I feel locked in my head, because honestly its the only way to deal with any of this-honestly. How do you open your mouth about things like this? Things that you know people will look at you and say, "Oh I am so sorry.", but the second you leave the room you know that they will think to themselves, Oh its such a shame or its a sad state of affairs.

I don't expect people to understand. Their lives are very different from mine in every aspect. But sometimes, just sometimes, I wish that I could be normal. That I could fit the cookie cutter mold of what life should be like. Instead I am forced to ride out my emotions in my head. To keep them locked away, because no one could really ever understand how hard it is to lock all this away and act like I'm perfectly fine.

I'm going to the temple sometime this week. That's my goal for myself. Because at least there I am closest to my Father in Heaven. And in that sacred place, I know someone understands.

I had a huge test on Monday and so Tuesday I took a mental health day and it was wonderful. I think I did well on my exam, but only time will tell. After my exam, I got to have dinner with the Karlinsey's and it was awesome to see them. Then Ash-Bur and Ashley Mclean came over and we had a girls night. We made our favorite treats. I made these praline pumpkin bars that were to DIE for...they were delicious. Seriously if you love pumpkin you have to try these bars (just note that they are FULL of calories)

Wednesday I went to Barnes and Noble and got my winter reading list (considering that school is winding down for the semseter, it is time to read!) This is a list of my new books, they all look wonderful and I am really excited about them:

On Thursday I started feeling nauseous and the nasty bug inside my stomach won't go away and it is getting old. I hope that I feel better by tomorrow cause I am going to Anne's Edgar Allen Poe party tomorrow and I am super excited about my costume. I am going as a heart in a cast-iron box...wait for the pictures...its going to be awesome!

in a sea of shifting values
tossed on every wave
while the winds wail around me
i will not be afraid
to call out for captain
to calm the waves in me
when i stand a little taller
it's only then i finally see
i stand in holy places
protected from the storm
anchored safe in harbor
though my sails are ripped and worn
i stand in holy places
and i will not move
until the captain comes and says well done
he is the hope i hold on to
in holy places

there is a harbor in his holy house
an anchor in his grace
that steadies in the waves of doubt
and in every holy place
no matter where i travel
his spirit's guiding me
with the lord as my captain
there is a peaceful port in me
i stand in holy places
protected from the storm
anchored safe in harbor
though my sails are ripped and worn
i stand in holy places
and i will not move
until the lord has come and says well done
he is the hope i hold on to

i stand in holy places
protected from the storm
anchored safe in harbor
though my sails are ripped and worn
i stand in holy places
and will not move
until the lord has come and says well done
he is the hope i hold on to
in holy places

My butt has been in overdrive work mode...and its a dang good thing cause I am super behind on watching lectures for classes PLUS I have three exams next week! EEEK! I always forget how crazy October gets for school. Its kind of a bummer because I LOVE fall and I have to miss out on most the fun activities because I am locked away in a COLD, DARK library!

I am going to the temple Saturday! I cannot wait. I really loved conference. I felt like every talk answered the questions in my heart and mind. I have a stronger desire to do better on my commitments spiritually because I know the impact that the Lord has on my life. I also know that putting Him first causes everything to fall into place. That natural man is a pain in the butt...but Imma beat him.

I loved the saturday sessions of conference! I honestly felt like every talk was directed at me. Seriously, each one fit one of the areas in my life that I have been searching for direction and answers. I am so grateful for modern day revelations and for a Prophet who carries the mantel of God; a prophet who is inspired and dedicated, who radiates love and compassion, and who embodies Jesus Christ.

Favorite quotes thus far:

-"The suffering we experience is a valuable, if painful school for improving our own actions."

-"We need to consistently do more and become better"

-"Declare your witness, your testimony to your parents and family"

-"Though we are incomplete, God loves us completely; though we are imperfect, God loves us perfectly; though we are lost and without a compass, God's love encompasses us."

-"Real love does not support self destructive behavior."

-"Do the best you can, all that is within your reach."

-"It is possible to achieve the impossible, it is possible to find true happiness now and forever."

-" The Savior is there-reaching out-asking us to change."

October is going to be my spiritual feast...and I really need it so believe me when I say I CANNOT WAIT!!!

First weekend: General Conference

Second weekend: The Group's Temple Trip (The Group being anyone who wants to come, but specifically including The Brow, JJ, and East Coast Curtis (ECC))

Third weekend: Stake Temple Day (Ward Temple Trip)

Fourth weekend: I'll find something to make it spectacular!

I have had a really uncomfortable feeling recently and I couldn't quite place my finger on it...then I had someone show me a quote and it suddenly made sense:

“TO GET YOU FROM WHERE YOU ARE TO WHERE HE WANTS YOU REQUIRES A LOT OF STRETCHING, AND THAT GENERALLY ENTAILS DISCOMFORT AND PAIN.”

Wow. I have not blogged in FOREVER! It's been crazy busy. I had to go to California for my little sister's wedding (yes I have a sister...its complicated) but before I left I had to take 2 exams and then today I had a huge therapy exam. So needless to say my head has been stuck in the pharmacy books.

I just finished reading this book (The Peacegiver) and once I get it back I will share some quotes/thoughts. It was an amazing book and if you are looking for a book on the atonement that will really move you...well READ IT!

I am really super excited about conference this weekend. I don't really have any exams next week (okay so I have one...but its pharmaceutical ethics...) so I am going to be able to watch all of it! YAYAY!