Live in the Moment (or at least attempt to every chance you get)

I feel as though I have been running at warp speed for a few weeks now. Just yesterday I told Jessica that I do this to myself, I run as fast as I can-only to crash for a few moments and then get back up and run again. (I didn't realize in telling her this I would doom myself to a crash the very next day!) This is obviously not a healthy pattern-because during a crash I melt down (and honestly feel like a two year old child in all of my behaviors).

The scriptures clearly state that we are not meant to run faster then we can, but yet I find that some of us have this inherent need to run-to make up for all the areas that we are struggling with. Sometimes I feel like if I just keep myself busy enough, I'll get it right-I won't make these ridiculous mistakes and I might even do enough that makes me feel like I am getting it all right. (A little to honest? sorry.)

So today, after several days of just small things going wrong, I finally hit the break point. As a pharmacist we have to be the final catch all for mistakes-we are responsible for protecting the patient. Today, because I've been running far to fast, I made a mistake that while innocent today, any other day-with any other drug could have hurt the patient. I don't expect myself to be infallible and there are extenuating circumstances-which set the stage. But my thoughts are now reflecting on what I need to do to find the balance.

My co-resident and I were talking (okay, so I was crying) this morning and she says to me, "Amber-you have got this part of you that is so confident in all you do-because you work hard to know what you know and you have confidence in your ability. But then there is another part of you that lets what others say/do unravel your confidence in yourself and your ability. You cannot live your life this way-you have to take that confidence, your light, and hold it up. Especially when you are under pressure. You know who you are-don't let others shake that confidence."

My co-resident is not a member of my church-but I found her words to be exactly what I needed to hear (what I think I have been trying to hear all week). I have been running as fast as possible this week, filling my days up with more then I could ever accomplish to get away from some feelings that have been really eating at me. Feelings that stemmed from comments from another person-feelings that caused me to pull into myself and doubt everything I know about myself. (As a side bar: our institute teacher told us last week that Satan doesn't know our thoughts-so the first initial doubts enter from ourselves. And then through our actions, Satan continues to shake our confidence down.) So essentially, I have taken my confidence in myself (and ultimately in my Heavenly Father) and I doubted-that doubt then was only magnified by the adversary. (Little bugger.)

My point is (yes, I am finally getting there) that Satan doesn't ever attack me in doubting Heavenly Father, but he attacks me in doubting myself. In order to prevent all of this cycle, I have to identify the running, not let others shake me so, and take time to take care of myself. (How we all need to remember that a little time for ourselves is not selfish-but healthy)

I'm loving my life this year. I am working on becoming the person I want to be-the person Heavenly Father wants me to be. But in the process I have to remember to slow down and take it all in.

"As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let us down, probably will. You'll have your heart broken and you'll break others' hearts. You'll fight with your best friend or maybe even fall in love with them, and you'll cry because time is flying by. So take too many pictures, laugh too much, forgive freely, and love like you've never been hurt. Life comes with no guarantees, no time outs, no second chances. you just have to live life to the fullest, tell someone what they mean to you and tell someone off, speak out, dance in the pouring rain, hold someone's hand, comfort a friend, fall asleep watching the sun come up, stay up late, be a flirt, and smile until your face hurts. Don't be afraid to take chances or fall in love and most of all, live in the moment because every second you spend angry or upset is a second of happiness you can never get back."