Challenges

I've been up and down, riding a roller coaster of emotions for the past month. I've always been a pretty emotional person-I think this is what happens when you wear your heart on your sleeve. The interesting thing is that I actually hate being emotional-I hate crying and if I cry I get extremely frustrated which only makes me more emotional. But this is not fair to myself and after President Uchtdorf's talk, I have realized that I need to be kinder to myself and let myself feel the emotions because they are essential for my growth and they make me the person that I know I want to be-because lets be honest, I don't want to have no emotion. I'd rather feel EVERYTHING-this way I get to feel those 'lows' and in return feel those 'highs'.

So I am challenging myself to be who I am and to let myself feel these emotions and learn from them. I'm also taking Jessica's challenge to change up my blog posting.

Charles Sanford said, 'Secrets are made to be found out with time.'

I guess now is the time for 10 of my secrets (just 10! Its all you get so don't be greedy)

#10:

I know that I cannot sing, but when I am all alone, I will sing songs over and over again at the top of my lungs-actually believing that I sound amazing.

#9:

I tell people that I don't think I am pretty cause mostly I don't-but I love my eyes and my nose. My eyes give everything away, they show every ounce of my love for people. And my nose is perfect for my face (plus it can hold a spoon and swing it back and forth and that's pretty awesome)

#8:

Sometimes, when people are interested in a subject that I know nothing about I will go and research the topic just so that I can talk to them and not feel dumb.

#7:

I fall quickly for people-even quicker then my closest friends know. And that scares me because I worry I'm more in love with the idea of falling in love then with the actual person.

#6:

My mom calls me Yammy and I tell everyone I hate it-but I actually really love that my mom has a pet name for me. I love it even more then the way she says 'San Francisco'

#5:

I love the way some boys smell. Clean or dirty. And when I was younger, I used to spray my pillow with cologne so that I would dream about cute boys.

#4:

I'm totally boy crazy (see comment above) and I have hoped my entire life that I would grow out of it-but I don't think I ever will.

#3:

I really do hate the number 3, but I don't hate all odd numbers like I tell everyone. I prefer even numbers, but there really isn't anything wrong with 5 or 7 or 11. Its just those darn multiples of 3 and the 'why' is a secret I won't share!

#2:

I secretly wish I could write as well as my best friend. The stories she comes up with fascinate me and I wish that I could be that creative. I actually tried writing a story while I was in high school and I'm sure if I read it today, I would laugh at how ridiculous it was.

#1:

When I was younger, I wanted to be the first female president of the United States. But the older I get, I realize I'm really not as 'Type A' as I thought-so there is no way I'd ever be able to get the job done!

Scriptures

Recently, I decided to follow the charge of Elder Bednar to get a new copy of the Book of Mormon and seek out Christ. Because of this challenge I have not used my personal set of scriptures since July. Last night, however, I pulled them out to use them for my institute class. When I opened them I was overwhelmed by my love for the scriptures.

My personal scriptures are wrecked. They have pages ripped out of them, they are stained in places, and they have different colored markings and writings all throughout them. But they are mine and I have used them since I was 15 to 'seek out the truth' and to 'come unto Christ'.

I am very grateful for the scriptures we have on the earth today-for the lessons they teach and for their ability to bring us into the fold of God. My heart really does rejoice in scripture.

And I Just Want My Heart to Fall Apart

Life has been so wonderful-really-but there are things missing. Holes that can't just be filled by anyone and conversations that just aren't occurring. I miss my best friend, in fact I ache for her. I miss talking for hours upon hours about everything with such clarity and perspective.

I've loved my new institute class-its like the top of my head is opened and revelation just flows in. I've felt so blessed by my relationship with my Father in Heaven. Its never been better-I wish that I could put it into words, but its impossible. I've never understood Christ better and I've never wanted to improve my life more.

My Uncle Mike surprised me this weekend and stayed for a few days. I'm so grateful for him and his love for me. It was a quick trip, but I enjoyed every minute of it.

I'm going to my first college football game Saturday and I cannot wait! I also cannot decide who to root for!

Drenched in Destiny

I have been reflecting recently on how intwined my life is with the gospel. Every day it seems as though what I am learning 'in the world' ties back to my faith and teaches me more about Heavenly Father's plan for us. With this reflection and pondering, I have felt a stirring within my heart and deep in my gut (to a place I can only describe as the very essence of me-my soul). I've attributed this feeling recently to gratitude, something I feel is very different from being thankful. I told a friend this past weekend, that to me gratitude has components of love, of respect, and of reverence. To quote myself:

"I am so grateful for Heavenly Father creating me exactly as I am. I am so far from perfect and there are a lot of things I struggle with liking about myself-but I really do love how perfectly Heavenly Father created my spiritual being. I love how in tune with the Spirit I can get-how simplistic and beautiful the gospel is to me. How much peace I gain from the knowledge that I am his daughter and that he loves me individually and unconditionally. I love how at times I can feel his love and feel how proud of me he is-and that when I feel that way, I gain a desire to work harder...There are lots of things that I am thankful for-my health, my home, a job, etc. But gratitude is something I can feel within myself...My gratitude for how perfectly Heavenly Father has planned our lives, individually and specific, brings me to the point of tears and my soul longs for the day I can kneel at his feet and literally 'bathe his feet with my tears' for all that he has done for me."

