Integrity

Through my own actions, my integrity wavered. I will not go into the details, for they are personal. But I found this talk from Elder Russell M. Nelson and I had to share my thoughts/comments.

Russell M. Nelson begins his talk with an analogy of the mitral valve in the human heart (of course I'd find a talk about the heart...I love the heart...) The mitral valve has cords and as one becomes broken or torn, the others slowly weaken. Much like our spirits. We are tethered to the gospel, but as we break principles as we make mistakes we slowly weaken those tethers and slowly start to pull away from our Father in Heaven.

"We cannot commit a little sin without being subject to the consequences. If we tolerate a little sin today, we tolerate a little more tomorrow, and before long, a cord of integrity is broken."

But none of us is immune to temptation, and the adversary knows it. He would deceive, connive, or contrive any means to deprive us of potential joy and exaltation. He knows that if one little cord of control can be snapped, others likely will weaken later under increased strain. The result would be no integrity, no eternal life. Satan’s triumph would be assured. If this domino-like deterioration causes a run in our spiritual stocking, qualities of character are lost and our cherished integrity is gone.

If we are wise, we assess personal cords of integrity on a daily basis. We identify any weakness, and we repair it. Indeed, we have an obligation to do so. The words of Isaiah apply equally to all:

“Strengthen ye the weak hands, and confirm the feeble knees. “Say to them that are of a fearful heart, Be strong”

Sometimes in life, we have to stop and assess right in the moment. Sometimes our actions are too quick for us to assess and then we are left to make the decision to go back and try to repair the cord. If we fail to turn back, we make the choice to weaken ourselves spiritually. I've found in this latest struggle, that prayer is the only place to find the right answer within your heart. For myself, my heart was tortured, I was so disappointed in myself and I knew the only place I had to go for the help I needed to step up was through prayer.

Private personal prayer is a good time for introspection. Morning prayer might include a petition for honesty, chastity, virtue, or for simply being of service to others. In the evening, there may be another quick checkup on all those attributes. We pray for the preservation of our spiritual integrity, then we work for it. Should any flaw be found, we will want to begin the process of prompt repair that will protect further disintegration of a threatened spiritual quality.

This next part of his talk hit home. How often do we ask ourselves these questions? And if we ask the questions, do we like the answers? For myself, although the right thing was hard to do, even though I will suffer the consequences of my mistake, I found solace in reading this talk and seeing my answers to the question.

Self-assessment is done best in many little steps, asking ourselves questions such as:

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  What do we do when we make a mistake? Do we admit our error and apologize, or do we deny it and blame others?

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  What do we do when we are in a group where wrong ideas or activities are promoted? Do we endorse error by our silence, or do we take a stand?

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  Are we totally true to our employers, or are we less than loyal?

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  Do we keep the Sabbath day, obey the Word of Wisdom, honor our father and mother?

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  If we have made sacred covenants in the temple, how do we react when we hear evil-speaking against the Lord’s anointed? Do we honor all covenants made there? Or do we allow exceptions and rationalize our behavior to suit our preconceived preferences?

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  How do we honor our word? Can our promises be trusted?

And of course, with the atonement, there is always hope and comfort. I may not rise above temporally, but in the eternal scheme of things, I made the right choice.

We should not be discouraged or depressed by our shortcomings. No one is without weakness. As part of the divine plan, we are tested to see whether we master weakness or let weakness master us. Proper diagnosis is essential to proper treatment. The Lord gave us this remarkable assurance: “Because thou hast seen thy weakness thou shalt be made strong” (Ether 12:37). But wishing for strength won’t make us strong. It takes faith and work to shore up a weakened cord of integrity.

We know the process of self-repair called repentance. Mercifully, we do not have to begin that process alone. We can receive help through counsel with trusted family members and Church leaders. But their aid is more likely to help if we seek it not merely to satisfy a formality but with real intent to reform and come closer to Christ. He is the ultimate physician.

Real faith in Him will provide real relief—and glorious rewards. He said, “Because thou hast seen thy weakness thou shalt be made strong, even unto the sitting down in the place which I have prepared in the mansions of my Father” (Ether 12:37; see also Ether 12:27, 2 Cor. 12:9).

Mistakes may mar our worthiest intentions, and serious sin can stain with scarlet the slate of pristine white that was once ours. As none of us may escape sin, none of us may escape suffering. Repentance may not be easy, but it is worth it. Repentance not only bleaches, it heals!

I've slowly been preparing for residency applications, trying to pick a school/program that will best fit me and my goals in my career. At the beginning, I had every intention of heading FAR west-to California or Washington State. But then a professor told me about a program in Texas, an opportunity to study under one of the Nation's top professors. My interest was only slightly peaked, but I was sure that California was where I wanted to go.

But after further research into the program and after many prayers and visits to the temple, I started to feel pulled to Texas. So I emailed the director of the program, just to get a feeling for the school and the people who will become my instructors. Slowly, but surely, Texas became my number one choice.

I can't explain how this happens, but it is similar to how I gained my testimony. These experiences are never earth shattering, there are no voices or visions; instead, it is the quiet calm that occurs within my heart. It is this peace and assurance that this is where I am supposed to go. I followed this prompting when moving to Virginia and I know without a doubt that this was where I was supposed to grow and strengthen my foundation.

