My Journey

Live in the Moment (or at least attempt to every chance you get)

2012-02-09T13:00:00.000-08:00

I feel as though I have been running at warp speed for a few weeks now. Just yesterday I told Jessica that I do this to myself, I run as fast as I can-only to crash for a few moments and then get back up and run again. (I didn't realize in telling her this I would doom myself to a crash the very next day!) This is obviously not a healthy pattern-because during a crash I melt down (and honestly feel like a two year old child in all of my behaviors).

The scriptures clearly state that we are not meant to run faster then we can, but yet I find that some of us have this inherent need to run-to make up for all the areas that we are struggling with. Sometimes I feel like if I just keep myself busy enough, I'll get it right-I won't make these ridiculous mistakes and I might even do enough that makes me feel like I am getting it all right. (A little to honest? sorry.)

So today, after several days of just small things going wrong, I finally hit the break point. As a pharmacist we have to be the final catch all for mistakes-we are responsible for protecting the patient. Today, because I've been running far to fast, I made a mistake that while innocent today, any other day-with any other drug could have hurt the patient. I don't expect myself to be infallible and there are extenuating circumstances-which set the stage. But my thoughts are now reflecting on what I need to do to find the balance.

My co-resident and I were talking (okay, so I was crying) this morning and she says to me, "Amber-you have got this part of you that is so confident in all you do-because you work hard to know what you know and you have confidence in your ability. But then there is another part of you that lets what others say/do unravel your confidence in yourself and your ability. You cannot live your life this way-you have to take that confidence, your light, and hold it up. Especially when you are under pressure. You know who you are-don't let others shake that confidence."

My co-resident is not a member of my church-but I found her words to be exactly what I needed to hear (what I think I have been trying to hear all week). I have been running as fast as possible this week, filling my days up with more then I could ever accomplish to get away from some feelings that have been really eating at me. Feelings that stemmed from comments from another person-feelings that caused me to pull into myself and doubt everything I know about myself. (As a side bar: our institute teacher told us last week that Satan doesn't know our thoughts-so the first initial doubts enter from ourselves. And then through our actions, Satan continues to shake our confidence down.) So essentially, I have taken my confidence in myself (and ultimately in my Heavenly Father) and I doubted-that doubt then was only magnified by the adversary. (Little bugger.)

My point is (yes, I am finally getting there) that Satan doesn't ever attack me in doubting Heavenly Father, but he attacks me in doubting myself. In order to prevent all of this cycle, I have to identify the running, not let others shake me so, and take time to take care of myself. (How we all need to remember that a little time for ourselves is not selfish-but healthy)

I'm loving my life this year. I am working on becoming the person I want to be-the person Heavenly Father wants me to be. But in the process I have to remember to slow down and take it all in.

"As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let us down, probably will. You'll have your heart broken and you'll break others' hearts. You'll fight with your best friend or maybe even fall in love with them, and you'll cry because time is flying by. So take too many pictures, laugh too much, forgive freely, and love like you've never been hurt. Life comes with no guarantees, no time outs, no second chances. you just have to live life to the fullest, tell someone what they mean to you and tell someone off, speak out, dance in the pouring rain, hold someone's hand, comfort a friend, fall asleep watching the sun come up, stay up late, be a flirt, and smile until your face hurts. Don't be afraid to take chances or fall in love and most of all, live in the moment because every second you spend angry or upset is a second of happiness you can never get back."

Hold your breath...

2012-02-07T21:34:00.000-08:00

An update is coming....but for now this is all you get:

ONE PICTURE:

LOVE YOUR LIFE

Sing It and Sing It LOUD!

2012-01-11T13:38:00.000-08:00

2. Stand-Rascal Flatts

This song describes my personality-my survival-in every way. Its not necessarily the best song I have ever heard. But it reminds me of how important it is to get back up when you get knocked down.

Cause when push comes to shove
You taste what you're made of
You might bend till you break
Cause it's all you can take
On your knees you look up
Decide you've had enough
You get mad, you get strong
Wipe your hands, shake it off
Then you stand, then you stand

Everytime you get up
And get back in the race
One more small piece of you

1. Be Still My Soul

My absolute favorite hymn. And a constant reminder that God has everything (EVERYTHING) under control. There might be times that the storm rages around me, but I have to remember that 'winds and waves shall obey' His command.

Be still, my soul: The Lord is on thy side;

With patience bear thy cross of grief or pain.

Leave to thy God to order and provide;

In ev'ry change he faithful will remain.

Be still, my soul: Thy best, thy heav'nly Friend

Thru thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

Be still, my soul: Thy God doth undertake

To guide the future as he has the past.

Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;

All now mysterious shall be bright at last.

Be still, my soul: The waves and winds still know

His voice who ruled them while he dwelt below.

Paradise City

2012-01-11T13:27:00.000-08:00

3. Ever After

"You look like a Girl!" "That's What I Am HALF-WIT!" "Yes, but today you look it!" "Boy or Girl, I can still whoop you."

I watched this movie in the theatre with my Grandma June and I remember the awe I felt when watching this movie. I love that she is strong, that she is willing to fight; I love that she is passionate about her life, that she takes care of the people who take care of her. I loved that Da Vinci didn't change her, but instead pointed out her beauty. Cause isn't that true about all of us? We are already beautiful, we just need to know it.

"Breathe. Just Breathe."

2. BBC Versions of Jane Austen

I have to condense these into one-because I love them all the same. I love Sense and Sensibility, I love Emma, I love Pride and Prejudice. I watch them on repeat and never get sick of them!

Besides, how can you not rank Mr. Darcy?! Oh, Mr. Darcy, how I love thee.

1. Empire Records

Yes. I know. Judge away. Its a B-rate movie (maybe even C-rate). But Ethan Embry is ADORABLE. And I really love how ridiculous each character is-they make me laugh.

So even though its probably making you cringe, Empire Records is definitely one of my favorite movies.

Unveiling of this year's theme!!!!

2012-01-01T15:52:00.000-08:00

As always this theme has been months in the making. I have sat pondering the growth that occurred from 'making the choice to become' and figuring out where I need to go from there. My theme this year is a little confusing, because there are so many parts to it. (Like I said, this was a long time in the making and there were many talks/experiences that influenced it.)

So without any more delay, here is the quote that inspired the majority of my theme this year:

"Meekness, however, is more than self-restraint; it is the presentation of self in a posture of kindness and gentleness, reflecting certitude, strength, serenity, and a healthy self-esteem and self-control."

-Neal A. Maxwell

What I want to do is break apart this quote and really explain the role it will have over the next year. (Brace yourself, this will probably be a very long post!)

1st: The presentation of self in a posture of kindness and gentleness

I remember sitting in the chapel listening to President Uchdorft's "Forget-me-not" talk. I heard him state, "Just think of it: you are known and remembered by the most majestic, powerful, and glorious Being in the universe! You are loved by the king of infinite space and everlasting time! He who created and knows the stars knows you and your name--you are the daughters of His kingdom." It was at that moment that personal revelation overwhelmed me and my heart filled with the warmth you feel when sitting in the sunlight. I spent the last year coming to know that King! I sought Him out and found that just as the scriptures say, He was there with open arms, waiting to enfold me in His embrace.In that moment, I felt a moment of joy that can only be described as 'going home'.

I found this beautiful component of kindness and gentleness to be something I need more for myself-because after all, I am a daughter of a King. How very important it is for me to treat myself with love and respect.

And then carry that love, respect, kindness, and gentleness to all those around me. How very important it is that each of us knows that God knows us and numbers us among the stars. This is an additional thing I think of when I read presentation of self in a posture of kindness and gentleness. Everyone has struggles, everyone has their own demons and challenges; EVERYONE needs a little more kindness and gentleness. And for some reason, Heavenly Father has given me a gift of being able to love-to see a person as an individual. And now, I want to really work on loving as he does. I want to see the worth of souls and help them to feel God's love for them. I want to serve from the bottom of my heart and give myself completely to following Christ's teachings.

2nd: reflecting certitude, strength, serenity

The dictionary defines certitude as 'absolute certainty or conviction that something is the case; something that someone firmly believes is true'. Make no mistake about my conviction about this Gospel. My testimony burns so brightly that it overwhelms my soul sometimes. I think about how grateful I am for all the many challenges that have caused this testimony to burn. In reflecting over the past year, I think of all the many tender mercies that came as I have made the choice to seek out Christ-to involve Him in my life's choices. And from that conviction comes an inner strength that is indescribable. I have accomplished so very much in my short life. And I know that there is no possible way I could have done any of it without the tender mercies of God.

I want to continue this pattern, of involving my Father in Heaven in my life, with consistency-to really reflect certitude and strength. And then with this, find that inner peace-the serenity-that comes with really knowing God and understanding the plan that he has for me as an individual and all of us as a collective group.

I was talking with my new roommate the other night and we were discussing how God is ALWAYS there in the details. That we have free will-we get to make a choice-but that the second we choose the better part, God takes over. He gives us the choice, but he helps to control the outcome in our lives as much as we allow Him. There is serenity in this concept that I want to find-a great strength in knowing God on that level. I want to dedicate this year to knowing my Savior on this level.

3rd: a healthy self-esteem and self-control

And now the area I struggle with so much. I know with a surety that my Savior loves me, that I am a daughter of God. But yet somehow, I forget that I am precious. I forget my value and I let the world around me tear me down. I find that when these attacks come, my self-control slips little by little. I don't want this for my life any more! I want to learn meekness so that I can have better self-control.

There is a wonderful talk from Sister Holland, 'Becoming Woman of Greater Faith', in this talk Sister Holland states: 'Have the courage to be imperfect on the road to perfection." Self-control is like a muscle-it requires constant use to build up its strength. And when we lack self control, Satan has complete control over our path in life. Elder Holland has reminded me, "The only real control in this life, is self-control." This is my goal for this year. To love myself a little more, to remember that I am not forgotten, and to consistently 'flex' my self-control.

In President Uchtdorf's conference talk, he stated: "God loves the meek and the humble". I don't fully understand meekness, but I hope by the end of this year I will know it a little more and that I will be able to reach down within myself to develop this trait. That through my goals and direction I will be able to consistently align my life with Christ's teachings and dedicate myself to serenity.

And now time for the GOALS

1. Read the New Testament-Learn more of Christ's ministry and how to apply those teachings to my own life

2. Seek out opportunities to serve (and serve in the right way, without expecting blessings, but instead for the betterment of others)

3. Consistently make the choice (my theme last year can't just be forgotten! Instead I have to consistently do it!)

4. Pay off some of my debt (starting with the small things and working to the big ones!)

5. Get published! (with my first manuscript)

6. Run a half-marathon (gotta do it this year...I ain't no spring chicken)

7. Make a trip to VA (Hopefully in the Fall with Grace! And to see my all my favorites, including my BEST friend. Cause I miss her like crazy-and maybe convince her to finally come to Texas *hint,hint*)

8. Be Healthier (Exercising, simplifying my diet, and loving myself every day)

9. Read 25 books

10. Go to the Temple 2x a month

11. Less media, more time choosing the 'better part'

12. Meet Heather's baby (my new little munchkin to spoil! I think I'm going to call him/her a giraffe!)

There's a lot there-but I can do this. I can master myself and make these steps. I am so excited for this year-27 will be a year to beat!

Books Books Everywhere!

2011-12-29T10:45:00.000-08:00

"Books open your mind, broaden your mind, and strengthen you as nothing else can."

-William Feather

"You know you've read a good book when you turn the last page and feel a little as if you have lost a friend."

-Paul Sweeny

Pride and Prejudice

Always a favorite. I've read it enough times to declare it as such. It has definitely made me a hopeless romantic, but not in the ways that most people are affected by it.

Molokai

A beautiful story of overcoming trials and facing the internal demons that may arise from said trials. I read it after graduating from college (the first time) and it helped me to be brave enough to face some of my own demons. I'm ready to read it again.

A Lesson Before Dying

This was a book I was required to read for a class. I have never looked at certain things the same way since finishing it.

The Book of Mormon

It really has become my favorite book. Every time I read it, I learn so much more. It is a book that has definitely shaped my life.

Last Year in Review

2011-12-28T17:33:00.000-08:00

I don't even know where to start or how to start. My life this past year has been a whirlwind of change and growth. So I guess I'll just do a synopsis of each month and then reflect upon my theme and goals for the past year and ultimately my successes and failures (or lack of completion for a better term).

January

Completed a rotation at UVA in Peds with Marcia Buck. Waited to hear back from residency programs and started scheduling interviews.

February

Trips all over for residency interviews: Seattle, Boise, California, Virginia, and Texas. Started my second to last rotation at Buford road. Lots of rock climbing with Jordan.

March

Final rotation in Shiprock, NM. Which included tons of trips to the four-corners region. Saw the grand canyon, mesa verde, santa fe, flagstaff, and so much more! Made the drive from NM to VA by myself in 2 days (and I am not sure if I was totally crazy or amazing). Oh yeah and I celebrated turning 26...if you can celebrate that...

April

Organized everything for my boards. Started studying. And spent time with the people I loved in VA. Lots of wonderful walks with Sandy and tons of conversations with Jessica.

May

Graduated from pharmacy school. Proudest moment of my life. So very grateful for my family and friends who made the moment spectacular.

June

Took my boards and passed! Had some crazy moments with Scott Backus in Newport News. Started to say goodbye to old friends.

July

Packed up my home in VA. Spent as much time as possible with my favorite people. Saw the final Harry Potter at midnight and then drove with Stephy and PapaBear to Texas. (After of course staying up all night talking to my Best Friend Jessica. And doing everything I could to hold onto the moments we had left.)

August

Suffered from heat exhaustion every day in Texas. Met my co-residents and office mates. Arianne came to visit me! Lots of adventures.

September

Research. Visit with Uncle Mike. More Texas heat. Lindsay and Bobby moved in for a bit.

October-November

Complete blur. Internal Medicine rotation for 2 months: 4am to 10pm. Texas is still hot. Crazy. Awesome Halloween party. Trip to PapaBear's for Thanksgiving (what a wonderful break and amazing time-I am so very grateful for my PapaBear)

December

New Orleans to present my research! Finished out my first six months as a resident! Spent Christmas in Texas-finally getting cooler.

The move to Texas was huge for me. I wish that I could write and talk about how wonderful it has been-but that would be a stretch. Its getting better-don't get me wrong. But it really is hard to uproot your life, to leave the ones you love, and start over again. Texas has brought a lot of growth in itself, a lot of depending on the Lord, and I am really excited for the new year to focus on my new theme and learn to love texas.

But before we get to all of that, last year's theme and goals:

My theme was based around the quote: "In order to become what we want to be, we have to consistently be what we want to become."

Make the Choice to simplify my life

This has been an ongoing process. With the move to Texas I have started to declutter my life and am continuing to work on that. Luckily I haven't had a lot of extra money, so I haven't been able to spend it on needless things. I've not been excellent on focusing on the key relationships in my life, but I have done a lot better then normally. I really focused on seeking out Christ in the Book of Mormon and through that process, came to understand him better-to understand the better parts of me. So overall, I give this a check!

Make the choice to act and not be acted upon

This theme was a major plus from January through August. And then I lost my footing a little. I became overwhelmed with the fear that I had made the wrong choice in moving to Texas, that I had misunderstood revelation. However, after a few weeks of floundering, I found my footholds again and really chose to not be acted upon. So I will give this a check!

Make the choice to be healthy

A perpetual struggle. However, I ran some races (thanks to Jessica Donbrosky!) and I finally got a gym membership! I was going to classes every day for a week, but then Christmas break came and I got lazy. So overall, no check! But there is always next year.

Make the choice to be productive

This one is hard to write, especially after the last week where I have not done a great job. However, I think overall I have done a really good job at focusing on things and accomplishing them. There is still tons of improvement to be done, but I managed to complete residency applications, to study for my boards, to move to Texas, to complete my courses and research project, to teach students, and to complete internal medicine! Thus, CHECK!

3/4 checks! Not bad. Good year. Improvements to be made, but there will always be improvements. So here is to next year-and the theme that is to come.

Thanksgiving is fast approaching

2011-11-20T19:33:00.000-08:00

So what better way to get in the mood, then listing my 5 favorite foods! (haha, that rhyming is just to awesome to change)

Jessica Donbrosky's Oatmeal Cookies with Cinnamon Chips

Summer squash casserole

Grandma's Green Bean Casserole

Jessica Donbrosky's Honey Bun Cake

(she makes the list twice cause her desserts did me in all the time!)