I've continued to let these thoughts mix with my feelings of moving to Texas and with all the changes in my life recently. And then today, I randomly decided to look for a talk that someone had once told me to read-and as I read it, those feelings of reverence and love (ultimately of gratitude) stirred within my heart and soul. I'm so grateful for my Heavenly Father and for His specific presence in my own life. I feel at peace and I feel like I am walking the right path in life. As I read these words by Neal A. Maxwell, I recognized these thoughts within myself:

"This mortal experience through which we are passing is one in which beauties abound; subtleties and delicacies are all about us, waiting to be noticed. Wonders are everywhere to be seen...There are real costs associated with meekness. A significant down payment must be made. But it can come from our sufficient supply of pride. We must also be willing to endure the subsequent erosion of unbecoming ego. Furthermore, our hearts will be broken in order that they might be rebuilt. As Ezekiel said, one's task is to 'make you a new heart and a new spirit'. There is no way that such dismantling, such erosion, such rebuilding can occur without real cost in pain, pride, adjustments, and even some dismay. Yet since we cannot be 'acceptable before God save we are meek and lowly in heart', the reality of that awesome requirement must be heeded."

I don't know if that will have the same effect on you as it did me-but 'wow' is all I can say. We are meant to see the beauty and delicacies in our lives-the wondrous ways in which God alters us. And even in those moments of pain or dismay, His hand can still be seen creating and rebuilding a new heart and a new spirit. My thoughts and reflections have helped me to recognize that this week and because of the knowledge I have found, my soul continues to yearn to return home. How grateful I am for the gift of this knowledge-to know exactly where I want to return. How grateful I am for the way the threads of my life wind together, in such perfect patterns, to create within me a new heart-to make me more like Him. If that doesn't make you yearn for these experiences, heart wrenching and all, I don't know what will.

I am secretly (okay not so secret anymore) in love with Anderson Cooper. He just makes me laugh so hard. If you have not seen his giggle melt down on national television, you are missing out. Seriously it still brings me to the point of tears when I laugh.

I break up the monotony of my day by watching him. And sometimes I probably laugh way to hard-but laughter is good for the soul.

I'm happy. And when I am happy I laugh. And I'd rather have laugh lines then frown lines!

I am the total package...

The title to this blog post references a comment I made in class during a discussion about our individual strengths. When we entered the program, Dr. Burgess had us take this Strength Finders test to determine what we excel in and then we had to discuss the strengths. Each strength falls into one of 4 categories: Relationship building, strategic thinking, execution, and influence. Typically, people's strengths will fall into 1-2 of the categories; mine, however, spread across the board-hence I am the total package :)

I really enjoyed this strength finders project. Actually, that's a lie...At first I hated it. I was really frustrated with my strengths and felt like compared to everyone else in the group, I was seen as the weak, wimpy kid. But therein lied my problem-I was comparing myself to other people. So once I stepped back from the situation and reflected on my strengths, I was grateful for my strengths. (Once again I related this experience to the gospel-this must be the cause of seeking out Christ in the Book of Mormon, because lately everything centers back down on the gospel. But this experience made me think of the talents God gives us and how we are supposed to expand upon those talents. These strengths of mine, they come from Heavenly Father and they make me the person that I want to be-so for that I am grateful.)

So here are my strengths, in detail:

1st: Individualization

Driven by your talents, you enhance your own quality of life each time you reach out to someone in need. Intrigued by the unique qualities of each person, you are impatient with generalizations or 'types' because you don't want to obscure what is special and distinct about each person. This theme explains why you pick your friends just the right birthday gift, why you know one person prefers praise in public and another detests it, and why you tailor your teaching style to accommodate one person's need to be shown and another's desire to figure it out as I go. Chances are good that you naturally enjoy watching people. Because you are such a keen observer of other people's strengths, you can draw out the best in each person.

To those of you who know me well, you know I hate it when people 'put me in a box'. I am not someone who belongs in a box and I will surprise you every time. This is because I want you to see the distinct differences in me and I don't want you to obscure what is special about me. This is why when a friend puts together a gift that reminds me of my grandma, it becomes one of the most important things I have ever received. Because it shows me that you know what is special about me. This strength defines me completely-all of my friends are different and this is why I can love each of them so specifically. It also helps me to incorporate everyone's talents into a project or group. (In a sense, this is a form of my leadership.)

