth it.' The perspective there is insane-its really incomprehensible at times cause I just don't believe enough.

Believe. Thats been my mantra for the past two months. Believe that this can happen. Believe in God's plan. Believe in yourself. Believe.

Then I paired it with my best friend's mantra, Remember. So now I have to remember to believe. And then this quote at Stake Conference today, which just resonated within my soul:

Why do we do what we do, when we know what we know? 

Why do I do what I do, when I know what I know?

Hm. I love it. In the words of Brother Facer, 'It tastes good.' As I heard this statement, I sat texting my best friend. Sharing with her my frustrations with myself and with my dim faith and she shared with me her own thoughts. And in that conversation, we both were resolved to pray for one another-to Believe, to remember, to increase our faith.

And here is the end of my brain dump for the night. Because after a great stake conference and a heart to heart with my best friend, there was an amazing fireside from President Holland. Where he bestowed one of the most beautiful apostolic blessings I have ever heard. And as he did so, he blessed all of us that 'your prayers in righteousness will be answered; that your personal fears will be lifted; that your backs, and your shoulders, and your hearts will be strong for the burdens that are placed upon them; I bless you as you strive to be pure in heart, offering yourselves as an instrument in the hands of God for establishing Zion in these latter-days every where you stand; I bless you to be true to each other and to those not of your circle to whom we should reach out; above that I bless you to be friends of the Savior of the world, to know him personally, and to have confidence in His company...I bless you with this hope for happiness and holiness tonight and tomorrow and forever.'

So to my best friend (hope and remember God loves you and NEEDS you) and to myself (lift your fears and believe in your righteous prayers). If that wasn't an answer to our prayers-I dunno what was.  

Think about the love inside the strength of heart

I had this elaborate post I wanted for my trip to the temple with Jessica but I waited to long. There was so much joy that day and such peace. More importantly it was a day with one of my best friends-specifically my soul sister. The reconnection was amazing and only solidified the depths of our friendship. (This friendship in no way invalidates the relationships between my three other best friends, however there is something unique and rare with this one) I am so very grateful for a person who is on their own journey-a journey that at first appearance may be very different and yet, on closer examinations it is obvious that they are entwined at certain points. I have known for quite sometime that there was an eternal nature to my friendship with Jessica-but this past trip really showed me just how much the Lord has played a role in our friendship. We are so different and we don't usually take the time to step outside our natures. And yet on every account, no matter how hard it may be in the moment, we've stepped up to the plate and accepted that the other person is worth it. 

You were strong and you believed

This past year has been a journey in itself. It felt like I was climbing uphill the entire time. In the dark and alone. And yet my perseverance only deepened (or maybe it was that I got more stubborn). But I was strong and I did believe. And somehow that was enough. Because when I finally turned it to the Lord-grace enfolded me safely in arms of a loving Father and the light began to shine through the dark. As I walked in the steps of my life in Richmond, I realized just how necessary this all was and I saw the hand of the Lord so very specifically in my life (even more then I had before). 

Let it all go, the life that you know

And there I saw, that while I will always carry the people with me wherever I go (certain ones of course forever and others may turn into just a memory), I don't necessarily need to go back. Because in all honesty, you can't go back or you shouldn't. We should only be moving forward. So as I listened to DH's mix for my trip, I realized that everything is going to be alright-better then that, life is going to be great-it already is. But its not on my terms or my time line-its on the Lords. And that's okay too. Because if I think about where I am now and where I've come from (stealing words from DH), I know that I'm doing pretty good and I can only get better if I keep it up. 

Want to make a change right here, right now

Want to live a life like you somehow

To make your sacrifice worth while

Be strong, believe