Change and Apostolic Blessings

I have two posts for tonight-cause I really wanted to share my basketball battle wounds (ok-so really they are clumsy wounds...but they are AWESOME!) But I also wanted to share some thoughts I've had the last few days about change-specifically changing ourselves (myself) to truly become as Heavenly Father would have me to be.

Sunday night there was a CES fireside with President Uchtdorf. I struggled through his message (which has NEVER happened before) until the very end. I was picking up great ideas here and there, but I really couldn't connect the ideas with his overall message. At the end of the fireside, the choir sang the hymn 'I'll Go Where You Want Me To Go'. As they were singing, I opened the lyrics to the hymn and read them-only I read them backwards. I went from verse 3 to 1. And my heart was pricked and my spirit touched to the point that I began to cry.

So trusting my all to thy tender care,

And knowing thou lovest me,

I'll do thy will with a heart sincere:

I'll be what you want me to be.

O Savior, if thou wilt be my guide,

Tho dark and rugged the way,

My voice shall echo the message sweet:

I'll say what you want me to say.

But if, by a still, small voice he calls

To paths that I do not know,

I'll answer, dear Lord, with my hand in thine:

I'll go where you want me to go.

I was overwhelmed first with the knowledge that I know I want nothing more then to be what God would have me to be. Then I felt so much that I want to be better at being softer and that starts with my words. And finally, I felt like this is exactly where I am in life-I don't know where I am going, but I know that I will go where He wants me to go. 

As I've gone throughout the beginning of this week, I have held these thoughts at the front of my mind and pondered on them often. Especially with how much I want to be what the Lord wants me to be. I've thought about all the ways I need to change-and while I recognize I can't change them all at once, I know that I need to focus on them enough to know when to start. Its interesting that if we aren't careful that focus can overwhelm us and cause us to freeze-but I haven't felt that this week. Instead, I've been very introspective and searched deep within myself trying to figure out the latest puzzle piece. 

Then today at institute (both this afternoon and this evening), we discussed the role that doctrine has on our behaviors and attitudes. I've felt that I really need to understand doctrine better then anything over the last year. Then tonight I was prompted to take a class that would focus on the doctrine, not fully understanding why until we were deep into the lesson discussing the doctrine of prophets. In this discussion 'apostolic witness' and 'apostolic blessings' were brought up. I remembered an 'apostolic blessing' that was pronounced upon me (and everyone in attendance) specifically at a fireside with Elder David A. Bednar. (I tried to find my journal to write out some of those things (or just remind myself) but I can't find it!) What I remember is that he told us the questions we had would not be questions anymore-and I know that is to be true. 

I also thought of another 'apostolic blessing' that was given just recently by Elder Jeffrey R. Holland: 

I leave along with my testimony, an apostolic blessing on each of you this night. I bless you, by the power of the priesthood and the commission that I have received, to know that God loves you, that He needs you in this last and greatest dispensation when everything is accelerated and more and more is expected. I bless you, with apostolic authority, that your prayers offered in righteousness will be answered, that your personal fears will be lifted, that your backs and your shoulders and your hearts will be strong for the burdens that are placed upon them. I bless you as you strive to be pure in heart, offering yourselves as instruments in the hands of God for establishing Zion in these latter days everywhere you stand. I bless you to be true friends to each other and to those not of your circle to whom we should reach out. Above that, I bless you to be friends of the Savior of the world, to know Him personally, and to have confidence in His company.

Things I love (okay so all of it really-but things that have been especially true for me as of late):

• I know (with every fiber of my being) that God loves me
• I am beginning to understand more then ever that He needs me (me specifically) to step up to my duties and magnify my callings and to be a better example
• I know that my prayers offered in righteousness are answered (and will be answered-I just need to trust on the timing a little better)
• I know that my personal fears will be lifted (because they have been-over and over and over again these past few weeks)

I so very much want to 'be what the Lord would have me to be'. I want to trust in Him and to do His will. But that requires a change (multiple changes) and I know that those changes require true understanding of doctrine (the answer to the why questions). But I am so very grateful that as I (we all) seek to know those truths (those absolute truths), that God blesses us with prophets to provide witness and blessings to help us along our way. I truly know that 'no one is destined to fail' and that when we put in the work, no matter how hard it may be, we will succeed.