A True Coach

We had our first set of training for 'How to Teach' this past weekend and then we started our coursework yesterday. Our instructor, who happens to be the head of the program, was talking yesterday and some of the things he said resonated in my heart.

Dr. Burgess was talking about how in life he doesn't believe that we need Mentors, but that instead he thinks we need coaches. Why? Because a coach will push you to the edge, they will push you till it hurts; sometimes you want to curse at your coach and sometimes you want to give up and throw in the towel; there are even other times that you might yell 'Why Me?!' But in the end, a coach knows just how far to push to get you to where you need to be. In fact, a coach really has your best intentions at heart and knows just how far they can push you to get you to grow.

There were two things that Dr. Burgess said that I wrote down. First, 'Its all about growth, which is painful' and second, 'If it is your priority to succeed, your coach will get you there.'

I liken this, of course, to our Father in Heaven-ultimately our life's greatest coach. Heavenly Father does all the same things the coach described above does-His ultimate goal for us is to return to Him someday. In thinking of this, I have just reflected on how much God really does love us. Everything in His plan is centered on this perfect love for us. And I just can help but be grateful for this 'coach' who pushes me till it hurts for my own good. And when my priorities align with His, when I want to return home someday, I come out on the other side, I grow a little bit stronger and get closer to Him.

Little Fish, Big (HUGE) Pond

***Disclaimer, this post may come off as self-pity. It is not meant to sound that way. I am just trying to write out my thoughts, because I am struggling with being able to actually talk to any of my 'safe' people about how I really feel and what is going on in my life. Writing is therapeutic for me and I need to let these emotions flow-I have held it together for weeks now, but I need to finally let myself 'feel'.

I've been in Texas for almost two weeks now and I can attest to a few things. First, the skies really are bigger here and they are so blue that it takes my breath away. And I learned quickly that we are really close to the sun, so you must always wear sunscreen (even if you are only going outside for an hour-if you don't you will become a lobster) Second, people here are all about food. Seriously! Its this restaurant and that restaurant and not that restaurant. It cracks me up. I've also learned that Texas is going to take some time to grow into-because as they say, 'Everything Really is Bigger in Texas'-except for me that is...

I've been reflecting a lot on my life and who I have become throughout the years. In high school I felt like I didn't fit in, like I was being held back from my potential, and what I could do. Basically, I was a big fish in a little pond. Then I moved to Virginia. I remember that first week with such clarity. It was an experience all in its own-everything seemed brighter and more possible. I was no longer a big fish, I had transformed to a smaller fish in a manageable pond. And over time I grew into who I wanted to become. I've been working so hard at being confident in myself and knowing what I believe and I know that I have come such a long way. But here in Texas it is different. I am no longer the right size for the pond. Here, I am so very tiny and small and the pond is huge.

Its very daunting and every day I feel like I am running to keep up with a group who is walking. And every day I feel myself being pushed closer to the line of 'I can't do this'. There are moments when all I want to do is throw in the towel, to go back home to Virginia where I fit in and ultimately was safe. The stress of my financial situation alone is suffocating (in all my years as a student, my bank account was never this empty and I feel as though I have exhausted all my options for help). I fall asleep only to dream of bills and the cost of living right now. I wake up absolutely exhausted and feeling more stressed then before I went to sleep.

I'm so ridiculously homesick for Jessica, for Stephanie, for Chantal, and for so many others. Every night I walk into my apartment hoping Jessica will be there to greet me with a side hug or even attitude (seriously, I miss the attitude). The tears came before I left-but the ache in my heart came just this week. I'm trying to make new friends but it hasn't been easy and I worry that I might be the cause (how do you find friends that can match what I have had? especially when they have been everything to me for so long).

And I write all this out with this small desire to really just give up and give in-to call the game and go home. But that desire doesn't touch my knowledge that Heavenly Father wants me here and that there is something to be learned from all these struggles. In all my stress and sorrow, I have leaned on the Lord (ultimately, I've been carried through). And every time I get to the point of quitting, I am blessed with a tender mercy that is so personal and so exact that I am renewed to keep going one more day. I know that joy will come and I know that things will be okay-I know it with such a force that it keeps me driving forward. I am so grateful that my gift in this life is unwavering faith and knowledge. I may not struggle or stress beautifully or gracefully like some people-but it can never be said that I ever quit. I can't. My testimony won't let me.

So I guess for now, I'll continue to be a little fish and I'll keep swimming, keep growing, and keep leaning on my Savior for strength.

Livin Large in San Antonio

Cause everything is bigger in Texas...duh!

