Random Thoughts

5 interviews down, 1 to go! If Texas makes me an offer I cannot refuse, I will know my future destination within the next week. This is a scary, yet exciting thought.

I went to the LA temple after my 4th interview yesterday. HOLY COW! That temple is HUGE and absolutely amazing on the inside. I sat in the celestial room and just felt complete peace about the decision ahead of me. I've prepared for this, worked hard, and now I know that its in the Lord's hand. I know that wherever I go-it will be great for my future (both my career and my life in general). I'm so grateful for that peace. It's welcomed with open arms.

I'm spending the rest of the weekend with my Papa Bear in California and then I head to Texas on Sunday afternoon. I miss home. I miss my roommate. I miss Ajax. I miss my bed. I miss other people. I just am ready to stay in one place for a bit. (And yet, in a month I will leave for 5 weeks again!)

Anyways, these are my thoughts for the day. In case you wanted to hear them.

Sweet Sunday

I love, Love, LOVE Sundays!

I'm leaving tomorrow for my whirlwind interview schedule throughout the West: Boise, LA, Texas! And I am excited that I get to spend time with family who I don't normally get to see. I'm grateful for their willingness to take me in and spend time with me! I'm hoping to get to go to the temple in Boise and in LA.

I'm so grateful for the gospel in my life. I'm grateful for the blessings that are showered upon my head each day. I don't feel as though I deserve the grace that I receive, but Heavenly Father bestows it so liberally.

I'm grateful for new possibilities, for the potential of many things in my life. There was a quote given in Sacrament today and I just think it sums up how I'm feeling today!

"Rise to the great potential within you. I do not ask that you reach beyond your capacity. I hope you will not nag yourselves with thoughts of failure. I hope you will not set goals far beyond your capacity to achieve. I hope that you will simply do what you can in the best way you know how. If you do so, you will witness miracles come to pass." -President Gordon B. Hinckley

Break these Chains...

...I'm runnin out of time...

The changes in my life are right around the corner. I have options to weigh and a final decision to make-Where do I go next year? Who do I rank? Am I ready to throw caution to the wind and trust myself enough to make the choices ahead of me? I've been so blessed through this experience in my life-my confidence in myself has grown a thousand fold. And even more important, I'm actually proud of what I've accomplished, of the professional pharmacist I've trained to become.

...Our choices hanging on our shoulder, its never over...

I'm also angry right now-trying to work things through with all the stuff going on in my family right now. I'm angry because I'm scared and what better way to handle my fear, then to get angry. I'm angry that I can't talk about it, I'm angry at the situation, I'm angry with the people and their actions. I'm angry and I'm sad.

...I wish I may, I wish...

I have hope and faith. These are essential and they will carry me through-they always do. I'm working on each piece slowly, but surely. This is not a sprint, its a marathon. And in the end, I will break these chains. I will make the right choices. I will let go of the anger and sadness and rise to the occasion to be there for my family and to love them fiercely. Because it's me. And I just need to be me.

The clocks are goin round

Change is comin down

Intensity's bound to clandestine someone

mm yeah

I will leave it up to me

To believe in what I see

I ain't gonna be nobody's fool

Break these chains

I'm runnin out of time

I've wasted all my energy on nothin more than lies

Come set me free, from dead-end misery

From everyone and everything I think I need to be me

In the quiet heart is hidden, sorrow that the eye can't see

I loved Seattle. I loved UW. I could live there and practice there and be a happy person.

I traveled back to Richmond today and was a little sad along the way. There were of course my usual traveling hiccups (DARN YOU CHICAGO!!!) but the worst part of the day is not something I can blog about...and my best friend is in Cali...

All I can say is:

"Families are where you will find your greatest joys and your greatest sorrows."

Calling All Angels

If you have a moment to watch this video, please take the time to do so. Angie and I went to high school together. She is a remarkable person and her story is one that is all to familiar in our world today. If you want to donate a blanket, you can get them to me and I will send them on.

Calling All Angels

However Long and Hard the Road

It has been a whirlwind of a week and despite my best efforts I have found myself weary and wounded. Please do not misunderstand my words, I have been continually blessed by my loving Father in Heaven and working hard towards improving myself. However, following the words of Brigham Young, "We never begin to build any temple without the bells of hell beginning to ring."

The adversary is cunning, and although he does not know my internal thoughts, he knows how to wear me down with self doubt and the fear of the unknown. And this week, the weight of that self doubt and the stress of planning for a future I have no control over has beat upon my shoulders. It doesn't help that my self doubt is the loudest voice in the room. I trust in my Father in Heaven, but I have a hard time trusting myself-which just seems wrong.

But then comes Sunday-Sweet Sunday. That fills up my heart with peace and love. And the tender mercies of the Lord bear down all around me. And for one day I gain respite from my self. I read this today as I finished Jeffery Holland's book, However Hard and Long the Road:

"The best things are always worth finishing. 'Know ye not that ye are the temple of God?'(1 Cor 3:16.) Most assuredly we are. As long and laborious as the effort may seem, we must keep shaping and setting the stones that will make our accomplishments 'a grand and imposing spectacle.' We must take advantage of every opportunity to learn and grow, dream dreams and see visions, work towards their realization, wait patiently when we have no other choice, lean on our sword and rest a while, but get up and fight again...Our life must be a 'monument to Mormon perserverance,' however long and hard the road."

I'm still terrified of the next few weeks-of performing well on my interviews, of opening my heart wide, of growing and dreaming, of becoming me. But I know that I am not really alone, as much as the adversary tries to make me feel that way. And ultimately, I know myself enough to know that in the end I will make it, however long and hard the road.

The tender mercies of the Lord are ALWAYS there if you look close enough

My life is not perfect, but I have felt my Savior's love in triple-fold this week. I have been so blessed and cannot express enough gratitude for the gifts I have been given.

Yesterday I went to the temple with Jessica and the Willis' and it was amazing as always. In the celestial room I leaned over to Jessica as tears were streaming down my face and I said, "If this is what Heaven is like, I'm never going to stop crying." The temple does that to me, it just overwhelms my soul; my heart fills up and I can't stop the tears from flowing. It is in these most precious moments, that I know the truth in its most simplistic form. It is something pure and bright and my heart knows it's true place in this world.

My thoughts yesterday in the temple consisted of: making the right choice for my residency (which I now have 4 interviews out of 8!), searching for inspiration about my brothers and how I can help them make better choices in their lives, and seeking guidance about how to love someone who needs love and comfort but refuses to accept it from anyone. While pondering and praying on these matters, I had the overwhelming desire to just ask Heavenly Father to say hello to my Grandma June for me. (I have thought so much about her over the last few months) Very softly, but surely I felt my Grandma there and I was yet again grateful for the tender mercy of my Father in Heaven.

I know that God has his arms outstretched to all of us and that if we just TRY to turn to him and live his word he will bless us more then we have ever imagined. It is my testimony that he loves us and that although the road may be difficult at times, he never leaves us alone.