Choosing the Right

"Remember that the mantle of leadership is not the cloak of comfort, but the robe of responsibility. Accountability is not for the intention but for the deed. You must continue to refuse to compromise with expediency. You must maintain the courage to defy the consensus. You must continue to choose the harder right, instead of the easier wrong."

Wow. What a ride the last week has been-where do I even start? I am quite certain I say all the time how in awe I am of the Lord's hand in my life-but I have no additional words for it. It just amazes me that this perfect being who can see everything cares enough about me to push me so hard to become this better part.

This past week was no different. Starting last wednesday until today, the Lord was teaching me. Revelation has never been so loud or apparent in my life as it was over these few days. And while most of the things are too personal for a blog like this-I can say that I have learned some very valuable lessons.

When I look back on my life, I think about all the different tactics I used to survive and succeed. And those tactics worked-they got me to where I am now. Over the years, I have built walls up to protect myself and allow myself to function in the most extreme situations. And yet, now I am at this critical phase of life (and it all ties into my theme for the year) where I am trying to make the transition from surviving to thriving. But one cannot thrive with walls-one cannot have a completely broken heart and a contrite spirit if they keep people out and protect themselves from vulnerability.

“It's the heart afraid of breaking that never learns to dance. It is the dream afraid of waking that never takes the chance. It is the one who won't be taken who cannot seem to give. And the soul afraid of dying that never learns to live.”

And so this is my newest challenge (only not so new, considering its my theme for the year)-to break down these old walls and open myself up. Its not going to be easy-I've already learned that it can be quite painful (OUCH x 1000). And yet, as my heart has started cracking wide open (okay, being forced to crack wide open...) I have had these amazing experiences and I find myself standing back (yes, in awe) and thinking just how much is in store for me on this journey.

I watched 17 Miracles this past Sunday (*sigh*) and as I watched all the many things those saints had to go through, I thought to myself-it was worth it for them and its worth it for you. I was so touched by the lyrics of the song from that movie and I've pretty much listened to it on repeat for 2 days now. I love every single line-it says exactly what I want to emulate on this journey of life-on MY journey cause its the only one I get.

Savior, Redeemer of my soul,
Whose mighty hand hath made me whole,
Whose wondrous pow’r hath raised me up
And filled with sweet my bitter cup!
What tongue my gratitude can tell,
O gracious God of Israel.

Never can I repay thee, Lord,
But I can love thee. Thy pure word,
Hath it not been my one delight,
My joy by day, my dream by night?
Then let my lips proclaim it still,
And all my life reflect thy will.

O’errule mine acts to serve thine ends.
Change frowning foes to smiling friends.
Chasten my soul till I shall be
In perfect harmony with thee.
Make me more worthy of thy love,
And fit me for the life above.

Hard Lessons (to be continued)

I have so much to write-so much to record so that I don't forget these lessons I've learned in the last 48 hours (and over these last few months). I told a friend today that I felt like my last semester of institute solidified my foundation of faith (we studied lectures on faith). And since then all these things keep happening that at one time had the potential to break my foundation of faith, but that no longer have any power over my faith.

But that doesn't make the trials any less painful (don't get me wrong-I'm so very grateful for every single one of them).

Tonight I'm also grateful for the friends who stepped in and lightened my load-whether it was through witty banter that made me laugh (CR) or a 'FaceTime getting ready' moment, followed by multiple conversations and rational insight (AR), or a trip to the temple and a subway dinner complete with tears from start to finish (AS), or emails filled with words of love and honesty (JD).  And I am ultimately grateful that Heavenly Father cares enough about me to give me these lessons-to create these growing pains.

But with all that, I still have some courage to pull from within.  Even though I'm hurting, I ultimately have to buck up, look up, and step up. Because despite it all I have my faith and that brings me peace and joy.

Taking Time for the Important Things

This was my lesson from the past weekend. I realized last night that I had left nothing for myself and nothing for Heavenly Father (see post). And as I dreamt about it and then pondered it throughout the day, I realized I spend so much time trying to please other people that I forget the one being I am supposed to please-God. (and with that, ultimately my own soul)

Today I read this from President Monson (love that MAN!): 'In this fast-paced life, do we ever pause for moments of meditation—even thoughts of timeless truths?'

Amazing right-I'd already figured it out on my own and then the Spirit confirms it. I seriously love how the gospel works in life. Because after I thought and pondered all day, we go to FHE and have a lesson on 2 Nephi Chapter 4 (and I quote):

20 My God hath been my ^asupport; he hath led me through mine^bafflictions in the wilderness; and he hath preserved me upon the waters of the great deep.

