I'm obsessed...

because these two songs have lines that just say my thoughts/feelings better then I can:

Just a little bit worn out
Just a little bit bitter
I gotta let my guard down
I gotta loosen my grip

If I hold you tonight
I may not let go

It's probably what's best for you

I only want the best for you

and if I'm not the best

then you're stuck

I don't even know where to start

cause you can bandage the damage

you never really can fix a heart

Merciful Heavenly Father

Sometimes I wonder if I will ever get it right. I told my Bishop today (whom I love) that I feel like I'll never get it right-his response made me cry (and he cried to). 'Amber, you are good. You are trying to give your will to God. And you don't have to run faster then you are meant to-you are meant to make mistakes, we all are. So be kind to yourself.'

Be Kind. Be Forgiving. Become Like God.

That was the pattern we learned last week in institute from Jeffery R. Holland's talk (April 2012). And as I've reflected on the state of my heart the past few weeks, I've been ever so grateful that Heavenly Father is merciful. That He is kind and forgiving-especially to me.

I've felt this free falling sensation for almost 2 months now and I don't like it one bit. Every time I think I have a situation, or a person, figured out-I find out that I was completely wrong. That my perceptions were off. And most importantly, that I'm just going to keep free falling without any control. But maybe that is the point. Maybe what I am to learn at this stage in the game is that Heavenly Father holds all the tricks, not me. But I'm stubborn and I'm ridiculously impatient (with myself, with others, and sometimes with Heavenly Father-especially recently). And this weakness of mine leads to trouble when I stop believing the promises God has made to me and start believing the enticings of the adversary. Because of all this and more, this 'free falling' stage just seems to be prolonged. And at times, I find myself fearing that I just won't figure it out or that blessings will be withheld because I didn't get it right the first time.

More wisdom from my beloved bishop: 'Amber, sometimes in life there are really two branches to a path. We may take one or the other. One may be longer, the other shorter. But no matter what branch we take, God will NEVER withhold blessings. At some point on either path, the exact same blessings would be given. If you are meant to have something and you do the best you possibly can (and even when you don't) God still intends to bless you. Because He is merciful. And because he loves you. All children falter, all children willfully disobey-and all parents want to give them everything they can and more.'

So as I sat here tonight, processing my thoughts and feelings about so many matters (my career, my next few months, my family, my perceived missed chance with someone, etc.) I decided to share the one thing that I've found true in all of these jumbled thoughts (and thanks to a Christmas gift from my person). That one thing is this:

God is merciful. That is an eternal truth. And because of that eternal truth we can have HOPE. Hope that we will make it through this trial and the next. Hope that all those blessings will be fulfilled in their proper time and season. Hope that brings peace.

Hope is the anchor of our souls. I know of no one who is not in need of hope—young or old, strong or weak, rich or poor. As the prophet Ether exhorted, “Wherefore, whoso believeth in God might with surety hope for a better world, yea, even a place at the right hand of God, which hope cometh of faith, maketh an anchor to the souls of men, which would make them sure and steadfast, always abounding in good works, being led to glorify God...Everybody in this life has their challenges and difficulties. That is part of our mortal test. The reason for some of these trials cannot be readily understood except on the basis of faith and hope because there is often a larger purpose which we do not always understand. Peace comes through hope.”-James E. Faust

Excited doesn't even sum it up....

This BEAUTIFUL girl will be here Saturday morning at 10am:

She said it would never happen...but it is...and I am sooo excited! 5 days with my best friend Jessica couldn't be better.

Change and Apostolic Blessings

I have two posts for tonight-cause I really wanted to share my basketball battle wounds (ok-so really they are clumsy wounds...but they are AWESOME!) But I also wanted to share some thoughts I've had the last few days about change-specifically changing ourselves (myself) to truly become as Heavenly Father would have me to be.

