Facing the Future

A friend posted on his blog that 'the future was as bright as his faith.' This was a statement that hit a little harder today as I've reflected on some of the things I've been praying for and not understanding. And as I read it, I realized its time to get to work on my faith-and brighten up my future.

I've been in this state of disarray-a dismantling of sorts-over the past few months. Its weird cause it has been some of the most difficult experiences of my life and yet I have felt more joy and peace then ever before. And it just keeps happening-every turn there is a new lesson, a new way to improve and strengthen my faith. Its not easy-but its so worth it. I feel as though I'm living this dream life. I need to take moments (almost daily) and really focus that this is where I am and this is what is happening. I never thought in a million years that I could come this far-and yet I haven't even scratched the surface. This thought brings me such excitement for my future and an attitude of 'its all going to be worth it.' The perspective there is insane-its really incomprehensible at times cause I just don't believe enough.

Believe. Thats been my mantra for the past two months. Believe that this can happen. Believe in God's plan. Believe in yourself. Believe.

Then I paired it with my best friend's mantra, Remember. So now I have to remember to believe. And then this quote at Stake Conference today, which just resonated within my soul:

Why do we do what we do, when we know what we know? 

Why do I do what I do, when I know what I know?

Hm. I love it. In the words of Brother Facer, 'It tastes good.' As I heard this statement, I sat texting my best friend. Sharing with her my frustrations with myself and with my dim faith and she shared with me her own thoughts. And in that conversation, we both were resolved to pray for one another-to Believe, to remember, to increase our faith.

And here is the end of my brain dump for the night. Because after a great stake conference and a heart to heart with my best friend, there was an amazing fireside from President Holland. Where he bestowed one of the most beautiful apostolic blessings I have ever heard. And as he did so, he blessed all of us that 'your prayers in righteousness will be answered; that your personal fears will be lifted; that your backs, and your shoulders, and your hearts will be strong for the burdens that are placed upon them; I bless you as you strive to be pure in heart, offering yourselves as an instrument in the hands of God for establishing Zion in these latter-days every where you stand; I bless you to be true to each other and to those not of your circle to whom we should reach out; above that I bless you to be friends of the Savior of the world, to know him personally, and to have confidence in His company...I bless you with this hope for happiness and holiness tonight and tomorrow and forever.'

So to my best friend (hope and remember God loves you and NEEDS you) and to myself (lift your fears and believe in your righteous prayers). If that wasn't an answer to our prayers-I dunno what was.  

Think about the love inside the strength of heart

I had this elaborate post I wanted for my trip to the temple with Jessica but I waited to long. There was so much joy that day and such peace. More importantly it was a day with one of my best friends-specifically my soul sister. The reconnection was amazing and only solidified the depths of our friendship. (This friendship in no way invalidates the relationships between my three other best friends, however there is something unique and rare with this one) I am so very grateful for a person who is on their own journey-a journey that at first appearance may be very different and yet, on closer examinations it is obvious that they are entwined at certain points. I have known for quite sometime that there was an eternal nature to my friendship with Jessica-but this past trip really showed me just how much the Lord has played a role in our friendship. We are so different and we don't usually take the time to step outside our natures. And yet on every account, no matter how hard it may be in the moment, we've stepped up to the plate and accepted that the other person is worth it. 

You were strong and you believed

This past year has been a journey in itself. It felt like I was climbing uphill the entire time. In the dark and alone. And yet my perseverance only deepened (or maybe it was that I got more stubborn). But I was strong and I did believe. And somehow that was enough. Because when I finally turned it to the Lord-grace enfolded me safely in arms of a loving Father and the light began to shine through the dark. As I walked in the steps of my life in Richmond, I realized just how necessary this all was and I saw the hand of the Lord so very specifically in my life (even more then I had before). 

Let it all go, the life that you know

And there I saw, that while I will always carry the people with me wherever I go (certain ones of course forever and others may turn into just a memory), I don't necessarily need to go back. Because in all honesty, you can't go back or you shouldn't. We should only be moving forward. So as I listened to DH's mix for my trip, I realized that everything is going to be alright-better then that, life is going to be great-it already is. But its not on my terms or my time line-its on the Lords. And that's okay too. Because if I think about where I am now and where I've come from (stealing words from DH), I know that I'm doing pretty good and I can only get better if I keep it up. 

Want to make a change right here, right now

Want to live a life like you somehow

To make your sacrifice worth while

Be strong, believe

Accentuate the Positive

I have this new friend here in Texas and he is quite possibly one of the most optimistic and positive people I've ever met (especially in a male body). I've really enjoyed observing and getting to know him over the past few weeks because just when I think he can't surprise me anymore, he does. He chooses to see things in a positive light and to really find peace with his course of life. The other night he stated, "I look at my grandparents and I think to myself, 'I can be that great in 65 years if I just keep going'."

I have another friend in Texas who is also one of the happiest people I've ever met. She avoids complaining like it was the plague because she feels its better in life to have joy. She understands there is a need to vent, but when it comes to complaining it is something she just doesn't do. She also sees good in every situation, every person, everything. Her disposition is that of happiness and her face truly reflects joy. 

One last friend, has a natural strength for 'positivity'. Everyday, as we communicate through text/FaceTime/emails, I find that she's always influencing my train of thinking or the way in which I relate my feelings about a topic. Her natural need for positivity helps me to step back from a situation and recognize the good all around. 

Its interesting to observe and interact with these friends. Each, in their own way, has been shaping and molding this own desire of my heart to become more content with the world around me. Luckily, each of them is a safe person-someone that I feel I can trust (which is amazing if you know anything about me!). I find that I want to spend more time around them, to learn more about how they choose this better perspective, and to start changing my own responses and perspectives. 

