Peoples

I have really good peoples in my life. Like the BEST. And I love them fiercely and completely. So in my 3 minutes of spare time, I just wanted to shout out the people who have just made all the difference in my life recently! Loves you peoples-and I know you know. But I'm telling you again.

"The people and circumstances around me do not make me what I am, they reveal who I am."

So here is who I am (love that most of these people won't see these photos-Love you Jess!)

"Have Nuts (I got them)...And Be Nuts (pretty sure I got that one down too!)" 

Love you peops.

This Journey of Mine

Oh this journey of mine! And the lessons I have to learn-I make them so very difficult at times. I have really been focusing on the goodness of God recently-on his perfect nature and I wanted to share some thoughts I've had-hope you don't mind.

On Sunday, I bore my testimony about how perfect God is-how he is constantly reaching out to us and waiting for us to turn towards him. I talked about how our experiences in the world may taint our understanding of God, because the world doesn't often give you multiple chances to correct and repair. But God always gives us chances-over and over again. Even if it is the same thing-his mercy is endless if we but try to turn back. 

So in my noon institute class yesterday, my friend said that the process of being converted (or spiritually born again) is separate from being perfect. We often make the mistake of expecting ourselves to be perfect and the adversary entices us to believe that we are not converted because we are not perfect. My brain only expounded further with this thought because of my own personal study and another institute class last night. Here is more of what I've come to learn/understand-my lack of being perfect does not strip away the blessings God has for me. (Again, there may be two roads, but the same blessings are available as long as I turn to God). 

Using the Prophet Joseph Smith as an example, we can really see just how the Lord extends mercy and how he is perfect in His knowledge. Joseph fears Martin Harris more then God and repeatedly asks if Martin can show others the work they have already translated. The Lord, finally agrees and Martin loses the 116 pages. Joseph is distraught. And the Lord is upset-because Joseph tempted God and feared man more. The Lord takes away Joseph's ability to translate-but this isn't a punishment without blessing. Because in this punishment, the Lord is trying to teach Joseph. After being without the plates for a while, the Lord returns them and teaches Joseph that he should have feared God more. After this revelation, God takes away the plates again. Allowing Joseph time to understand the lesson-to soak it in and change his nature. (This change is not something that can be surface level, it must be deep). The Lord gives Joseph the plates again (once the soaking has completed) and explains (in a complete sense of mercy) that He knew what would happen, that those pages would be lost, and that all would be well-because he had accounted for it. Thus, Joseph learns another principle about God-that he has infinite wisdom and everything is done for the benefit of mankind. 

These patterns continue throughout Joseph's ministry-because even though he was a prophet of God, he was also a fallen man and needed to be changed line upon line, precept upon precept. 

These things I learned in this study, helped me in my own life. Because recently, I have felt myself telling God how it will be. Instead of asking, I have stated this is what's going to happen. It has been a huge source of unrecognized pride. And that pride has now spilled over into other areas of my life and I am feeling the confusion of it all building up now. Its obviously very personal to share these thoughts and experiences here and I feel raw and exposed. But sometimes shining light on our weaknesses, helps us to face them better. My recent battle with this unrecognized pride has influenced my perceptions of things and of people. I've made countless mistakes and I've taken to long to decide what/how I feel. And as this prideful state has come to recognition, I find myself wishing for those second or third chances but feeling as though I don't deserve, nor will I get a second or third chance. And that thinking will do no good-because it negatively influences my opinion that God will give me (or any of us) a second or third or a 1 millionth chance. 

'God is willing to bless us. Regardless of what we may do today, tomorrow, or the next day. That is the nature of God-he doesn't withhold love or blessings because he knows we will be imperfect (and expects us to be imperfect as fallen men).' 

And as I hope and pray that others will forgive me and treat me the way God does-I also recognize my own need to treat others with that same mercy and compassion. We are all fallen. We are all fighting a natural man. And so it is only right to understand that people will make mistakes, that people will let us down, that we will let ourselves down. But if we get back up, if we continually try to be better (with persistence and patience) we will find that we are truly converted and that we are slowly becoming perfected through the process of life. 

So if you are reading this and I have let you down, or someone else has let you down, remember that we are all imperfect on the road to perfection. And know that I (and others to) want to correct these mistakes and would like a second chance if you can handle it-we want to be better and improve. But its a process. Just like becoming perfected. It requires time to soak and time to change. So be gentle with others. Be gentle with yourself. And know that God is always waiting to bless you completely. 'Surely the thing God enjoys most about being God, is the ability to be merciful.'

"Christ says give me it all. I don't want so much of your time or so much of your money of so much of your work- I want you. I have not come to torment your natural self, but to kill it. No half measures are any good. I don't want to cut off a branch here and there- I want the tree down. I don't want to drill the tooth or crown it or stop it- I want it out. Hand over your whole natural self, all your desires, the ones that you think are innocent as well as the ones you think are wicked. You give me the whole outfit and I will give you a new self. In fact, I will give you myself, and my will shall become your will...