Sunday night there was a CES fireside with President Uchtdorf. I struggled through his message (which has NEVER happened before) until the very end. I was picking up great ideas here and there, but I really couldn't connect the ideas with his overall message. At the end of the fireside, the choir sang the hymn 'I'll Go Where You Want Me To Go'. As they were singing, I opened the lyrics to the hymn and read them-only I read them backwards. I went from verse 3 to 1. And my heart was pricked and my spirit touched to the point that I began to cry.

So trusting my all to thy tender care,

And knowing thou lovest me,

I'll do thy will with a heart sincere:

I'll be what you want me to be.

O Savior, if thou wilt be my guide,

Tho dark and rugged the way,

My voice shall echo the message sweet:

I'll say what you want me to say.

But if, by a still, small voice he calls

To paths that I do not know,

I'll answer, dear Lord, with my hand in thine:

I'll go where you want me to go.

I was overwhelmed first with the knowledge that I know I want nothing more then to be what God would have me to be. Then I felt so much that I want to be better at being softer and that starts with my words. And finally, I felt like this is exactly where I am in life-I don't know where I am going, but I know that I will go where He wants me to go. 

As I've gone throughout the beginning of this week, I have held these thoughts at the front of my mind and pondered on them often. Especially with how much I want to be what the Lord wants me to be. I've thought about all the ways I need to change-and while I recognize I can't change them all at once, I know that I need to focus on them enough to know when to start. Its interesting that if we aren't careful that focus can overwhelm us and cause us to freeze-but I haven't felt that this week. Instead, I've been very introspective and searched deep within myself trying to figure out the latest puzzle piece. 

Then today at institute (both this afternoon and this evening), we discussed the role that doctrine has on our behaviors and attitudes. I've felt that I really need to understand doctrine better then anything over the last year. Then tonight I was prompted to take a class that would focus on the doctrine, not fully understanding why until we were deep into the lesson discussing the doctrine of prophets. In this discussion 'apostolic witness' and 'apostolic blessings' were brought up. I remembered an 'apostolic blessing' that was pronounced upon me (and everyone in attendance) specifically at a fireside with Elder David A. Bednar. (I tried to find my journal to write out some of those things (or just remind myself) but I can't find it!) What I remember is that he told us the questions we had would not be questions anymore-and I know that is to be true. 

I also thought of another 'apostolic blessing' that was given just recently by Elder Jeffrey R. Holland: 

I leave along with my testimony, an apostolic blessing on each of you this night. I bless you, by the power of the priesthood and the commission that I have received, to know that God loves you, that He needs you in this last and greatest dispensation when everything is accelerated and more and more is expected. I bless you, with apostolic authority, that your prayers offered in righteousness will be answered, that your personal fears will be lifted, that your backs and your shoulders and your hearts will be strong for the burdens that are placed upon them. I bless you as you strive to be pure in heart, offering yourselves as instruments in the hands of God for establishing Zion in these latter days everywhere you stand. I bless you to be true friends to each other and to those not of your circle to whom we should reach out. Above that, I bless you to be friends of the Savior of the world, to know Him personally, and to have confidence in His company.

Things I love (okay so all of it really-but things that have been especially true for me as of late):

• I know (with every fiber of my being) that God loves me
• I am beginning to understand more then ever that He needs me (me specifically) to step up to my duties and magnify my callings and to be a better example
• I know that my prayers offered in righteousness are answered (and will be answered-I just need to trust on the timing a little better)
• I know that my personal fears will be lifted (because they have been-over and over and over again these past few weeks)

I so very much want to 'be what the Lord would have me to be'. I want to trust in Him and to do His will. But that requires a change (multiple changes) and I know that those changes require true understanding of doctrine (the answer to the why questions). But I am so very grateful that as I (we all) seek to know those truths (those absolute truths), that God blesses us with prophets to provide witness and blessings to help us along our way. I truly know that 'no one is destined to fail' and that when we put in the work, no matter how hard it may be, we will succeed. 

Basketball...

Can we just talk for a minute about how much I love basketball? Like LOVE basketball. Lets start at the beginning.

