**I am going to be honest in this post**
My life is so great right now-absolutely amazing. I'm running myself ragged between my two jobs, my two callings, my attempts at a social live, and my need to obtain 4+ hours of sleep each night! (seriously-why do I have to sleep) I had a wonderful vacation to Arizona and Utah at the beginning of July. I was in absolute awe of the beauty of God's world-the trip restored my peace of mind, peace of soul, and filled up my cup.
Tonight at institute we studied 2 talks-the first was Russell M. Nelson's 'Thanks Be To God'. I loved this talk because I feel such intense gratitude-especially recently. Its like every time I take a minute to pause, I recognize just how strong the Lord's presence is in my life. I am definitely clay in the potter's hand.
And then comes the realization that I have so far to go and so much to improve upon. The second talk, President Uctdorf's, is like a kick in the stomach every time I read it. I love this talk and yet it causes my heart to just ache as I listen/read it. The concept of forgiveness is something that I have been struggling with for these last few months.
I met with my institute leader tonight, to just talk about the things I have to forgive and the place that I find myself at now. His insight into forgiveness is awe-inspiring. We talked about how there are these great stories in the gospel about the amish forgiving a shooter or the father who forgives the drunk teenager that took away his family. But then Facer turned it and said, these cases are easy. You can forgive a stranger, but what about those who were supposed to protect you, to love you, to stand by your side-what about those who betray you? His opinion is that only few people will ever truly have to understand this level of forgiveness (gulp).
We then read Matthew 5:47. And discussed how to 'pray for them that despitefully use you', 'bless them that curse you', etc. And now my homework kicks in-cause I have to do this for a week. And its not that I don't think I can do it-I'm a doer, I get things done. I just need to find a way to stop apologizing and feeling guilty for the things I can't control.
Sometimes I think that in forgiveness, we also have to find a peaceful center, a shade of grey if you will. Cause black-the other person is guilty and I am completely justified AND white-I should have been what they wanted me to be (even though thats impossible) just don't really paint the picture appropriately. Instead you find the grey-you say yeah the other person was wrong and I can forgive them, but I don't have to punish myself for their actions.
I dunno if any of this really makes sense. It did at one point, but now I think I'm turning into mush. All I know is that I logically know I need to forgive. I also know that I don't have to try and become something I'm not for another person's happiness. So I guess you could say-I'm working on my grey....
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2 comments:
Forgiveness and letting go are things that I don't think I quite understand yet. I do think they have something to do with a soft squishy heart. But more than that is left to be determined, because the more I learn about forgiveness the more I realize I do not know.
I don't know how many people actually stop and think about what Matthew 5:44 is actually saying, but it is a very tall order. And if they did, would they then think that they have actually had to experience it. I truly wonder if those to whom it seems easy, quick, or even flippant to forgive or "let it go" have ever experienced the unmendable, real hate or persecution, or heaven forbid being maliciously used.
I do recognize that whatever a person's expereince I'm sure it was neither easy nor quick at the time, but I have a really hard time with believing that someone really knows what they are talking about when they talk about just "letting it go". It can be much more complicated and convoluted, much more deep and with longer lasting affects than to receive a simple "oh well" or a good nights sleep and be over it. That is just the truth about some things. Things have to heal too. And that takes many things, time included.
Forgiveness is not a one-size-fits-all method. It doesn't really work that way to tell someone to get over something or let it go. Because wounds are different, and their process of healing is different.
Some would probably disagree with me and think that one only need to focus on the Savior and let him take care of it. People are entitled to their opinion, but to those I would pose this: what exactly does that mean and what does that look like? What are some practical action items behind that statement and what happens when I still have pain after checking everything off the list? How do you just "let it go"? And where do you just "let it go"? I reiterate that forgiveness is not a one-size-fits-all method. And it is certainly not a method of vague and oft-repeated Mormon jargon. It is something very real, and very real world.
And besides that forgiveness looks different at different times and in different circumstances.
Facer is right, forgiving a stranger is a different brand of forgiveness, and not everyone is required to participate in the alternative.
Boy I'm a windbag about this....
from one who said it better than me:
"To keep our heart soft is to keep it pure. Jesus, in the sermon on the mount, said it this way:
"Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God."
The real issue of having a soft or pure heart is vision. A soft and pure heart will see God differently - clearer. The hard embittered heart is clouded at best and unable to see God clearly. You see, the heart is that place where we see God ... keeping it soft is the essence of knowing and seeing God in a wonderful way."
from:
http://redeemed.kansasbob.com/2007/06/thick-skin-soft-heart.html
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