He said that a thistle cannot produce figs. If I'm a field that contains grass seed I cannot produce wheat. Cutting the grass may keep it short, but it shall still produce grass and never wheat. If I want to produce wheat the change must go far deeper than the surface. It must be plowed up and re-sown. It is the difference between paint, which is simply on the surface, or a dye that soaks right through. 

He never talked about it vaguely. He said "Be perfect", and he meant it. He meant that we must go in for the full treatment. See, I have chosen you, you have not chosen me. You come to this on my terms and I want you for the full treatment. Now that's hard. The sort of compromise that we are hankering after is harder still, in fact, it's impossible. 

It may be hard for an egg to turn into a bird, but it's a jolly slight bit harder for an egg to learn to fly. We are like eggs at present, but you cannot go on indefinitely being just an ordinary decent egg. Someday you will either hatch or go bad.....it may be hard for an egg to become a bird, but it's impossible for an egg to fly."

I'm obsessed...

because these two songs have lines that just say my thoughts/feelings better then I can:

Just a little bit worn out
Just a little bit bitter
I gotta let my guard down
I gotta loosen my grip

If I hold you tonight
I may not let go

It's probably what's best for you

I only want the best for you

and if I'm not the best

then you're stuck

I don't even know where to start

cause you can bandage the damage

you never really can fix a heart

Merciful Heavenly Father

Sometimes I wonder if I will ever get it right. I told my Bishop today (whom I love) that I feel like I'll never get it right-his response made me cry (and he cried to). 'Amber, you are good. You are trying to give your will to God. And you don't have to run faster then you are meant to-you are meant to make mistakes, we all are. So be kind to yourself.'

Be Kind. Be Forgiving. Become Like God.

That was the pattern we learned last week in institute from Jeffery R. Holland's talk (April 2012). And as I've reflected on the state of my heart the past few weeks, I've been ever so grateful that Heavenly Father is merciful. That He is kind and forgiving-especially to me.

I've felt this free falling sensation for almost 2 months now and I don't like it one bit. Every time I think I have a situation, or a person, figured out-I find out that I was completely wrong. That my perceptions were off. And most importantly, that I'm just going to keep free falling without any control. But maybe that is the point. Maybe what I am to learn at this stage in the game is that Heavenly Father holds all the tricks, not me. But I'm stubborn and I'm ridiculously impatient (with myself, with others, and sometimes with Heavenly Father-especially recently). And this weakness of mine leads to trouble when I stop believing the promises God has made to me and start believing the enticings of the adversary. Because of all this and more, this 'free falling' stage just seems to be prolonged. And at times, I find myself fearing that I just won't figure it out or that blessings will be withheld because I didn't get it right the first time.

More wisdom from my beloved bishop: 'Amber, sometimes in life there are really two branches to a path. We may take one or the other. One may be longer, the other shorter. But no matter what branch we take, God will NEVER withhold blessings. At some point on either path, the exact same blessings would be given. If you are meant to have something and you do the best you possibly can (and even when you don't) God still intends to bless you. Because He is merciful. And because he loves you. All children falter, all children willfully disobey-and all parents want to give them everything they can and more.'

So as I sat here tonight, processing my thoughts and feelings about so many matters (my career, my next few months, my family, my perceived missed chance with someone, etc.) I decided to share the one thing that I've found true in all of these jumbled thoughts (and thanks to a Christmas gift from my person). That one thing is this:

God is merciful. That is an eternal truth. And because of that eternal truth we can have HOPE. Hope that we will make it through this trial and the next. Hope that all those blessings will be fulfilled in their proper time and season. Hope that brings peace.

Hope is the anchor of our souls. I know of no one who is not in need of hope—young or old, strong or weak, rich or poor. As the prophet Ether exhorted, “Wherefore, whoso believeth in God might with surety hope for a better world, yea, even a place at the right hand of God, which hope cometh of faith, maketh an anchor to the souls of men, which would make them sure and steadfast, always abounding in good works, being led to glorify God...Everybody in this life has their challenges and difficulties. That is part of our mortal test. The reason for some of these trials cannot be readily understood except on the basis of faith and hope because there is often a larger purpose which we do not always understand. Peace comes through hope.”-James E. Faust

Excited doesn't even sum it up....

This BEAUTIFUL girl will be here Saturday morning at 10am:

She said it would never happen...but it is...and I am sooo excited! 5 days with my best friend Jessica couldn't be better.

Change and Apostolic Blessings

I have two posts for tonight-cause I really wanted to share my basketball battle wounds (ok-so really they are clumsy wounds...but they are AWESOME!) But I also wanted to share some thoughts I've had the last few days about change-specifically changing ourselves (myself) to truly become as Heavenly Father would have me to be.