Lemon Bars

(I do believe I have a problem-3/5 of my favorite foods are desserts. OY VEY.)

I've been things and I have seen places.

2011-11-15T14:38:00.001-08:00

“The more that you read, the more things you will know. The more that you learn, the more places you'll go.”

6. Oceanside, CA

I love this place. There are so many memories, so much growth, and substantial peace that I find every time I find myself there. Nothing is better for me then a walk on the beach, the sand between my toes; a shake from Rudy's on the pier; a sunset over the water; and a trip to Chandler's for a glass bulb in memory of Grandma.

5. Island Park

I love my mountains. I love swimming at buttercream with my cousins. I love horseshoe tournaments and playing cards all day long. I love homemade donuts and sleeping on the hard ground. I love waking up and warming up by the campfire. I love fishing and hiking. I love Island Park.

4. Virginia

My home. I love fall and the changing of the leaves. I love the history and culture. I love my village-those who raised me.

3. Grandma's House

Who doesn't love grandma's house?! Hugs and kisses. Delicious food. And time with the best little woman in the world.

2. Italy/Spain/Greece

Best trip of my life.

1. The Temple

Doesn't matter where it is located, it will always be my favorite place on earth.

7 wants: Fantasy or Reality?!

2011-11-15T14:30:00.001-08:00

“I've learned that everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurs while you're climbing it.”

7. This dumb class to be over.

No for reals. I strongly dislike my Tuesday afternoon class. I come and do nothing related to the class. Instead I play on my computer, work on other assignments, or read a book. (I finished the Hunger Games in this class...)

6. A second job.

Cause then maybe I can afford to go home for Christmas and not stress at the end of every month and pay people back and all that jazz. (I have a phone interview tomorrow...fingers crossed!)

5. To be debt free.

See number 6.

4. A horse farm.

Horses make me ridiculously happy. Why would I not want a horse farm?

3. To run a marathon, without actually running.

I said fantasy/reality. Its my want list. Stop judging me.

2. To be better at bearing my testimony outside of church.

Its a good want.

1. To get married (SOMEDAY).

Well...I do....

200?!! Really?!! 200!!!

2011-11-07T19:48:00.000-08:00

So I'm feeling a lot of pressure to make this post spectacular because it is my 200th post on this blog! This blog has been an outlet for my frustrations, for my sadness, my testimony, and ultimately my journeys over the last few years.

So for this post I just want to say that I am very grateful for so very much today. I had a very rough Sunday-the dam of emotions that I have been shoving down inside for over 3 months finally blew and I'm pretty sure I spent more time crying then I did anything else. But it was so good for me-I needed it more then I knew.

Then today, I set out with the intention to just have a decent day. And of course, I got so much more-another tender mercy of the Lord.

I am so, so very grateful for the love my Father in Heaven has for me. I am grateful that it gives me purpose and strength. I am grateful that it heals my wounds and builds me up. I am so very grateful for Him and all He does.

The only thing we have to fear, is fear itself...

2011-10-15T19:40:00.000-07:00

That being said, I'm pretty sure I have more then 8 fears...but I'll list my biggest ones!

#8:

Heights. Oh yea. I know I'm a rock-climber. But have you seen me climb with just anyone?! No. You can chalk that one up to Jessica Voqui (I still love you) since she dropped me when we were climbing once! Yeah-talk about making your fear worse.

#7:

Going blind. It runs in my family and I'd rather die before I lost my sight. (I'm sure if it happens, I'll survive-but I'd rather not find out)

#6, #5, #4:

Failure. Disappointing people. Not being good enough. (They all go together-and they circle my brain constantly)

#3:

Losing my two remaining Grandparents. I know it's inevitable-but I'm hoping they can stick around til I get married and have a few kids and maybe even a few grandkids. I'm ridiculously close to my Papabear and my Gamma is my best friend. It was hard enough losing my Grandpa Ron and my Grandma June. I can't imagine going through that all over again.

#2:

Scary movies. I know its ironic. But I hate them and I'm afraid of them-to the point that I refuse to even read what they are about.

#1:

Hobo spiders. Not all spiders. Just those nasty Hobo spiders that sneak into your basement, climb up your bathroom walls, and chase you when you find one. (Uncle Mike-you are still on the crap list for letting one jump on me when you were trying to feed Petey. *SHIVER*)

9?! 9?! I hate multiples of 3!!!

2011-10-15T19:04:00.000-07:00

Better get this one over quick!!!

"A heart full of love, A heart full of song."

#9:

Orin and Bryant told me that I have way to many of them. But I don't care! I can't get enough of books. And I don't want a kindle, because I love to touch my books, I like to smell them, and I write all over them. In short, I love books.

#8:

I love the temple. When I was younger, I thought that I loved only the Idaho Falls temple, but then I feel in love with the Washington DC temple, and now I love the San Antonio temple. So I've learned its not the location, but the actual temple.

#7:

I think its important to know that along with temples, I absolutely love the Gospel and being a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (in sense, a mormon). With all the recent challenges and political comments recently, I just want it to be known that I am Christian, that I believe in Jesus Christ and that I know Joseph Smith was a prophet of God. My testimony is surrounded by love for the gospel and love surrounds me. =)

#6:

Oh yea. Me and sleep-BFF's for life. Seriously. Give me a soft blanket, some pillows, and a bed and I'll snuggle down. I nap like a champ. And when I say nap, I really mean I sleep for 2-3 hours at a time. I love sleep. And I don't get enough of it!

I love my 3 best friends. I have been so lucky to find 3 very different people, who each make my life so much better. My life-time best friend, Heather Anne. My college best friend, Stephanie K. And my adult best friend, Jessica TB. There are many other important people in my life, great friends who have impacted me and I love them all-but these three girls I love more then words can describe. Their friendships have changed my life for the better and despite how things may change, they will always be a part of my life.

#4:

My family is also another love of mine. Although they drive me crazy, they also support me and their encouragement makes me work harder (especially when I feel like throwing in the towel). I'm grateful for such a large family-who will drive 28+ hours to come see me, who will spend an entire day cooking for me, or who will let me call and rant at all hours of the day. My family is far from perfect, but I would not trade them for the world. I love them fiercely and completely.

#3:

There is a special place in my heart for this particular family member. My PapaBear is my hero. I always struggled with feeling so different and then I realized, I'm not different. I take after my grandfather-a person who defeated all odds and became something amazing. Our relationship is something that is very important to me and something I love.

#2:

I love musicals. My favorites are Les Miserables, Wicked, and Rent. At times, I wish my life were an actual musical.

#1:

My number one love is my scriptures. My Gamma got me my scriptures for Christmas when I was 15. They were the first set I had ever had and they had my name on them. Now, they are old and full of my markings. They show the growth of my testimony and my knowledge of God. They also show the struggles I faced and how I overcame them and stayed close to my Father in Heaven. They are the most precious thing I own and I love them so very much.

Challenges

2011-09-28T08:55:00.000-07:00

I've been up and down, riding a roller coaster of emotions for the past month. I've always been a pretty emotional person-I think this is what happens when you wear your heart on your sleeve. The interesting thing is that I actually hate being emotional-I hate crying and if I cry I get extremely frustrated which only makes me more emotional. But this is not fair to myself and after President Uchtdorf's talk, I have realized that I need to be kinder to myself and let myself feel the emotions because they are essential for my growth and they make me the person that I know I want to be-because lets be honest, I don't want to have no emotion. I'd rather feel EVERYTHING-this way I get to feel those 'lows' and in return feel those 'highs'.

So I am challenging myself to be who I am and to let myself feel these emotions and learn from them. I'm also taking Jessica's challenge to change up my blog posting.

Charles Sanford said, 'Secrets are made to be found out with time.'

I guess now is the time for 10 of my secrets (just 10! Its all you get so don't be greedy)

#10:

I know that I cannot sing, but when I am all alone, I will sing songs over and over again at the top of my lungs-actually believing that I sound amazing.

#9:

I tell people that I don't think I am pretty cause mostly I don't-but I love my eyes and my nose. My eyes give everything away, they show every ounce of my love for people. And my nose is perfect for my face (plus it can hold a spoon and swing it back and forth and that's pretty awesome)

#8:

Sometimes, when people are interested in a subject that I know nothing about I will go and research the topic just so that I can talk to them and not feel dumb.

#7:

I fall quickly for people-even quicker then my closest friends know. And that scares me because I worry I'm more in love with the idea of falling in love then with the actual person.

#6:

My mom calls me Yammy and I tell everyone I hate it-but I actually really love that my mom has a pet name for me. I love it even more then the way she says 'San Francisco'

#5:

I love the way some boys smell. Clean or dirty. And when I was younger, I used to spray my pillow with cologne so that I would dream about cute boys.

#4:

I'm totally boy crazy (see comment above) and I have hoped my entire life that I would grow out of it-but I don't think I ever will.

#3:

I really do hate the number 3, but I don't hate all odd numbers like I tell everyone. I prefer even numbers, but there really isn't anything wrong with 5 or 7 or 11. Its just those darn multiples of 3 and the 'why' is a secret I won't share!

#2:

I secretly wish I could write as well as my best friend. The stories she comes up with fascinate me and I wish that I could be that creative. I actually tried writing a story while I was in high school and I'm sure if I read it today, I would laugh at how ridiculous it was.

#1:

When I was younger, I wanted to be the first female president of the United States. But the older I get, I realize I'm really not as 'Type A' as I thought-so there is no way I'd ever be able to get the job done!

Scriptures

2011-09-08T06:50:00.000-07:00

Recently, I decided to follow the charge of Elder Bednar to get a new copy of the Book of Mormon and seek out Christ. Because of this challenge I have not used my personal set of scriptures since July. Last night, however, I pulled them out to use them for my institute class. When I opened them I was overwhelmed by my love for the scriptures.

My personal scriptures are wrecked. They have pages ripped out of them, they are stained in places, and they have different colored markings and writings all throughout them. But they are mine and I have used them since I was 15 to 'seek out the truth' and to 'come unto Christ'.

I am very grateful for the scriptures we have on the earth today-for the lessons they teach and for their ability to bring us into the fold of God. My heart really does rejoice in scripture.

And I Just Want My Heart to Fall Apart

2011-09-07T18:00:00.000-07:00

Life has been so wonderful-really-but there are things missing. Holes that can't just be filled by anyone and conversations that just aren't occurring. I miss my best friend, in fact I ache for her. I miss talking for hours upon hours about everything with such clarity and perspective.

I've loved my new institute class-its like the top of my head is opened and revelation just flows in. I've felt so blessed by my relationship with my Father in Heaven. Its never been better-I wish that I could put it into words, but its impossible. I've never understood Christ better and I've never wanted to improve my life more.

My Uncle Mike surprised me this weekend and stayed for a few days. I'm so grateful for him and his love for me. It was a quick trip, but I enjoyed every minute of it.

I'm going to my first college football game Saturday and I cannot wait! I also cannot decide who to root for!

Drenched in Destiny

2011-08-31T13:07:00.000-07:00

I have been reflecting recently on how intwined my life is with the gospel. Every day it seems as though what I am learning 'in the world' ties back to my faith and teaches me more about Heavenly Father's plan for us. With this reflection and pondering, I have felt a stirring within my heart and deep in my gut (to a place I can only describe as the very essence of me-my soul). I've attributed this feeling recently to gratitude, something I feel is very different from being thankful. I told a friend this past weekend, that to me gratitude has components of love, of respect, and of reverence. To quote myself:

"I am so grateful for Heavenly Father creating me exactly as I am. I am so far from perfect and there are a lot of things I struggle with liking about myself-but I really do love how perfectly Heavenly Father created my spiritual being. I love how in tune with the Spirit I can get-how simplistic and beautiful the gospel is to me. How much peace I gain from the knowledge that I am his daughter and that he loves me individually and unconditionally. I love how at times I can feel his love and feel how proud of me he is-and that when I feel that way, I gain a desire to work harder...There are lots of things that I am thankful for-my health, my home, a job, etc. But gratitude is something I can feel within myself...My gratitude for how perfectly Heavenly Father has planned our lives, individually and specific, brings me to the point of tears and my soul longs for the day I can kneel at his feet and literally 'bathe his feet with my tears' for all that he has done for me."

I've continued to let these thoughts mix with my feelings of moving to Texas and with all the changes in my life recently. And then today, I randomly decided to look for a talk that someone had once told me to read-and as I read it, those feelings of reverence and love (ultimately of gratitude) stirred within my heart and soul. I'm so grateful for my Heavenly Father and for His specific presence in my own life. I feel at peace and I feel like I am walking the right path in life. As I read these words by Neal A. Maxwell, I recognized these thoughts within myself:

"This mortal experience through which we are passing is one in which beauties abound; subtleties and delicacies are all about us, waiting to be noticed. Wonders are everywhere to be seen...There are real costs associated with meekness. A significant down payment must be made. But it can come from our sufficient supply of pride. We must also be willing to endure the subsequent erosion of unbecoming ego. Furthermore, our hearts will be broken in order that they might be rebuilt. As Ezekiel said, one's task is to 'make you a new heart and a new spirit'. There is no way that such dismantling, such erosion, such rebuilding can occur without real cost in pain, pride, adjustments, and even some dismay. Yet since we cannot be 'acceptable before God save we are meek and lowly in heart', the reality of that awesome requirement must be heeded."

I don't know if that will have the same effect on you as it did me-but 'wow' is all I can say. We are meant to see the beauty and delicacies in our lives-the wondrous ways in which God alters us. And even in those moments of pain or dismay, His hand can still be seen creating and rebuilding a new heart and a new spirit. My thoughts and reflections have helped me to recognize that this week and because of the knowledge I have found, my soul continues to yearn to return home. How grateful I am for the gift of this knowledge-to know exactly where I want to return. How grateful I am for the way the threads of my life wind together, in such perfect patterns, to create within me a new heart-to make me more like Him. If that doesn't make you yearn for these experiences, heart wrenching and all, I don't know what will.

2011-08-30T10:38:00.000-07:00

I am secretly (okay not so secret anymore) in love with Anderson Cooper. He just makes me laugh so hard. If you have not seen his giggle melt down on national television, you are missing out. Seriously it still brings me to the point of tears when I laugh.

I break up the monotony of my day by watching him. And sometimes I probably laugh way to hard-but laughter is good for the soul.

I'm happy. And when I am happy I laugh. And I'd rather have laugh lines then frown lines!

I am the total package...

2011-08-17T13:02:00.000-07:00

The title to this blog post references a comment I made in class during a discussion about our individual strengths. When we entered the program, Dr. Burgess had us take this Strength Finders test to determine what we excel in and then we had to discuss the strengths. Each strength falls into one of 4 categories: Relationship building, strategic thinking, execution, and influence. Typically, people's strengths will fall into 1-2 of the categories; mine, however, spread across the board-hence I am the total package :)

I really enjoyed this strength finders project. Actually, that's a lie...At first I hated it. I was really frustrated with my strengths and felt like compared to everyone else in the group, I was seen as the weak, wimpy kid. But therein lied my problem-I was comparing myself to other people. So once I stepped back from the situation and reflected on my strengths, I was grateful for my strengths. (Once again I related this experience to the gospel-this must be the cause of seeking out Christ in the Book of Mormon, because lately everything centers back down on the gospel. But this experience made me think of the talents God gives us and how we are supposed to expand upon those talents. These strengths of mine, they come from Heavenly Father and they make me the person that I want to be-so for that I am grateful.)

So here are my strengths, in detail:

1st: Individualization

Driven by your talents, you enhance your own quality of life each time you reach out to someone in need. Intrigued by the unique qualities of each person, you are impatient with generalizations or 'types' because you don't want to obscure what is special and distinct about each person. This theme explains why you pick your friends just the right birthday gift, why you know one person prefers praise in public and another detests it, and why you tailor your teaching style to accommodate one person's need to be shown and another's desire to figure it out as I go. Chances are good that you naturally enjoy watching people. Because you are such a keen observer of other people's strengths, you can draw out the best in each person.

To those of you who know me well, you know I hate it when people 'put me in a box'. I am not someone who belongs in a box and I will surprise you every time. This is because I want you to see the distinct differences in me and I don't want you to obscure what is special about me. This is why when a friend puts together a gift that reminds me of my grandma, it becomes one of the most important things I have ever received. Because it shows me that you know what is special about me. This strength defines me completely-all of my friends are different and this is why I can love each of them so specifically. It also helps me to incorporate everyone's talents into a project or group. (In a sense, this is a form of my leadership.)

