Just a reminder to myself:

JUST KEEP SWIMMING

and a extra special thank you to The Brow-I needed that boost.

I went to the Temple today-it was my first time back since I took out my endowments. It was still as beautiful and sacred as the first time. I think I prepared to many things to workout in my heart and head that weighed down my brain, but it was still so important. I love the temple. I love the clarity it brings. I love being taught over and over again. I love being reminded of my covenants.

Most of all I love being reminded that I am a Daughter of God. I think sometimes the world tears women down so much that we forget that simple, yet absolutely necessary trait about ourselves. My friend Arianne made me this CD and on it there is this song that I have listened to almost every day the past two weeks-and every time I do it brings me to tears. That was my favorite part the first time I went through the temple and today I was again reminded that it brings me such comfort, such joy, such love.

Do you understand who you are?
Part of the Father lives in you.
And if you continue on this path
Every promise God has given will come true.

Heaven on earth, in the House of God so much fills your heart and mind.
Woman of great worth, woman of promise, daughter of the divine;
Pure and holy, in a long white dress
You promise forever and you are blessed.
And the Father looks down and the angels surround that place.
They know the truth—all that you can do
And you do too, 'cause you have eyes to see
What heaven sees in you.

Along with this song, there was a section in the BOM that I couldn't stop going back to in my personal studying this week. Inside the temple, I read the verses again and it made sense. I guess my lesson for the temple was to remember that Joy comes through and in our Father in Heaven and our Savior. I am beyond grateful for the love of my father in Heaven. I am grateful for my family and friends who support me constantly. I am grateful for my roommates: for Sarah because she is my partner in crime-my confidant and my friend; for Stephanie because she loves like me and reminds me its okay to be human. I am grateful for the temple. I wish everyone could understand how close we can actually be to our father when we are in the temple. I would give anything to be in the temple every day-it is the one place I know without any doubt that my Father hears me and is constantly there. If only everyone could know that.

Have you ever hated your head? I don't mean the actual head that rests on your neck and shoulders. I mean the head that can't ever stop thinking that can't ever be still.

Well I hate my head. In case you all wanted to know. I love our new house...I love the spirit. But I hate how all my stuff in my room is all over the place. I feel claustrophobic. I've never had my room this small-crammed with all my stuff. So its weighing down on my head.

Add to that the fact that I need a really good breakdown. A wholesome cry; one that will allow me to deal with the choice my heart finally made. One that will help me to forgive myself for fighting with my mom. I need to cry and let it all out, but can't ever do it because there is always someone at my house. I am starting to feel claustrophobic throughout my whole house (which isn't really even my house and that stresses me out more-not that Stephanie hasn't let us make this our home-its just the principle that she owns it and we just stay here-Again I love my roommate and the person she is and the home she has let us call our own-I'm just letting some of the thoughts out of my head and into here)

Again-all of this is swarming in that beautiful HEAD of mine. I want to cut it off. Do I really need it? Because it just causes me so much grief and turmoil. (I need that wholesome cry-it really would help...)

I'm reading this new book...I chose it because Steve Young stated that it was a profoundly helpful exploration into how the Lord offers to free us from the clutches of every impure thought, feeling, belief, and habit.

Now, I dont generally struggle with impure thoughts...and my beliefs seem to be right on track. But when I think about the feelings I sometimes have-whether they be fear, heartbreak, selfishness, abandonment, etc-I wonder to myself if sometimes I need to be freed from the clutches of these. I cannot count the number of times I have fallen to my knees begging my Father for more patience and more love towards certain people during certain times or begging to be rid of the obsessive thoughts that roll through the corriders of my mind.

I think a lot of times the feelings come from self percieved inadequacies or insecurities. Going to the temple really helped my self worth. The magnitude of love that I felt on that day cannot ever be described. The peace my inner mind was granted through sacred words is a miracle. And I wish that I could remember those feelings (or stay inside the temple) constantly. But it is not the easiest task to perform...that natural man is a real party pooper. And I would be lying if I said I was strong enough to kick him out of my life for good.

But what I love is that through the atonement, we all can slowly begin to win the wrestling match with the natural man. We all can learn a few more moves to pin him out of our lives for good.

"I am the way," the Lord declared. "After your tribulation I will feel after you, And if you harden not your hearts, and stiffen not your necks against me, I will heal you."

"There are moments in life when the heart is so full of emotion, that if by chance it be shaken or into its depths a pebble drops, it overflows."

This is my heart. I don't even know where to start with my experiences over the last few days. I don't know how to express my gratitude for the love that my heart has for everyone who shared my day. Nothing in my entire life has meant more to me then being in the Temple with the people who have supported me throughout this decision. I am overwhelmed with love for my Grandma and Chantal-who stood by my side through every part. I am so grateful to Beka, Arianne, Jessica D., Jessica G., and Joseph for preparing me and then being there in the Temple. I'm grateful to those who came but did not come in, or to those who came but had problems along the way. (My Mom, Sarah, Orin, Pam, Evan, and Melissa) And finally, to Dan-the boy I have loved with all my heart for 8 years. The Man-friend that loves me best.

I am forever grateful to all of my friends who supported this decision. "Life is partly what we make it and partly what it is made by the friends we choose."

I love to see the temple..I'm going there today. I'll covenant with my Father, I'll promise to obey.

It is s silent in my house-other then the sounds of nature outside my kitchen window. Everyone is snuggled in their beds scattered throughout the house. I have been awake for hours. My heart pitter-pattering with excitement and full of emotion. I don't know what it is like to be an emotional pregnant woman...but if it is anything like the cup of emotions I have this morning...Wow.

My cup is so full right now; it is on the verge of running over. How amazing our Father-in-Heaven's plan is-such simplicity and beauty lies in this plan. I've always known in my heart that this was right, but recently its more then right for me...it has become my everything.

Today I enter the temple. Today I take out my endowments. Today I finally accomplish the promise I made to myself all those years ago. The gravity of that accomplishment makes my cup spill over...it is better then any other goal I have set for myself. It defines me. It provides great happiness-and while I know it is not an end point, it is a great check-point.

So in the last few moments of silence I have this morning, I have to say: Oh sweet the joy this sentence gives-I KNOW THAT MY REDEEMER LIVES.

I got a phone call today that disoriented me...

The boy I have loved for 8 years is flying into town to go to the temple...with me...

Can you talk about tender mercies of the Lord?