I'm not necessarily a negative person-I don't like those feelings, however I recognize that most of my life has been about preparing myself for disasters which results in a more pessimistic outlook. But I also recognize that as I continue to progress in life, I have this intense desire to have more contentment, more peace, and more joy. Because that's what God's plan is all about-that beautiful Plan of Happiness. 

I've got a long way to go on this journey-but it really is just what I need and I am so excited to progress this way. I'm grateful for new friends, who are positive and good-who challenge me to be better. I'm grateful for the ability to trust them and to open myself to their influence. And I'm really grateful for the opportunity to 'accentuate the positive' in my own life. 

"I come to you tonight with a plea that we stop seeking out the storms and enjoy more fully the sunlight. I am suggesting that as we go through life we try to 'accentuate the positive.' I am asking that we look a little deeper for the good, that we still our voices of insult and sarcasm, that we more generously compliment virtue and effort. Now I am not asking that all criticism be silenced. Growth comes of correction. Strength comes of repentance. Wise is the man or woman who can acknowledge mistakes pointed out by others and change his or her course. What I am suggesting is that you turn from the negativism that so permeates our modern society and look for the remarkable good among those with whom you associate, that we speak of one another's virtues more than we speak of one another's faults, that optimism replace pessimism, that our faith exceed our fears. When I was a young man and was prone to speak critically, my wise father would say: 'Cynics do not contribute. Skeptics do not create. Doubters do not achieve.' "

-President Gordon B. Hinckley

*I'm not trying, but I can't stop smiling

Have you ever just taken the time to step back from life and just observe your life with gratitude? If not, you should do it. It changes your perspective and teaches you a lot about life.

Life is by no means perfect and as always there are little frustrations or annoyances. But I am at peace. I emailed my best friend Jessica today (6 days until I see her beautiful face!) and as I was responding to some things I was able to reflect on the path my life has taken and I just felt overwhelming gratitude.

Determination

I shot for the sky-I'm stuck on the ground. So why do I try? I know I'm gonna fall down. I thought I could fly-so why did I drown. I'll never know why, its coming down.

I'm not ready to let go cause then I'll never know what I could be missing. But I'm missing way to much, so when do I give up on what I've been wishing for?

I don't want to hear the sound of losing what I never found.

“God expects you to have enough faith and determination and enough trust in Him to keep moving, keep living, keep rejoicing."

Dreamin', and hopin', and wishin'

And most importantly, BELIEVING!!!

“God expects you to have enough faith and determination and enough trust in Him to keep moving, keep living, keep rejoicing. In fact, He expects you not simply to face the future (that sounds pretty grim and stoic); He expects you to embrace and shape the future--to love it and rejoice in it and delight in your opportunities.“God is anxiously waiting for the chance to answer your prayers and fulfill your dreams, just as He always has. But He can’t if you don’t pray, and He can’t if you don’t dream. In short, He can’t if you don’t believe.”--Jeffery R. Holland (Mark 11:22-26) ♥

Choosing the Right

"Remember that the mantle of leadership is not the cloak of comfort, but the robe of responsibility. Accountability is not for the intention but for the deed. You must continue to refuse to compromise with expediency. You must maintain the courage to defy the consensus. You must continue to choose the harder right, instead of the easier wrong."

Wow. What a ride the last week has been-where do I even start? I am quite certain I say all the time how in awe I am of the Lord's hand in my life-but I have no additional words for it. It just amazes me that this perfect being who can see everything cares enough about me to push me so hard to become this better part.

This past week was no different. Starting last wednesday until today, the Lord was teaching me. Revelation has never been so loud or apparent in my life as it was over these few days. And while most of the things are too personal for a blog like this-I can say that I have learned some very valuable lessons.

When I look back on my life, I think about all the different tactics I used to survive and succeed. And those tactics worked-they got me to where I am now. Over the years, I have built walls up to protect myself and allow myself to function in the most extreme situations. And yet, now I am at this critical phase of life (and it all ties into my theme for the year) where I am trying to make the transition from surviving to thriving. But one cannot thrive with walls-one cannot have a completely broken heart and a contrite spirit if they keep people out and protect themselves from vulnerability.

“It's the heart afraid of breaking that never learns to dance. It is the dream afraid of waking that never takes the chance. It is the one who won't be taken who cannot seem to give. And the soul afraid of dying that never learns to live.”

And so this is my newest challenge (only not so new, considering its my theme for the year)-to break down these old walls and open myself up. Its not going to be easy-I've already learned that it can be quite painful (OUCH x 1000). And yet, as my heart has started cracking wide open (okay, being forced to crack wide open...) I have had these amazing experiences and I find myself standing back (yes, in awe) and thinking just how much is in store for me on this journey.

I watched 17 Miracles this past Sunday (*sigh*) and as I watched all the many things those saints had to go through, I thought to myself-it was worth it for them and its worth it for you. I was so touched by the lyrics of the song from that movie and I've pretty much listened to it on repeat for 2 days now. I love every single line-it says exactly what I want to emulate on this journey of life-on MY journey cause its the only one I get.

Savior, Redeemer of my soul,
Whose mighty hand hath made me whole,
Whose wondrous pow’r hath raised me up
And filled with sweet my bitter cup!
What tongue my gratitude can tell,
O gracious God of Israel.

Never can I repay thee, Lord,
But I can love thee. Thy pure word,
Hath it not been my one delight,
My joy by day, my dream by night?
Then let my lips proclaim it still,
And all my life reflect thy will.

O’errule mine acts to serve thine ends.
Change frowning foes to smiling friends.
Chasten my soul till I shall be
In perfect harmony with thee.
Make me more worthy of thy love,
And fit me for the life above.