2nd: Input

You are inquisitive. You collect things-information, words, facts, books, quotations, or tangible objects. Yours is the kind of mind that finds so many things interesting. You really don't feel comfortable throwing anything away. So you keep acquiring and compiling and filing stuff away. Its interesting. It keeps your mind fresh and perhaps one day some of it will prove valuable. You sometimes feel you could accomplish bigger things in the future if only you know more.

Your mind is open and absorbent. You naturally soak up information the same way a sponge soaks up water. But just as the primary purpose of the sponge is not to permanently contain what it absorbs, neither should your mind simply store information. Input without output can lead to stagnation. As you gather and absorb information, be aware of the individuals and groups that can benefit from your knowledge, and be intentional about sharing with them.

This explains why as a child I always asked, "Why? Why? Why?" I need to know everything and I want to include everyone in on what I've learned. (even if they could care less about the world of pharmacy!)

3rd: Learner

You love to learn. You will always be drawn to the process of learning. The process, more then the content or the result, is especially exciting for you. You are energized by the steady and deliberate journey from ignorance to competence. Your excitement leads you to engage in adult learning experiences-yoga or piano lessons or graduate classes. It enables you to thrive in dynamic work environments where you are asked to take on short project assignments and are expected to learn a lot about a new subject matter in a short period of time and then move on to the next one.

Be a catalyst for change. Others might be intimidated by new rules, new skills, or new circumstances. Your willingness to soak up this newness can calm their fears and spur them into action. Take this responsibility seriously.

I love this concept! This is so me! I love to learn everything and anything-its why I have so many books, ORIN! I also love that it tells me that I should be a catalyst for change-what an awesome call to do something great.

4th: Restorative

You love to solve problems. Whereas some are dismayed when they encounter yet another breakdown, you can be energized by it. You enjoy the challenge of analyzing the symptoms, identifying what is wrong, and finding the solution. You enjoy bringing things back to life. You fixed it, resuscitated it, rekindled its vitality. Phrasing it the way you might, you saved it.

Give yourself a break. Your restorative talents might lead you to be overly self-critical. Let other people solve their own problems. You might want to rush in and solve things for them, but by doing that you might hinder their learning. Seek opportunities to enhance your abilities through a demanding field, activity, or endeavor that requires exceptional skill and/or knowledge.

I love to fix problems?! I don't believe it! Just kidding. Obviously this is me. I try and fix things-even when there is no solution. And I pound my head against the brick wall constantly. I also do need to give myself a break-cause I am ridiculously hard on myself when I can't fix something or when I feel stagnant.

5th: Woo. (yeah, thats right, I'm a woo-er. GET OVER IT.)

Some people shy away from starting up conversations because they worry about running out of things to say. You don't. Not only are you rarely at a loss for words; you actually enjoy initiating with strangers because you derive satisfaction from breaking the ice and making a connection. By nature, you may feel the absence of your friends more deeply then some people do. Perhaps you long for the emotional support these individuals provide when miles separate you or circumstances make communication impossible.

Recognize the power of your presence and how you open doors for an exchange of ideas. By simply starting conversations that engage others and bring talented people together, you will take performance up a notch-or several.

I fought and I kicked and I complained about this strength; but it is me almost completely. I do engage others and I NEVER run out of things to talk about. I actually found out that less then 5% of the total population is a 'woo'-so this is actually a rare quality and something to be embraced. I see the value in making new friends, but I also understand the importance of my close friends. In fact, I am able to find safe people to lean on for emotional support. (Comeon! That is totally me!)

~*~*~*~*~*~

So there you have it folks-my strengths. I'm the total package and absolutely unique and amazing. I'm constantly seeking out learning and fighting fiercely for my friends. I'll try to solve your problems and love you throughout them all-even if I see where you are failing. And when it comes to those of you who are close to me, just know that I will always cherish you for who you are and that the distance (whether figurative or literal) breaks my heart. Often in my friendships and relationships, I want to know why and as long as you are open and honest with me, I'll remain loyal and love you intensely-but if you try to keep something from me or shut me out, I'll bang my head against that proverbial wall while locking my 'true' self away. And as for the gospel, well this is why my testimony is deep and true. I sought it out and I know because I know.

Quick Update

2011-08-16T18:45:00.001-07:00

I have this huge post that I haven't finished yet-there just hasn't been time! But I will get to it soon! I also have pictures to post from when Arianne was here (I love that girl!!!)

We had so much fun adventuring throughout San Antonio and catching up. It was wonderful having her here. We stayed up late just talking every night. It was so nice to have a friend here who knows me well and not have to explain things. She definitely agreed I am more reserved here then I was in VA-its something to work on for sure.

I cried when she left. But was so grateful to have the time with her. I'm also grateful for my co-residents, especially Grace. I absolutely adore her and our friendship is growing more every day. I am certain she will be a close friend over the next two years. Ivan will be too-its always different with boys, but he is a gem as well.

I'm really grateful for the letters from close friends as well and even more for the random phone calls I sometimes get. They keep me pushing forward and remind me that I can find people similar here.

All in all, I have no complaints about life. I'm at peace and its a pretty great feeling.

Sunday Love

2011-08-07T18:48:00.002-07:00

I am so grateful for those tender mercies that whisper right to the heart-the ones that remind me of my testimony and my faith in God.

Verily, verily, I say unto thee, blessed art thou for what thou hast done; for thou hast inquired of me, and behold, as often as thou hast inquired thou hast received instruction of my Spirit. If it had not been so, thou wouldst not have come to the place where thou art at this time. Behold, thou knowest that thou hast inquired of me and I did enlighten thy mind; and now I tell thee these things that thou mayest know that thou hast been enlightened by the Spirit of truth; Yea, I tell thee, that thou mayest know that there is none else save God that knowest thy thoughts and the intents of thy heart.

A True Coach

2011-08-02T06:36:00.000-07:00

We had our first set of training for 'How to Teach' this past weekend and then we started our coursework yesterday. Our instructor, who happens to be the head of the program, was talking yesterday and some of the things he said resonated in my heart.

Dr. Burgess was talking about how in life he doesn't believe that we need Mentors, but that instead he thinks we need coaches. Why? Because a coach will push you to the edge, they will push you till it hurts; sometimes you want to curse at your coach and sometimes you want to give up and throw in the towel; there are even other times that you might yell 'Why Me?!' But in the end, a coach knows just how far to push to get you to where you need to be. In fact, a coach really has your best intentions at heart and knows just how far they can push you to get you to grow.

There were two things that Dr. Burgess said that I wrote down. First, 'Its all about growth, which is painful' and second, 'If it is your priority to succeed, your coach will get you there.'

I liken this, of course, to our Father in Heaven-ultimately our life's greatest coach. Heavenly Father does all the same things the coach described above does-His ultimate goal for us is to return to Him someday. In thinking of this, I have just reflected on how much God really does love us. Everything in His plan is centered on this perfect love for us. And I just can help but be grateful for this 'coach' who pushes me till it hurts for my own good. And when my priorities align with His, when I want to return home someday, I come out on the other side, I grow a little bit stronger and get closer to Him.

Little Fish, Big (HUGE) Pond

2011-07-28T13:35:00.000-07:00

***Disclaimer, this post may come off as self-pity. It is not meant to sound that way. I am just trying to write out my thoughts, because I am struggling with being able to actually talk to any of my 'safe' people about how I really feel and what is going on in my life. Writing is therapeutic for me and I need to let these emotions flow-I have held it together for weeks now, but I need to finally let myself 'feel'.

I've been in Texas for almost two weeks now and I can attest to a few things. First, the skies really are bigger here and they are so blue that it takes my breath away. And I learned quickly that we are really close to the sun, so you must always wear sunscreen (even if you are only going outside for an hour-if you don't you will become a lobster) Second, people here are all about food. Seriously! Its this restaurant and that restaurant and not that restaurant. It cracks me up. I've also learned that Texas is going to take some time to grow into-because as they say, 'Everything Really is Bigger in Texas'-except for me that is...

I've been reflecting a lot on my life and who I have become throughout the years. In high school I felt like I didn't fit in, like I was being held back from my potential, and what I could do. Basically, I was a big fish in a little pond. Then I moved to Virginia. I remember that first week with such clarity. It was an experience all in its own-everything seemed brighter and more possible. I was no longer a big fish, I had transformed to a smaller fish in a manageable pond. And over time I grew into who I wanted to become. I've been working so hard at being confident in myself and knowing what I believe and I know that I have come such a long way. But here in Texas it is different. I am no longer the right size for the pond. Here, I am so very tiny and small and the pond is huge.

Its very daunting and every day I feel like I am running to keep up with a group who is walking. And every day I feel myself being pushed closer to the line of 'I can't do this'. There are moments when all I want to do is throw in the towel, to go back home to Virginia where I fit in and ultimately was safe. The stress of my financial situation alone is suffocating (in all my years as a student, my bank account was never this empty and I feel as though I have exhausted all my options for help). I fall asleep only to dream of bills and the cost of living right now. I wake up absolutely exhausted and feeling more stressed then before I went to sleep.

I'm so ridiculously homesick for Jessica, for Stephanie, for Chantal, and for so many others. Every night I walk into my apartment hoping Jessica will be there to greet me with a side hug or even attitude (seriously, I miss the attitude). The tears came before I left-but the ache in my heart came just this week. I'm trying to make new friends but it hasn't been easy and I worry that I might be the cause (how do you find friends that can match what I have had? especially when they have been everything to me for so long).

And I write all this out with this small desire to really just give up and give in-to call the game and go home. But that desire doesn't touch my knowledge that Heavenly Father wants me here and that there is something to be learned from all these struggles. In all my stress and sorrow, I have leaned on the Lord (ultimately, I've been carried through). And every time I get to the point of quitting, I am blessed with a tender mercy that is so personal and so exact that I am renewed to keep going one more day. I know that joy will come and I know that things will be okay-I know it with such a force that it keeps me driving forward. I am so grateful that my gift in this life is unwavering faith and knowledge. I may not struggle or stress beautifully or gracefully like some people-but it can never be said that I ever quit. I can't. My testimony won't let me.

So I guess for now, I'll continue to be a little fish and I'll keep swimming, keep growing, and keep leaning on my Savior for strength.

Livin Large in San Antonio

2011-07-21T14:07:00.000-07:00

Cause everything is bigger in Texas...duh!

I just want to say how very grateful I am for my friends. They have really supported me through this move and if it wasn't for some of them, I would have fallen flat on my face literally.

I'm still getting acclimated and I am trying to put myself out there-I'm struggling, but it will come.

It's not goodbye for us-for us its just see you later.

2011-07-12T19:09:00.000-07:00

I'm overwhelmed by my thoughts tonight-my head has been racing so much today, that it is actually hurting to produce conscious thought-but yet I can't stop thinking.

The last three days have been full of fun, tons of love, and more goodbyes then I ever wanted in one event. I keep trying to convince myself its not goodbye, its only 'see you later.' But ultimately, there will only be a few people who really stay in my life for good. I know that people shift into and out of our lives for a reason and I am so very grateful for the many wonderful people the Lord has put into my life these past 8 years.

Tonight at institute Brother Janson was inspired to do a closing hymn-he chose 'God be with You til We Meet Again.' Before we sang, he gave a little statement about me leaving. Of course this brought me to tears and as I hugged each of my friends goodbye I cried even harder. I was very touched by this song-because I hope and I pray I will meet each of these friends again. It just really put things into perspective.

While I will miss all my friends here in VA, there are certain friends who's place will never be taken-I may make new friends in TX and I am very excited about these new people, but the relationships will be different. There are certain people who have been my constant support system, my friends, my lighthouses. And I am going to miss them fiercely.

I am not looking forward to saying 'See You Later' to Chantal, to Jessica, to Stephanie, and to so many others. And although I am so excited for this new path in life, I know that as I pull away from Richmond (my home for the last 8 years) I won't be able to stop the tears from falling.

I detest moving!

2011-07-11T13:15:00.000-07:00

This does not mean that I am not excited for the move to Texas in 4 days!!!! More that I just hate packing up all my stuff (which somehow consists of more stuff then I ever need) only to turn around and unpack it a few days later.

I'm going to start throwing things out. Goodbye, good riddance to all this CRAP!

I've Decided I Like Being a Girl

2011-07-07T20:17:00.000-07:00

Tonight at frisbee I told a boy, 'Don't worry about me, I can hold my own with the boys.' 30 seconds later, this same boy slammed into me causing me to fly into the air, then skid on my face and knee into the ground. In short this boy made me crumble on the ground and cry like a girl.

It took me a while to come around, to stop crying, and to manage the pain in my neck and ankle. Anyways, my whole point of this post is to say two things:

First, tonight was my first big hit since my football days...and it was AWESOME!!!

Second, I'm okay with being a girl and although I like playing with the boys, I'm glad that I am still soft like a girl should be!

What Lies Ahead is Better than What You are Asked to Leave Behind

2011-07-06T13:08:00.000-07:00

Texas in 8 days. Wow. It is coming so quickly. My house is almost completely packed. I pick up my truck on Tuesday and pack it all up Tuesday and Wednesday. Then Harry Potter Thursday at midnight and hitting the road on Friday morning.

Jessica gave this amazing lesson at institute on Tuesday on a talk given by Jeffery R. Holland (Remember Lot's Wife). The talk had already sparked some re-evaluation in my life, but after Jessica's perspective I have really thought about my tendency to become like Lot's wife.

There are a few personal things I need to say, but don't really know how-so instead I will write them here:

*First, I need to really let people's mistakes go (especially if I want them to let mine go). I don't need to carry around 'buckets of sand and throw them in people's face'. The weight of those buckets really wear down my resolve and pull me away from being more Christlike.

"When honest effort is being made to progress, we are guilty of the greater sin if we keep remembering and recalling and rebashing someone with their earlier mistakes, and that "someone" might be ourselves. We can be so hard on ourselves, often much more so than with others! Like the Anti-Nephi-Lehies of the Book of Mormon, bury your weapons of war, and leave them buried."

*Second, I need to forgive and forget. There are a few key people who I need to forgive completely and then forget. I don't think this will make us close again or even put us on speaking terms, but it is something I have been working towards and something I finally feel ready to do (I am sorry it took me so long).

"When something is over and done with, when it has been repented of as fully as it can be repented of, when life has moved on as it should and a lot of other wonderfully good things have happened since then, it is not right to go back and open up some ancient wound which the Son of God Himself died trying to heal. Let people repent. Let people grow. Believe that people can change, and improve."

*Third (and probably most importantly), I need to remember that what the Lord requires us to give up, he replaces with so much more.

Faith is for the future. Faith builds on the past but never longs to stay there. Faith trusts that God has great things in store for each of us and that Christ is the "high priest of good things to come."

I cannot wait for this move to Texas. Its going to be wonderful, I know that there will be struggles and challenges. But I am ready! I am ready to let go of my comfort zone and let the Lord continue to mold me. I'm ready to leave the past behind me and I am looking to the future with Faith.

Legal

2011-07-01T12:59:00.001-07:00

Yeah. That's right! I am legal and legit! I passed my pharmacy boards! That test was the hardest/worst thing I have ever studied for in my entire life-but it is over. Thank goodness!

Now onward to Texas!

***

I really love it when I hear 'Somewhere Over the Rainbow' and start to cry. It reminds me that I haven't forgotten my Grandma. And sometimes, I sit and listen hoping she's sitting next to me listening along.

Bittersweet

2011-06-23T18:24:00.001-07:00

I've been contemplating on the word 'bittersweet' recently. Its become a new adjective in my vocabulary for leaving Richmond. I've been using it to describe how I feel-although I am not certain my point is getting across.

Its like a semi-sweet chocolate chip for me. You eat the chocolate chip directly from the bag and its bitter and waxy and does not taste delicious at all. But then you mix it with some sugar, eggs, and flour and all of a sudden you have got this warm little morsel that actually tastes delicious.

Leaving Richmond for me is like eating a semi-sweet chocolate chip directly from the bag. Its bitter. Its painful. And it does not seem like a 'delicious' idea at all. However, when you mix the leaving with the move to Texas, the open possibilities in front of me, and Heavenly Father's guidance it changes everything. The thought of moving forward warms my adventurous side and the 'delicious' possibilities that sit at my feet are exciting.

Bittersweet: being at once bitter and sweet; especially pleasant but including or marked by elements of suffering or regret.