Sunday night there was a CES fireside with President Uchtdorf. I struggled through his message (which has NEVER happened before) until the very end. I was picking up great ideas here and there, but I really couldn't connect the ideas with his overall message. At the end of the fireside, the choir sang the hymn 'I'll Go Where You Want Me To Go'. As they were singing, I opened the lyrics to the hymn and read them-only I read them backwards. I went from verse 3 to 1. And my heart was pricked and my spirit touched to the point that I began to cry.

So trusting my all to thy tender care,

And knowing thou lovest me,

I'll do thy will with a heart sincere:

I'll be what you want me to be.

O Savior, if thou wilt be my guide,

Tho dark and rugged the way,

My voice shall echo the message sweet:

I'll say what you want me to say.

But if, by a still, small voice he calls

To paths that I do not know,

I'll answer, dear Lord, with my hand in thine:

I'll go where you want me to go.

I was overwhelmed first with the knowledge that I know I want nothing more then to be what God would have me to be. Then I felt so much that I want to be better at being softer and that starts with my words. And finally, I felt like this is exactly where I am in life-I don't know where I am going, but I know that I will go where He wants me to go. 

As I've gone throughout the beginning of this week, I have held these thoughts at the front of my mind and pondered on them often. Especially with how much I want to be what the Lord wants me to be. I've thought about all the ways I need to change-and while I recognize I can't change them all at once, I know that I need to focus on them enough to know when to start. Its interesting that if we aren't careful that focus can overwhelm us and cause us to freeze-but I haven't felt that this week. Instead, I've been very introspective and searched deep within myself trying to figure out the latest puzzle piece. 

Then today at institute (both this afternoon and this evening), we discussed the role that doctrine has on our behaviors and attitudes. I've felt that I really need to understand doctrine better then anything over the last year. Then tonight I was prompted to take a class that would focus on the doctrine, not fully understanding why until we were deep into the lesson discussing the doctrine of prophets. In this discussion 'apostolic witness' and 'apostolic blessings' were brought up. I remembered an 'apostolic blessing' that was pronounced upon me (and everyone in attendance) specifically at a fireside with Elder David A. Bednar. (I tried to find my journal to write out some of those things (or just remind myself) but I can't find it!) What I remember is that he told us the questions we had would not be questions anymore-and I know that is to be true. 

I also thought of another 'apostolic blessing' that was given just recently by Elder Jeffrey R. Holland: 

I leave along with my testimony, an apostolic blessing on each of you this night. I bless you, by the power of the priesthood and the commission that I have received, to know that God loves you, that He needs you in this last and greatest dispensation when everything is accelerated and more and more is expected. I bless you, with apostolic authority, that your prayers offered in righteousness will be answered, that your personal fears will be lifted, that your backs and your shoulders and your hearts will be strong for the burdens that are placed upon them. I bless you as you strive to be pure in heart, offering yourselves as instruments in the hands of God for establishing Zion in these latter days everywhere you stand. I bless you to be true friends to each other and to those not of your circle to whom we should reach out. Above that, I bless you to be friends of the Savior of the world, to know Him personally, and to have confidence in His company.

Things I love (okay so all of it really-but things that have been especially true for me as of late):

• I know (with every fiber of my being) that God loves me
• I am beginning to understand more then ever that He needs me (me specifically) to step up to my duties and magnify my callings and to be a better example
• I know that my prayers offered in righteousness are answered (and will be answered-I just need to trust on the timing a little better)
• I know that my personal fears will be lifted (because they have been-over and over and over again these past few weeks)

I so very much want to 'be what the Lord would have me to be'. I want to trust in Him and to do His will. But that requires a change (multiple changes) and I know that those changes require true understanding of doctrine (the answer to the why questions). But I am so very grateful that as I (we all) seek to know those truths (those absolute truths), that God blesses us with prophets to provide witness and blessings to help us along our way. I truly know that 'no one is destined to fail' and that when we put in the work, no matter how hard it may be, we will succeed. 

Basketball...

Can we just talk for a minute about how much I love basketball? Like LOVE basketball. Lets start at the beginning.

I'm not athletic-Never have been. I always joke that my brothers got all the physical talents and I took all the brains (which is totally not true-cause not only are they more athletic then me-well most of them-they are also a whole heck of a lot smarter...they just don't work hard at applying it :P)

I remember vaguely playing t-ball and loving it. But my earliest memories of athleticism are from dance class. Where I had two left feet and was double the size of the other children (and I don't mean in weight). I was tall, gangly, and awkward.

In middle school I had a good friend who wanted to try out for the basketball team-so I went with her. The coach told me not to come back the next day...I was that bad. So then I tried out for cheerleading the next year. Made the team. (everyone did...) And acted as a cheerleader for most of the year. But it wasn't that athletic and I still felt like the chubby kid who didn't fit in with the rest.

In high school, I did academic work. I considered trying out for the dance team (FAIL), softball (practiced with the team a lot), and swim team (waterlogged). I just wasn't athletic.

