Shh...I am not really here...Finals start tomorrow EEEK!

I just really needed to share this (or to remind myself that this is my goal in life)

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace,
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
where there is sadness, joy;

O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
to be loved as to love.

For it is in giving that we receive;
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.

Goodbye blogging world! Well only for the next three weeks...Finals start a week from tomorrow so I am giving up all my online addictions to make me a better student! See you all in 3 weeks! Loves!

Answered prayers are wonderful. Even when they catch you off guard or are answered in a way slightly different then what you expect.

I have to start by saying that I am beyond blessed. I will get to certain people who I couldn't be without, but I am blessed in general by the people in my life. I am blessed because of temple covenants. I am blessed because of my faith and I am blessed because of my desire and attempt to be better. I often fall short-but I am blessed because I have the atonement to make up for where I fall short.

I started this past weekend spending time with Chantal and my 3 little princesses. It doesn't matter how I feel when I get to her house, by the time I leave I am overwhelmed by the number of sticky kisses and tight hugs I get, by the good food I eat, and by the instant uplift in my spirit. Chantal, Pam, and I re-decorated Chantal's bedroom in this peaceful, serene setting and just to feel a paint-roller in my hand rejuvenated me some!

Then on Sunday, I offered my heart and prayers to my Father in Heaven. This morning, the answer came with such a whirlwind that it caught me off balance. I am ready for this new change in life. It won't be easy-but I am ready and like most of the important things in my life, things are just falling into place so easily.

I love how the gospel works in my life like that. Its how I know that I am doing the right thing. Its how my stubborn brain relinquishes control and puts my complete faith in God's hands. Despite the amount of pushing and stomping that occurs within myself, I will always be blessed by the knowledge that I am a daughter of God and that he, in his infinite wisdom, will work out my life in his own time.

And just when I think I am about to break, the Lord sends the sweetest and most tender mercies. This time it involved a two phone calls from home. The first from my Bestest, the girl who sees me in all my states and loves me regardless. The second from a very special Papa-Bear who kindly informed me that he thinks his Baby-Bear is in fact a 'softy, softy' like the Pilsbury Dough Boy and that he wants to poke me so I will laugh (because apparently my laugh brings him joy). This of course made my day, because my Papa-Bear means the world to me.

To close, I love this quote and I think I need to embrace it a little more-

"Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma-which is living the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of other's opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary." -Steve Jobs

I love this quote if you make it more doctrinal...follow your heart and intuition (follow the pure love of christ and the holy ghost and you will become as the Lord would have you become)

I love the temple. I love the spirit. I love knowing that when I leave the Temple I will be drained from everything because the spirit is so strong there. I also love that despite the fact I am drained mentally, I am completely full of knowledge of the truth of the Gospel and of God's love. The temple is such a glorious place. I am so grateful for my temple covenants. For the opportunity I have to be reminded that all trials are for our own benefit, that Heavenly Father is only trying to make us more like him.

I had a rough week...but it was all worth it to feel the way I felt yesterday at the temple. And now I have 34 days to finish up this semester and I will get to go home and rejuvenate my spirits with my family and my best friend.

I am almost done. 30 days and this semester will be over. That means one more semester until I am done with classes. One more semester until I start rotations and the beginnings of my career. I cannot tell you the joy I have being able to say that. I am so glad I went to school...but I am so ready to be done!

34 days people. 34 days and one semester.

I feel locked in my head, because honestly its the only way to deal with any of this-honestly. How do you open your mouth about things like this? Things that you know people will look at you and say, "Oh I am so sorry.", but the second you leave the room you know that they will think to themselves, Oh its such a shame or its a sad state of affairs.

I don't expect people to understand. Their lives are very different from mine in every aspect. But sometimes, just sometimes, I wish that I could be normal. That I could fit the cookie cutter mold of what life should be like. Instead I am forced to ride out my emotions in my head. To keep them locked away, because no one could really ever understand how hard it is to lock all this away and act like I'm perfectly fine.

I'm going to the temple sometime this week. That's my goal for myself. Because at least there I am closest to my Father in Heaven. And in that sacred place, I know someone understands.

I had a huge test on Monday and so Tuesday I took a mental health day and it was wonderful. I think I did well on my exam, but only time will tell. After my exam, I got to have dinner with the Karlinsey's and it was awesome to see them. Then Ash-Bur and Ashley Mclean came over and we had a girls night. We made our favorite treats. I made these praline pumpkin bars that were to DIE for...they were delicious. Seriously if you love pumpkin you have to try these bars (just note that they are FULL of calories)

Wednesday I went to Barnes and Noble and got my winter reading list (considering that school is winding down for the semseter, it is time to read!) This is a list of my new books, they all look wonderful and I am really excited about them:

On Thursday I started feeling nauseous and the nasty bug inside my stomach won't go away and it is getting old. I hope that I feel better by tomorrow cause I am going to Anne's Edgar Allen Poe party tomorrow and I am super excited about my costume. I am going as a heart in a cast-iron box...wait for the pictures...its going to be awesome!

in a sea of shifting values
tossed on every wave
while the winds wail around me
i will not be afraid
to call out for captain
to calm the waves in me
when i stand a little taller
it's only then i finally see
i stand in holy places
protected from the storm
anchored safe in harbor
though my sails are ripped and worn
i stand in holy places
and i will not move
until the captain comes and says well done
he is the hope i hold on to
in holy places

there is a harbor in his holy house
an anchor in his grace
that steadies in the waves of doubt
and in every holy place
no matter where i travel
his spirit's guiding me
with the lord as my captain
there is a peaceful port in me
i stand in holy places
protected from the storm
anchored safe in harbor
though my sails are ripped and worn
i stand in holy places
and i will not move
until the lord has come and says well done
he is the hope i hold on to

i stand in holy places
protected from the storm
anchored safe in harbor
though my sails are ripped and worn
i stand in holy places
and will not move
until the lord has come and says well done
he is the hope i hold on to
in holy places