On closer examination of the definition, though, I find that maybe bittersweet is not the correct terminology. While the move brings pleasant opportunities, I don't want this move to be defined by elements of suffering or regret. There is none of that here-it is not allowed. Because although I will be homesick for my best friend and very important people, there is not an ounce of regret for this move.

I counseled with my Father in Heaven concerning this move. I distinctly remember the feelings of peace and comfort I felt when I made the decision to go to Texas. And I am grateful for the answers I received. Today I have been pondering on 2 Nephi Chapter 4-the beauty of Nephi's testimony has struck my heart in a poignant way and I have found great comfort in knowing that God's hand has been ever present in my life, designing and creating something better then before. My message to you tonight: Take the time to look for His hand-I think you might be surprised at what you find-maybe the bittersweet isn't really bittersweet after all, instead maybe it is just sweet.

Sheeeee'ssssss FANTASTIC!

2011-06-22T05:42:00.000-07:00

We studied this talk in institute last night about the lessons we can learn from Laman and Lemuel. A lot of the qualities they possessed are easy to recognize as awful and its pretty easy to say that we recognize them and don't want to be like either of them. However, its not as easy as just professing that we don't want to be like them-we actually have to work at it.

There were two points in the discussion that really struck me. The first being that Laman and Lemuel did not really understand God's love for them. This is not an area I consider myself to be weak in-however, on closer examination I realize that some of my actions show otherwise. I feel that if I truly understood the depths of God's love for me, the perfect love he has, then I wouldn't be so quick to label myself with derogative terminology and I would be kinder to myself; which in turn would help me to love everyone around me more completely and less conditionally.

The second point that struck me hard is that Laman and Lemuel did not take the advice of the Lord to heart and they never ACTIVELY sought out his counsel in their doings. I know that this is an area I need to perfect. Over the last year I have really attempted to include the Lord in my decisions and I have gotten much better at recognizing his role in the big things in my life (such as where to apply for a residency, picking a residency that was right for me, and preparing to move away from the home that I have loved for the last 8 years). However, sometimes I fail to notice how much his counsel is important in those smaller details, such as taking a personal inventory and seeing where I measure up to myself or counseling with him about missionary work or my ability to be a better disciple.

I share these things here because writing about them helps me to think it out-but it also sparks conversations that help me to change and grow. I have been so grateful for the closeness I have felt with one of my best friends over the last two weeks-even more so for the conversation that we just keep continuing. I feel like Heavenly Father truly gave us our eternal friendship so that we could continue to challenge each other to grow. I cannot believe how much 'inventory' I have taken of myself during this conversation and how much I have pulled out from deep within to inspect-I have had the opportunity to clean out a lot of cobwebs and skeletons recently and I feel so much lighter. This is not to say that I am not stressed about my upcoming exams or this huge move-because let me tell you I am-but I feel peace and a closeness to my Heavenly Father I have never known.

I am determined to learn from these traits that Laman and Lemuel possessed and to choose the better part. I am going to strive to follow the counsel of my two 'eternal' best friends and love myself a little more-to really believe that I am 'FANTASTIC'. I am going to seek out the Lord's counsel in all the details of my life and use that counsel to become a better disciple of Christ.

"Recognize that there is a power greater than ours, that no matter how good a man is, he is not good enough, that no matter how wise he is, he is not wise enough, that no matter how strong he is, he is not strong enough for all of the things which he will face in life, and that there is a source of power to which he can go with the assurance that he will be listened to and that there will be a response."

-President Gordon B. Hinckley

I'm a Rockstar-When it comes to studying...

2011-06-21T05:11:00.001-07:00

Two days until my VA Pharmacy Law Exam

Eight days until my NAPLEX Exam

Three weeks until I move to San Antonio

I love when I find a place that helps me study better. I've been studying at the institute building and its perfect. Its so quiet and there are little distractions. Its also awesome cause its definitely got the Spirit there which helps calm my stressed nerves.

I finally found my routine this week and its going pretty great! Hopefully I can keep it up for the next 8 days!

Conversation that Inspires You to Grow

2011-06-19T06:56:00.000-07:00

“A single conversation across the table with a wise person is worth a month's study of books”

These are the types of conversations that I just absolutely love. I am so very grateful for the people in my life that I can have these conversations with-especially the ones who make me a better person. Or better yet, the ones that help me to reach deep inside and pull out the root of a feeling. In these moments, I am able to analyze myself and really understand myself. Its such a blessing to be able to do that with someone who is safe.

I am very grateful for my relationships and for the varying degrees of conversations that they afford, particularly the ones that delve into the deeper meanings of life.

Amazing Grace

2011-06-15T07:36:00.000-07:00

2.o miles-less then twenty minutes! Boom!

I am so stinking proud of myself right now. Its amazing to me how much better this week has gone. I've reached that spiritual plateau after a very difficult climb uphill.

I am very grateful for these moments in life-they make the storms worth it. I am also very grateful for friends of all categories and walks of life. I am especially grateful for the relationship I share with my best friends. To these three girls, they are everything I need to be a better person and to love life more fully. I am grateful to them for their individuality, their stubborn attitudes, their challenges, their crazy antics, and most of all for their testimonies.

"Touch, Touch"

Letting Go

2011-06-12T20:59:00.000-07:00

Its been clear to me that this past week has not been easy for most of the people in my life. I have spent countless hours having conversations with people who have been overwhelmed or bombarded with heartbreaking situations and in the midst of it all, I lost sight of myself and became one hot mess.

I thought that going to the temple yesterday would resolve my inner turmoil and that I would find peace. But peace did not come in the temple and I struggled with understanding the emotions I felt. I knew I had felt the Spirit and I found some answers, but I did not feel peace. I left the temple with a racing mind and a desire to do nothing but curl up and cry. I didn't have the time-I had plans with Chantal and Jimmy, Chantal had planned this dinner to put me with another person and I felt like I couldn't let her down.

Finally, after putting on my best game face, I was able to come home and let go (sorry Jessica for becoming a hot mess on your floor). I cried and blubbered and finally vocalized my thoughts. It didn't matter if what I was saying was all true-if the thoughts were stronger because of the emotions. I just had to let it go and as I did, I was finally able to see through the storm clouds.

This morning I awoke and everything was clear. The Spirit was with me from the very second I opened my eyes. I had small tender mercies as I walked through the house doing various things. And then at church it finally clicked and the peace I had been searching for all week, finally came.

Heavenly Father doesn't ask us to give up very much of ourselves and it is true that what he does ask of us can get difficult. However, if we can just hold the way and push through the difficult paths, our Father in Heaven will pour out his blessings upon us with such grace we have never known. I knew that I felt the Spirit in the temple and even though I didn't feel the peace, I didn't throw in the towel. I kept pushing forward even as I was cracking at every seam and felt as though I was like humpty dumpty and couldn't put myself back together again. Yet, there was a reason for it all.

Heavenly Father doesn't just hand it over-he tests us, he wants to make sure we are going to do what he asks. And when we do, we are then worthy of His blessings. I love this gospel-I love my faith in this gospel. Without it I don't know where I would be.

Making the Choice

2011-06-10T08:27:00.000-07:00

It should come as no surprise that I have been put to the test this past week. Satan can be very cunning and I believe his attacks are very specific and personal. I hate to admit that self-doubt and fear have consumed my thoughts this week. I have loathed myself for feeling certain ways and I have been unable to step outside of myself and serve others around me who need it most. In short, I stopped being a good friend, I stopped acting and instead allowed myself to be acted upon.

What I am most grateful for this week, is that Heavenly Father hears and answers our prayers. Be it through other people, the scriptures, or through the Holy Spirit-God NEVER leaves us hanging. I had the challenge to finish listening to the last session of conference by today and the second to last talk was by Elder Jeffery R. Holland. His talk struck me and the Spirit gave me a gentle reminder of a commitment that I had made a few months ago. In his talk, Elder Holland reminds us that we are to 'consecrate our lives to the callings that come to us and to the duty to preach God's word'. In short, we are all called to be disciples and 'as the path of discipleship ascends, the trail gets even more narrow until we come to the knee buckling sermon of 'be ye therefore perfect.' What was gentle in the lowlands of initial loyalty, becomes deeply strenuous and very demanding at the summit of true discipleship.'

This gentle, yet specific description reminded me of my challenge for this year and answered my prayers so specifically. This year, I want to make the choice to be a disciple of Christ; I want to lead my life as he would have me lead it and become who he would have me be. But in order to accomplish this, I have to seek Him out and learn of Him. When I went and listened to Elder David A. Bednar, of the quorum of the twelve, I received an apostolic admonition to 'get a brand new copy of the Book of Mormon and seek out Christ from the beginning to the end.'

In that moment I made a commitment to accomplish this task and somehow along the way, I got distracted. Today, I was reminded of my commitment and I reaffirmed my desire to know Christ. I know that I need Him in my life. Its not just this occasional thing-like when the moments get hard; I need Him every hour, it is the only way I can become his true disciple.

Life is hard, but that doesn't mean we cannot have joy. 'Living the gospel is not a chore, it is the path that brings enduring happiness and joy.' I am so grateful for a loving Heavenly Father who takes the time to answer my prayers and who knows me individually and loves me because of my imperfections and weaknesses.

This is my time (and all of our time) to make the choice to act and not be acted upon. Each of us can come to know Christ and through the process find true happiness.

I really love running!

2011-06-03T05:33:00.000-07:00

I am not a great runner, in fact most times I disappoint myself with my times or even my ability on my distances. However, when I run consistently (and by consistently I mean 3-4 times a week) I absolutely love running.

Running is the one thing that allows me to focus my thoughts and to really figure out what I need to do or where I need to go. It also makes me feel better about my body and health. Plus, running outdoors lets me take different roads and see new things!

Today I almost made my mark of running a mile in under 10 minutes. (I know that this is not a huge feat for some of you, in fact it may seem rather pathetic, but for me it is exciting and I am very proud of myself.)

So when I get to Texas, I am going to sign up for a 5k or a 10k. And then, come November, I am finally going to attempt my first 1/2 marathon. :)

Countdown-cause I love them!

2011-06-01T18:34:00.000-07:00

But before we get to that, lets give a shout out to my college best friend STEPHANIE!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY PRETTY GIRL!!! I am so very grateful to have shared my college years and so much more with you! And I am super excited for our LONG drive to San Antonio together!!

Now for the countdown:

? days until I take the NAPLEX

43 days until I move to San Antonio!!!

Accomplishing everything on my to do list, except STUDY!!

2011-05-26T08:13:00.000-07:00

I got my apartment in San Antonio! I'm super excited! Its my first apartment by myself!

I also got the moving company their deposit. Thus, I am officially moving!

I also folded all the laundry, put away the dishes, and cleaned up the kitchen.

In addition, I wrote all my thank you cards, organized all my study materials, and made more to do lists.

But I still haven't started studying today. I've got a little over an hour to get ready for lunch with a friend. So I figure I will waste time on my blog, posting pictures from graduation! ENJOY!!

“A coincidence is a small miracle in which God chooses to remain anonymous.”

2011-05-24T19:54:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago, I found out that someone from my past was back in Virginia. I jumped on the opportunity to reconnect with Him. While reconnecting, I discovered that he had moved to San Antonio-the place I am now moving.

I don't believe in coincidences-I never have-but now this person is back in my life and I feel like we are two ships passing in the night. He's returned to Virginia and I am on my way to Texas. I'm confused by my emotions concerning the whole situation-its weird to remember how I felt at 18 and yet it is exciting at the same time. Its also unnerving to know that this is probably just a happenstance-a coincidence. Especially since I don't believe in them.

So now I am sitting with my thoughts and trying to figure it all out-when in all reality I should just let it go and be in the moment.

I'm just rather nostalgic right now. The move is doing this to me. I think I am desperately trying to hold on to everything and anyone that I can-because I know that a few months after I have left, everything will be different. I will lose many friends and probably make new ones-its all just making me very emotional.

Post-Graduation Exhaustion

2011-05-21T20:17:00.000-07:00

Well, I did it. I am officially a Doctor of Pharmacy (AKA a Pharmacist). I mean yes, I still have to pass my boards-but I got the diploma and that counts for something!

The last two days have been a whirlwind and I will post pictures very very soon. But tonight I am physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted. I am grateful for all my many family and friends who supported me. I ache for the ones I know I am losing in this new chapter of life. And I can't tell tonight if my tears are because I sense the loss or if its because I'm so proud of myself or because I am completely exhausted.

Today you are You, that is truer then true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You

2011-05-19T22:05:00.000-07:00

"I have brains in my head. I have feet in my shoes. I can steer myself in any direction I choose. I'm on my own. And I know what I know. I'm the girl who'll decide where to go."

I graduate today!

I dreamed a dream and I made it come true. I worked harder for this moment then I have for any other achievement thus far in my life. I did it-with the love and support of many people and my Father in Heaven-I made one of my greatest wishes come true. And while I have so far to go, for today and tomorrow I am going to relish in the knowledge that I did it-that I am now a Doctor of Pharmacy.

I have so far to go...

2011-05-17T20:22:00.000-07:00

‎"Let us remember that desires dictate our priorities, priorities shape our choices, and choices determine our actions. In addition, it is our actions and our desires that cause us to become something..." ~Elder Dallin H. Oaks

My theme this year is all about my choices. About how I can choose to let the Lord enter my heart and correct my many flaws. This week with my mom has just reinforced how far I have to go.

I love my Mom. I love her so very much. But we butt heads like crazy. I've been told by a close friend that this is the natural progression between Mother's and Daughters. I just wish I could understand why it hurts so much.

I don't see eye to eye with my mom-we are very different people. But that does not mean that I don't love and admire her. I want her to be proud of me-I want her to know I am proud of her and that I want to be the best I can be for her. But when we are together, I feel like I just fall short. I feel like I can never get it right-like I am constantly trying to say/do all the wrong things just to get under her skin.

I've been really trying to remember that I choose how I interact with my mom and been trying to remind myself that one of my greatest desires is to have a loving relationship with my mother. I just have so far to go....

HOLY SNOT!

2011-05-17T08:38:00.001-07:00

I graduate in t-minus 3 days!

This is all I have to say today...

2011-05-04T09:53:00.001-07:00

Thompson Square - Are You Gonna Kiss Me Or Not (Official Music Video). Watch more top selected videos about: Thompson Square

It's nine o'clock on a Friday, the kids are in bed, and all I want to do is sleep!

2011-04-29T18:40:00.000-07:00

Wow. Being a Mom is hard work-so here is a shout out to all you amazing mom's in my life. I don't know how you do it everyday!

I've had an amazing day today. First I got to go to the Temple for my friend, Ashley Burton's, endowment session. She was absolutely stunning in her white temple clothes. It was such a special experience for me. First, because I got to be there to celebrate this joyous occasion with my friend. Second, because it brought back sweet memories of my own endowment. And third, because I didn't get the answers I wanted-I got the answers I needed.

I got a very personal, tender rebuking today-followed by such intense love and direction. I just wanted to share these few things I learned today about opening your heart when it has hardened and the steps we need to take to gain deeper love for those around us (I'm cutting from Doctrine and Covenants Section 124-in the way that I read them and needed to hear them):

"I say unto you, blessed is my servant Hyrum Smith; for I, the Lord, love him because of the integrity of his heart, and because he loveth that which is right before me, saith the Lord... his reward shall not fail if he receive counsel...his love he shall be great, for he shall be mine if he do this, saith the Lord. I have seen the work which he hath done, which I accept if he continue, and will crown him with blessings and great glory....continue in preaching for Zion, in the spirit of meekness, confessing me before the world; and I will bear him up as on eagles wings; and he shall beget glory and honor to himself and unto my name.... my servant...is without guile; he may be trusted because of the integrity of his heart; and for the love which he has to my testimony I, the Lord, love him."

After the temple, I drove back to Richmond and started weekend of nannying for Chantal and Jimmy. They have not gone away together since Ava was born (she will be seven in 16 days!)! So I finally convinced them to hit the road for a weekend. I picked up the two little ones and then we picked up Ava from school. We played at the park, then stopped to visit Ajax, then picked up dinner and came home. After dinner, we had bath time and then snuggled down for a movie. The girls talked to their Mom and then brushed their teeth. Ava and Lizzy are now snuggled on the couch, Mia is in bed, and I am exhausted! Like I said before, being a mom is hard work and I admire you guys!