I'm not athletic-Never have been. I always joke that my brothers got all the physical talents and I took all the brains (which is totally not true-cause not only are they more athletic then me-well most of them-they are also a whole heck of a lot smarter...they just don't work hard at applying it :P)

I remember vaguely playing t-ball and loving it. But my earliest memories of athleticism are from dance class. Where I had two left feet and was double the size of the other children (and I don't mean in weight). I was tall, gangly, and awkward.

In middle school I had a good friend who wanted to try out for the basketball team-so I went with her. The coach told me not to come back the next day...I was that bad. So then I tried out for cheerleading the next year. Made the team. (everyone did...) And acted as a cheerleader for most of the year. But it wasn't that athletic and I still felt like the chubby kid who didn't fit in with the rest.

In high school, I did academic work. I considered trying out for the dance team (FAIL), softball (practiced with the team a lot), and swim team (waterlogged). I just wasn't athletic.

In college, I started rock climbing. That was my first athletic activity that I loved (and still do). But really, rock climbing is about me and the wall. It doesn't really involve anyone else. And like most things, I love the challenge-but that challenge was only with myself. And I wanted to be able to be a part of a team and do something truly athletic-but that was a pipe dream (or so I thought).

But something amazing happened during pharmacy school-my best friend The Brow invited me to come play church ball. I went and knowing I wasn't good or athletic. I went cause she was my friend and I wanted to spend more time around her. While playing, I realized I loved it. And it only got better. We played games and I had fun. It wasn't about whether I made the basket or if I got a rebound. But it was running and just feeling the adrenalin. But then people started teaching me things. I learned how to post up, I learned how to rebound better, I learned how to box out, and I was having fun while doing it. Sure I had games where I would have to remove myself and sit on the bench cause I got to competitive or aggressive-but for the most part I loved the game.

And then I hurt my ankle. Ripped all the tendons. Got high off vicodin-awkward. Walked in a boot for a month. And then played again as soon as I could! We started playing with the boys (we were the only two girls that they really allowed-how Jessica convinced them to let me play, I'll never know!) and my game got better.

My game is still not great. I'll never be this amazing ball player. I'll never even be decent. But I love the sport. I love running, I love boxing out, I love playing in my sweet spot and making shots. I'm really quite ridiculous and I leave with quite a few 'ouchies'. (see pictures below) But I love it. It gives me something to throw my brain into and work out my thoughts. It helps me feel like a part of a team. And I still have girls trying to teach me to play better.

My friends (and especially my mom) say that I should quit-but I can't and I wont. Cause basketball for me is finally my athletic outlet. And even though I'm injured a lot, I barely make my shots, and I will never be a superstar-I love basketball.

Basketball injuries (in the last two weeks...)

Believe.

I thought I would share the words that have been running through my head for weeks now. Every time I even think about getting discouraged, this pops into my head-because I know 'it will be alright in the end'. I 'believe' in good things to come. And I completely 'Trust God.'

Good Things To Come

"Don't you quit. You keep walking. You keep trying. There is help and happiness ahead. Some blessings come soon, some come late, and some don't come til heaven. But to those who embrace the gospel of Jesus Christ, they come. It will be alright in the end. Trust God. And Believe, in good things to come." 

Quick thoughts

I was supposed to write in my journal yesterday-but it was another busy day. Sometimes I think my Sundays are my most busy days-but have no fear! I will definitely make time to write in my journal tomorrow!

As for my goals, I've already purchased my financial planning book and a copy of Les Mis! So I will soon be onto those goals. I'm also reading my first church book-which is pretty fabulous (Weakness is Not Sin). And although it may be TMI, my 'sits' bones are totally killing me today from the spin class I did this morning-OUCH!

But what is more amazing to me, is the fact that my brain is constantly thinking about certain goals. Like every free thought. I'm hoping this lasts throughout the year. I feel so good about my theme and I have had so many confirmations that this year is definitely going to be a great journey.

Being soft...now that one is a work in progress. But change doesn't just happen over night!