2nd: Input

You are inquisitive. You collect things-information, words, facts, books, quotations, or tangible objects. Yours is the kind of mind that finds so many things interesting. You really don't feel comfortable throwing anything away. So you keep acquiring and compiling and filing stuff away. Its interesting. It keeps your mind fresh and perhaps one day some of it will prove valuable. You sometimes feel you could accomplish bigger things in the future if only you know more.

Your mind is open and absorbent. You naturally soak up information the same way a sponge soaks up water. But just as the primary purpose of the sponge is not to permanently contain what it absorbs, neither should your mind simply store information. Input without output can lead to stagnation. As you gather and absorb information, be aware of the individuals and groups that can benefit from your knowledge, and be intentional about sharing with them.

This explains why as a child I always asked, "Why? Why? Why?" I need to know everything and I want to include everyone in on what I've learned. (even if they could care less about the world of pharmacy!)

3rd: Learner

You love to learn. You will always be drawn to the process of learning. The process, more then the content or the result, is especially exciting for you. You are energized by the steady and deliberate journey from ignorance to competence. Your excitement leads you to engage in adult learning experiences-yoga or piano lessons or graduate classes. It enables you to thrive in dynamic work environments where you are asked to take on short project assignments and are expected to learn a lot about a new subject matter in a short period of time and then move on to the next one.

Be a catalyst for change. Others might be intimidated by new rules, new skills, or new circumstances. Your willingness to soak up this newness can calm their fears and spur them into action. Take this responsibility seriously.

I love this concept! This is so me! I love to learn everything and anything-its why I have so many books, ORIN! I also love that it tells me that I should be a catalyst for change-what an awesome call to do something great.

4th: Restorative

You love to solve problems. Whereas some are dismayed when they encounter yet another breakdown, you can be energized by it. You enjoy the challenge of analyzing the symptoms, identifying what is wrong, and finding the solution. You enjoy bringing things back to life. You fixed it, resuscitated it, rekindled its vitality. Phrasing it the way you might, you saved it.

Give yourself a break. Your restorative talents might lead you to be overly self-critical. Let other people solve their own problems. You might want to rush in and solve things for them, but by doing that you might hinder their learning. Seek opportunities to enhance your abilities through a demanding field, activity, or endeavor that requires exceptional skill and/or knowledge.

I love to fix problems?! I don't believe it! Just kidding. Obviously this is me. I try and fix things-even when there is no solution. And I pound my head against the brick wall constantly. I also do need to give myself a break-cause I am ridiculously hard on myself when I can't fix something or when I feel stagnant.

5th: Woo. (yeah, thats right, I'm a woo-er. GET OVER IT.)

Some people shy away from starting up conversations because they worry about running out of things to say. You don't. Not only are you rarely at a loss for words; you actually enjoy initiating with strangers because you derive satisfaction from breaking the ice and making a connection. By nature, you may feel the absence of your friends more deeply then some people do. Perhaps you long for the emotional support these individuals provide when miles separate you or circumstances make communication impossible.

Recognize the power of your presence and how you open doors for an exchange of ideas. By simply starting conversations that engage others and bring talented people together, you will take performance up a notch-or several.

I fought and I kicked and I complained about this strength; but it is me almost completely. I do engage others and I NEVER run out of things to talk about. I actually found out that less then 5% of the total population is a 'woo'-so this is actually a rare quality and something to be embraced. I see the value in making new friends, but I also understand the importance of my close friends. In fact, I am able to find safe people to lean on for emotional support. (Comeon! That is totally me!)

~*~*~*~*~*~

So there you have it folks-my strengths. I'm the total package and absolutely unique and amazing. I'm constantly seeking out learning and fighting fiercely for my friends. I'll try to solve your problems and love you throughout them all-even if I see where you are failing. And when it comes to those of you who are close to me, just know that I will always cherish you for who you are and that the distance (whether figurative or literal) breaks my heart. Often in my friendships and relationships, I want to know why and as long as you are open and honest with me, I'll remain loyal and love you intensely-but if you try to keep something from me or shut me out, I'll bang my head against that proverbial wall while locking my 'true' self away. And as for the gospel, well this is why my testimony is deep and true. I sought it out and I know because I know.

Quick Update

I have this huge post that I haven't finished yet-there just hasn't been time! But I will get to it soon! I also have pictures to post from when Arianne was here (I love that girl!!!)

We had so much fun adventuring throughout San Antonio and catching up. It was wonderful having her here. We stayed up late just talking every night. It was so nice to have a friend here who knows me well and not have to explain things. She definitely agreed I am more reserved here then I was in VA-its something to work on for sure.

I cried when she left. But was so grateful to have the time with her. I'm also grateful for my co-residents, especially Grace. I absolutely adore her and our friendship is growing more every day. I am certain she will be a close friend over the next two years. Ivan will be too-its always different with boys, but he is a gem as well.

I'm really grateful for the letters from close friends as well and even more for the random phone calls I sometimes get. They keep me pushing forward and remind me that I can find people similar here.

All in all, I have no complaints about life. I'm at peace and its a pretty great feeling.