Phone Calls from a Best Friend

2011-04-27T19:39:00.000-07:00

I'm really grateful for my best friend. I'm grateful we can pick up the phone when we are struggling and not have to say ten words before all the thoughts and feelings are out and understood. There is no criticism, no guilty feelings-just an understanding that surpasses everything and anything.

I love thinking that I need to call and dump everything on her-and then when she picks up the phone, I can hear the desperation in her voice and know she needs me more in that moment. And then, as I let her drain out the mess that has built up, I am humbled by how well I know her exact feelings and how because of my own struggles-I can say the words she needs to hear and the words she wants to hear.

And then we laugh, because we both know we need to talk more-but life always gets in the way. So then we laugh/cry at how grateful we both are to have that other person who will pick up the phone and call to complain, who instead becomes the listener, and in the process we both feel better.

So you see, just when I think I'm going to break from it all-I get a phone call from my best friend that reminds me that everyone is struggling and needs a little love.

The more intensely we feel about an idea or a goal...

2011-04-25T05:36:00.000-07:00

...the more assuredly the idea, buried deep in our subconscious, will direct us along the path to its fulfillment. ~Earl Nightengale

I'm done. I did it. I made it through pharmacy school. I remember my first day of school. I got up super early, pulled out my best casual dress clothes and my new white coat. I loaded up my backpack and smiled when I saw the note from Stephanie. Then I opened my front door and set out to conquer my goal.

And now, in less then one month, I will graduate with my Doctorate of Pharmacy.

It seems almost surreal-especially with all the changes that my life is about to undertake. I'm setting out again, forging away from the place I have called home for 8 years and moving forward with what is in store for my life. My skin prickles at the thought of moving and my heart sinks a little lower in my chest-but I know that this is what I am supposed to do, that this is where I am supposed to go.

I've been home for three days now. Its been a mixture of emotions and after an especially rough night of hurts and tears, I'm ready to put my best foot forward and take care of myself for a little bit. I started this morning with an amazing run and then started my Insanity program. 60 days to start looking great and feeling even better. (I wanted to puke my guts out-so hopefully it gets easier!)

I've also snagged some amazing babysitting jobs to earn extra money-thank goodness for answered prayers. And then there is that whole thing of studying for my boards-yay. But all in all, I'm ready to just enjoy my time off and celebrate in my awesome achievement.

You have brains in your head.

You have feet in your shoes

You can steer yourself

any direction you choose.

You're on your own. And you know what you know.

And YOU are the girl who'll decide where to go.

I am ridiculously happy right now...

2011-04-17T16:26:00.000-07:00

Words cannot express how excited I am to go home on Wednesday. The drive is going to be long and a little scary on my own-but I'm going home.

I am extremely grateful for the friends who have shown such love and support over these five weeks. I'm grateful for the opportunity I had to go to church today and partake of the sacrament. It is such a blessing to be able to renew those covenants. I am so grateful for a testimony that fuels my life and helps me become a better person.

I am also excited about the plans I have for Sunday night and to be with people who make me so happy. (Hooray for resuming my favorite Sunday night chats with one of my favorite people!)

Changes of Attitude

2011-04-10T22:50:00.000-07:00

I am ridiculously homesick. Maybe its the cabin fever talking (we have been cooped up in a hotel room for two days due to the mass amounts of snow Flagstaff received) or maybe its cause difficult topics came up today-but I just want to be home.

I miss the ability to just talk to my roommate. I miss my cat. I miss my girlfriends. I miss hugs from Jordan that fix everything. I'm just homesick.

****

I decided to turn it around today-to have a better attitude then I did yesterday. And for the most part I had fun. Until tonight, when Holly and Nick took their joking a little to far and my cracked emotions burst through EVERYTHING. I sat in the hotel bathroom with a cold towel-trying not to sob to loudly. It was absolutely embarrassing to know that they knew I was crying.

But as always, Heavenly Father sent a tender mercy. A phone call that I have desperately wanted since I left Virginia, finally came-tonight-when I needed it most of all. And now in the aftermath of all those tears and then that call-I realize why this trip has been so hard on me. I've missed church every Sunday, I missed conference because we were traveling, I've done okay with my scripture reading (but just okay-and definitely not daily). I am really really grateful, that despite all my failures to recognize my Father in Heaven-my Heavenly Father still recognizes me and pours out his love upon me just when I need it most. I'm grateful for a phone call that lifted my sorrows and helped me to laugh. I'm also grateful that the phone call helped me see some of my selfishness and put other people's lives into perspective.

9 days until I leave for HOME. 9 days of better and best choices for the rest of this trip.

The Adventures Just Keep Getting CRAZIER!!!

2011-04-08T09:27:00.000-07:00

*It needs to be clarified that as I am writing this post, I am laughing so hard that I have tears running down my face. I do not know how I get into these situations, but they sure do make life fun!*

Yesterday afternoon marked the beginning of the last 4 day weekend-only a two day weekend left before I get to come home! We had made this elaborate adventure plan that involved driving to Flagstaff, AZ last night and then hiking for two days in the Grand Canyon. However we hit two major snags-the first being that mother nature decided snow/rain/wind was a great option for this weekend and the second being that the federal government couldn't get their stuff together and the parks will probably close. With all of that to consider, we still decided to hit the road after our day in Red Mesa at another Indian Clinic. And this is where our story begins...

Red Mesa is a clinic about an hour west of Shiprock-its a smaller facility that is only open 8-6 and has an outpatient pharmacy. We went to see the facility and to just experience the cite for one day. We got there around 8:30 in the morning and were greeted by our temporary preceptor, Muhammad. Muhammad was from Syria and had the attention span of a dog-no seriously, remember the dog from Up: Hi My Name is...Ball...Bird...(I hope you get the point) Anyways, Muhammad made us laugh throughout the whole day with his ADD/mannerisms. At the end of the day we had to give our presentations and this is when things got interesting. I'm not sure quite how, but I think my preceptor asked me to take his wife back to Shiprock and then come back to Red Mesa to run away with him...I laughed until I had tears streaming down my face-it was just ridiculous!

After we finished at the clinic, we hit the road for Flagstaff. We stopped at an Anasazi cafe on the way and had dinner. I ate an amazing Navajo taco-it was better then Grandma's! We got to our hotel in Flagstaff around 830pm and although I was exhausted, we decided to go out since it was our first night off in a while. The night started at a double-decker wine bar. Holly and Nick shared a bottle of wine and I drank an old fashioned black cherry soda. We played scrabble and reminded ourselves that even on our nights off we are still ridiculously nerdy. From the wine bar we decided to check out this bar in an old hotel that had been mentioned by several people. IT WAS HILARIOUS. We get to this bar and its a karaoke night-drunken people singing in their 'best voices' to woo someone into going home with them at the end of the night. "It was like a bad car wreck-you just couldn't pull your eyes away," was Holly's sentiment on the whole situation. After about an hour at the karaoke bar, we decided to progress to another pub down the street.

It was at this pub that we met my new friend Steven. Steven is a mexican-american hippie who plays the trumpet and the ukulele. He has been in Flagstaff for 11 years and was very friendly. He told me about the ukulele and then proceeded to invite us outside for an impromptu jam session. I have video of some of the songs he played-it was pretty freaking stellar. Steven convinced us all to go back to the karaoke bar and listen to him sing some more-so we went. At the end of the night, right before last call, we got up and sang 'Standing Outside the Fire' and then politely told Steven he couldn't come back to the hotel with us and then left. Holly and Nick decided they were starving (which apparently happens when you drink a lot) so I drove them to get food.

As we were leaving McDonalds (at 230 in the morning), I realized that we were lost and that I was turning onto the wrong street-so I stopped turning and pulled back into the normal traffic lane. The next thing I knew there were red and blue lights flashing behind me. I panicked-I CANNOT GET ANOTHER TICKET.

So the cop comes up to the window and asks how we are doing. I politely respond that we are from out of town, that we are lost, and that I have two drunk people who I am trying to get back to a hotel. He responds with, "I know, I can smell the alcohol out here. Have you been drinking?" Holly shouts from the passenger seat, "Nope! It was all Us! She is completely sober! She is Mormon!" I apologize to the officer at the state of these two yahoos and he says, "Nothing to be sorry about, but if you don't mind can you please step out of the car."

HOLY CRAP MY PANTS MOMENT! Get out of the car?! But I haven't been drinking! Of course, I have to listen so I get out of the car and walk over to the sidewalk with the officer. "I just had to get you away from the other's so that I could smell you and make sure you weren't drinking." (WHAT A RANDOM STATEMENT THAT WAS?!-Oh I forgot to mention, this officer was about my age and drop dead GORGEOUS)

Again I explain to him why we are in Flagstaff and mention where we are from-"VCU, you know the final four?!" "No idea what you are talking about" "Oh." Silence.

"Well, Amber I'm going to need you to go sit back in your car while I run your licenses and make sure you haven't committed murder or anything." "Ok."

I get back into the car-where the two yahoos are laughing to the point of tears. I start laughing at how ridiculous the whole situation is and cannot stop. Tears are streaming down my face and I'm just completely floored. NEVER have I ever been asked to 'step out of the car.'

Anyways, Officer N comes back to the window, tries to joke that Nick's car is stolen and then gives us directions to our hotel. We make it to the hotel where we all collapse into fits of laughter over the whole day. Finally around 430am, the laughter died and we fell back asleep.

Now all I can think is: 'What else can we get ourselves into this weekend?!'

I'll Make You Fall in Love with Me!

2011-03-30T23:07:00.000-07:00

I'm really struggling with this rotation-it shouldn't matter. Technically I am done with pharmacy school, I completed the required 8 rotations and I passed them-so I'm done. But the over-achiever in me decided 9 rotations would be smart and would teach me a lot. Not this one. My preceptor makes me feel dumb and there is an obvious difference in the way he treats me compared to the other students. I feel like I can't get it right and I feel stupid-neither of which make me feel good. So today, after working 3 12-hour shifts, I finally lost it. I started crying in the pharmacy when I heard my preceptor praise one of the other students. Nobody noticed my crying, which was great cause I hate crying in front of people: HATE IT.

So I told Holly, my roommate, that I wanted to go out for a nice dinner tonight and just let the day/feelings fall away. Instead of walking home with the others, I walked alone and called my Grandma so that I could have a moment. I love talking to my Grandma-she just lets me cry it out and say ridiculous things that I don't really mean just so I can get them out. Tonight, she told me she was going to bake pies for me to throw in people's faces! (Best Grandma EVER-and no I will not share!)

I am ridiculously homesick. I'm tired of feeling so stupid every day, tired of feeling like my preceptor hates me. And I want certain people to call...to say they miss me...because I am a girl and those things are important to me. So once I got home I had a nice cry about all the things that are bothering me and then I washed my face and headed out for what I thought was going to be a mundane night; boy was I wrong!

So halfway into Farmington (our closest town) I get pulled over. My brain is absolutely screaming because my points are high for the first time ever and I'm afraid I am going to lose my license. Come to find out my headlight was burnt out. So we made a detour to an auto store to avoid further police encounters. This is where I met my new best friend/boyfriend Taylor. I walk into this store, march up to the counter and state, "Look-I'm a not so car smart girl who needs a light for my car. Can you help?" From here I entered into an Amber who I really like and would like to come out more often. I made jokes, I made people laugh really hard, and I made a boy totally fall all over himself for me. Seriously, Taylor fixed my light, my windshield wipers, and pretty much asked for my number. Best part about Taylor, he was from Ireland-had a wicked little accent and GORGEOUS blue-green eyes. Worst part-he was 19.

The whole experience just got me thinking. Why doesn't that Amber come out more often? Why can't I be carefree and silly like that more often? I'm not asking to get rid of my responsible side-I just want to balance the two and not be so serious. I constantly have my rational, responsible side on hyperdrive and in the back of my mind I hear my mom say to me, "Relax, you are to darn serious." I know what made me this way, but I wonder if its possible to create a Me that is more lighthearted, more fun, more loveable-less stressed, less obsessive, less controlling. I need to be a Me that makes boys fall over themselves more often-and Taylor, you can have my number anytime you want! ;)

Ramblings on Our Adventures

2011-03-29T18:27:00.000-07:00

So we are currently down to 3 weeks until I get to go home! Three weeks from tomorrow I will load up my car and make the 31+ hour drive back to Richmond alone. Yes I am counting down, no I am not excited about the drive alone, but I cannot wait to be back at home.

I'm ridiculously homesick. I miss my roommate. I miss my cat. I miss my bed. I miss all my friends. Sunday was pretty awesome, I had phone dates with my Family, Jesse, and Jordan. All of which were so wonderful, but left me wanting to be with people who know me and love me. I'm so grateful for the wonderful people in my life (and the thought of moving to Texas is BITTERSWEET).

I've had fun here in NM-but the adventuring isn't the same without my people. Friday we drove to Santa Fe and explored the town. We saw a beautiful catholic church and dipped in and out of cute little shops. Then we stopped and watched the VCU/Florida state game (GO RAMS!). Saturday morning we got up and went on this amazing hike of Tent Rocks. Apparently the rocks are known for their suggestive looks-I didn't get it. But let me tell you, the view at the top was absolutely gorgeous. I felt like I could reach out and touch Heaven. (photos will come once I get back to Richmond) Saturday night we drove to the town of Taos and did some more shopping/exploring. I played with a real wolf-he was gorgeous; all black with golden eyes. He jumped up on me and was the same height as me! IT WAS CRAZY AWESOME. There was an older wolf that was all white with blue eyes. He was so pretty too.

Sunday morning we got up and drove out to the Rio Grande Gorge. Wow. More breath-taking sights. We tried to see an ancient pueblo but it was closed for the winter season so we decided to hit the road and find a pub along the way for the game (GO VCU!!) We started ascending up this mountain and outside was a gorgeous day. Then out of nowhere (ABSOLUTELY NOWHERE) the weather changed on the mountain and we entered into snow territory-it was blowing, there was 3-4 feet of snow everywhere. It was nuts!

We made it safely off the mountain and stopped at a bar in Chama to watch the game (VCU #1!!) then continued back to Shiprock to sleep before our twelve hour shifts began.

Holly and I are trying to get tickets to the NCAA Final Four-if we get them that is where we are going this weekend, if not we are going to Arches National Park (don't wory, I will stop and watch the game-it is a priority!)

Can I get a HECKS YEA?!!

2011-03-25T22:19:00.000-07:00

I'm so proud of my school. This is really big for those boys and I am really stocked to be a part of this my last year at VCU! GO RAMS!

Invest in My Future...Anyone?!

2011-03-22T16:29:00.000-07:00

I made it to Shiprock! I slept 10+ hours last night and feel so much better-I had serious homesickness yesterday, but now that I have slept its a whole lot better.

This weekend we are planning a trip to the Grand Canyon, possibly Mt. Zion National Park, and who knows what else along the way. Next weekend we are going camping in Arches National Park! Then I will only have one weekend left til I get to come home :)

As for my funds, I'm keeping tight on them...but I am seriously in trouble if I don't find a temp job when I get back to Richmond. The Dean told us how much it costs to get licensed...ITS RIDICULOUS!

So if anyone is offering some jobs (or money), I'll gladly accept either!

;)

Laughter, Loving Friends, and Lost Voices

2011-03-14T15:46:00.001-07:00

Can I start out by saying just how much I love my friends?! Seriously I have got the world's best friends-whether they are near and I see them all the time; far and I talk to them all the time; or even far away and only get to catch up once and a while-my friends are seriously the best.

I packed my weekend full of quality time with people I love because I am leaving Friday for New Mexico. It started Friday night at Marissa and Lori's house and I'm pretty sure the fun never stopped. Its official that Jessica and I have become long-distance house mates with these two ladies. I don't know if it is because we all magically developed P.O.S.H (which is Jessica's current disease claim) or if it is because we are all so good at 'folding things up and putting them away', but we are just CRAZY and I love it!

So Friday night, the four of us got together and prepared our basketball awards. We came up with clever things like 'White on Rice Award', the "Sock It To 'Em Award', the 'Marketeering Award', etc. It was just one big mess of silliness.

Saturday I got up early and picked up Stephy (of course I had Starbucks for her to get her moving!) The two of us went and got my hair done and then I had my pictures taken for graduation. (Copies will be up soon-www.photosbymaddy.blogspot.com-she is AMAZING!!!) After a quick nap on Stephy's couch, I went to the Basketball Awards Banquet and presented the awards with Jessica. Then it was off to Jim's to watch Gone with the Wind...and frankly my dear, I just didn't give a darn about it. Its Jim's favorite movie and the characters were interesting-but it was so long and I was so tired, maybe its a movie for another night. I mean I was so tired-I lost my voice.