 21 He hath filled me with his ^alove, even unto the ^bconsuming of my flesh.

 22 He hath confounded mine ^aenemies, unto the causing of them to quake before me.

 23 Behold, he hath heard my cry by day, and he hath given me^aknowledge by ^bvisions in the night-time.

 24 And by day have I waxed bold in mighty ^aprayer before him; yea, my voice have I sent up on high; and angels came down and ministered unto me.

 25 And upon the wings of his Spirit hath my body been ^acarriedaway upon exceedingly high mountains. And mine eyes have beheld great things, yea, even too great for man; therefore I was bidden that I should not write them.

 26 O then, if I have seen so great things, if the Lord in his condescension unto the children of men hath ^avisited men in so much ^bmercy, ^cwhy should my ^dheart weep and my soul linger in the valley of sorrow, and my flesh waste away, and my strength slacken, because of mine afflictions?

 27 And why should I ^ayield to sin, because of my flesh? Yea, why should I give way to ^btemptations, that the evil one have place in my heart to destroy my ^cpeace and afflict my soul? Why am I^dangry because of mine enemy?

 28 Awake, my soul! No longer ^adroop in sin. Rejoice, O my heart, and give place no more for the ^benemy of my soul.

RIGHT?! (I really don't know if anyone is even reading this, but if you are I hope you just had the same (or a similar) smack to the forehead moment!)

So at FHE, I actually then took this back to President Holland's talk, 'No Place for the Enemy of my Soul', and explained how important it is for us to first 'Like Joseph in the presence of Potiphar’s wife, just run—run as far away as you can get from whatever or whoever it is that beguiles you. And please, when fleeing the scene of temptation, do not leave a forwarding address.' He then talks about how important it is to seek guidance from our leaders. I love this thought of counsel and guidance from our leaders-it's why they are called and even though it may seem like the most minute problem-seeking their guidance will provide you with some sort of direction. Remember that Elder Boyd K. Packer taught that "spirituality, while consummately strong, reacts to very delicate changes in its environment."

So what am I really getting at here, well for me its something different then what you may find-but here's my answer anyways. What I have realized is that in my race to do EVERYTHING, I ultimately spend all my time trying to please another person. And I forget that there is really only one being to please (GOD). It doesn't matter how much I try to please others, there will always be someone (or multiple someones) that whatever you do-it will never be good enough. But that isn't the case with our Father in Heaven-that is not how He operates. Instead, our Heavenly Father takes whatever minute acts we can give him in the moment and then pours blessings out upon our heads. Does he want our absolute best? ABSOLUTELY! But does he accept less? EVERY TIME-because the atonement makes up for all the rest. And so for me-my focus is changing: I am going work on spending my time pleasing Heavenly Father-because as I do I will still find ways to love and serve others, I will still do my absolute best to magnify my callings, and I will try to help others along the way. But I won't be accountable to them or be responsible for pleasing them, because my focus will be centered on God's opinion. I'm confident in my knowledge that as I please my Father in Heaven, I will find ways to bless others (without being worried about pleasing them).

Those are my thoughts on the lesson I learned this week.

Loving in Halves

“There is nothing I would not do for those who are really my friends. I have no notion of loving people by halves, it is not my nature.” 

Jane Austen, Northanger Abbey

I found this quote the other day and instantly loved it-because I felt like it summed me up completely.  It is not, nor has it ever been, my nature to love people by halves. In fact, its not my nature to love anything by halves.

Since finding this quote, I have really continued to think about what it is that causes a person to love something completely. I don't have an answer for you-or even for myself. What I have found though is a quote from Elder Nelson:

'Our spirits existed in the pre-mortal realm and will continue to live after the body dies. The spirit provides the body with animation and personality. In this life and in the next, spirit and body, when joined together, become a living soul of supernal worth.' 

I love this because to me it says that the animation and personality I have now, is not something that was developed here, in this life. Instead, these traits of mine are things that I have always had and for that I am forever grateful. Because as hard as it is to love as fiercely and completely as I do at times, I am so very grateful that I have been given this gift.

So my answer, in part, is that Heavenly Father gives us the capacity to love something in halves or completely. And I know that anything given from Heavenly Father is a gift and a treasure.

'Thanks Be to God'

I just woke up from a two hour nap (the deep, unconscious sleep that always consumes my body after a  busy week) and now my house is filling with the smell of my amazing banana bread (seriously-its one of the best things I make). While I was sitting here, I decided it was time for a post-a very specific post. 