In college, I started rock climbing. That was my first athletic activity that I loved (and still do). But really, rock climbing is about me and the wall. It doesn't really involve anyone else. And like most things, I love the challenge-but that challenge was only with myself. And I wanted to be able to be a part of a team and do something truly athletic-but that was a pipe dream (or so I thought).

But something amazing happened during pharmacy school-my best friend The Brow invited me to come play church ball. I went and knowing I wasn't good or athletic. I went cause she was my friend and I wanted to spend more time around her. While playing, I realized I loved it. And it only got better. We played games and I had fun. It wasn't about whether I made the basket or if I got a rebound. But it was running and just feeling the adrenalin. But then people started teaching me things. I learned how to post up, I learned how to rebound better, I learned how to box out, and I was having fun while doing it. Sure I had games where I would have to remove myself and sit on the bench cause I got to competitive or aggressive-but for the most part I loved the game.

And then I hurt my ankle. Ripped all the tendons. Got high off vicodin-awkward. Walked in a boot for a month. And then played again as soon as I could! We started playing with the boys (we were the only two girls that they really allowed-how Jessica convinced them to let me play, I'll never know!) and my game got better.

My game is still not great. I'll never be this amazing ball player. I'll never even be decent. But I love the sport. I love running, I love boxing out, I love playing in my sweet spot and making shots. I'm really quite ridiculous and I leave with quite a few 'ouchies'. (see pictures below) But I love it. It gives me something to throw my brain into and work out my thoughts. It helps me feel like a part of a team. And I still have girls trying to teach me to play better.

My friends (and especially my mom) say that I should quit-but I can't and I wont. Cause basketball for me is finally my athletic outlet. And even though I'm injured a lot, I barely make my shots, and I will never be a superstar-I love basketball.

Basketball injuries (in the last two weeks...)

Believe.

I thought I would share the words that have been running through my head for weeks now. Every time I even think about getting discouraged, this pops into my head-because I know 'it will be alright in the end'. I 'believe' in good things to come. And I completely 'Trust God.'

Good Things To Come

"Don't you quit. You keep walking. You keep trying. There is help and happiness ahead. Some blessings come soon, some come late, and some don't come til heaven. But to those who embrace the gospel of Jesus Christ, they come. It will be alright in the end. Trust God. And Believe, in good things to come." 

Quick thoughts

I was supposed to write in my journal yesterday-but it was another busy day. Sometimes I think my Sundays are my most busy days-but have no fear! I will definitely make time to write in my journal tomorrow!

As for my goals, I've already purchased my financial planning book and a copy of Les Mis! So I will soon be onto those goals. I'm also reading my first church book-which is pretty fabulous (Weakness is Not Sin). And although it may be TMI, my 'sits' bones are totally killing me today from the spin class I did this morning-OUCH!

But what is more amazing to me, is the fact that my brain is constantly thinking about certain goals. Like every free thought. I'm hoping this lasts throughout the year. I feel so good about my theme and I have had so many confirmations that this year is definitely going to be a great journey.

Being soft...now that one is a work in progress. But change doesn't just happen over night!

Unveiling the New Theme

"It is good to have an end to journey toward; but it is the journey that matters, in the end."

-Ernest Hemingway

My thoughts this year will be much shorter then last year-because my theme is much more simple (don't worry, my goals are not). I have loved every step of my journey up to this point...but over the last few weeks, I've been distracted by fear and focusing to much on the end destinations. It is these experiences, and one heck of a dream series, that is leading me to make this my theme this year. 

My journey has been perfect up to this point because it has been everything that I have needed. And I need to trust in the Lord's plan and continue to be willing to change in whatever ways He requires. My goals this year are centered on two talks, one by President Monson and one by Elder Gerard Causse. 

President Monson's talk focuses on the abundant life: 'I challenge Latter-day Saints everywhere to undertake a personal, diligent, significant quest for what I call the abundant life—a life filled with an abundance of success, goodness, and blessings. Just as we learned the ABCs in school, I offer my own ABCs to help us all gain the abundant life.' The ABC's he provides are: 

1. Have a positive Attitude: So much in life depends on our attitude. The way we choose to see things and respond to others makes all the difference. To do the best we can and then to choose to be happy about our circumstances, whatever they may be, can bring peace and contentment. We can’t direct the wind, but we can adjust the sails. For maximum happiness, peace, and contentment, may we choose a positive attitude.
2. Believe in Yourself: Be honest with yourself, with others, and with your Heavenly Father. Don’t limit yourself and don’t let others convince you that you are limited in what you can do. Believe in yourself and then live so as to reach your possibilities. You can achieve what you believe you can. Trust and believe and have faith.
3. Face Challenges with Courage: Have the determination to make the effort, the single-mindedness to work toward a worthy goal, and the courage not only to face the challenges that inevitably come but also to make a second effort, should such be required. “Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, ‘I will try again tomorrow.’