If you were to ask, "Are you nervous? Do you have doubts?" I would respond with a resounding 'YES!' I am terrified about packing up and moving to a new state. I am terrified about making all new friends and starting over in a new city. I have doubts that I will get accepted. But I do not have doubts in my Father in Heaven. I do not feel he will lead me astray. I know that I must do all I can do to prepare and then I have to let the pieces fall as they may.

Anyways, the reason I felt inspired to write this post today was because of what my reading found this morning. I was sitting at the kitchen table, reading in the Special Temple Edition of the Ensign, and as I turned the page, the most beautiful picture of a celestial room caught my eye. I stopped and marveled at how stunning the room looked. And then I read the caption. The celestial room pictured was from the temple in San Antonio, Texas.

Tears flooded my eyes and I sat in awe of the beauty of small, subtle promptings in my life. Do I know for sure that I will end up in Texas? No. Of course I don't. Only the Lord can truly know that answer. But I do find greater peace in my decision to apply to this residency. And more importantly, my love for my Father in Heaven was increased-because he knows who I am and everything about me. Its such a wonderful knowledge-to have a testimony of this gospel and to have faith in the Savior.

Epic...

Most people won't find this epic...but I do....


NEXT FRIDAY I WILL BE 5/9 OF THE WAY DONE WITH PHARMACY SCHOOL ROTATIONS!!!!!!!


That means only 4 more rotations between me and graduation. Pretty Epic if you ask me.

Seems I was walking in the wrong direction I barely recognized my own reflection

I feel like Me again. I feel comfortable in my skin. And I am proud of who I am and the accomplishments I have.

It may seem like this is coming out of left field, but I assure you it is not. I had an amazing night out with a friend. We literally sat there and just talked for hours. I can't tell you how much I actually needed that. (No offense to my roommate/best friend who listens to me all the time-she is one of the best listeners ever) I just needed to sit down with someone else and just converse like an adult.

I've felt like screaming for quite some time now, because I knew that I just needed to talk-to someone, to anyone. And tonight, FINALLY, I did. We talked about the past year; the steps and the trials, the mistakes and the triumphs, the sadness and the joy. It was therapeutic, it was cleansing, it was exactly what I needed. For almost 4 hours we sat and just talked about nothing, about everything, and all the silly things in between.

A lot has transpired since I took out my endowments. I had some steps backwards, but I really don't think I should call them that-because they sprung me forward and helped me grow. I'm content with myself, I recognize myself, and as far as I can tell I'm walking in the right direction.

After almost 3 years of pokes and prods from the Spirit, I have finally listened.

Tonight, I printed the necessary paper to take to the temple so I can finally do my Beautiful Grandma's work.

I miss her so much it hurts. I can't explain to anyone the kind of woman she was, because in order to understand her-you just had to know her. There was a light that beamed from her. I swear when the doctors opened her chest, they were blinded by the light that shined from her heart. So sometime next month, I will stand in as proxy to be baptized and confirmed and then to receive her initiatory and endowment. I can't breathe when I think about it, I clam up and am overwhelmed with emotions. But I know this is what she wants and I know she has been patiently waiting for me to do her work.

So tonight is for my beautiful Grandma June-the world lost one of its brightest and heaven gained one of the best when you left this world.

Love me when I least deserve it, because that is when I really need it.

President Monson spoke of gratitude this past conference. I love listening to a Prophet's voice. So tonight, when I should be sleeping, I have decided to speak of the gratitude I have for my best/closest friends.

For My Grandmother: who is always a shining star in my life, who has taught me the true meaning of unconditional love, who has never failed me and who never will. If I could be more like anyone in this world, I would take all her best qualities, keep my sas, and be a remarkably witty and beautiful woman (inside and out)
“The greatest treasures are those invisible to the eye but found by the heart.”

For my high school best friend (and my soul mate-even though you are now married): who has always had faith in me, who taught me about the Gospel and what it truly means to live it, who's life matches my own-through trials, through joy, and through time. Who was the first person to call me out and stick around, who loves my family like her own (even if they drive her crazy). I know we were hand crafted as friends, because 'I am you, and you are me'
“Friends are God's way of apologizing to us for our families.”


For my adult best friend: Nobody fights better then us, but it works because I am constantly challenged to be a better person, no one has had more of an impact then you on my spiritual growth, no one has pushed me as hard, but helped me up along the way. There is something very special about finding a friend through the spirit-sometimes it seems as though my spirit knows you best. Your strength and testimony are beautiful. And yes, you are amazing. What I love most is that you teach me I'm amazing too.
“Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, 'What! You too? I thought I was the only one”


For my closest friends (and you better know who you are because saturday morning yoga and brunch would never be the same without you): Thank you for love, laughter, and life. I couldn't imagine closer sisters then you.
“I have met a lot of hardboiled eggs in my time, but you're twenty minutes.”

What Can I Say?

Today was a day. I have lots of thoughts, from Sunday through today, but as I try to convey them out of my brain and into my blog-I have a block. Guess that means it will have to wait.

The truth is I can't put the words down, until I sort it out. And I don't see that happening anytime soon. All I know is that I tried and now I'm stuck. Probably should be better at conquering my pride and just convey thoughts.

In other news: I'm trying to be better about updating, my new goal is to post at least once a week...we will see how long that lasts.