My life is so beautiful and I am in complete awe of it all. I feel as though I am oozing with sappiness and as I write this I need to be completely clear that this is so much more then that-that I am speaking from my heart. I am beyond grateful. Right now-I feel as though I have been given a rare gift in this life and it only keeps getting better. 

That gift is the glimpse of God's hand in my life. Not just at a single moment-but every step of the way. I can say, without a shadow of a doubt, that Heavenly Father has a specific plan for me (for each of us) in this life. I don't understand the logistics or how its possible for us to have agency, but still have a specific plan. All I know is that God is fully present in my life and that I am blessed-beyond blessed.

I taught a relief society lesson today (GULP). I was so terrified and I am pretty certain that I was soaked through my clothes from all the sweating I was doing. But I made it through (or better yet, the spirit took over and taught the lesson that was needed). My lesson was focused completely on happiness-specificially its role in our lives and developing it as a lasting feeling in our lives-even in the midst of hard trials and black days. 

There is so much that I have learned through my time in Texas-so much growth that was absolutely necessary. It was so hard and painful at times-I second guessed myself and questioned my very self as a person-but I have seen how beautifully necessary it all was. And it is this knowledge (this gift) that makes me recognize that in life we will always have dark days and trials, but knowing that God has a plan-a specific plan for me-gives me peace and comfort and ultimately, happiness. 

I spoke with my PapaBear, my Dad, Heather Anne-and as I spoke to each of them I shared how I am happy right now-truly happy. Does that mean my life is perfect?! HA! FAR FROM IT! I still have struggles, I still have hard days (dark days), and I know that there is so very much about myself that I have to work on and improve to become a better person. Yet with all of that, the foundation of my faith has been laid and I know just how much my Father in Heaven loves me (and each of us). I know that there is a plan in life and that each trial provides necessary molding and growth. And I am looking forward to the trials ahead, because I am excited and grateful to see what else I can learn about God and his plan for me. 

“The saints should always remember that God sees not as man sees; that he does not willingly afflict his children, and that if he requires them to endure present privation and trial, it is that they may escape greater tribulations which would otherwise inevitably overtake them. If He deprives them of any present blessing, it is that he may bestow upon them greater and more glorious ones by-and by.”  George Q. Cannon

Thoughts tonight

**I am going to be honest in this post**

My life is so great right now-absolutely amazing. I'm running myself ragged between my two jobs, my two callings, my attempts at a social live, and my need to obtain 4+ hours of sleep each night! (seriously-why do I have to sleep) I had a wonderful vacation to Arizona and Utah at the beginning of July. I was in absolute awe of the beauty of God's world-the trip restored my peace of mind, peace of soul, and filled up my cup.

Tonight at institute we studied 2 talks-the first was Russell M. Nelson's 'Thanks Be To God'. I loved this talk because I feel such intense gratitude-especially recently. Its like every time I take a minute to pause, I recognize just how strong the Lord's presence is in my life. I am definitely clay in the potter's hand.

And then comes the realization that I have so far to go and so much to improve upon. The second talk, President Uctdorf's, is like a kick in the stomach every time I read it. I love this talk and yet it causes my heart to just ache as I listen/read it. The concept of forgiveness is something that I have been struggling with for these last few months.

I met with my institute leader tonight, to just talk about the things I have to forgive and the place that I find myself at now. His insight into forgiveness is awe-inspiring. We talked about how there are these great stories in the gospel about the amish forgiving a shooter or the father who forgives the drunk teenager that took away his family. But then Facer turned it and said, these cases are easy. You can forgive a stranger, but what about those who were supposed to protect you, to love you, to stand by your side-what about those who betray you? His opinion is that only few people will ever truly have to understand this level of forgiveness (gulp).

We then read Matthew 5:47. And discussed how to 'pray for them that despitefully use you', 'bless them that curse you', etc. And now my homework kicks in-cause I have to do this for a week. And its not that I don't think I can do it-I'm a doer, I get things done. I just need to find a way to stop apologizing and feeling guilty for the things I can't control.

Sometimes I think that in forgiveness, we also have to find a peaceful center, a shade of grey if you will. Cause black-the other person is guilty and I am completely justified AND white-I should have been what they wanted me to be (even though thats impossible) just don't really paint the picture appropriately. Instead you find the grey-you say yeah the other person was wrong and I can forgive them, but I don't have to punish myself for their actions.

I dunno if any of this really makes sense. It did at one point, but now I think I'm turning into mush. All I know is that I logically know I need to forgive. I also know that I don't have to try and become something I'm not for another person's happiness. So I guess you could say-I'm working on my grey....

Heaven

Or something remarkably close. 

Sorry for falling off the planet-I'll have a better update soon...