Yesterday, I went to church and then hung out with Ben. This has become my favorite Sunday ritual and I think it is something I will miss most while I am adventuring in New Mexico.

Thursday, we celebrate my birthday early and then on Friday, I get to drive 31 hours to Shiprock, NM. More adventures to come later!

Tonight

2011-03-10T18:13:00.000-08:00

I am just raw-I'm hurt, confused, and just worn out. I've given all I could to those around me this week and now I just need to lean on the Lord tonight.

Steadfast Faith

2011-03-07T16:22:00.000-08:00

Today was perfect. But before we get to today, we have to start with yesterday (and maybe even a little bit earlier).

After our game on Thursday, we all went out for icecream at Friendly's. My new (awesome) friend, Marissa and I decided that we would carpool to this relief society retreat that was going on Friday night. So yesterday, I drove over to Marissa's house so we could carpool to the activity. We picked up Michelle and went on our way. The retreat was instructional and fun-it was really what I needed yesterday. At the activity we took these mini-classes on Preparing for the Temple, Seeking out the Lord, and Scripture Study. Each class really put some things in my life into perspective.

On the way home from the activity (around 11:30pm) Marissa informed me that Elder Bednar was going to be in DC for a fireside Saturday morning. I told her that was awesome, but that I had a lot of things I needed to get done this weekend-so I wouldn't be able to go. As soon as I said it, I felt regret. Immediately I start yelling at myself in my head, "UM! HELLO! An Apostle of the Lord is going to be an hour and a half away and you are 'too busy' to go hear him speak?! I don't think so!" So I told Marissa I was going, set my alarm clock, and SHOT out of bed at 5am this morning to drive to the stake center and hear an Apostle speak to me...in person.

This is huge for me people. I have NEVER seen an Apostle in real life, never seen them speak from a pulpit in front of me. In fact the first time I saw an area 70 was only a year ago.

I am so grateful that I listened to my personal revelation and that I went. I have never felt the spirit so strong in my life-it witnessed to me the power of one who holds the priesthood keys and the truthfulness of this gospel ten-times over. Elder Bednar was funny, he was real, and he was a true conduit of our Father in Heaven's love for us.

The fireside was set up like a question and answer session-and I had a question, but I was terrified to ask it because I didn't think I could speak in front of an Apostle, let alone TO an Apostle-so I wrote my question down; just plopped it into my notebook and then actually raised my hand. No! Elder Bednar did not call on me-but the very next answer he gave answered my personal question specifically and personally. The spirit testified to me and the revelations flowed through my mind.

I don't know a lot. And I make so many mistakes. But I will tell you that I KNOW this church is true. I witness that Elder Bednar is an Apostle of the Lord and that he serves with the Quorum of the Twelve and the First Presidency to instruct and lead us back to our Heavenly Father and our Savior. I witness to you that personal revelation is real and that all of us can obtain it-and that it is so very personal. I witness that Heavenly Father loves us. That He knows us personally and that the plan He has for each of us is hand crafted to make us the best we can possibly be, so that we may return to him someday. I am so grateful for my testimony-I am grateful for the blessings that come with my testimony. I pray that everyone can find a testimony for themselves and that all can return to our Father in Heaven someday.

Someone Told Me This Today....

2011-03-06T20:15:00.001-08:00

And I want to remember it for the times that I forget:

you're a great person yourself. No need to be sorry. ***** would be lucky to be with you, not to make comparisons, but there really isn't a comparison between you and *******, she's a nice enough girl, but you have a lot more going on, you're genuinely a better person. I don't know if I've told you but I think very highly of you and value your friendship quite a bit. You're an incredible girl Amber, you deserve a really good guy.

Today, I have a lot to say....

2011-03-04T06:53:00.000-08:00

About change and moving on:

Last month marked one year of living with Jessica-it has been a year of more then I have ever expected. Recently, my thoughts have been focusing on "not knowing the sweet, without tasting the bitter." This year brought about a lot of change and with that change came a lot of bitter, but I've found that the bitter moments have been outweighed completely by the sweet moments.

The day I moved in with Jessica, I cried-bawled actually. I had prayed about the decision and I knew it was right, but I couldn't shake the feeling that it was going to ruin our friendship. At that time, the loss of a friendship was not something I could bare to imagine-I was currently losing a friend, someone I thought was a best friend, and it was painful. Shortly after moving in the aforementioned friendship ended and then over the next few months, I made other mistakes, chose other paths that were not right for me, which made my life more difficult. But along the way, I noticed that something within me was starting to break lose-I was remembering that I know how to survive and to really CHANGE. So I started focusing less on the pain and started working towards healing myself and improving.

This year of living with Jessica has been the best of my roommate experiences. Jessica and I are still friends-best friends. And my life is so much better because of who she is-because of how she challenges me and because she is invested in me (as much as I am invested in her). I know that change is difficult and I know that moving on is hard (especially for me), but I am so glad that I listened to the answer to my prayer-because Heavenly Father knew what was best and he knew I needed to taste bitter, to recognize and love the sweet.

About faith, blessings, and gratitude:

I have noticed that over the years, my relationship with my Heavenly Father has become so much more then I ever imagined possible. This latest accomplishment of being offered a residency position at UT-SA has been a defining moment in my relationship with my Father in Heaven. Going into the process, I prepared myself the best I could-I did all that was required of me and then I took it to the Lord. I knelt in prayer and said, "I've done all I can, now please take control and whatever may come, I'll accept the decision." I spent time in the temple, conversing with Him and listening. I devoted myself to scripture study and more meaningful prayer. And just when I was starting to second guess myself and the choice ahead of me, sweet reminders of Heavenly Father's grace entered my mind. I was reminded of blessings I had received, reminded that people were praying for me and rooting for me, and reminded that Heavenly Father always provides what is best for us.

I am so grateful for this blessing in my life. It has strengthened my faith in the Lord and equipped me with more then I ever imagined. I'm proud of myself-because I put something to the test and it worked. I am grateful that I learned more about relying on our Father in Heaven. I am grateful for all my friends and family who prayed for me, who were rooting for me, and for those who reminded me I could do this along the way.

About basketball:

I love basketball. I do. I have never been very good at sports-but basketball is different for me. Basketball has become more about the team and about the friends I make. Last night, basketball hit a new high that I have never reached before. I am so proud of the way my team played last night: we played as a team, we communicated, we played hard and aggressive, and we had fun. That is what basketball is about for me. Its not about winning or losing. Its about teamwork and sportsmanship.

But just so you know...we totally won! And it was Awesome.

About this song:

One and Only

I love it. And this is how I feel right now.

The Decision Has Been Made...

2011-02-24T16:47:00.001-08:00

And the final choice is:

UNIVERSITY OF TEXAS AT SAN ANTONIO

I am very excited and feel at peace with my decision. I will be in San Antonio for at least the next two years and I feel like it will be an adventure every step of the way!!

Things I Need

2011-02-22T18:21:00.001-08:00

(in no particular order):

-A hug

-Ice cream or brownies (not that I need either really)

-My Grandma

-Girl Talk

-An apology (that is sincere)

-To make the right choice about my ranking list

-To workout daily

-A massage (foot and back/neck would be nice)

Random Thoughts

2011-02-18T17:00:00.000-08:00

5 interviews down, 1 to go! If Texas makes me an offer I cannot refuse, I will know my future destination within the next week. This is a scary, yet exciting thought.

I went to the LA temple after my 4th interview yesterday. HOLY COW! That temple is HUGE and absolutely amazing on the inside. I sat in the celestial room and just felt complete peace about the decision ahead of me. I've prepared for this, worked hard, and now I know that its in the Lord's hand. I know that wherever I go-it will be great for my future (both my career and my life in general). I'm so grateful for that peace. It's welcomed with open arms.

I'm spending the rest of the weekend with my Papa Bear in California and then I head to Texas on Sunday afternoon. I miss home. I miss my roommate. I miss Ajax. I miss my bed. I miss other people. I just am ready to stay in one place for a bit. (And yet, in a month I will leave for 5 weeks again!)

Anyways, these are my thoughts for the day. In case you wanted to hear them.

Sweet Sunday

2011-02-13T19:08:00.000-08:00

I love, Love, LOVE Sundays!

I'm leaving tomorrow for my whirlwind interview schedule throughout the West: Boise, LA, Texas! And I am excited that I get to spend time with family who I don't normally get to see. I'm grateful for their willingness to take me in and spend time with me! I'm hoping to get to go to the temple in Boise and in LA.

I'm so grateful for the gospel in my life. I'm grateful for the blessings that are showered upon my head each day. I don't feel as though I deserve the grace that I receive, but Heavenly Father bestows it so liberally.

I'm grateful for new possibilities, for the potential of many things in my life. There was a quote given in Sacrament today and I just think it sums up how I'm feeling today!

"Rise to the great potential within you. I do not ask that you reach beyond your capacity. I hope you will not nag yourselves with thoughts of failure. I hope you will not set goals far beyond your capacity to achieve. I hope that you will simply do what you can in the best way you know how. If you do so, you will witness miracles come to pass." -President Gordon B. Hinckley

Break these Chains...

2011-02-12T15:53:00.000-08:00

...I'm runnin out of time...

The changes in my life are right around the corner. I have options to weigh and a final decision to make-Where do I go next year? Who do I rank? Am I ready to throw caution to the wind and trust myself enough to make the choices ahead of me? I've been so blessed through this experience in my life-my confidence in myself has grown a thousand fold. And even more important, I'm actually proud of what I've accomplished, of the professional pharmacist I've trained to become.

...Our choices hanging on our shoulder, its never over...

I'm also angry right now-trying to work things through with all the stuff going on in my family right now. I'm angry because I'm scared and what better way to handle my fear, then to get angry. I'm angry that I can't talk about it, I'm angry at the situation, I'm angry with the people and their actions. I'm angry and I'm sad.

...I wish I may, I wish...

I have hope and faith. These are essential and they will carry me through-they always do. I'm working on each piece slowly, but surely. This is not a sprint, its a marathon. And in the end, I will break these chains. I will make the right choices. I will let go of the anger and sadness and rise to the occasion to be there for my family and to love them fiercely. Because it's me. And I just need to be me.

The clocks are goin round

Change is comin down

Intensity's bound to clandestine someone

mm yeah

I will leave it up to me

To believe in what I see

I ain't gonna be nobody's fool

Break these chains

I'm runnin out of time

I've wasted all my energy on nothin more than lies

Come set me free, from dead-end misery

From everyone and everything I think I need to be me

In the quiet heart is hidden, sorrow that the eye can't see

2011-02-05T21:25:00.000-08:00

I loved Seattle. I loved UW. I could live there and practice there and be a happy person.

I traveled back to Richmond today and was a little sad along the way. There were of course my usual traveling hiccups (DARN YOU CHICAGO!!!) but the worst part of the day is not something I can blog about...and my best friend is in Cali...

All I can say is:

"Families are where you will find your greatest joys and your greatest sorrows."

Calling All Angels

2011-02-03T19:53:00.001-08:00

If you have a moment to watch this video, please take the time to do so. Angie and I went to high school together. She is a remarkable person and her story is one that is all to familiar in our world today. If you want to donate a blanket, you can get them to me and I will send them on.

Calling All Angels

However Long and Hard the Road

2011-01-30T19:06:00.000-08:00

It has been a whirlwind of a week and despite my best efforts I have found myself weary and wounded. Please do not misunderstand my words, I have been continually blessed by my loving Father in Heaven and working hard towards improving myself. However, following the words of Brigham Young, "We never begin to build any temple without the bells of hell beginning to ring."

The adversary is cunning, and although he does not know my internal thoughts, he knows how to wear me down with self doubt and the fear of the unknown. And this week, the weight of that self doubt and the stress of planning for a future I have no control over has beat upon my shoulders. It doesn't help that my self doubt is the loudest voice in the room. I trust in my Father in Heaven, but I have a hard time trusting myself-which just seems wrong.

But then comes Sunday-Sweet Sunday. That fills up my heart with peace and love. And the tender mercies of the Lord bear down all around me. And for one day I gain respite from my self. I read this today as I finished Jeffery Holland's book, However Hard and Long the Road:

"The best things are always worth finishing. 'Know ye not that ye are the temple of God?'(1 Cor 3:16.) Most assuredly we are. As long and laborious as the effort may seem, we must keep shaping and setting the stones that will make our accomplishments 'a grand and imposing spectacle.' We must take advantage of every opportunity to learn and grow, dream dreams and see visions, work towards their realization, wait patiently when we have no other choice, lean on our sword and rest a while, but get up and fight again...Our life must be a 'monument to Mormon perserverance,' however long and hard the road."

I'm still terrified of the next few weeks-of performing well on my interviews, of opening my heart wide, of growing and dreaming, of becoming me. But I know that I am not really alone, as much as the adversary tries to make me feel that way. And ultimately, I know myself enough to know that in the end I will make it, however long and hard the road.

The tender mercies of the Lord are ALWAYS there if you look close enough

2011-01-23T08:41:00.000-08:00

My life is not perfect, but I have felt my Savior's love in triple-fold this week. I have been so blessed and cannot express enough gratitude for the gifts I have been given.

Yesterday I went to the temple with Jessica and the Willis' and it was amazing as always. In the celestial room I leaned over to Jessica as tears were streaming down my face and I said, "If this is what Heaven is like, I'm never going to stop crying." The temple does that to me, it just overwhelms my soul; my heart fills up and I can't stop the tears from flowing. It is in these most precious moments, that I know the truth in its most simplistic form. It is something pure and bright and my heart knows it's true place in this world.

My thoughts yesterday in the temple consisted of: making the right choice for my residency (which I now have 4 interviews out of 8!), searching for inspiration about my brothers and how I can help them make better choices in their lives, and seeking guidance about how to love someone who needs love and comfort but refuses to accept it from anyone. While pondering and praying on these matters, I had the overwhelming desire to just ask Heavenly Father to say hello to my Grandma June for me. (I have thought so much about her over the last few months) Very softly, but surely I felt my Grandma there and I was yet again grateful for the tender mercy of my Father in Heaven.

I know that God has his arms outstretched to all of us and that if we just TRY to turn to him and live his word he will bless us more then we have ever imagined. It is my testimony that he loves us and that although the road may be difficult at times, he never leaves us alone.

2011-01-18T18:42:00.001-08:00

I am so blessed.

Heavenly Father amazes me constantly.

2/8 schools have contacted me and the ones that have are ones that I never thought in a million years would pick me! I am so grateful for this time in my life. It is stressful, not knowing exactly what will happen, but it is so exciting to think of all the possibilities ahead of me! And just think! I am done in 13 weeks!!

2011-01-10T19:15:00.000-08:00

Tonight, I am making the choice to give the benefit of the doubt.

Tonight, I am making the choice to forgive and forget (heavy emphasis on the forgetting).

Tonight, I am choosing to be grateful for friends who would drop everything to come in my moment of need (Thank you Stephy...even though you didn't make it to my house, the fact that you were in your car was enough for me)

Tonight, I am grateful for a Heavenly Father who hears even the simplest of prayers and answers them; especially the prayers for finding lost kittens.

Unveiling of the new theme!!!

2011-01-04T10:25:00.000-08:00

I have spent several weeks now preparing for my theme of the new year. It has taken a lot of introspection, prayer, and thought to narrow down my focus and ideas to something that was feasible and that would inspire growth.

My theme focuses on three talks from conference:

1st: "Of Things that Matter Most"-President Dieter F. Uchtdorf

2nd: "Agency: Essential to the Plan of Life"-Elder Robert D. Hales

3rd: "Faith-the Choice is Yours"-Bishop Richard C. Edgley

First, I loved how President Uchtdorf's talk counseled us to, "slow down a little, steady the course, and focus on the essentials..." With all the changes my life is about to undertake, I really believe that if I choose to focus on the basic things and 'resist the temptation to get caught up in the frantic rush of everyday life', my life will be enriched. "There is a beauty and clarity that comes from simplicity." I think returning to the basics and improving key relationships in my life is essential to my progression over the next year.