Elder Causse's talk is about finding happiness in our lives: My dear brothers and sisters, my message for you today is that there is a different path than ones of fear and doubt or self-indulgence—a path that brings peace, confidence, and serenity in life. You can’t control all of the circumstances of your life. Things both good and challenging will happen to you that you never expected. However, I declare that you have control of your own happiness. You are the architects of it. Your happiness is not really the result of the circumstances of your life. It is much more the result of your spiritual vision and the principles upon which you base your life. These principles will bring you happiness regardless of the unexpected challenges and surprises you will inevitably face during your journeys here on earth. The principles he focuses on are:

1. Recognize Your Personal Worth: My brothers and sisters, imagine what it would mean to you if you could see yourself as God sees you. What if you looked at yourself with the same benevolence, love, and confidence that God does? Imagine the impact it would have on your life to understand your eternal potential as God understands it. If you could view yourself through His eyes, what influence would that have on your life? I testify He is there. Seek Him! Search and study. Pray and ask. I promise you that God will send you tangible signs of His existence and His love for you. It might be through an answer to a prayer; it might be the soft influence of the Holy Ghost consoling or comforting you; it might be a sudden inspiration or a new strength that you know didn’t come from you; it might be a family member, friend, or priesthood leader who happens to be in the right place at the right time to bless your life. In one way or another, as you reach out to Him, He will let you know He is there.
2. Become Who You Are: Brigham Young said: “The greatest lesson you can learn is to know yourselves. … You have to come here to learn this. … No being can thoroughly know himself, without understanding more or less of the things of God; neither can any being learn and understand the things of God without knowing himself: he must know himself, or he never can know God.” Become who you really are. Your happiness and ability to find balance in your life will occur as you find, recognize, and accept your true identity as a child of our Heavenly Father and then live in accordance with this knowledge.
3. Trust in God's Promises: I love these motivating words of President Thomas S. Monson: “The future is as bright as your faith.” Our success and happiness in life depend in great part on the faith and trust we have that the Lord will lead and guide us to fulfill our destiny...The greatest thing we can desire in life is to align our will to the will of the Lord—to accept His agenda for our lives. He knows everything from the beginning, has a perspective that we don’t have, and loves us with an infinite love...after you have done all in your power, if things don’t turn out the way you hoped or expected, be ready to accept the will of your Heavenly Father. We know that He will not inflict upon us anything that is not ultimately for our good. Listen for that calming voice that murmurs in our ears, “All flesh is in mine hands; be still and know that I am God” (D&C 101:16).
4. Your Future is as Bright as Your Faith: I testify, with President Monson, that your “future is as bright as your faith.” Your happiness depends a lot more on the principles that you choose to follow than the external circumstances of your life. Be faithful to these principles. God knows you and loves you. If you live in harmony with His eternal plan and if you have faith in His promises, then your future will shine! You have dreams and goals? That’s good! Work with all your heart to accomplish them. Then let the Lord do the rest. He will lead you where you cannot lead yourself; He will make you into what you cannot make of yourself. At all times, accept His will. Be ready to go where He asks you to go and to do what He asks you to do. Become the men and women He is nurturing you to become.

I know I said I wasn't going to make a long post (but its me-I always get caught up in something or another). But as I delved into my theme deeper, I knew that I needed the focus of my goals to be about living an abundant life-becoming the disciple Christ is asking me to become. And to become the architect of my own happiness. Because its my journey, back to God, which means I have to learn as much as I possibly can-but I need to do that with joy. 

And now for the GOALS (my favorite part!): 

This year, per a request from our relief society president, I broke them down into categories

Spiritual Goals

1. Study the lessons for Gospel Doctrine and Relief Society prior to Sunday, each week

2. Continue attending the temple at least 2x a month

3. Write in my journal at least once a week (on Sundays) 

4. Have one 'gratitude prayer' a day

5. Practice patience: patience is far more than simply waiting for something to happen—patience requires actively working toward worthwhile goals and not getting discouraged when results don't appear instantly or without effort.

6. Work on becoming softer (more meek): work on softening my speech (no more I'll cut yous or I'll punch yous); work on letting others take the lead; and work on not being aggressive (no more punching boys in the leg...)

Service Goals

1. Share the gospel/my testimony with at least 2 people this year

2. Continue to focus on the betterment of others-without expectations (Do my VT with the sisters as a focus, prepare my lessons focused on what others need, etc.)

3. Contact (written letters or phone calls only) family/loved ones at least once a month
4. Work on Family History at least once a month

Educational Goals

1. Read 10 church books and 10 non-fictional books about something I don't know a lot about

2. Read 5 classic books (Les Miserables, To Kill a Mocking Bird, etc) 

3. Try one new activity a month (cook a new recipe, go hiking, etc.)

Physical Goals

1. Continue running weekly and work on toning up

2. Get ready every day (no going out looking frumpy-makeup and hair must be done) 

Financial Goals

1. Get a real job!! (haha, no really...I would like to be hired on as clinical faculty at a pharmacy school)

2. Create a budget for the next year; save for and go on a trip somewhere foreign (Ireland or Africa); save for my upcoming move

3. Read a book on financial planning/take a class

Dating/Relationship Goals (this is my own addition)

1. Go on one date a month (either someone asks me or I have to ask-but they have to be actual dates-meaning planned, paid, and paired off) 

2. Practice building in relationships: Become better at listening and communicating; let go of control-get out of the pilot seat and jump into the co-pilot seat

So there you have it! My goals for my 28th year of life. This year I managed to accomplish almost all of my goals-This next year will be even better. I know that some of those goals don't seem very measurable, but I will know if I am meeting them (and I'm quite certain that a best friend of mine *AHEMthebrowAHEM* will also be able to tell me if I am meeting them!). 

