I'm alive...sorta

I survived my 27th birthday-the world did not end and I am still alive and kicking. I have tons to post about-but since I am old, I must retire to bed. My stories (and pictures) will have to wait for another day.

LOVE!

T-minus 2 days to Friday

I have this fear that at 4pm on Friday, my world will stop. I've been focusing so hard on completing my res-rounds, that I'm not sure there is anything left in life. (I'm being over-dramatic here obviously)

It was very hard for me as a perfectionist, to be verbally critiqued for 2.5 hours with very little positive feedback. So I have worked night and day, writing and editing and rewriting my handout and slides. So much so, that I don't know if I am going to be able to function without this task.

All I know is that come Saturday, when I get off work, I am going to a spa. I'm treating myself to a massage, a facial, and a new hair-do. Saturday will be an 'Amber Day' and if anyone wants to participate, I'll celebrate you too!

COME ON SATURDAY!

Ain't No Spring Chicken

My 27th birthday is right around the corner-one month from today actually. I'm never crazy excited about odd years-they don't excite me. It's probably because I dislike odd numbers so much. And 27 is just sort of a hot mess when it comes to odd numbers. Its 3 nines or even worse nine threes....YUCK.

But despite all of these perfectly rational options, I am excited for a new year of life. I've been reflecting on how grateful I am for all that I have in my life and for all the growth that has occurred over the years. Getting older is amazing, cause each year you learn more about yourself and the world around you (or at least I do).

So here are 27 things that are on my 27th Birthday list (please don't mind the materialistic things-they aren't really things I ever hope to get-its just for fun!)

1st: A trip home with my family (Done!)

2nd: A trip to California to see my PapaBear

3rd: A trip to Richmond to see my people

4th: A visit from Stephy and/or Jessica and/or Heather and/or Chantal (and my babies!)

5th: These adorable cake pops

6-9th: Phone calls from JS, JG, OR, and BM

10th: A date with that cute boy from institute (hey, a girl can dream right?!)

11th: An IPAD

12th: An IPhone

13th: Sushi for dinner

14th: The pearl/bow necklace from Kate Spade =)

15th: A visit from my Mommy and Aunt Stacie (DONE!)

16th: To make a 3-point shot in basketball

17th: New books

18th: A trip to the temple with DF

19th-21st: A phone call from each of my brothers

22nd: A massage

23rd: A new bed

24th: To take a series of cooking classes

25th: A clean home

26th: My dream purse from Kate Spade

27th: A year full of adventures, love, and promise =)

I think thats a spectacular list. Don't judge me.

*4 am and crotchety

Here is a short list of a few things I love (in no particular order):

The Temple

Basketball (and awesome bruises from basketball)

Grandma

PapaBear

My family (crazy bunch of nuts)

My Bed

The smell of lavender

Lemon-flavored treats

My friends

My BEST girl friends (H, S, J, C...you better know who you are...)

These three boys (JS, JG, OR....)

My newest set of girl friends (AR, LB, DF, and LM)

The beach (especially in California)

Italy

Musicals

Clean things (organized and ordered can be thrown in there)

My home (when it is a clean thing)

Here are a few things I don't like (remember, I'm crotchety):

Stupid drivers (I can't escape them...people don't know how to merge...)

People who make really big messes and don't clean them up

Being woke up at 330, when I have to get up at 4

Waking up at 4 in the morning

Being grumpy (I don't like this yucky feeling)

Live in the Moment (or at least attempt to every chance you get)

I feel as though I have been running at warp speed for a few weeks now. Just yesterday I told Jessica that I do this to myself, I run as fast as I can-only to crash for a few moments and then get back up and run again. (I didn't realize in telling her this I would doom myself to a crash the very next day!) This is obviously not a healthy pattern-because during a crash I melt down (and honestly feel like a two year old child in all of my behaviors).

The scriptures clearly state that we are not meant to run faster then we can, but yet I find that some of us have this inherent need to run-to make up for all the areas that we are struggling with. Sometimes I feel like if I just keep myself busy enough, I'll get it right-I won't make these ridiculous mistakes and I might even do enough that makes me feel like I am getting it all right. (A little to honest? sorry.)