Second, I found such beauty in the promise from Elder Hales talk. "Making the same choice to follow the Savior now, while we are here on earth, we will obtain even greater blessing in the eternities...We must continue to choose to follow the Savior. Eternity is at stake, and our wise use of agency and our actions are essential that we might have eternal life." I already chose once, we all did, and while I am on this earth I want to show that I am choosing the Lord's plan in every opportunity. "Agency is the ability and privilege God gives us to choose and to act for ourselves and not be acted upon."

Finally, the choice is mine. "We can still choose how we react to the world. When our sacred doctrine and beliefs are challenged, this is our opportunity to become acquainted with God in a most private and intimate manner. This is our opportunity to choose."

So my theme for the year: The Choices I Make

1. Make the choice to simplify my life

I want to return back to the basics and focus on key relationships in my life. I want to understand the basics of the gospel, to focus on the simplistic things of prayer and scripture reading. I want to de-clutter the stuff in my life (both temporally and worldly). I want to improve my relationship with my Savior and with myself in order to better my relationships with my family and others. This also includes simplifying my budget (and amount of money spent on needless things.)

2. Make the choice to act and not be acted upon

I want to deepen my trust in the Lord. I don't want fear to control my actions and my faith. I want to chose happiness and light in my life instead of stress and sorrow. I want to make substantial choices to do what is right.

3. Make the choice to be healthy

This is always a struggle. But I am slowly getting better, so this year it is my goal to make smaller goals for each month and hopefully by the end of the year accomplish something positive.

4. Make the choice to be productive

I am making the goal to find more productive ways to use my time. Whether writing letters to loved ones, serving others, or taking time to accomplish important goals this year is about choosing to be better. Reading books, learning new things, climbing, whatever it takes to become a more well rounded person!

Elder Richard G. Scott said, "We become what we want to be by consistently being what we want to become each day." This is my ultimate goal with my theme this year, to become what I want to be by making the choice to be what I want to become.

The Last Year in Review

2011-01-01T21:04:00.000-08:00

I have spent a lot of time reflecting and reviewing the past year and the things I have accomplished with my theme of 'Peace Be Still'. I honestly believe that my past themes have really cultivated a change within my heart and have helped me to search for better things in my life. Two years ago I chose the theme 'Come What May'. With that theme I was able to prepare to take out my endowments and deal with multiple changes along the way.

In picking my theme for this last year, I knew that I wanted to find peace in the drama and chaos of my life. I am an emotional person. More often then not I will react with emotions first, then re-evaluate the situation and act more rationally. (Just ask Jesse about my emotional break downs...thank heaven for such a good friend who can handle it when a girl cries). This past year has been topsy turvy and I have really tried to find peace in my response. But what I found was even better. I still struggle with acting emotionally, but in my quest I found that leaning upon my Heavenly Father may not reduce my emotions or the chaos in my life, but it does provide strength and a deep comfort. This past year tested my wits, my faith in myself, and my ability to rise above error and find peace in the Atonement of Christ. I tried and tested myself, let go of unnecessary grief, and I held onto friendships that uplift and strengthen me daily.

Throughout it all, my faith has been reinforced and I am so grateful for a Heavenly Father who knows me individually and provides such personal comfort in times of need. The tender mercies of the Lord reinforce the truth of the gospel to me daily and help me strive to reach deeper into myself to serve others. I am grateful for the gift I was given this year, to learn of my true heart and the things that I am required to give. I know this church is true, know it to the core of my body and my heart swells with the presence of the Spirit. My theme for next year (which will be my next post) will hopefully help me to be better at declaring the gospel and serving others over the next year!

My year in pictures:

Merry Merry Christmas!

2010-12-23T16:30:00.000-08:00

My transcripts finally came, my residency applications are done, and I have put them into the mail!

Now...I wait...

But it's okay, because it is Christmas. And I am excited. Its weird, because I already got all of my presents (money from the Grandpa's and my mom got my hair done), but I almost prefer not to get them because it helps me focus more on the real meaning of Christmas-CHRIST.

I am so blessed to have a testimony of Christ. To understand his atonement and to understand what love and service and sacrifice are all about. I'm loving home and embracing all the challenges. Heavenly Father put me in this family for a reason and although most of the time I feel so very different from them, I love them with all my heart and I am grateful that they are mine.

So for this Christmas, I'll snuggle up close to the ones I love and remember all that CHRISTmas is really about.

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!

Lists of Wins and Fails

2010-12-13T09:11:00.000-08:00

Win: Managed to make it to California without any flight delays

Fail: Not much sleep in California due to the stress of applications

Double or even Triple FAIL: Ordered transcripts, spent $200 dollars cause I ordered them the wrong way

Win: School refunded me $160 even though I made a mistake

Fail (again): Sent transcripts to wrong address, had to reorder transcripts (cost another $40)

Win: Letter of Intent (grandpa says it makes me sound like a winner)

Fail: I don't like it

Win: I have 8 schools to apply to, but I really only want to go to one of three

Double or Triple Win: I've been running for 3 weeks straight now! And I've shaved my mile down to 11:20 (hey, that's good for some people!)

thats all of my random win/fail thoughts today. Keep posted. I promise once applications are done, I will be posting about my new theme for next year! :o)

2010-12-10T20:49:00.001-08:00

I went to the San Diego temple today to find peace and clarity. I wasn't even inside before I began to feel the stress melt away and felt consumed with peace. I love to see the temple; I love going inside even more. I'm very grateful for temples and for the opportunity to be a little closer to heaven and my Heavenly Father.

2010-12-04T17:50:00.000-08:00

Currently posting from Anaheim California, where dreams come true...hopefully.

I start interviews Monday for residency. These are just preliminary, but man I'm stressed and scared.

Thanks to a dear friend, I'm holding on to my 'believe' theme.

Believe, Amber. Just Believe.

2010-11-26T19:47:00.000-08:00

BELIEVE

I was cleaning up stuff from the living room and packing for my trip on Thursday and I found this book that my Grandma bought for me a while ago. Inside the cover she wrote, " To My Beloved Amber, BELIEVE." I found this today at this perfect moment. It was one of those beautiful tender mercies-where you instantly know that Heavenly Father is there, watching out for you, listening to your prayers, and knowing your heart with such perfect exactness.

So my theme, from now to the end of this year, is to just believe. To Believe in the Beauty of Christmas, the love, the miracles, the truth. To Believe in Myself, my capabilities, my joy, my faith, and my talents. To Believe in the future, in its possibilities, in its promise, in the unknown, and in growth. To Believe in blessings, in prayer, in the atonement, in my Savior and my God. To Believe in possibility, that people can change, that people can love, and that when they fall short-I can love them that much more.

In short:

BELIEVE

Gratitude

2010-11-21T18:16:00.000-08:00

Today's lessons were about Gratitude at church and since we are fast approaching Thanksgiving, I wanted to make a small gratitude list for today:

-The Gospel (including the scriptures, living prophets and apostles, etc.)

-Prayer (it is my direct line to my Father in Heaven and often my saving grace)

-My Family (it was said in conference once that families bring our greatest joys and our greatest sorrows-I'm grateful for both.)

-My Friends (the family I created to keep me sane from the one that makes me insane) There are very specific people (you should know who you are) that make me a better person and love me despite the facts they know

-The Willis' (they fit the friend category, but they need their own mention because their Christlike love is unmatched in anyone I have ever known)

-Trials (despite how painful the refiner's fire may be, I know that someday-no matter how far away-I will be a beautiful, finished product)

2010-11-16T18:30:00.000-08:00

So I'm not sure if I mentioned that I am living in a horror movie...No scratch that! I know I've told everyone and anyone who will listen because I'm terrified almost every night to go to sleep. (I wish I were exaggerating)

This weekend was amazing! Not only did I not have to sleep in this scary place for two nights, I also got to see Benjamin get sealed to my Uncle Mike and my Aunt Jeni. It was so beautiful and I am so glad that I got to go. I also got to see so many other family members who I haven't seen forever.

But, sadly, on Sunday I had to come back to the psych ward. That night-not so bad! It was so late by the time I got back that I really just laid down and passed out. But last night and tonight not so much. Last night I was sitting at my computer talking to Jessica and thinking about everything and nothing, when out of the corner of my eye I saw this GINORMOUS bug on my dresser. Right at eye level. Of course my heart was immediately in my throat and had it not been I would have probably screamed. I had mild panic attacks for several minutes and then decided the only way to get rid of it was to capture it in this water bottle I had and throw it in a garbage down the hall. (Which is exactly what I did)

Today it has been raining all day and because the buildings are so old, it has been freezing cold. So in a kind gesture they turned on the heat...This was not a kind gesture for me, however. Why you might ask? Why wouldn't I want to snuggle into my bed when its nice and cozy and fall asleep warm?! Because my bed is by the bathroom door and inside the bathroom is this awful smell radiating from the heater. Seriously, I think that there is some dead animal in there rotting away and now the warm air has heated the animal up and then blown the smell into my bathroom.

I keep telling myself I can do this...but I'm not so sure I want to anymore! Thank heavens that this weekend is the harvest ball and I get to sleep in MY OWN bed for two nights again (who knows, maybe I'll choose to do 3 and drive back ridiculously early Monday morning)!

On a completely different note: I ranked my schools today. Midyear is less then a month away so the ranking may change, but this is how I feel for now!

1st: University of Texas

2nd: University of Southern California

3rd: University of California at Davis

4th: Banner Baywood Hospital in Arizona

5th: VA at San Diego

6th: University of Virginia

7th: University of Washington

2010-11-12T13:43:00.000-08:00

I get to hug this little cutie in less then 12 hours. Its amazing how in a world of chaos, a hug from a child can change your perspective.

you see when you go through a traumatic experience, it kind of alters your perception.

2010-11-08T14:06:00.000-08:00

I'm living in a horror movie set. No seriously. I wish I were kidding. But my current rotation is situated in a VA hospital that is set away from the town. The halls are long and narrow and the lights flicker. Plus, there is this whining noise that continues late into the night.

I wish I had never seen The Frighteners. It's made my overactive imagination run wild.

Integrity

2010-11-02T18:21:00.000-07:00

Through my own actions, my integrity wavered. I will not go into the details, for they are personal. But I found this talk from Elder Russell M. Nelson and I had to share my thoughts/comments.

Russell M. Nelson begins his talk with an analogy of the mitral valve in the human heart (of course I'd find a talk about the heart...I love the heart...) The mitral valve has cords and as one becomes broken or torn, the others slowly weaken. Much like our spirits. We are tethered to the gospel, but as we break principles as we make mistakes we slowly weaken those tethers and slowly start to pull away from our Father in Heaven.

"We cannot commit a little sin without being subject to the consequences. If we tolerate a little sin today, we tolerate a little more tomorrow, and before long, a cord of integrity is broken."

But none of us is immune to temptation, and the adversary knows it. He would deceive, connive, or contrive any means to deprive us of potential joy and exaltation. He knows that if one little cord of control can be snapped, others likely will weaken later under increased strain. The result would be no integrity, no eternal life. Satan’s triumph would be assured. If this domino-like deterioration causes a run in our spiritual stocking, qualities of character are lost and our cherished integrity is gone.

If we are wise, we assess personal cords of integrity on a daily basis. We identify any weakness, and we repair it. Indeed, we have an obligation to do so. The words of Isaiah apply equally to all:

“Strengthen ye the weak hands, and confirm the feeble knees. “Say to them that are of a fearful heart, Be strong”

Sometimes in life, we have to stop and assess right in the moment. Sometimes our actions are too quick for us to assess and then we are left to make the decision to go back and try to repair the cord. If we fail to turn back, we make the choice to weaken ourselves spiritually. I've found in this latest struggle, that prayer is the only place to find the right answer within your heart. For myself, my heart was tortured, I was so disappointed in myself and I knew the only place I had to go for the help I needed to step up was through prayer.

Private personal prayer is a good time for introspection. Morning prayer might include a petition for honesty, chastity, virtue, or for simply being of service to others. In the evening, there may be another quick checkup on all those attributes. We pray for the preservation of our spiritual integrity, then we work for it. Should any flaw be found, we will want to begin the process of prompt repair that will protect further disintegration of a threatened spiritual quality.

This next part of his talk hit home. How often do we ask ourselves these questions? And if we ask the questions, do we like the answers? For myself, although the right thing was hard to do, even though I will suffer the consequences of my mistake, I found solace in reading this talk and seeing my answers to the question.

Self-assessment is done best in many little steps, asking ourselves questions such as:

•
What do we do when we make a mistake? Do we admit our error and apologize, or do we deny it and blame others?
•
What do we do when we are in a group where wrong ideas or activities are promoted? Do we endorse error by our silence, or do we take a stand?
•
Are we totally true to our employers, or are we less than loyal?
•
Do we keep the Sabbath day, obey the Word of Wisdom, honor our father and mother?
•
If we have made sacred covenants in the temple, how do we react when we hear evil-speaking against the Lord’s anointed? Do we honor all covenants made there? Or do we allow exceptions and rationalize our behavior to suit our preconceived preferences?
•
How do we honor our word? Can our promises be trusted?

And of course, with the atonement, there is always hope and comfort. I may not rise above temporally, but in the eternal scheme of things, I made the right choice.

We should not be discouraged or depressed by our shortcomings. No one is without weakness. As part of the divine plan, we are tested to see whether we master weakness or let weakness master us. Proper diagnosis is essential to proper treatment. The Lord gave us this remarkable assurance: “Because thou hast seen thy weakness thou shalt be made strong” (Ether 12:37). But wishing for strength won’t make us strong. It takes faith and work to shore up a weakened cord of integrity.

We know the process of self-repair called repentance. Mercifully, we do not have to begin that process alone. We can receive help through counsel with trusted family members and Church leaders. But their aid is more likely to help if we seek it not merely to satisfy a formality but with real intent to reform and come closer to Christ. He is the ultimate physician.

Real faith in Him will provide real relief—and glorious rewards. He said, “Because thou hast seen thy weakness thou shalt be made strong, even unto the sitting down in the place which I have prepared in the mansions of my Father” (Ether 12:37; see also Ether 12:27, 2 Cor. 12:9).

Mistakes may mar our worthiest intentions, and serious sin can stain with scarlet the slate of pristine white that was once ours. As none of us may escape sin, none of us may escape suffering. Repentance may not be easy, but it is worth it. Repentance not only bleaches, it heals!

2010-10-31T08:19:00.000-07:00

I've slowly been preparing for residency applications, trying to pick a school/program that will best fit me and my goals in my career. At the beginning, I had every intention of heading FAR west-to California or Washington State. But then a professor told me about a program in Texas, an opportunity to study under one of the Nation's top professors. My interest was only slightly peaked, but I was sure that California was where I wanted to go.

But after further research into the program and after many prayers and visits to the temple, I started to feel pulled to Texas. So I emailed the director of the program, just to get a feeling for the school and the people who will become my instructors. Slowly, but surely, Texas became my number one choice.

I can't explain how this happens, but it is similar to how I gained my testimony. These experiences are never earth shattering, there are no voices or visions; instead, it is the quiet calm that occurs within my heart. It is this peace and assurance that this is where I am supposed to go. I followed this prompting when moving to Virginia and I know without a doubt that this was where I was supposed to grow and strengthen my foundation.

If you were to ask, "Are you nervous? Do you have doubts?" I would respond with a resounding 'YES!' I am terrified about packing up and moving to a new state. I am terrified about making all new friends and starting over in a new city. I have doubts that I will get accepted. But I do not have doubts in my Father in Heaven. I do not feel he will lead me astray. I know that I must do all I can do to prepare and then I have to let the pieces fall as they may.

Anyways, the reason I felt inspired to write this post today was because of what my reading found this morning. I was sitting at the kitchen table, reading in the Special Temple Edition of the Ensign, and as I turned the page, the most beautiful picture of a celestial room caught my eye. I stopped and marveled at how stunning the room looked. And then I read the caption. The celestial room pictured was from the temple in San Antonio, Texas.

Tears flooded my eyes and I sat in awe of the beauty of small, subtle promptings in my life. Do I know for sure that I will end up in Texas? No. Of course I don't. Only the Lord can truly know that answer. But I do find greater peace in my decision to apply to this residency. And more importantly, my love for my Father in Heaven was increased-because he knows who I am and everything about me. Its such a wonderful knowledge-to have a testimony of this gospel and to have faith in the Savior.

Epic...

2010-10-29T08:47:00.001-07:00

Most people won't find this epic...but I do....

NEXT FRIDAY I WILL BE 5/9 OF THE WAY DONE WITH PHARMACY SCHOOL ROTATIONS!!!!!!!