'Our journey toward perfection is long, but we can find wonder and delight in even the tiniest steps in that journey...You are closer to heaven than you suppose. You are destined for more than you can possibly imagine. Continue to increase in faith and personal righteousness. Accept the restored gospel of Jesus Christ as your way of life. Cherish the gift of activity in this great and true Church. Treasure the gift of service in the blessed organization of Relief Society. Continue to strengthen homes and families. Continue to seek out and help others who need your and the Lord’s help.'

-Dieter F. Uchtdorf

Year in Review

Last year, around this time, I posted that I wanted 27 to be a year to beat. It is amazing to me that as I sat down this morning to write this post, I was immediately pulled to all the many things I have to be grateful for-so much so, that I started to cry. (SHOCKING! This girl crying?! NEVER!) 2012 has definitely been a year to beat and for some reason I just know that 2013 will be just as great, if not better (maybe that's because of my new theme!! Which I am sooo excited about! But patience-that post will come soon).


My overall feelings about this past year have been summed up in a mix I made for my best friend, 'On Top of the World', or the song 'Up and Up'. That does not mean this year has been perfect-far from it. But every mountain and every challenge has had a purpose. And my theme for the year has really helped define my journey that much more.


So, let's review the theme and my goals! (I'm more excited about this then I have ever been before!)

"Meekness, however, is more than self-restraint; it is the presentation of self in a posture of kindness and gentleness, reflecting certitude, strength, serenity, and a healthy self-esteem and self-control."

-Neal A. Maxwell

This quote served as my theme for the year and I broke it down into three points:

1st: The presentation of self in a posture of kindness and gentleness

"I am a daughter of a King. How very important it is for me to treat myself with love and respect.

And then carry that love, respect, kindness, and gentleness to all those around me. How very important it is that each of us knows that God knows us and numbers us among the stars. This is an additional thing I think of when I read presentation of self in a posture of kindness and gentleness. Everyone has struggles, everyone has their own demons and challenges; EVERYONE needs a little more kindness and gentleness. And for some reason, Heavenly Father has given me a gift of being able to love-to see a person as an individual. And now, I want to really work on loving as he does. I want to see the worth of souls and help them to feel God's love for them. I want to serve from the bottom of my heart and give myself completely to following Christ's teachings."

In reflecting over this point, it amazes me just how many ways I was called to fill this role without recognizing it until now. It started with a call to the Relief Society Presidency. During a time of great need-a need for my talents to be used in the midst of extreme grief and sorrow, both my own personally and my wards. In less then a week, my rocky family relationships were all left hanging by a thread, I was left questioning who I really was, and then I was called to the presidency. Less then two weeks later, while I was still in the midst of my own grief, one of our sisters died in a car accident. Because the experiences were beyond personal, I will just simply say that I was literally carried by the Lord and managed to accomplish everything that was required of me. And as I gave everything that I could possibly give, I was given glimpses of the Lord's plan for my life. It was one of the most beautiful tender mercies I have ever received.

Later in the year, recently actually, I had a very special blessing from a friend. It was one of the most beautiful (and longest) blessings I have ever been given. In the days prior to the blessing, I had been struggling with how to serve a sister in our ward after I had unintentionally hurt her. The blessing was very specific about my call to serve. In the weeks since, I have seen that blessing fulfilled in ways I never thought possible.

In each instance I have learned more about who I really am, been able to love myself a little more, and more importantly-been able to love others more completely (and hopefully helped them to feel God's love).

2nd: reflecting certitude, strength, serenity

I want to continue this pattern, of involving my Father in Heaven in my life, with consistency-to really reflect certitude and strength. And then with this, find that inner peace-the serenity-that comes with really knowing God and understanding the plan that he has for me as an individual and all of us as a collective group...There is serenity in this concept that I want to find-a great strength in knowing God on that level. I want to dedicate this year to knowing my Savior on this level.

I don't think that I can say I have involved the Lord consistently in EVERYTHING this past year-but at the same time I have involved Heavenly Father in my life and I have known God's plan more then ever before. Its hard to reflect on this one, because it involves a lot of those refiner's fire moments. And its even harder because of the last few weeks-which have been an uphill battle to not fear the 'unknown' of the next phase of my life. But today as I sit and reflect on this statement and what I had intended for my life this past year, its obvious to me that 'heaven has shown me miracles'. I have learned this past year, that my inner strength and drive is a gift from Heavenly Father; but I have also learned that that strength is not really my own-but that I become mighty because of the Savior. This year I have learned that even in the thick of struggling, I can have complete peace.