So today, after several days of just small things going wrong, I finally hit the break point. As a pharmacist we have to be the final catch all for mistakes-we are responsible for protecting the patient. Today, because I've been running far to fast, I made a mistake that while innocent today, any other day-with any other drug could have hurt the patient. I don't expect myself to be infallible and there are extenuating circumstances-which set the stage. But my thoughts are now reflecting on what I need to do to find the balance.

My co-resident and I were talking (okay, so I was crying) this morning and she says to me, "Amber-you have got this part of you that is so confident in all you do-because you work hard to know what you know and you have confidence in your ability. But then there is another part of you that lets what others say/do unravel your confidence in yourself and your ability. You cannot live your life this way-you have to take that confidence, your light, and hold it up. Especially when you are under pressure. You know who you are-don't let others shake that confidence."

My co-resident is not a member of my church-but I found her words to be exactly what I needed to hear (what I think I have been trying to hear all week). I have been running as fast as possible this week, filling my days up with more then I could ever accomplish to get away from some feelings that have been really eating at me. Feelings that stemmed from comments from another person-feelings that caused me to pull into myself and doubt everything I know about myself. (As a side bar: our institute teacher told us last week that Satan doesn't know our thoughts-so the first initial doubts enter from ourselves. And then through our actions, Satan continues to shake our confidence down.) So essentially, I have taken my confidence in myself (and ultimately in my Heavenly Father) and I doubted-that doubt then was only magnified by the adversary. (Little bugger.)

My point is (yes, I am finally getting there) that Satan doesn't ever attack me in doubting Heavenly Father, but he attacks me in doubting myself. In order to prevent all of this cycle, I have to identify the running, not let others shake me so, and take time to take care of myself. (How we all need to remember that a little time for ourselves is not selfish-but healthy)

I'm loving my life this year. I am working on becoming the person I want to be-the person Heavenly Father wants me to be. But in the process I have to remember to slow down and take it all in.

"As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let us down, probably will. You'll have your heart broken and you'll break others' hearts. You'll fight with your best friend or maybe even fall in love with them, and you'll cry because time is flying by. So take too many pictures, laugh too much, forgive freely, and love like you've never been hurt. Life comes with no guarantees, no time outs, no second chances. you just have to live life to the fullest, tell someone what they mean to you and tell someone off, speak out, dance in the pouring rain, hold someone's hand, comfort a friend, fall asleep watching the sun come up, stay up late, be a flirt, and smile until your face hurts. Don't be afraid to take chances or fall in love and most of all, live in the moment because every second you spend angry or upset is a second of happiness you can never get back."

Hold your breath...

An update is coming....but for now this is all you get:

ONE PICTURE:

LOVE YOUR LIFE

Sing It and Sing It LOUD!

2. Stand-Rascal Flatts

This song describes my personality-my survival-in every way. Its not necessarily the best song I have ever heard. But it reminds me of how important it is to get back up when you get knocked down.

Cause when push comes to shove
You taste what you're made of
You might bend till you break
Cause it's all you can take
On your knees you look up
Decide you've had enough
You get mad, you get strong
Wipe your hands, shake it off
Then you stand, then you stand

Everytime you get up
And get back in the race
One more small piece of you

1. Be Still My Soul

My absolute favorite hymn. And a constant reminder that God has everything (EVERYTHING) under control. There might be times that the storm rages around me, but I have to remember that 'winds and waves shall obey' His command.

Be still, my soul: The Lord is on thy side;

With patience bear thy cross of grief or pain.

Leave to thy God to order and provide;

In ev'ry change he faithful will remain.

Be still, my soul: Thy best, thy heav'nly Friend

Thru thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

Be still, my soul: Thy God doth undertake

To guide the future as he has the past.

Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;

All now mysterious shall be bright at last.

Be still, my soul: The waves and winds still know

His voice who ruled them while he dwelt below.