I just want to say how very grateful I am for my friends. They have really supported me through this move and if it wasn't for some of them, I would have fallen flat on my face literally.

I'm still getting acclimated and I am trying to put myself out there-I'm struggling, but it will come.

It's not goodbye for us-for us its just see you later.

I'm overwhelmed by my thoughts tonight-my head has been racing so much today, that it is actually hurting to produce conscious thought-but yet I can't stop thinking.

The last three days have been full of fun, tons of love, and more goodbyes then I ever wanted in one event. I keep trying to convince myself its not goodbye, its only 'see you later.' But ultimately, there will only be a few people who really stay in my life for good. I know that people shift into and out of our lives for a reason and I am so very grateful for the many wonderful people the Lord has put into my life these past 8 years.

Tonight at institute Brother Janson was inspired to do a closing hymn-he chose 'God be with You til We Meet Again.' Before we sang, he gave a little statement about me leaving. Of course this brought me to tears and as I hugged each of my friends goodbye I cried even harder. I was very touched by this song-because I hope and I pray I will meet each of these friends again. It just really put things into perspective.

While I will miss all my friends here in VA, there are certain friends who's place will never be taken-I may make new friends in TX and I am very excited about these new people, but the relationships will be different. There are certain people who have been my constant support system, my friends, my lighthouses. And I am going to miss them fiercely.

I am not looking forward to saying 'See You Later' to Chantal, to Jessica, to Stephanie, and to so many others. And although I am so excited for this new path in life, I know that as I pull away from Richmond (my home for the last 8 years) I won't be able to stop the tears from falling.

I detest moving!

This does not mean that I am not excited for the move to Texas in 4 days!!!! More that I just hate packing up all my stuff (which somehow consists of more stuff then I ever need) only to turn around and unpack it a few days later.

I'm going to start throwing things out. Goodbye, good riddance to all this CRAP!

I've Decided I Like Being a Girl

Tonight at frisbee I told a boy, 'Don't worry about me, I can hold my own with the boys.' 30 seconds later, this same boy slammed into me causing me to fly into the air, then skid on my face and knee into the ground. In short this boy made me crumble on the ground and cry like a girl.

It took me a while to come around, to stop crying, and to manage the pain in my neck and ankle. Anyways, my whole point of this post is to say two things:

First, tonight was my first big hit since my football days...and it was AWESOME!!!

Second, I'm okay with being a girl and although I like playing with the boys, I'm glad that I am still soft like a girl should be!

What Lies Ahead is Better than What You are Asked to Leave Behind

Texas in 8 days. Wow. It is coming so quickly. My house is almost completely packed. I pick up my truck on Tuesday and pack it all up Tuesday and Wednesday. Then Harry Potter Thursday at midnight and hitting the road on Friday morning.

Jessica gave this amazing lesson at institute on Tuesday on a talk given by Jeffery R. Holland (Remember Lot's Wife). The talk had already sparked some re-evaluation in my life, but after Jessica's perspective I have really thought about my tendency to become like Lot's wife.

There are a few personal things I need to say, but don't really know how-so instead I will write them here:

*First, I need to really let people's mistakes go (especially if I want them to let mine go). I don't need to carry around 'buckets of sand and throw them in people's face'. The weight of those buckets really wear down my resolve and pull me away from being more Christlike.

"When honest effort is being made to progress, we are guilty of the greater sin if we keep remembering and recalling and rebashing someone with their earlier mistakes, and that "someone" might be ourselves. We can be so hard on ourselves, often much more so than with others! Like the Anti-Nephi-Lehies of the Book of Mormon, bury your weapons of war, and leave them buried."

*Second, I need to forgive and forget. There are a few key people who I need to forgive completely and then forget. I don't think this will make us close again or even put us on speaking terms, but it is something I have been working towards and something I finally feel ready to do (I am sorry it took me so long).

"When something is over and done with, when it has been repented of as fully as it can be repented of, when life has moved on as it should and a lot of other wonderfully good things have happened since then, it is not right to go back and open up some ancient wound which the Son of God Himself died trying to heal. Let people repent. Let people grow. Believe that people can change, and improve."

*Third (and probably most importantly), I need to remember that what the Lord requires us to give up, he replaces with so much more.

Faith is for the future. Faith builds on the past but never longs to stay there. Faith trusts that God has great things in store for each of us and that Christ is the "high priest of good things to come."

I cannot wait for this move to Texas. Its going to be wonderful, I know that there will be struggles and challenges. But I am ready! I am ready to let go of my comfort zone and let the Lord continue to mold me. I'm ready to leave the past behind me and I am looking to the future with Faith.