3rd: a healthy self-esteem and self-control

'Have the courage to be imperfect on the road to perfection." Self-control is like a muscle-it requires constant use to build up its strength. And when we lack self control, Satan has complete control over our path in life. Elder Holland has reminded me, "The only real control in this life, is self-control." This is my goal for this year. To love myself a little more, to remember that I am not forgotten, and to consistently 'flex' my self-control.

Always a challenge to be completely honest with yourself-and of all my areas, this is one I still struggle with. But I've improved and that's the point of goals. I'm still struggling with certain definitions I've assigned to myself for years, but I'm getting better at recognizing my personal worth and strengths. And most importantly, my self control is getting better-not great, but better!

And now time for the GOALS

1. Read the New Testament-Learn more of Christ's ministry and how to apply those teachings to my own life (CHECK!)

2. Seek out opportunities to serve (and serve in the right way, without expecting blessings, but instead for the betterment of others) (CHECK!)

3. Consistently make the choice (my theme last year can't just be forgotten! Instead I have to consistently do it!) (CHECK!)

4. Pay off some of my debt (starting with the small things and working to the big ones!) (This will be on my list for years-but I've made progress and so I'm giving it a CHECK!)

5. Get published! (with my first manuscript) (Results still pending...)

6. Run a half-marathon (gotta do it this year...I ain't no spring chicken) (No check! But I am running 3x a week and working up so thats good)

7. Make a trip to VA (Hopefully in the Fall with Grace! And to see my all my favorites, including my BEST friend. Cause I miss her like crazy-and maybe convince her to finally come to Texas *hint,hint*) (CHECK CHECK CHECK!!! I saw all my favorites, had an amazing time with Jess, and she's totally coming to Texas! WOOOT!) 

8. Be Healthier (Exercising, simplifying my diet, and loving myself every day) (CHECK! I am most proud of this goal-because not only have I accomplished it-I've also lost weight and not just a few pounds, but I weigh less then I did in high-school. And most importantly, I feel better about myself then I have in years!) 

9. Read 25 books (Meh...it wasn't a good year for reading-because I was too busy running around and living my life) 

10. Go to the Temple 2x a month (CHECK!)

11. Less media, more time choosing the 'better part' (CHECK!)

12. Meet Heather's baby (my new little munchkin to spoil! I think I'm going to call him/her a giraffe!) (CHECK!)

So as you can see-2012 really has been a year to beat. But here's my thoughts on the matter (hey, you are reading my blog so I get that luxury) 2012 has been a year to beat-but I will beat it because this life is my journey and as you will soon learn, I have decided that's the most important part!

 

Days 14, 15, 16, 17, and 18

Day 14: Institute 

By helping students draw closer to Heavenly Father, make friends, and set priorities, institute strengthens testimonies and changes lives.

Institute is a saving grace. Its been almost 10 years since I started attending institute. My first few years my attendance waxed and waned. But I found that every time I went back, the Spirit would testify so very loudly that I could't block it out. And even in the midst of storms in life, slowly I began to learn something-I began to learn that institute was mine. It was the one thing in my life that I could put in effort and receive more then I ever put in. As I continued to attend, my learning increased and I found greater purpose in church and ultimately my own life. My beloved scriptures went from being a gift that I didn't know how to use, to my most prized possession. They are filled with my notes, my revelations, my growth, and my testimony. And I owe all of that (and so much more) to institute. 

Day 15: Tender Mercies

Today was a very hard day for me. And as I sat, trying to piece together where things went wrong-a friend randomly showed up at my house. She had made some food and felt prompted to drop off the extras. Little did she know that she was going to be a HUGE tender mercy. 

Then later, another person wouldn't let me ruin the rest of our evening with my crazy girl brain. So instead, they made the effort to communicate exactly what I needed to hear so that we could enjoy the night. (it sounds vague and weird, but it was definitely a tender mercy for me). 

My life is full of them. And I am so very grateful that each one testifies to me that the Lord is aware of me and loves me. 

Day 16: Books

I love them. I can't get enough of them. I don't want a kindle or any other form of electronic book. I want to touch my books, I want to smell them, and I want to mark them all up with my thoughts and ideas as I am reading them. 

Day 17: Last Weekend of Work for a while

ITS AVERY GOOD THING TO BE GRATEFUL FOR. Trust me. 

Day 18: Best friends that forgive

Its to much to write out-but I'm glad that there are people who are willing to overlook my weaknesses and provide support, even when I've let them down.

Day 13

My PapaBear

'A child needs a Grandpa to grow a little more securely into an unfamiliar world.' 

