Loving in Halves

“There is nothing I would not do for those who are really my friends. I have no notion of loving people by halves, it is not my nature.” 

Jane Austen, Northanger Abbey

I found this quote the other day and instantly loved it-because I felt like it summed me up completely.  It is not, nor has it ever been, my nature to love people by halves. In fact, its not my nature to love anything by halves.

Since finding this quote, I have really continued to think about what it is that causes a person to love something completely. I don't have an answer for you-or even for myself. What I have found though is a quote from Elder Nelson:

'Our spirits existed in the pre-mortal realm and will continue to live after the body dies. The spirit provides the body with animation and personality. In this life and in the next, spirit and body, when joined together, become a living soul of supernal worth.' 

I love this because to me it says that the animation and personality I have now, is not something that was developed here, in this life. Instead, these traits of mine are things that I have always had and for that I am forever grateful. Because as hard as it is to love as fiercely and completely as I do at times, I am so very grateful that I have been given this gift.

So my answer, in part, is that Heavenly Father gives us the capacity to love something in halves or completely. And I know that anything given from Heavenly Father is a gift and a treasure.

'Thanks Be to God'

I just woke up from a two hour nap (the deep, unconscious sleep that always consumes my body after a  busy week) and now my house is filling with the smell of my amazing banana bread (seriously-its one of the best things I make). While I was sitting here, I decided it was time for a post-a very specific post. 

My life is so beautiful and I am in complete awe of it all. I feel as though I am oozing with sappiness and as I write this I need to be completely clear that this is so much more then that-that I am speaking from my heart. I am beyond grateful. Right now-I feel as though I have been given a rare gift in this life and it only keeps getting better. 

That gift is the glimpse of God's hand in my life. Not just at a single moment-but every step of the way. I can say, without a shadow of a doubt, that Heavenly Father has a specific plan for me (for each of us) in this life. I don't understand the logistics or how its possible for us to have agency, but still have a specific plan. All I know is that God is fully present in my life and that I am blessed-beyond blessed.

I taught a relief society lesson today (GULP). I was so terrified and I am pretty certain that I was soaked through my clothes from all the sweating I was doing. But I made it through (or better yet, the spirit took over and taught the lesson that was needed). My lesson was focused completely on happiness-specificially its role in our lives and developing it as a lasting feeling in our lives-even in the midst of hard trials and black days. 

There is so much that I have learned through my time in Texas-so much growth that was absolutely necessary. It was so hard and painful at times-I second guessed myself and questioned my very self as a person-but I have seen how beautifully necessary it all was. And it is this knowledge (this gift) that makes me recognize that in life we will always have dark days and trials, but knowing that God has a plan-a specific plan for me-gives me peace and comfort and ultimately, happiness. 

I spoke with my PapaBear, my Dad, Heather Anne-and as I spoke to each of them I shared how I am happy right now-truly happy. Does that mean my life is perfect?! HA! FAR FROM IT! I still have struggles, I still have hard days (dark days), and I know that there is so very much about myself that I have to work on and improve to become a better person. Yet with all of that, the foundation of my faith has been laid and I know just how much my Father in Heaven loves me (and each of us). I know that there is a plan in life and that each trial provides necessary molding and growth. And I am looking forward to the trials ahead, because I am excited and grateful to see what else I can learn about God and his plan for me. 

“The saints should always remember that God sees not as man sees; that he does not willingly afflict his children, and that if he requires them to endure present privation and trial, it is that they may escape greater tribulations which would otherwise inevitably overtake them. If He deprives them of any present blessing, it is that he may bestow upon them greater and more glorious ones by-and by.”  George Q. Cannon

Thoughts tonight

**I am going to be honest in this post**

My life is so great right now-absolutely amazing. I'm running myself ragged between my two jobs, my two callings, my attempts at a social live, and my need to obtain 4+ hours of sleep each night! (seriously-why do I have to sleep) I had a wonderful vacation to Arizona and Utah at the beginning of July. I was in absolute awe of the beauty of God's world-the trip restored my peace of mind, peace of soul, and filled up my cup.

Tonight at institute we studied 2 talks-the first was Russell M. Nelson's 'Thanks Be To God'. I loved this talk because I feel such intense gratitude-especially recently. Its like every time I take a minute to pause, I recognize just how strong the Lord's presence is in my life. I am definitely clay in the potter's hand.