That means only 4 more rotations between me and graduation. Pretty Epic if you ask me.

Seems I was walking in the wrong direction I barely recognized my own reflection

2010-10-26T20:27:00.000-07:00

I feel like Me again. I feel comfortable in my skin. And I am proud of who I am and the accomplishments I have.

It may seem like this is coming out of left field, but I assure you it is not. I had an amazing night out with a friend. We literally sat there and just talked for hours. I can't tell you how much I actually needed that. (No offense to my roommate/best friend who listens to me all the time-she is one of the best listeners ever) I just needed to sit down with someone else and just converse like an adult.

I've felt like screaming for quite some time now, because I knew that I just needed to talk-to someone, to anyone. And tonight, FINALLY, I did. We talked about the past year; the steps and the trials, the mistakes and the triumphs, the sadness and the joy. It was therapeutic, it was cleansing, it was exactly what I needed. For almost 4 hours we sat and just talked about nothing, about everything, and all the silly things in between.

A lot has transpired since I took out my endowments. I had some steps backwards, but I really don't think I should call them that-because they sprung me forward and helped me grow. I'm content with myself, I recognize myself, and as far as I can tell I'm walking in the right direction.

2010-10-24T21:23:00.000-07:00

After almost 3 years of pokes and prods from the Spirit, I have finally listened.

Tonight, I printed the necessary paper to take to the temple so I can finally do my Beautiful Grandma's work.

I miss her so much it hurts. I can't explain to anyone the kind of woman she was, because in order to understand her-you just had to know her. There was a light that beamed from her. I swear when the doctors opened her chest, they were blinded by the light that shined from her heart. So sometime next month, I will stand in as proxy to be baptized and confirmed and then to receive her initiatory and endowment. I can't breathe when I think about it, I clam up and am overwhelmed with emotions. But I know this is what she wants and I know she has been patiently waiting for me to do her work.

So tonight is for my beautiful Grandma June-the world lost one of its brightest and heaven gained one of the best when you left this world.

Love me when I least deserve it, because that is when I really need it.

2010-10-14T21:03:00.001-07:00

President Monson spoke of gratitude this past conference. I love listening to a Prophet's voice. So tonight, when I should be sleeping, I have decided to speak of the gratitude I have for my best/closest friends.

For My Grandmother: who is always a shining star in my life, who has taught me the true meaning of unconditional love, who has never failed me and who never will. If I could be more like anyone in this world, I would take all her best qualities, keep my sas, and be a remarkably witty and beautiful woman (inside and out)
“The greatest treasures are those invisible to the eye but found by the heart.”

For my high school best friend (and my soul mate-even though you are now married): who has always had faith in me, who taught me about the Gospel and what it truly means to live it, who's life matches my own-through trials, through joy, and through time. Who was the first person to call me out and stick around, who loves my family like her own (even if they drive her crazy). I know we were hand crafted as friends, because 'I am you, and you are me'
“Friends are God's way of apologizing to us for our families.”

For my adult best friend: Nobody fights better then us, but it works because I am constantly challenged to be a better person, no one has had more of an impact then you on my spiritual growth, no one has pushed me as hard, but helped me up along the way. There is something very special about finding a friend through the spirit-sometimes it seems as though my spirit knows you best. Your strength and testimony are beautiful. And yes, you are amazing. What I love most is that you teach me I'm amazing too.
“Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, 'What! You too? I thought I was the only one”

For my closest friends (and you better know who you are because saturday morning yoga and brunch would never be the same without you): Thank you for love, laughter, and life. I couldn't imagine closer sisters then you.
“I have met a lot of hardboiled eggs in my time, but you're twenty minutes.”

What Can I Say?

2010-10-12T19:21:00.000-07:00

Today was a day. I have lots of thoughts, from Sunday through today, but as I try to convey them out of my brain and into my blog-I have a block. Guess that means it will have to wait.

The truth is I can't put the words down, until I sort it out. And I don't see that happening anytime soon. All I know is that I tried and now I'm stuck. Probably should be better at conquering my pride and just convey thoughts.

In other news: I'm trying to be better about updating, my new goal is to post at least once a week...we will see how long that lasts.

2010-09-17T13:55:00.000-07:00

I went out with the missionaries last night to help them teach a member who has been inactive for 11 years. The lesson they gave was about Prayer. (Not a coincidence if you refer to the previous post in which I posted my favorite quote from Abraham Lincoln) The lesson was about the right way to pray and they compared the prayer of the Zoramites to that of Alma. Of course some of my favorite scriptures are in this section. I love how Alma describes how he is feeling to the lord (See Alma 31:31) and I love how he asks the Lord for comfort, for strength, and for patience. I love how he prays for those around him, specifically by name. I love how he shows sincere gratitude and humility for his Savior and his Father in Heaven.

Prayer for me is something very profound and critical. I have a quote from Brigham Young that states, "Getting down on my knees will one day save my life, whether it be in marriage, in work, or in my spirit." I find this quote to be very profound. And I know for a fact that prayers have saved my life more then once. (and not necessarily my own prayers, but the prayers of others too) I don't mean to sound dramatic and I hope my thoughts are conveyed with the reverence they deserve. I love prayer, almost more then anything else in this gospel. Because prayer is my direct line to my Father in Heaven. In my prayers, I can convey exactly how I feel without worrying how it sounds or how it may be conveyed because when I pray, I pray with my heart. And I know that our Heavenly Father hears our heart very clearly, to me it is the one sound he probably cannot block out, nor would he. But what is even more beautiful to me is the fact that when I pray, my Father in Heaven has promised that he will answer in some way or another. The answers I get may not be ones I want to hear, but I know they are the answers that I need in my life.

I have said a lot more prayers in the past three weeks then I have said over the last year. It amazes me how often I have been 'brought to my knees with the overwhelming conviction that I had no where else to go.' But what amazes me even more is the firm, yet sweet answers I have received from Him, through others. (To those of you who act on promptings or serve without knowing the full reason why, I thank you-because in more ways then one you become someone's answer to a prayer.)

I am far from perfect. FAR from perfect. OH SO VERY FAR. But I am learning each day how to draw closer to my Father in Heaven. And I am learning how to let his will be my will. And though it is a very painful and difficult process at times, I am slowly being healed through the refiner's fire. And to those people who stand in as my relief through the most difficult times, thank you for being an instrument in God's hands. My gratitude could never be shown adequately, nor could my love ever be conveyed properly.

2010-09-15T20:01:00.000-07:00

"Many times in my life, I have been driven to my knees with the overwhelming conviction that I had no where else to turn."

This is how I have felt as of recently. And for the most part its a wonderful feeling, because who better to talk to then your Father in Heaven. However, I think part of it is a way to pull away from all the things that are recently hurting me or that I'm just not sure how to handle.

Heather called tonight. Have to love those tender mercies, even though I told her nothing and just listened to her ramble, it was nice to have the comfort of knowing that she will always be my best friend-marriage didn't change anything, other then less frequent calls (and by less frequent I mean 2-3x a week versus 7 days!)

And yes, I could have told her all the things that are building up inside-but I want to work them out with the Lord. Because in the end, he knows my future destination. And through Him, I will find peace.

2010-06-16T05:06:00.000-07:00

Learn of me, and listen to my words; walk in the meekness of my Spirit, and you shall have peace in me.

What Am I to Change?

2010-06-07T11:25:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, Jessica and I sat in the car having a heart to heart about where we stand right now in our lives. Let me first start by saying that I am so grateful for a friend like her. Jessica is a rare person and an amazing friend. Although she yelled at me a few times yesterday, her frustration was out of a deep love for me. Its a tender mercy from the Lord to have a friend who can see all your faults, see that you are on a path to destruction, and still love you enough to fight for your safety-loves you enough to threaten harm on others, just to keep you safe. I can't begin to tell you how important that type of friend is right now (and always)

I spent the drive back to Harrisonburg in deep contemplation of the things we had discussed in that car. I spoke with my Father in Heaven and asked him to help me to tear down this broken foundation and start fresh. I really admire Jessica (and the strength she had to act upon the promptings she had, despite how hard it was for her). I am drawing complete strength from her actions and the spirit today as I prepare myself to do the same thing tonight.

The spirit has been speaking loudly and very clearly for a while now-and true to the natural man, I have ignored it and acted like I've been left in the dark. But that is anything but true; the truth is, I knew what the right thing was and I openly rebelled against it because I wanted more instantaneous happiness, instead of the appropriate joy that comes from a righteous life. But it is not something I can ignore anymore-because my ultimate happiness is on the line. It may seem dramatic to those of you who read this because I am being very vague; but I can assure you, a life spent searching after the acceptance and approval of man is not a life of happiness. The silken thread that entices us to sin, when given the chance, will become the anchor that drags us down to hell.

I am choosing not to be bound anymore. I am choosing to forsake my current choices and desires, to protect me. In Elder James B. Martino's conference talk, he states "A small amount of pain now will protect them from possible pain and suffering in the future. Our Father in Heaven knows the end from the beginning. We need to follow the example of the Savior and trust in Him." Later in the talk, he gives us advice to get through trials-he asks us to consider "What Am I to Change" when a trial arises.

After hours of heartfelt prayer, after weeks and months of anguish, I now know what I need to change. And although it will be difficult, I know that it is the only way that I will ever truly move forward and progress to a stronger testimony. In a sense, it is the only way that I will ever be able to learn, "Peace Be Still". In a talk by Sister Nelson, she relates a story of how sometimes in life we have to cut away more, even after we have started to piece things back together. So it is with many of us when we look at our current states. Despite that I have made every effort to move forward, I can't move forward without going back and cutting out some very large parts. I don't know much, but I know enough to know that I want peace and joy in my life-and I know where to start to find them.

Like Jessica said, "Life is hard, no matter where you stand. There are going to be the ups and downs, the big disappointments and the little pricks of pain versus the big joys and the tiny happy moments scattered throughout. But I know that everything we experience is ultimately for our good."

Amazing Grace

2010-06-03T05:54:00.000-07:00

I've had this song in my head the last few days, well the first line anyways. And I just keep thinking about the last few months and the personal struggles that I have had in my life. The last few months have been an all out war within myself. I forgot what it felt like to hear the Spirit. I forgot what it felt like to burn with faith. Maybe I didn't forget, but I blocked them out. And for a few moments, I even wondered if I had lost my hope.

But just when I thought the moment had come where I would surrender to it all, I was overwhelmed with the strength of my testimony. And the tender mercies of the Lord overcame my wearied heart and lifted me back on my feet.

I don't pretend to understand how the Spirit talks to others. But I know how the Spirit talks to me. And over the last few days, the messages have been subtle, but so true that I cannot let them escape my brain. My hope is renewed and my faith the same as it always was-I know the truth and that is all I need.

Life is hard for me. I'm sure its hard for all of us. Because it is supposed to be hard. Its about learning, its about growth. And honestly-as hard as it can be-I hope I never stop growing.

**A message for any of my friends or family who might be lost or who may have forgotten: Hold on. Just keep holding on. Because I promise you, whatever the reasons, it will be worth it.

All I Can Do Is Keep Breathing

2010-05-27T15:42:00.000-07:00

Today, my best friend of 4 years died. Its the worst possible feeling ever. The vet says that she had a weak heart and when they gave her the anesthesia she had an idiosyncratic reaction. I spent three hours holding her and saying goodbye. But it wasn't enough. The house is so empty; there's no pitter-pattering across the carpet. I lost my friend. And its awful.

2010-05-26T20:38:00.000-07:00

"Children in pure faith proclaim, “We believe in God, the Eternal Father, and in His Son, Jesus Christ, and in the Holy Ghost.” But sometimes youth and adults do not feel the power of this simple declaration.

Satan is the “enemy to all righteousness”, thus he plants doubts about the nature of the Godhead and our relationship with Them. Jesus Christ prophesied that in the last days even the very elect would be deceived.
Consider three examples of how Lucifer is “laying traps and snares to catch the holy ones of God."

The snare of false inadequacy. A faithful young person feels unable to meet the expectations of others. At home and school, she is rarely praised and often criticized. The popular media tells her she is not beautiful enough or smart enough. Every day this righteous sister questions whether she is an individual worthy of Heavenly Father’s love, the Savior’s atoning sacrifice, or the Spirit’s constant guidance.

The snare of exaggerated imperfection. An outstanding missionary feels incapable of meeting the expectations of God. In his mind, this worthy elder imagines a stern Heavenly Father bound to irrevocable justice, a Savior capable of cleansing others’ transgressions but not this elder’s own, and a Holy Ghost unwilling to accompany an imperfect person.

The snare of needless guilt. A middle-aged woman is a devoted mother, a loving friend, a faithful Church servant, and a frequent temple patron. But in her heart, this sister cannot forgive herself of sins committed years ago that she has repented of and fully resolved with priesthood leaders. She doubts that her life will ever be acceptable to the Lord and has lost hope of eternal life in Heavenly Father’s presence.

If you have any thoughts and feelings similar to these good Saints, I invite you to become as a little child and feel again “the great and wonderful love made manifest by the Father and the Son in the coming of the Redeemer into the world.

First, see yourself as a precious child of a loving Father in Heaven.

Second, place your burdens on Jesus Christ

Third, forgive yourself of sins and imperfections

Fourth, sustain hope of eternal life

Fifth, find joy each day"

-Taken from a talk by Elder Anthony D. Perkins of the Seventy

I just really loved this talk and thought I would share.

2010-05-07T13:02:00.001-07:00

I Am A Fourth Year Pharmacy Student.

That's all.

Just A Small Countdown...Or Up?

2010-04-28T06:10:00.000-07:00

2 more days of classes (a total of 3 classes left in my pharmacy education at MCV)

4 finals remain (with 5 projects left to complete)

6 days until Jessica comes home (Yes..I really am counting these days)

8 days until my 'summer break' starts (yes it's only a week long, but hey that is something)

10 days until my 5k Mud Run (break out the old running shoes)

12 days...(well there isnt really anything significant for days 12 or 14)

16 days until I start my 1st rotation (and the beginning of my final year as a pharmacy student!!!)

CAN you tell I am excited?!

How your Friday might start if you were a pharmacy student....

2010-04-23T08:05:00.000-07:00

Alarm clock blares at 5:45 am and you roll over screaming at yourself internally for not going to bed at an earlier hour. You stumble out of bed and somehow manage to make it to the bathroom. The next thing you know you are wide awake because you are blasted with freezing cold water, you never turned on the hot water. Once dressed (which in itself was an epic battle), you make your way to the kitchen to throw some awful concoction into the blender for breakfast because you would never have time for a real breakfast. With your plastic cup of nastiness, you grab your bags and run out the door so that you can make it to class in time.

The drive to school is a blur, it only took you 15 minutes and you wonder to yourself out loud if you actually ran a few stoplights as you walk to class. In class you make the professional niceties to your Teacher and the TA's, then you sit in your seat trying to make nice with all the other people at your table while also trying to re-cram all the information you studied the night before back into your brain so that you can answer a few questions right.

Your table competes in some loud activity, you aren't quite sure what just happened. Then you and your partner try to finish an exercise that has no bearing on your future. Time stops when the professor announces that it is your turn to practice injecting yourself with insulin (of course the bottle is saline), but you know your irrational fear of needles and the thought of sticking yourself is to much to bear in your sleep deprived state. (What is even more unbearable is the thought of lifting up your shirt for the TA, so that they can watch you) You stumble back to the little room and fumble through the counseling and preparation points for a patient; then you unwrap the needle and take a deep breath as you prepare to stick yourself. "If I just jab it really quick it will be over," you think to yourself and then attempt to accomplish this task.....

Pain surges through you, but the pain is confusing because its not your abdomen that hurts; instead it is your thumb. Your face turns a thousand shades of red and you think to yourself this can't get any worse. And then you stop, because you realize you still have to show that you can stick yourself in the abdomen. You unwrap a new syringe and complete the task with your head hung low. The TA tries to assure you that you did a great job, but you yourself know that you are the retard who stuck their thumb...

***This story may not be interpreted as fact. If any of you readers try to pass it off as facts, I will deny it till the day I die (maybe...)

2010-04-21T18:26:00.000-07:00

In stories, as in life, adversity teaches us things we cannot learn otherwise. Adversity helps to develop a depth of character that comes in no other way. Our loving Heavenly Father has set us in a world filled with challenges and trials so that we, through opposition, can learn wisdom, become stronger, and experience joy.

President Uchtdorf