Charles and Ann Morse

He's the man who scared me so bad as a child my Grandma had to devise a game to get me to look at him. 'What does the doggy say? Woof. What does the kitty say? Meow. What does the PapaBear say? RAWR.' 

He's the man I've always admired-from the way people talk to him, to the way he runs his business, to the way he carries himself in life. 

He's the man who loved my Grandma completely-heart and soul. And His example is what I want to find in my life-always and forever. 

He is the man who always encouraged me to be better-even if I didn't understand why he was pushing me so hard, he's always had my best interests at heart. 

He is the man that I love unconditionally and he loves me unconditionally. He is the man that helped me figure out that I wasn't so different (that I did fit in with my family). 

He's the man that is my biggest support system, the president of my fan club (and I'm the president of his), the man that lets me have 'bipolar disorder' when I watch football, the man who stocks his fridge with oatmeal raisin cookies from Ralph's when I come into town, the man who always cuts fresh flowers for me (and even grew an Abraham Lincoln rose), the man who always wants to ask the boys in my life, 'do you like pain?', the man who is my hero in every sense of the word. 

I could never express enough gratitude for my Grandfather. I have a lot in life to be grateful-but I cannot wait to thank Heavenly Father in person for giving me my Grandfather. He is an inspiration and every moment with him is the best in life. I love him-heart and soul. And I could never ask for a better PapaBear. He is truly the world's most amazing man. (And I am not prejudiced.) 

'What children need most are the essentials that grandparents provide in abundance. They give unconditional love, kindness, patience, humor, comfort, lessons in life. And, most importantly, cookies.' 

-Rudolph Giuliani

Thanks for the Cookies PapaBear. And thank you for being my everything! 

Day 12

MUSIC

'Music gives a soul to the universe, wings to the mind, flight to the imagination, and life to everything.' 

-Plato

'Music expresses that which cannot be put into words and that which cannot remain silent' 

-Victor Hugo

'Music was my refuge. I could crawl into the space between the notes and curl back my loneliness.' 

-Maya Angelou

7, 8, 9, 10, 11

Man oh man I am behind! Its been a crazy week full of lots of good things. But that means very little time for blogging. Don't worry though! I assure you that I have been taking note of the things I am grateful for each day!

So here are the last 5 days...sorry for the shortened version, but note that I am very grateful for each of these things!

Day 7: Days at Home

Occasionally, I get to arrange my schedule in such a manner that I get to stay at home and work. Oftentimes, my home is a place for sleeping, bathing, and eating. But I love my little home. I am so grateful for the ability to afford a place that is spacious and comfortable. I am grateful that my home is my safe haven. That it is peaceful. I have a white board on my kitchen counter and from time to time I write different quotes on it. But most recently, the scripture from Joshua has been there. I love it. And every time I look at it, I am reminded of just how important it is for my home to be a Christ-centered home. 

'But as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord.' Joshua 24:15

Day 8: The Temple

It is my favorite place on earth. Doesn't matter which one, doesn't matter what season I never stop wishing that I could be there. And I'm grateful that every time I go, I get reminded of my first time through. I'm grateful for the people who were there that day. And for the love and support they showed. And I am so very grateful that I always feel at home in the temple. 

'Through our efforts in their behalf their chains of bondage will fall from them, and the darkness surrounding them will clear away, that light may shine upon them and they shall hear in the spirit world of the work that has been done by their people here, and will rejoice with you in your performance of these duties.' -Joseph F. Smith

Day 9: Dentists!

Weird right?! Well I just got my teeth cleaned and they feel amazing (okay so really, the day that they were cleaned they did not feel so amazing-the hygienist painted my teeth with this fluoride crap that was AWFUL; but the next day they were great!) So I am grateful for dentists who keep my teeth from falling out of my head! 

Day 10: Liz-Biz

Liz-Biz (ahem...Elizabeth Renae Brown) is my friend that I should have met YEARS ago-but only met a year ago. Seriously, we grew up in the same state-just a few miles away from each other. We graduated the same year. And we even know some of the same people. And yet it took 26+ years and a move to San Antonio, TX for our paths to cross. I wasn't quite sure Liz liked me when she met me-in fact I remember thinking that she didn't want me around. But somehow, she's become my closest friend in San Antonio. She was my visiting teacher for a while-and she taught me to let people help me out. And when I would call her, she would drop everything and come (even if it was just to help me clean my kitchen cause it was stressing me out so bad). We spent Christmas together (away from home) and we still enjoy laughing about the 100 octaves that JT managed to get out while snoring. She tried to kill me on New Year's with this 'cake that was supposed to bring good luck for the new year'...We've explored the river walk and went adventuring for wild flowers. We've had sleep overs and silliness. She is the most sincere person I have ever met in my entire life. She loves completely and constantly gives of herself. She is good. Like ridiculously good. And I constantly want to be better because of the examples she sets. I'm not sure why it took so long to meet her, but I am so grateful that I finally did. 

Day 11: My Bed and Sunday Naps

'Consciousness....That annoying time between naps'