And then comes the realization that I have so far to go and so much to improve upon. The second talk, President Uctdorf's, is like a kick in the stomach every time I read it. I love this talk and yet it causes my heart to just ache as I listen/read it. The concept of forgiveness is something that I have been struggling with for these last few months.

I met with my institute leader tonight, to just talk about the things I have to forgive and the place that I find myself at now. His insight into forgiveness is awe-inspiring. We talked about how there are these great stories in the gospel about the amish forgiving a shooter or the father who forgives the drunk teenager that took away his family. But then Facer turned it and said, these cases are easy. You can forgive a stranger, but what about those who were supposed to protect you, to love you, to stand by your side-what about those who betray you? His opinion is that only few people will ever truly have to understand this level of forgiveness (gulp).

We then read Matthew 5:47. And discussed how to 'pray for them that despitefully use you', 'bless them that curse you', etc. And now my homework kicks in-cause I have to do this for a week. And its not that I don't think I can do it-I'm a doer, I get things done. I just need to find a way to stop apologizing and feeling guilty for the things I can't control.

Sometimes I think that in forgiveness, we also have to find a peaceful center, a shade of grey if you will. Cause black-the other person is guilty and I am completely justified AND white-I should have been what they wanted me to be (even though thats impossible) just don't really paint the picture appropriately. Instead you find the grey-you say yeah the other person was wrong and I can forgive them, but I don't have to punish myself for their actions.

I dunno if any of this really makes sense. It did at one point, but now I think I'm turning into mush. All I know is that I logically know I need to forgive. I also know that I don't have to try and become something I'm not for another person's happiness. So I guess you could say-I'm working on my grey....

Heaven

Or something remarkably close. 

Sorry for falling off the planet-I'll have a better update soon...

Thoughts-Better Said with a Song

My heart's not ready for the rocking chair
I need somebody who really cares
So tired of living solitaire
Someday I'm gonna be 
Safe In The Arms Of Love

Strip your heart and it starts to snow
Love is a high-wire act I know
Someday I'll find a net below

Someday I'm gonna be
Safe In The Arms Of Love
Safe In The Arms Of Love

I want arms that know how to rock me
Safe In The Arms Of Love
I wanna fall and know that love as caught me
Safe In The Arms Of Love
Safe In The Arms Of Love

I want a heart to be forever mine
Want eyes to see me satisfied
Gonna hang my heartaches out to dry
Someday I'm gonna be safe in the arms of love
Safe In The Arms Of Love

Prayer

Prayer is a wonderful blessing that we enjoy in these times of stress and uncertainty to feel sure of divine guidance, to have absolute faith in a personal God who is interested in us and who hears and answers our prayers.


Prayer is a power. It has an influence that comparatively few people seem to understand. …How many are there in this Church who do not know that they have the right, the absolute right, to pray to their Father in heaven, and ask Him to take from them their distress and lead them to contentment and happiness?

The power of prayer is something that cannot be measured. 


-Prophet George Albert Smith 

We are fragile, we are human

"We are shaped by the light we let through us"

I am in complete awe of my life. I am in complete awe of my loving Father in Heaven.  I went through something very difficult recently and in the midst of everything I was overwhelmed with shame, with regrets, with bitterness, with sadness, with loss, with physical and emotional pain, and with so many more emotions.  I am not trying to be dramatic-this is just the raw truth.  And yet in all the chaos of the moment, an internal peace centered within my core.  I didn't reach out to others the way I have before-I didn't look for people to console me or to 'take my side'.  Instead, I told a minimal amount of people and fell to my knees.

There is a real beauty in relying on the Lord-its breathtaking.  How perfect God is in every aspect is what drives my faith even more.  While my outer world seemed shaken, my inner peace took over and I knew I could do what was required of me. This doesn't mean that I have done it completely-this isn't something that occurs over night.  But I know I can do this and God does too.  I am a currant bush right now-and I am being pruned down to the very core.  But its okay-because God knows what He is doing. He is the master of this garden.

And as I sit back in awe, I realize that I'm happy.  What an amazing concept-to be happy in the midst of one of the most difficult hills in life.  But I think that is part of the lesson-why I am being asked to carve out these pieces, so that I can really focus on joy and not strife.

I read a book recently-my Bishop recommended it to me-and there is a line that I absolutely love: 'Faith is being willing to try, again and again and again'. Its not about getting it completely right, its simply about trying to get it right-and I may never get it right, but I am sure going to keep on trying.

We are fragile. We are human. And WE are shaped by the light we let through us.